'Guns Don't Kill People. But They Sure Help.'
Shoot 'Em Up / Dustin Rowles
Here is the best analogy I can offer up for Michael Davis’ action-porn flick, Shoot ‘Em Up: It’s like having amazing, blistering skint-knee intercourse, only to discover after the fact that you were fucking an inflatable doll (mind you, a gorgeous lifelike inflatable doll that looks like Monica Bellucci or Clive Owen — take your pick); it may be completely empty inside, but it’s the goddamn ride of your life. Seriously, I feel like my liberal ass just returned from an NRA convention and inexplicably gushed walking from the gat to the glock table with a steel erection, only to leave with the dirty memory of Charlton Heston’s hot old-man breath tickling the back of my neck as he whispered into my ear, “Come to the dark side, you pinko hippy cocksucker.”
And if all vacuous, meaningless action flicks were as tit-ripping glorious as Shoot ‘Em Up, I might be inclined — cinematically speaking — to switch teams, turn off my brain, and throw away the remote, forever locking myself onto the Drool Network. Hell, to call Shoot ‘Em Up mindless is to do an extreme disservice to cerebral function, but god. damn it will feather-tickle your id until you’re surfing the white waves and then it will throw you to the side of the road like the bitch you are.
And if you’re like me, you’ll have your pants around your ankles begging to get back on.
I mean, really, I could sum up the entire movie-going experience this way: Clive Owen. Paul Giamatti. Monica Bellucci. Guns. Ammo. Buckets of blood. A few carrots. And your ass: Kicked. But, they pay me the tiny tiny bucks to fill the Internet void, so some details are necessary, though to outline the plot would suggest that Shoot ‘Em Up has one. The notion is laughable. It’s about as thin as tissue paper but, thankfully, absorbent enough to soak up a Danny Torrance wet dream at the Overlook Hotel. Besides, the nonsensical storyline distracts from the body count, which is about as high as a stack of Monty Python wheelbarrows.
The film opens with a long shot of a loner, Smith (Owen), sitting in a park bench, minding his own business, chomping on a taproot when a pregnant lady stumbles by fleeing from a gunman. Misanthropic drifter though he is, Smith takes the bait and follows them into a warehouse, where unholy numbers of bullets are fired, the dead fall in waves, and before the all is said and done, Smith has jammed a carrot through the back of man’s head, delivered a baby, severed the umbilical cord with firepower, and escaped with the newborn, leaving behind a dead mom. He then tracks down a lactating hooker (Bellucci), who tags along on the journey, as the rest of the film is spent mostly running and gunning, including one of the most preposterously breathtaking scenes in the history of film, in which Owen and Bellucci fornicate while simultaneously blowing a number of stormtrooping hitmen away. The main follower is Hertz (Giamatti), who is after the baby for political reasons that don’t make a lot of sense and that don’t really matter that much in the end — token motive and narrative only existing to get you from dazzling gunfight to gunfight, anyway.
Of course, if you want to criticize a movie for its amorality and excessive violence, Shoot ‘Em Up offers an easy target, though I’d ask that you take the gorgeous, prize-winning corn cob out of your ass first. It’s cheap, gleeful carnage. There’s nothing painful, grim, or uncomfortably intimate about the mayhem; the good guys win, the bad guys die. It’s just plain old Itchy-and-Scratchy cartoon violence at its most delightful, basically Home Alone with lots (and lots) of bullets and the sort of visceral face-break punishment that will leave you pleading for more, you naughty bastard.
But then, again, I am by no means suggesting that Shoot ‘Em Up is actually good: It’s dumb as kidney stones, repetitive as hell, and so over the top that Lincoln Hawk should be asking for royalties and the soundtrack should feature Kenny Loggins’ “Meet Me Halfway.” But, for action junkies who’ve been walking around with a soft-on since Bourne Ultimatum left theaters, Davis’ violent blood-and-guts ballet will make you squee like an Irish banshee waking up in a Baltimore funeral parlor. And while some might argue that Shoot ‘Em Up is way too pleased with itself, I think that gives entirely too much credit to Davis, who’s not exactly Edgar Wright here, unless we just missed the brilliance of burp tennis in Davis’ 2002 cable movie, Girl Fever.
If this same movie featured Paul Walker and Vin Diesel, I’d probably hate it — but by bringing in Oscar-worthy actors, Owen and Giamatti have dual-handedly pulled the wool over the smart kids’ eyes and I, for one, was all too willing to walk willfully blind into the firing squad. I don’t know what the hell they were doing in this film, except that perhaps Tarantino, et al. were too busy fellating Frank Miller to work with them and the two actors really wanted to make a stylistically violent film; as luck would have it, Michael Davis was their only option. It doesn’t make a lot of sense, but they do freakin’ miracles here. Of course, they don’t give out acting awards for films like this, which is a shame, because both Giamatti and Owen deserve something for not only enlivening this preposterousness, but for refusing to commit the cardinal sin of dramatic actors: taking themselves too goddamn seriously.
Likewise, there’s no point in taking the movie too seriously, either. It’s precisely what the title suggests: a shoot ‘em up, maybe the greatest video game movie ever made that’s not actually based on a video game. And besides, when the hell else are you going to see a movie with a soundtrack that features AC/DC, Motorhead, and Motley Crue? In fact, it’s befitting that “Kickstart My Heart” is used so liberally in the marketing of Shoot ‘Em Up because, like the Crue, the movie is completely moronic, painfully loud, and unbelievably awesome.
Dustin Rowles is the publisher of Pajiba. He lives with his wife and son in Ithaca, New York. You may email him, or leave a comment below.
Is That a Pajiba in Your Pants? | | 3:10 to Yuma
Comments
I had never heard of this movie, but for the love of so many phrases in this review, I think I will have to see it. I can't think that Netflix will do it justice. I fully want to be this movie's beyotch. Maybe I just want to be a little more like Dustin.
Posted by: staramour at September 7, 2007 3:51 PM
ive been wanting to see this since i saw the trailer, so yay!
and hats off for the eddie izzard reference.
Posted by: yumes at September 7, 2007 4:01 PM
Looks like this xkcd was a few days too early.
Posted by: Kevin Longrie at September 7, 2007 4:03 PM
You had me at the Over The Top reference.
Posted by: Darth Corleone at September 7, 2007 4:07 PM
SQUEE!!!!! I can't freakin' wait to have my ass kicked by this movie! This is a great movie weekend. with SeU and 3:10, but I am ready to go, Mr. Owen. Thank you, sir, may I have another?
Posted by: dammitjanet at September 7, 2007 4:13 PM
Yes, yes I think I will. Thank you Pajiba.
Posted by: yazikus at September 7, 2007 4:15 PM
That first paragraph was the best analogy I have read on this site. Good Lord, I think your wife may need to check your collar for powder burns. You even revealed the deep, dark secret of us pinko hippie left-leaners: even our peacenik, intellectual, smug asses can get bent over by massive amounts of gunfire.
I seriously believe that someone was watching Children of Men and thought "This is good, but you know what would make it better? If this guy picked up a goddamn gun and shot most of these people." If you really think about it, you can see what I mean.
There's nothing painful, grim, or uncomfortably intimate about the mayhem; the good guys win, the bad guys die.
Pay close attention to this line, folks; because dollars to doughnuts somebody is going to bitch about it and the general treatment of certain movies some have found irredeemable around here.
Posted by: Vermillion at September 7, 2007 4:33 PM
Goddam it. Now I've got 'Meet Me Halfway' in my head! It has replaced 'New York Groove' which is popping up everywhere this week, including the US Open and Entourage.
Alas, I'd watch Clive Owen in anything- except I'll Sleep when I'm dead. I fell asleep during that film. True story.
Posted by: Amanda47 at September 7, 2007 4:34 PM
"He then tracks down a lactating hooker..." could be the greatest segue line in movie reviewing history!
Posted by: OldSchool at September 7, 2007 4:37 PM
Vermillion- my money is on that chick who wouldn't go see Superbad b/c it's sexist or misogynist or something (whatch your -isms and -ists!)
Sometimes sex is dirty and violence is fun. So there. It's escapism if you do it once in a while not all the time.
Posted by: Amanda47 at September 7, 2007 4:39 PM
Unapologetic action-porn oooooh yeaaah
fapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfa....
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at September 7, 2007 4:42 PM
I think you may have exceeded your allotment of metaphors, which is to say, I think you used them all.
Mindless, stylish ultraviolence is what Americans do best, apparently (although Luc Besson is a close second). Any excuse to see Clive, Monica and yeah, Giamatti too, is good enough for me.
Posted by: LL at September 7, 2007 4:43 PM
Oh, and from now on, "tracked down a lactating hooker" should be added to EVERY review.
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at September 7, 2007 4:46 PM
"....Pay close attention to this line, folks; because dollars to doughnuts somebody is going to bitch about it and the general treatment of certain movies some have found irredeemable around here...."
**************************************************
This sounds like a dare to me....
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at September 7, 2007 4:49 PM
"He then tracks down a lactating hooker..."
HAHAHAHA! They sell formula. It has to be cheaper than tracking down a lactating hooker, or though perhaps not as much fun.
" . . . in which Owen and Bellucci fornicate while simultaneously blowing a number of stormtrooping hitmen away. "
Do I want to know what he blows them away with?
Posted by: BWeaves at September 7, 2007 5:03 PM
"...make you squee like an Irish banshee waking up in a Baltimore funeral parlor."
I'm so there, if only to figure out exactly what this sound is. Good times, good times!
Posted by: Ryan at September 7, 2007 5:17 PM
So it's everything "Smokin' Aces" promised but failed to deliver? I'm there. After "3:10 to Yuma" of course.
Posted by: Rob at September 7, 2007 5:29 PM
I was dreading seeing this movie -- I was going to see it anyway, because I will see anything with Clive Owen in it, but I was definitely prepared to cringe the whole time. Good to know that if I go in with the right attitude, it'll be hard not to enjoy.
I do have to point out however, that despite Pajiba Love linking to a blog (Dan's, I think) a few weeks ago bemoaning this very mistake, y'all have reproduced it a good half-dozen times in this review. You have the wrong symbol in the title of the movie. It shouldn't be an 'open single quote' mark, but an apostrophe.
Sorry to get all copyeditor on your ass, but it was linked to in this space....
Posted by: BabyTyrone at September 7, 2007 5:41 PM
I was dreading seeing this movie -- I was going to see it anyway, because I will see anything with Clive Owen in it, but I was definitely prepared to cringe the whole time. Good to know that if I go in with the right attitude, it'll be hard not to enjoy.
I do have to point out however, that despite Pajiba Love linking to a blog (Dan's, I think) a few weeks ago bemoaning this very mistake, y'all have reproduced it a good half-dozen times in this review. You have the wrong symbol in the title of the movie. It shouldn't be an 'open single quote' mark, but an apostrophe.
Sorry to get all copyeditor on your ass, but it was linked to in this space....
Um, so, yeah. Guns. Lactating hookers. As you were.
Posted by: BabyTyrone at September 7, 2007 5:42 PM
Nice to see truth in titiling. Imaginary conversation: "So what kind of movie is it?" "Ummm....see the title"
Posted by: megaera at September 7, 2007 5:49 PM
I'd see this if nothing else than to watch Giamatti play something other than a sad sack. I like that guy, but damn. Loosen up, Paul.
Posted by: Rebecca at September 7, 2007 5:57 PM
We might have to make this our Sunday Afternoon Date movie. But I am afraid of what might happen in the parking lot afterward. mr.wsapnin loves actionporn.
When the minivan's a rockin....
Posted by: wsapnin at September 7, 2007 6:01 PM
This review had some of your best turns of phrase, and the movie sounds exactly like what I wanted it to be: Clive Owen capping motherfuckers.
Yay!
Posted by: Mimi at September 7, 2007 6:12 PM
I'm in. I love me some Clive Owen. And the chance to see him fornicating (even if it is with Monica Bellucci instead of me) whilst simultaneously maiming and killing the bad guys is too much for this simple country girl to resist.
Posted by: Elizabeth at September 7, 2007 6:14 PM
"both Giamatti and Owen deserve something for not only enlivening this preposterousness, but for refusing to commit the cardinal sin of dramatic actors: taking themselves too goddamn seriously."
Amen to that!
Clive Owen is reason enough to see this, I would watch the man floss his goddamn teeth.
Posted by: Finn at September 7, 2007 6:47 PM
"Smith has jammed a carrot through the back of man's head..." -- I forsee a waive of death by vegetable. But remember, carrots don't kill people, watching movies where carrots are used as weapons kill people. Or something like that.
"one of the most preposterously breathtaking scenes in the history of film, in which Owen and Bellucci fornicate while simultaneously blowing a number of stormtrooping hitmen ..." That reminds me of a porno I rented the other day. Accept the girl's name was Moanica Felucci.
Posted by: JP at September 7, 2007 7:10 PM
I'm definitely in for this one. And may I just say that the segue from The Shining to a stack of Monty Python wheelbarrows was almost as cool as casually dropping a lactating hooker into the middle of the next paragraph.
Posted by: Mr. Atoz at September 7, 2007 7:15 PM
I knew this would be awesome when I saw the trailer. Thank God your review confirmed it.
Posted by: Justin at September 7, 2007 7:17 PM
I just came back from this and 3:10. I agree mostly and so amazingly with this review Dustin. But I have to say, it did at least attempt to make a plot...political and pointless as it was, at least it tried. And I agree, without this exact cast, it would have failed completely...
And you forgot to mention that most of this gun play takes place one handed while he's holding a 1 day old baby in his NRA arm...
Posted by: Luke at September 7, 2007 8:14 PM
This may quite possibly be one of the best reviews I've ever read on Pajiba. This is why you're my favorite Dustin. Cheers!
Posted by: Shaun at September 7, 2007 8:38 PM
Um. Eh. I'm still not sure about this one. Every trailer or clip I've seen gives the impression that the movie is trying way too hard.
But I am with Finn; Clive Owen in anything is worth watching(Exhibit A: that piece of drek, "Closer").
Posted by: Alabamapink at September 7, 2007 9:21 PM
I just got back from the theatre. This movie kicked an unbelievable amount of ass.
Posted by: Kim at September 7, 2007 9:57 PM
Damn - this movie has me jonesing for some ball tightening violence. I will definitely be wearing the rubber underpants when I catch this one !
Posted by: Dr Nick at September 7, 2007 10:26 PM
Damn - this movie has me jonesing for some ball tightening violence. I will definitely be wearing the rubber underpants when I catch this one !
Posted by: Dr Nick at September 7, 2007 10:28 PM
Pay close attention to this line, folks; because dollars to doughnuts somebody is going to bitch about it
Normally, I'd bite....but hell, I'd do Monica Bellucci, even if she can't act worth a damn. I can't get up in arms about movies like these. I mean, the title really says it all, and I've got much respect for those who just don't give a fuck and forego the metaphorical life lesson.
Vermillion, you're quite right in your comparison to Children of Men.
Anyhoo, I saw this tonight. I'm kind of speechless. Actionporn is totally the right phrase. Clive Owen and Paul Giamatii (who is gleefully over the top in his villainy and kind of pervy) were totally bad ass. They may be just collecting paychecks, but damn if they didn't earn them. Still, there were some scenes hard for me to watch, and I must temper the trauma to my brain by watching The Princess Bride or something. Except Clive Owen replaces Cary Elwes and I replace Robin Wright Penn's character. "As you wish...."
Random, nobody cares but Daphne, note: There were like 100 stuntmen credited for this movie. Maybe not that many, but the longest list I've ever seen for a movie. It's no wonder, given most of the shots. How many stuntmen were required for the sex scene?
Posted by: Daphne at September 7, 2007 11:32 PM
I just came home from this flick and it's everything you say it is. Evil, irredeemable, loud, mindless entertainment. An 82-minute clinic called "How To Stage A Gunfight." Just a fucking good time. Leave your brain at the door and marvel at the way someone can kill many, many men with a gun. You will never look at a carrot the same way again. The fuck 'n' gunfight scene alone is worth the price of admission.
The best way to describe what it was like watching this? A row of high school-aged girls snuck into the movie and were sitting behind me. When the credits started rolling the girls stood up to leave and one of them said, "I feel like such a guy now. I feel like a man." Perfect.
Posted by: David at September 7, 2007 11:41 PM
monica bellucci is damn near PERFECT , and lactating holy shit batman!! gotit SLIM?
Posted by: pasadenamike at September 8, 2007 12:26 AM
monica bellucci is damn near PERFECT , and lactating holy shit batman!! gotit SLIM?
Posted by: pasadenamike at September 8, 2007 12:31 AM
in which Owen and Bellucci fornicate while simultaneously blowing a number of stormtrooping hitmen away.
Now see, I can't believe nobody made the obvious Futurama joke:
Could this be considered "death by snoo-snoo"?
Posted by: Vermillion at September 8, 2007 1:55 AM
in which Owen and Bellucci fornicate while simultaneously blowing a number of stormtrooping hitmen away.
...
What?! How? The concept of it is so fantastically mind-boggling I just might have to see it.
Posted by: MJ at September 8, 2007 7:13 AM
Saw it, loved it, mindless action that charmignly does'nt take itself too seriously ( wich most big Hollywood flicks are too often guilty of ). I had a feeling i was watching merry melodies, with Clive Owen as Bugs Bunny, Giamatti as Daffy Duck, Stephen McHattie as Elmer Fudd. Upon closer inspection you can actually see the same manerism and speech patterns as the cartoon charaters and let's not forget the generic acme (Hammerson or whatever) gun company. Maybe it's just in my mind, but the little kid in me really enjoyed the mindless violence and idiotic dialogue.
Posted by: stephae at September 8, 2007 1:47 PM
The clip is on youtube, MJ, look it up. I've been dying to see this movie since I learned of its existence, mainly because I would do both Owen and Bellucci at the drop of a hat...preferably the same hat.
At the moment, I'm sort of raging against the cinematic powers in Norway because IT'S NOT HERE YET! Useless fuckers.
As for the mindlessness of it all, that's how I like my action flicks. Who cares about plots when you have Clive Owen...and Monica Bellucci...and incredible amounts of violence and sex? All at once! *glee*
Posted by: joker at September 8, 2007 1:52 PM
Daphne - freakishly enough, I got hypnotized by the stuntman list at the end of the credits. There were 78 that I counted.
Also, we determined after this film that I (normally HATING splattery action movies) would never see this movie if it had been made with anyone other than Owen and Giamatti. Can anyone convince me otherwise? Who else could you ever cast and pull this off?
Posted by: Anne (in Reno) at September 8, 2007 10:31 PM
How about Christian Bale and Phillip Seymour Hoffman or Jason Statham and Bill Murray.
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at September 8, 2007 11:31 PM
Funny, Dustin, I never had an orgasm while shooting my guns. Maybe I'm not doing it right...
Oh, wait: my shooting partner isn't Monica Bellucci, either. Never mind...
Seriously, I may just have to go see this one. It's been a while since I last saw a good action flick chock full of gratituitous sex and mindless violence - well, Live Free or Die Hard delivered on the second half of that combo, even bowdlerized to get a PG-13 rating - and just from the previews Shoot 'Em Up looked so bad it had to be good.
Seventy-eight plus stuntmen alone. I am so there...
Posted by: Wes S. at September 9, 2007 1:09 AM
All I kept thinking is "That's one deaf baby . . ."
Totally mindless, total fun, and to echo another poster, I'd watch Clive floss his teeth.
Worth the 5.25 matinee price for sure.
Posted by: savoyeve at September 9, 2007 12:00 PM
I figured this would be good when I heard House of Wolves from My Chemical Romance on the trailer. It seems like the song and movie are similar, in that it is over the top campy fun.
Posted by: Daisy at September 9, 2007 2:20 PM
i just got back from seeing this movie and wow it was way good.sometimes a mindless,fun etc movie like that it exacly what one needs to see.sure makes up for having to watch balls of fury last weekend. i so agree with whoever said they would watch clive floss his teeth lol
Posted by: ann at September 10, 2007 12:19 AM
And with that - here's said fornication/stormtrooper scene...
://www.iesbvideo.net/videofiles/shoot.flv&infotext=Shoot%20Em%20Up%20Sex%20and%20Guns%20Clip&stretch=0&automode=1&thumbsbg=0x7C7C7C&movieID=http://www.iesb.net&texton=1&scalefull=yes
Posted by: WS at September 10, 2007 8:13 AM
And with that - here's said fornication/stormtrooper scene...
w.iesbvideo.net/videofiles/shoot.flv&infotext=Shoot%20Em%20Up%20Sex%20and%20Guns%20Clip&stretch=0&automode=1&thumbsbg=0x7C7C7C&movieID=http://www.iesb.net&texton=1&scalefull=yes
just add a couple of ww's at the start
Posted by: WS at September 10, 2007 8:14 AM
Slim I'd agree with you about Jason Statham and Bill Murray, but I can't imagine Christian Bale ever tossing off the cheeseball oneliners ("Eat your vegetables" before jamming a carrot through the back of someone's head). Bale does sardonic well, but I just take him too seriously.
By the way, best movie I've ever seen.
Posted by: MG at September 10, 2007 9:31 AM
So much yumminess in one movie! I am an absolute sucker for mindless action movies and Clive Owen makes me feel all funny so this was always going to be a golden combination for me. Although thanks to this review I am now quite pathetically excited about going to see it.
Hurrah!
Posted by: Alex the Odd at September 10, 2007 10:21 AM
Dear Dustin,
Got extended mixed metaphor?
Love,
Miss Bees.
P.S. I love it when cool dumb movies market themselves as cool dumb movies, because then you aren't disappointed. Rock!
P.P.S. I'd buy the book-on-tape just to hear Clive recite bad bad puns in that sex voice of his. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...
Posted by: that bees chick at September 10, 2007 3:36 PM
Clive Owen and outrageous, comic violence?
I am SO there.
Posted by: Maryscott O'Connor at September 11, 2007 3:24 AM
This movie fucking kicked ass!!!!!!!!
Posted by: Gilp at September 11, 2007 3:58 AM
Only Clive can make carrots sexy. ;)
Posted by: Fab at September 15, 2007 11:55 AM
Dustin;
1st time, long time, etc.
Your review was so great my wife insisted we see this - best actioner in ages, and you didn't even mention the skydiving gun battle...
Posted by: amobogio at September 17, 2007 7:31 PM
Shoot 'Em Up is so ridiculously silly, irredeemable in content, and utterly devoid of anything meaningful. And it was fucking fantastic.
Posted by: chenry at September 18, 2007 1:32 PM
I can't imagine liking this movie. I thought it was the worst creation to come out of Hollywood since... well, hell, Pink Panther, Running Scared, and Harsh Times all used to be in the running for Worst Movie Ever, but this game along and blew them away. It was so unredeemably stupid that I found even the (numerous) gunfight sequences loathsome and pitiable.
I'm a person who loves guns, and so-called "gunporn", but this was a movie that apparently didn't understand the former and tried so hard to be the latter that it skidded right past into gun snuff porn. This movie actually killed, for a few days, my desire to watch further action movies against even the possibility that the resemblance would drive me to suicide.
As an intellectual, and a gun-user, and someone with a strong grasp on the fundamental functions of reality, I heartily recommend that you not only skip this film, but if some acquaintance of yours should try to inflict it upon you that you immediately- and mercilessly, and justifiably- kill them.
Posted by: Derek Katz at September 25, 2007 4:47 PM
Seven of us had to walk out. The movie made me embarrassed to be human.
Posted by: arnna at October 20, 2007 11:00 PM
Pants around your ankles indeed!
I love Giamatti. He is an amazingly diverse actor. CLive owens is raw and sexy and Ive enjoyed everything I've seen him in with the exception of that pathetic rag he mistakenly made with Jennifer Anniston.(blagghh!!!)
Your right on the money about the plot and yes, it was onion paper thin, but it was fun, fast, and the bad guys were blasted into oblivion, and the cute little baby was safe, and the wounded by the world woman was loved. What more can you want in a movie about violence and oh-my-gosh, carrot killing!
Posted by: mermaid at January 20, 2008 10:01 PM