Pajiba

I actually think it's unhealthy the length to which my friends and I have discussed and planned what to do in the event of a Zombie apocalypse. Yes, we've read the Max Brooks books, but more than that, we've stratigized. I've looked into pricing on demilitarized missile silos converted into living spaces. I could go on, but it'd get scary.

Romero is WAY past his prime. Land of the Dead sucked a basketball through a garden hose.

That being said: Slow zach=terrifying, managable, winnable war. Fast=we are fucked as a species.

Hamlet 2 sounds like a good movie to watch when drunk, though I completely agree about Steve Coogan.
Note to Dustin - Graham Norton is Irish, not English. Still kind of obnoxious, but a different kind... ;-)

Oops! Clarification required due to low blood sugar when posting - I meant Graham is obnoxious, not the Irish in general.
(I'm half-Irish, but I'm only one-eighth obnoxious).

See what I mean about the low blood sugar? I couldn't even type my posting name correctly... *sigh* I need chocolate.

In other news, 'fuck-knuckle' is my favourite insulting term so far today! I think it will be hard to top.

Kevin - it sounds perfectly sensible to me to make plans for the eventuality of a zombie apocalypse. The dead far outnumber the living - we're fucked if we're not ready!

I have been dreading seeing the new 'Dead' movie since I saw the little teaser bit online lately. This saddens me because the first 3 dead movie hold a special place in my heart. I went to college for special effects. In Pittsburgh. Tom Savini (George's main FX man) was one of my teachers. John Russo made frequent visits. Fuck...we even went and took the Zombie tour at the Monroeville mall. But really, George, you haven't done anything good since Bruiser...and even that was OK at best.

Is it time to put George to pasture? Should I take him behind the garage after Timmy goes to sleep and quietly put put one behind the ear? Probably. If not that, he definitely need to move in to a home. I'm pretty sure he just smiles a lot now, most of the time not knowing where he is, festering towards that 'senile old people' smell that so commonly takes them over. That's the smell that takes over right before people die dude. And he still smokes a pack and a half of reds and has at LEAST 1 double scotch every day. I guess I should be ready to chop his head off as soon as he dies.

Hey how about Richard III 1.5: Medieval Bugaloo?

And, any word on Dragons & Douchebags?

Sweet Slim! All of Richards ghosts can come back and they start a carwash because Elizabeth's granmother is about to have her trailer seized by the township because she owes 26 years of back property taxes that her husband never paid. And just as the tax collector is about to have her thrown off the property a union of noble from England and France shows up with a carriage full of gold and jewels. Then the camera pans out as everyone is standing around smiling and laughing as an impromptu picnic has begun at granny's. The...out of nowhere Shabbadoo and Boogaloo Shrimp come out and throw it down on the dance floor while HenryVII and 'Liz (as she'd ben known in the movie) tie their legs together for the 3 legged race. This almost writes itself.

I'm saddened, if not entirely surprised, that Diary Of The Dead fails to live up to its forbears. While I did enjoy Land Of The Dead, even the dedicated Romero fanboy in me would eventually have to shuffle his feet, look shamefacedly at the floor, and grudgingly admit that it was a lesser movie by far than any of the original trilogy (and I love me some Day Of The Dead - such enrelenting bleakness and fatalism paradoxically brightens up my day considerably).

I'm still going to be seeing it, though - at the end of the day, it'll provide more research material for refining my own personal zombie apocalypse survival plan.

Tarn: Thank you for beating me to the punch. I was sitting here wondering if I should bother pointing out that Norton is Irish or just let people believe he's English because you know, we just don't want to claim him. Nothing to do with him being gay, just that he stopped being funny 10 years ago and yes, he's obnoxious, and his appearance is starting to look a little sad.

I'd say we have a couple months until the zombie apocalypse. That military satellite about to fall on our heads is probably loaded with space germs just waiting to re-animate our dead. At least the election season will be cut mercifully short.

You know PissBoy, I would rather see your movies than just about anything that comes out of Hollywood today. Now I'm off to clean up the yogurt I spewed all over my desk.

I respect the hell out of Romero and still love his first three movies. (Well, really just the first two, I am a bit ambivalent when it comes to Day). He will always be respected as being the originator of the whole zombie infestation/apocalypse idea. That said, the zombie genre has definitely passed him by.

I hated Land of The Dead. Hated it.

In fact, I've had too much coffee, the idea of work bores me so here it goes...

My thoughts on John Romero's Land Of The Dead

I didn't really mind the characters that much to be honest. I liked Leguizamo. I thought Dennis Hopper was good (in a ridiculous role). I didn't even mind the bland lead guy. I actually thought he was fine. Boring, but fine in the role. Pilsbury was the bomb, yo.

I liked the action sence for the most part. The zombie feastings were all good.

The opening scene was pretty good. I liked the concept of a team of people who go out to scavange for supplies. That general setup made perfect sense. The humans have moved into well fortified, walled cities that are generally safe from the zombies. They need supplies, so they send out teams of well-armed people to go out and get them. Makes perfect sense. It seemed a logical progression of human society under those conditions.

The actual execution of that society, I thought, was silly and very heavy-handed. Yes. I get it. There is an elite upper class and put upon lower class. The rich and powerful keep the poor and weak happy with the opiate of the masses, zombie games and other shit. I understand the theme/social commentary. It was just so heavy handed in the movie that it fell flat and was punchless.

It starts with Dennis Hopper's character. He was completely over-the-top ridiculous. He didn't seem believable at all. Then there was the whole "rich people" area. Where they just hung out, shopped in the mall, ate lunch, wore business suits and dressed up nice. Again, I get the theme. They are just trying to live their lives the only way they knew how. Through repetition. Why dress in a suit? You aint got no fucking job. Because, it's what we did. Why go shopping in a mini-skirt? Because that's what we did. (Just like those poor zombies! I'll get to that nonsense in a second). That whole setting was over-the-top. ESPECIALLY during the zombie attack. I understand the city was caught unawares by the water-walking zombies, but there was freaking GUN FIRE. EXPLOSIONS. (Though, suprisingly, no alarms or horns or such). So, what happens when the zombies finally get done chowing through the huddled masses? Oh, that's right. It's time to catch the rich unawares. The people were still just mulling around in the mall, shopping, eating dinner, and such when the zombies finally showed up. Riiiiiiight....

Even before the zombies showed up the differences between the two areas was very odd. Also, what's up with all the talk of money? What the fuck will $5 million do for you John Leguizamo that say, "Dead Reckoning" wont? EXACTLY. Currency only has value because we say it does and everybody buys into it. In the midst of a zombie accopalypse? Who cares about money? It's guns, food, water, medicine. That's the real currency. Again, I it's a heavy-handed use of the class theme. Even Hopper was running around with bags full of money there at the end. STUPID.

The zombies. The not so subtle theme of "Oh, we'll be fucked if they even started to barely think" (which was said like 10 times) was lame. Zombies don't think. They are mindless eating machines. That's it. They act on instinct and instinct alone. If instinct or some distant memory brings them to a mall for some reason, fine. I'll buy that. They do NOT figure out how to shoot guns and shit by trying. This is not monkey see/monkey do. THEY ARE ZOMBIES.

The "thinking" thing aside, zombies certainly DO NOT HAVE FUCKING EMOTIONS. Zombies do NOT cry out in anguish when they see their zombie brethren getting hacked to pieces. They do not feel righteous outrage at the rich. They do not feel compassion for burning zombies and shoot them to end their suffering. NO. THEY CERTAINLY DO NOT. That whole sub-plot/theme or whatever was ridiculous and stupid. Each act of sentience and emotion was lamer than the last. No. me. gusta.

The end was equally stupid when Riley, who I am sure has seen plenty of good friends and such, get eaten or ripped apart by zombies or turned into them (INCLUDING HIS OWN FUCKING BROTHER), didn't let that woman take the shot and take them out. "They are just looking for a place to go." FUCK NO. They are looking for some more mother fucking food. And guess what? You're it. So is your half-burned, gun licking idiot firend. And your spunky, whore-with-a-heart-of-gold chick. And let's not forget your Irish rabble-rouser. He's just a piece of Irish beef with legs to those things. Compassion for the zombies. Ridiculous.

In the end, I understand that Romero likes to have social commentary in his zombie movies. I'm all for it. Be it race relations, McCarthyism, consumerism, the class struggle. That's fine. The themes/social commentary, however, need to be handled better than that. It was near perfect in "Night." It was pretty good in "Dawn", though some of the zombies walking around the mall like shoppers with that goofy music playing started to get a little heavy-handed. I'd have to re-watch "Day" to see what goes on there. But "Land" of the dead either had stupid themes (zombie learning/emotions) or the themes were handled so heavy-handed and over-the-top that they became almost a parody of what was trying to be accomplished.

It seems like Romero has lost his touch. I understand and caught the many layers of social commentary. However, if you need a zombie who is constantly bemoaning the death and torture of his zombie brothers and sisters, who kills a flaming zombie out of compassion to end his flaming-zombie suffering, and who (despite all of the evidence to the contrary in the form of hundreds to thousands of half-eaten corpses) is "just looking for a place to go" on the one hand. And a souless, corrupt, vile, evil, back-stabbing, lying, will shoot you in the back of the head in a second, person, on the other hand, to make your point... You've got a problem executing your social commentary. A big one.

I loved the original "Night". I even liked the re-make. I loved the original "Dawn" too, though even that one got a little heavy-handed at times with the zombies wandering around the mall like mindless shoppers to that goofy musc. I also liked "Day", though it's been a while since I've seen it. This one just sucked.

I wouldn't like it, but I could almost, ALMOST buy the zombie evolution thing if it had been happening gradually. I understand the movie takes place years after the initial outbreak, but it was said multiple times "If those zombies ever started thinking..." by people who had relatively frequent contact with the zombies. So, it was pretty clear, that up until that point the zombies were just like they've always been, mindless, horrific, flesh-eating machines. Then, all of a sudden, over the course of what? One? Two days? They go from that to too-wielding, gun firing, under-water walking, compassionate for one another, understanding that gasoline is flammable zombies? No. I don't think so. And even if the zombies could sort of "learn" in a very basic "monkey see"-"monkey do" sort of way, there is still no expalantion for the sudden wave of compassion they (or at least that one zombie) seemed to feel for one another. Zombies don't have emotions. Ever. BAH!

If you have to make your social commentary so heavy-handed and silly that it becomes parody, then I will gladly and happilly take a good, fun, terrifying zombie movie that lacks any real social-commentary, like the "Dawn of the Dead" re-make any day of the week over "commentary" laden crap like "Land".

Further more, the whole concept that money (instead of food, water, ammo, etc.) was still used as currency was utterly stupid. It just didn't make any sense to me. At all. I felt like it was a ham-fisted attempt to bolster his social commentary on the modern class system.

The rich (Hopper) had the money and the poor (Leguizamo) were desparate to get it. It just didn't make any sense that people would buy into that. How could your whole existence continue to revolve around buying things in a post-apocalyptic era where they're not making more of the luxury goods that you buy and the scavenger teams are only supposed to go out for food and necessary supplies? Wouldn't a consumerist existence immediately seem hollow? Wouldn't reminders of your new reality be all around you? How long could it last? I didn't buy it.

OK Leguizamo, say Hopper gives you $1 million. Where exactly are you going to live now and what do you expect to be able to do with that green toilet paper? Hopper what good will your suitcase of green toilet paper do you at the next settlement in what was it Cleveland?

A few more thoughts...

The execution of the zombie attack I also thought was stupid. The zombies push their way into a secure area where they meet the city's
first line of defense, a watchtower and fence. The people in the watchtower are pretty safe up there, no real ladder up and you'd think that they'd have lots of ammo. Really all you'd need would be a trusty axe handle and you'd be fine. So do the guards sound the alarm? No, they don't. You'd think they'd have a radio or at least a flare gun, but whatever they have they don't use it. Instead they all climb down
the tower and make a run for it. And the zombies catch them. OK zombies are slow so how is that even possible? And if the zombies are all over down there why would you go down and commit suicide? That was ridiculous.

When the zombies catch the rich people in their mall that was also ridiculous. Even assuming that the rich keep eating while there's chaos
outside, the zombies show up at the mall doors and spend some time thumping on them until the smart zombie busts the doors with a jackhammer. Any sane person would use all that time to get up to their condos or whatever and call out the guards. Then the zombies bust in, giving you plenty of additional notice to run away. Yet somehow the zombies catch and massacre a whole bunch of people eating lunch! Even though those people try to run away once the zombies actually reach them. OK, again people zombies are slow. If you run away from them they cannot catch up to you. Even a brisk walk should do it. It was so bogus that the zombies caught anyone in that mall. Just unconvincing.

And the zombie with his head on partially-detached spine like a snake, that didn't work for me either. OK your spine didn't just get longer when you became a zombie. Also spines don't have muscles so how is your head whipping around like that? Romero used to do so much better.

That is all.

Not to be "that" girl, but what jokes won't work in Omaha? Being an Omahan, I question this criticism.

p.s. I would totally see PissBoy's movie. Drunk, of course.

You know I always felt Richard III got a bad deal. He always seemed oddly sympathetic to me, as historical figures go. No idea why.

Graham Norton should have stopped his schtick after Father Ted. It works well for a supporting character not so well for an ubiquitous TV presenter (and by "ubiquitous" I of course mean "Oh God he's in everyfucking thing. Why the hell is this man on my TV again? If I hit it hard enough with this bat will the madness finally stop?")

I know the Zombie thing has been discussed ad nauseam but I really don't get the fascination. Or the fear. Possession on the other hand is another matter *shudder* it gives me the heebie jeebies just thinking about it. Weird how everyone has their own particular horror panic buttons...

I don't get the fascination with zombies, either. And I certainly have never sat around the living room with my closest friends discussing what we would do if a band of undead sonsofbitches decided to come a-knockin. Now, giant insects or ghosts? You'll find me hiding in my closet under a pile of shoes.

Here's the zombie scenario we go over when the alchohol has well worked it's way into our bloodstream and it becomes impossible to play any board games due to having to close one eye to read.

Imagine you and five to ten of your friends, (all living in the same city) wake up one morning and ala "I Am Legend" - everything is completely vacant - not destroyed, just vacant. It comes over the radio that in less than three hours, a massive zombie infestation (fast or slow, doesn't matter) will come pouring into the city. Law/Army enforcement doesn't exist, and the clock is ticking... Supposedly, this whole incident can be taken care of in less than two months via vaccination (sp?).

Whaddya do?

Not trying to sway the topic here, but... well, ZOMBIES FER CHRISSAKE! (sob).

but it deserves a screenplay award like I deserve a million bucks for having charming good looks and a winning personality.

Should be worth at least $250,000

the zombie world has, regretfully, passed him by Would that be the fast or slow zombies, beacuse getting passed by the slow ones would be pathetic. Altough Romero has to be getting older

I'm not into zombie movies (I wish I could find out more about Choke somewhere) but the title of this posts reminds me of a conversation I had with my little brother. There's a group who would play a zombie game for hours and hours in one of the dining areas on campus last year so I called my little brother since he's into zombies.

Me: "Robert, how does one kill a zombie?"
Him: "Shoot 'em in the head. Why? Is everything okay?"

Katxyz, sounds to me like your little brother has the entire zombie uprising scenario well-planned out and was hoping your call was a call to action.

Surely, he was a little dissapointed to find out you really didn't need to kill one of the undead.

Did you Sundancers get a chance to see Anywhere, USA? It was written and directed by a guy from my hometown, and shot here too. Just wondering about your feedback. I heard it went over well at the festival.

That is all.

I have to disagree Kevin, the slow-type zombie (read: the only kind of zombie there is. Several years of D&D to back it up) presents a war that seems winnable but is nothing but. We will all die eventually and then rise again. Do you have enough bullets for 6 billion people? And do you honestly think that the government will save you? This country is only 3 missed meals away from food riots and societal breakdown as it is, add a Necropalypse (thanks ZDO) and we are all screwed. Every man and woman for themselves.

Paddydog - you're welcome! I hadn't thought of it like that - sorry to have dumped him on you... ;-)

Alex- there's a whole society of folk who think Richard III had really bad press, and a fair number of facts to back that up. Shakespeare was writing for the royals who originally got the throne by defeating Richard. No wonder his Dick the Shit is a monster.
As for Norton - I completely agree. He must have some serious blackmail material on the producers, to make them keep putting him on our screens. Reminds me of some years ago, when Tony bloody Slattery was everywhere.

Wow... uh, yeah. Well, um thanks ScarletKnight... I'll be going home now to sit in the dark and wait for the end times. I thought I had everything sorta planned out, but then you had to go and drop a goddamed Necropalype on me... I feel so small, so weak.

Pissboy: Dude, I'm totally seeing it, let's attach Shabadoo and the other guy, STAT. Also, I wanna get Olympia Dukakis in on this aaaaand, Vin Diesel I heard he's working on some I-Hop down in Tampa which means he's in, IF, we can track him down.

Katxyz, I have no clear idea why that little story made me laugh out loud, but it did. Now please tell me how I explain it to my curious co-workers.

And Skittimus, the answer to your scenario is simple: You have three hours before the zombie hordes, you say? Git yore asses to the nearest Wal-Mart.

No, I am totally serious. You could barricade the entrances if you wanted, but even doing that wouldn't be strictly necessary; you'd only need to barricade the part of the building that houses the groceries.

Yer basic Super-Wal-Mart contains within its massive walls:

Shotguns and ammo to last you YEARS, never mind two months
Groceries of all descriptions
Appliances with which to preserve, prepare & cook said groceries
More fresh clothes/undies than you can go through in the 2 mos. you will be waiting, even if you re-panty three times a day
Absolute buttloads of DVDs/games/toys with which to occupy yourselves

In the case of Zombocalypse, it will be Wal-Mart which saves the human race. Shit you not.

Jerce - you friggin' nailed it. Although my plan involves snagging a moving van, THEN going to Wal-Mart to load up on everything mentioned. THEN Gander Mountain. THEN the local booze emporium. THEN my ass would hightail it to our lovely Sunstone Hotel where I would hit the top two floors (10 & 11), shut the elevator down and barricade all outside entrances on those two floors. Eleventh floor has it's own kitchen for the rooftop restaurant, plus there's a domed pool with roof access for doing some drunken head-poppin' on the hordes below... Man, I WISH a Zombopacalypse would happen now. Work sucks balls...

Ms. the Odd, if you want to read an enjoyable, fictional although well-researched, defense of Richard III, let me recommend Josephine Tey's _The Daughter of Time_. Besides being a good read -- and the only exciting mystery novel that I can think of in which the detective-protagonist spends the entire action of the novel in one place (he's in a hospital bed), it made me finally understand why I, like you, had always had such a soft spot for the hunchbacked child-murdering Plantagenet.

ScarletKnight:

It depends on the lore you come from. If it's an infection, something that doesn't just automatically happen to the dead, then we can fight with solidarity. If it's not, yes we have enough bullets for 6 billion people. Bullets are very easy to manufacture, but I see what you're getting at.

I still contend that an "every man for himself" against slow zombies has a better survival of the human race ratio than fast zombies.

Thanks BabyTyrone, I'll add it to my reading list! I remember having to do a history project on Richard III and coming to the conclusion that he got a bad rep. I think I was pretty much the only one in the class who did. I think I based my entire opinion of it on the one painting where he's toying with a ring my thirteen year old logic went.

Paintings take a long time. If something in painting then it must be a) important b) characteristic. Hmmm he looks kind of sad and a bit twitchy. Hey, I feel kind of sad and a bit twitchy. Ergo: he's not a bad guy.

I stick by my conclusions.

Obviously some of you are not preparing for the zombie apocalypse. People, you need to get on it.
And it's fast zombies, every time.
BE PREPARED!

I now need to go to Sundance some time soon, I crave indie movies and I hopefully will fit in perfectly.
And I am devoted to Shaun of the Dead. Having only seen the remake of Dawn of the Dead, I can only say Shaun owns it.

"Katxyz, sounds to me like your little brother has the entire zombie uprising scenario well-planned out and was hoping your call was a call to action.

Surely, he was a little dissapointed to find out you really didn't need to kill one of the undead."

I think he was in our parent's van with a home made pipe bomb, 12 guns, and enough food for 6 months before I finished saying "Yeah, I'm just having lunch and wanted to call home."

I would just like to point out that ajax19's comment is as long if not longer than the actual review...well done

Appropo of nothing-
Did anyone see whe Graham Norton was on Kathy Griffin's (I know I know) D-List episode in London? They were walking around London and some crazy, ugly, jaundiced, drunken gays kept approaching Graham.

Kathy was like "My gays are at least hot. Yours look like homeless escaped mental patients." Classic.

Should Graham be Graeme? Which is Irish spelling? Erin go bragh!