Slow Burn / Dustin Rowles
Well, at least one part of the goddamn title is right: It is motherfucking slow, like a Tim Wakefield knuckleball that you wait all day for, only by the time it arrives at home plate, you’ve walked back into the dugout, slapped some asses, made love to your wife, and read the complete works of Dostoyevsky and you still have time to do a few bench presses, cork your bat, take a few practice swings and read this entire sentence before popping out in the infield. If only Slow Burn were as fascinating as a rally-killing, inning-ending bloop to the second baseman. Indeed, the only interesting detail about the goddamn film is that it sat on the shelf for four years (but for a screening at 2005’s Toronto Film Festival), which means, at least, that Slow Burn offers a weirdly jarring glimpse of a still-skinny Ray Liotta and suggests, by drawing a simple comparison, that the man has gobbled down his fair share of cheeseburgers and Botox in the intervening years.
And it takes about ten minutes before you realize why it sat on the shelf for so long: It’s clear that Lionsgate had hoped, by offering an additional few years, that audiences would completely forget about The Usual Suspects and that Wayne Beach (The Art of War, Murder at 1600) might be able to pass this plagiaristic swill off as his own. Though it may say “Wayne Beach” on the credits, it’s abundantly clear that he took nearly every single goddamn plot point from Christopher McQuarrie’s Suspects’ script, though you do have to give the man some credit for: 1) the Anne Coulter-sized testicles it takes to call Slow Burn an original piece of work with something akin to a straight face; and 2) boiling out everything that was great about Bryan Singer’s flick and leaving only the hardened, stultifying remnants of Suspects and then jamming them into your gingivitis-wrecked gums with all the subtlety of Tanz-Metall.
Ford Cole (Liotta) is a district attorney with a shitty name running for mayor. He is in a tight race that necessitates he hunt down and imprison the film’s Keyser Soze, the unidentified drug-dealing, gang-leading cartel-running gazillionaire Danny Luden. Cole says smart things like, “The first rule of the courtroom is never to ask a question you don’t know the answer to,” nevermind that Beach doesn’t know the first goddamn rule of scriptwriting: Don’t steal courtroom cliches from old episodes of Matlock, you dumb shit. At any rate, Cole is tasked with identifying which of the series of suspects is Luden (though for the spoilerphobes playing at home, let’s not rule him out all together, either) and he has until 5 a.m. to do so before something really bad happens. And by “really bad,” I mean insanely predictable. And the only decent clue he has to go on is the fact that he knows Luder is a fan of “Friends.” (That’s not a joke — initially, that is his only clue.)
And here are your suspects:
Suspect #1: Nora Timmer (Jolene Blalock) is an assistant D.A. working under Cole, in both the professional and biblical sense. She’s been picked up and brought in for suspicion of murder. She killed Isaac Duperde (Mekhi Phifer), though she’s claiming that he raped her and she shot him in self defense. (“His blood. It was on my face. I tasted it.”) Timmer’s ambiguous skin-color (“she’s a shadow”) also plays central to the plotline (the old biracial herring); she claims to be black, but others insist that “nobody in her family looks darker than Celine Dion after a bad day at the beach,” and that “the closest she’s been to Africa is Whitney Houston’s greatest hits.” Ha!
Suspect #2: We also have Luther Pinks (James Todd Smith, who most of you know as LL Cool J). Pinks is a friend/co-worker of Isaac and claims that Nora Timmer actually seduced Isaac with the intention of using him to ID Danny Luder and later killed him when she got what she needed. Fun Fact: Pinks has a short in his brain, so that everything smells like food to him. So, for instance, at one point Timmer “smelled like a tangerine. Ripe and ready to be peeled,” while at another, “She smelled like mashed potatoes, and everyone wanted to be the gravy.” Culinary imagery. It’s hard to beat that. Did Pinks do it? Well, I think if you look at the production photo (above) that the studio offered, you might be able to guess that he’s not who he says he is.
Suspect #3: Fisher Steven is also in Slow Burn. He looked like complete shit four years ago, so I’d almost hate to see what he looks like now. “Number Five is Alive!” It’s hard to say the same for Stevens.
Suspect #4: There is also Jeffrey Sykes (Taye Diggs), who Timmer sprung from prison earlier in the day for reasons that aren’t entirely clear, though it is apparent that Sykes can finger Luder and is willing to do so in an effort not to go to prison. Or maybe he is Luder and he is only claiming to be able to identify him. Or maybe he’s going to identify himself and put a bullet in his own brain. Or maybe, just maybe I’d like a donut right now. One of those new Berry Berry donuts I’ve heard about at Dunkin. 330 deliciously empty calories. Hmmmm. If I left right now, I could probably get back in time for … oh shit, sorry. Where was I?
Suspect #5 Oh yeah, the other suspect. It’s just some reporter (Chiwetel Ejiofor) sitting around the police station and listening in on all the other stories, asking the occasional question, and keeping out of the way. He’s barely even there. Hardly worth mentioning.
So, who do you think did it? Guess again. Nope. You got it right the first time.
Dustin “The Barracuda” Rowles is the publisher of Pajiba. He lives with his wife in Ithaca, New York. You may email him, or leave a comment below.
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Comments
Wow, this sounds so bad I think I just had an aneurysm. Thanks Dustin. I don't know how you can withstand these bombs. You must have the intestinal fortitude of something with a lot of intestinal fortitude.
Posted by: Manny at April 13, 2007 11:46 AM
Hmmmm, Manny, I think you have something there. I submit we dub these reviewers each with a bestial name that reflects said intestinal fortitude: Dustin "The Boar" Rowles, Daniel "The Shark" Carlson, Phillip "The Goat" Stephens, etc.
("Why does he get to be The Shark?")
Posted by: Ranylt at April 13, 2007 11:53 AM
"Don't steal courtroom cliches from old episodes of Matlock, you dumb shit."
Fabulous. Nobody but nobody is cooler than Matlock.
Posted by: Rachael at April 13, 2007 11:54 AM
Ken Burns, is that you?
Posted by: anikitty at April 13, 2007 11:59 AM
Brilliant Ranylt! But may I make a few recommendations:
Dustin "The Barracuda" Rowles
Daniel "The Marmot" Carlson
Phillip "The Goat" Stephens - just perfect as is.
Seth "The Orangutan" Frielich
Posted by: Manny at April 13, 2007 12:18 PM
Nothing says you've made it in the world like a quotation mark surrounded middle name. I'm jealous.
Seth "The Oranguatan" Freilich is simply superb.
Taye Diggs keeps on upsetting me, for some reason I feel the need to like him but damn it - the man just won't let me. Ray Liotta and I are no longer on speaking terms.
This is one of those films that I'm glad exists for the simple reason that if any man ever suggests watching it I will know instantly to run a mile (actually my list of films that fall into that category probably runs into triple figures but any new addition is perfectly welcome).
Posted by: Alex the Odd at April 13, 2007 12:32 PM
Chiwetel Ejiofor is SO FRUSTRATING. He was beautiful in Kinky Boots, arguably the best part of Serenity ("this is a good death - there's no shame in this"), and despite some of it's inherent weaknesses, he broke my heart in that Tsunami movie on HBO. But... now this? It's brutal. What's the man have to do to get a REAL part in a REAL movie? He's an amazing actor. Argh!
On the other side of the coin, we need to issue a permanent ban on LL Cool J in movies - nay, from society in general. He's never been even remotely close to mediocre in anything.
Posted by: TK at April 13, 2007 1:04 PM
I officially cannot read Pajiba while eating. "Anne Coulter sized testicles" almost made Diet Coke come out of my nose...
Posted by: Lanky at April 13, 2007 1:14 PM
If I saw this movie, I believe I may have the same reaction to it that I do to 'Lost'. I would roll my eyes, exhale breath very rapidly, and shout "What the fuck!?" repeatedly at the screen. And then proceed to give everyone in the cast scathing nicknames and wish for the death of their characters.
Posted by: stardust savant at April 13, 2007 1:31 PM
Manny, don't forget John "The Bush-Baby" Williams and Agent "The Polecat" Bedhead.
Wait--can bush-babies and marmots et al digest license plates?
(Forgive me. Everything is funnier when you're trying to avoid grading papers...)
Posted by: Ranylt at April 13, 2007 1:35 PM
Also feelin' the love for Chiwetel Ejiofor. He's awesome. But hey, a guy's gotta pay the bills, and this was 4 years ago. He's been in better stuff since then. Hell, it sounds like everyone in this flick has been in better stuff since then.
Posted by: LL at April 13, 2007 1:38 PM
TK,
If this movie did sit on a shelf for years, it's older than everything else you just mentioned, and "Children of Men," which he was great in for having like, five lines and ten minutes of screen time.
Chiwetel Ejiofor needs to be a leading man right now, but I can't think of a movie that deserves him.
Posted by: twig at April 13, 2007 1:39 PM
what about Dirty Pretty Things... C.E. was great in that...
Posted by: Stella at April 13, 2007 2:01 PM
@Stardust:
Funnily enough, your description of how you watch "LOST" is exactly how I enjoy "American Idol." The sheer joy of picturing the slow, painful demise of such gems as "Horseface Mc Can't-Sing" (Antonella Barba) or "Nosferatu" (Phil Stacey) as they writhe in pain is enough to keep me tuned in.
Posted by: Tammy at April 13, 2007 2:04 PM
Give Chiwetel a minute to catch on. I liked him in "Inside Man" even though his part was small. He is in "Toussaint" coming up later this year. I have high hopes for him. His is also kinda fine.
I will catch this particular flick on cable so I can marvel at skinny Liotta (!!!)
Posted by: greer at April 13, 2007 2:15 PM
Daniel's a marmot? Really?
http://www.photographyblog.com/images/photo_of_the_week/16220505/Marmot.jpg
Posted by: Sarah at April 13, 2007 2:41 PM
I'll wait for video on this one. I couldn't believe how cheaply-made the trailer looks, reducing dark-skinned people to eye-whites and teeth. I was planning on skipping it, but this review makes it seem so horrendously tacky that I may just have to Netflix it. While I appreciate that the producers et al are trying to step out of the inch-wide box most movies starring black folks must fit in, they clearly need to try harder. I'm thinking....a fat suit. Big Mama's Slow Burn, anyone?
And Tammy--Phil "Nosferatu" Stacey--fucking classic! I, too, watch Idol just to scream at the screen. My friend and I were talking about how funny looking Phil is, but we couldn't find an apt comparison. You have warmed my cold, cold heart.
Posted by: MaiGirl at April 13, 2007 3:26 PM
How weird is this. I was checking another website (sorry, Pajiba. I love you best though) and found this tidbit:
The actor - Chiwetel Ejiofor! AWESOME!
The writer/director - David Mamet! AWESOMER!
The story - underground cage fighting! WHAT THE FUCK?
No, I am not making that up. Seriously.
Posted by: TK at April 13, 2007 4:05 PM
Phil "Nosferatu" Stacey
I had never seen this guy until last week when Conan O'Brien likened him the World Weekly News' Bat Boy. It was uncanny. They also put up a picture of Ruben Studdard alongside a Cadbury Creme Egg and I nearly fell out of my bed.
Posted by: M at April 13, 2007 4:23 PM
I had no idea who this Stacey fella was, but out of curiosity (Nosferatu???) I GIS'd his ass...
...check out the third image and caption!
http://images.google.ca/images?hl=en&q=Phil+Stacey&btnG=Search+Images&gbv=2
Posted by: Ranylt at April 13, 2007 4:27 PM
I officially cannot read Pajiba while eating. "Anne Coulter sized testicles" almost made Diet Coke come out of my nose...
I didn't even snicker at this (I barely noticed it, in fact), so natural is the metaphor. I read it kind of like, "GW-level stupidity".
Posted by: juliathemeerkatgulia at April 13, 2007 4:56 PM
Chiwetel Ejiofor needs to be a leading man right now, but I can't think of a movie that deserves him.
So true. I have got to rent DPT. Can I say I prefer him to Denzel? Blasphemy, in many circles, I'm sure.
Posted by: Daphne at April 13, 2007 10:06 PM
@Lanky: you are hereby found guilty of committing the worst commenting crime imaginable. Making an Ann Coulter reference can't save you or the unfunny premise. Turn in your index fingers immediately, you are officially lame.
Posted by: Lemmiwinks at April 14, 2007 6:45 AM
"Nobody in her family looks darker than Celine Dion after a bad day at the beach"?
"The closest she's been to Africa is Whitney Houston's greatest hits"?!
Somebody should get executed for this. Seriously, for crimes against Humanity. Or against my intelligence.
Posted by: MJ at April 14, 2007 6:47 AM
Cole says smart things like, "The first rule of the courtroom is never to ask a question you don't know the answer to," nevermind that Beach doesn't know the first goddamn rule of scriptwriting: Don't steal courtroom cliches from old episodes of Matlock, you dumb shit.
That was brilliant, Dustin. You are an inspiration.
The movie, on the other hand, has looked like a waste of time since the first trailer.
Posted by: Camille at April 14, 2007 12:49 PM
Excellent review 'Cuda. As for the movie, is this going straight to DVD?
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at April 14, 2007 1:51 PM
I echo the praise for Dirty Pretty Things. That was in my top three whichever year that was released (2003, I think). Check it out if you haven't seen it. Chiwetel is unquestionably the featured star, and Audrey is great too.
Posted by: Rob at April 15, 2007 2:34 AM
@Lemmiwinks: You are hereby found guilty of being a fucking idiot. The Ann Coulter joke is in the review, dipshit. Lanky was referencing the reference.
Posted by: Jen at April 15, 2007 6:40 AM
"I officially cannot read Pajiba while eating. "Anne Coulter sized testicles" almost made Diet Coke come out of my nose...".
Wow, did I EVER misread that comment!
I read it as:
"I officially cannot read Pajiba
while eating Anne Coulter sized testicles".
My poor brain!
Posted by: HairlessMonkeyDK at April 15, 2007 7:42 AM
I saw the trailer for this at Apple's site about a month ago. I then went to IMDB to see what other people had to say about it. Since IMDB said it was supposed to be released in 2005, and there had been others on IMDB who had seen it already, I thought I would take a chance to see if it was available via BitTorrent. It was, so I downloaded it, watched it all (which surprised the hell out of me), and then was taken aback that I actually kind of liked it.
Posted by: AntBee at April 15, 2007 7:36 PM
reeeeally, BitTorrent you say?
Uh, I've gotta go, do some non-torrent related stuff, yeah. I'll see you guys later.
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at April 15, 2007 9:51 PM
Cole says smart things like, "The first rule of the courtroom is never to ask a question you don't know the answer to," nevermind that Beach doesn't know the first goddamn rule of scriptwriting: Don't steal courtroom cliches from old episodes of Matlock, you dumb shit.
Actually, I think he might have stolen this from "To Kill a Mockingbird". Something Atticus told the kids, if my high school reading memory serves me correctly. So Beach ripped off both The Usual Suspects and Harper Lee in one movie. Almost impressive.
Almost.
Posted by: BiblioGeek at April 17, 2007 12:35 AM
You left out the bit about Commander T'Pol getting her tatties out!
That was worth the 5 minutes it to to download.
Posted by: klaatu at April 22, 2007 9:38 AM
I've never willingly walked out of a movie. I'm of the "I bought the damn ticket, I'm staying" mindset. Also, since moving back to my hometown, I have to drive over an hour to get to a decent movie theater. I'm very, very picky about what I go to see. No more movies on a whim since I'm spending $8 bucks on a ticket AND God knows how much on a tank of gas.
I was forced to leave a theater once, though, and not by management. When the first Blair Witch came out, I was in college. The local theater did a midnight showing the night before it opened. People were foaming at the mouth to get the tickets. My boyfriend and I had two. A guy in the parking lot offered us 25 for each. We should have accepted.
So we're in the theater and it is packed and HOT AS BALLS. The movie starts. I'm not terribly impressed, but I'm being patient. Then they get to the freaking woods. About five minutes into their hike, I start feeling weird. I've broken out in a cold sweat and am totally clammy. Five minutes later, I heart starts pounding and I feel nauseated. Thirty more seconds and my boyfriend is practically carrying me out of the theater. I get to the parking lot and puke everywhere.
We can't figure out what happened. My friends ask if I got scared, but nothing scary had happened (then again, did it ever???). They were just walking.
The next day, the newspaper has done a little write up. Turns out several of us had to leave the theater sick.
Turns out it was some weird, bad motion sickness. The bouncing of the camera messed with my brain which messed with my stomach. I have the same problem with the Bourne Supremacy. Too much bouncing. LOTR on IMAX almost killed me.
It's weird. Roller coasters, boats, riding backwards in a train... nothing bothers me. But bouncy camera work send me one way to Puke City.
Posted by: superedna@hotmail.com at July 23, 2007 6:22 PM
How the hell did my previous comment end up on here instead of the "Afternoon Comment Diversion"?
Weird.
Posted by: superEdna at July 23, 2007 6:24 PM
