You Will See Light in the Darkness: The Top Five Reasons Why You Weren't Raptured
By Cindy Davis | Posted Under Seriously Random Lists | Comments (26)
So…from what I can tell over on the Facebooks, a lot of Pajibans are still around—congrats on that! I know some of you may be disappointed; all that hype, and now you’re still stuck on this dying planet with the rest of us losers people. But, you know, buck up, chin up, make the best of what’s still around and all that. Of course, it’s possible you’ll go to work on Monday and notice a few people missing and then it’s only paranoia natural that you might feel a little resentful or wonder “Why not me?” Instead of spending your day going over millions of possibilities and driving yourself into an anxiety coma, you can refer to this handy list I’ve assembled. Chances are random minimal that you have been left behind for any other reason. Now though this list is entirely made up not official or based on anything sensible endorsed by anyone in any official capacity, you can feel foolish a sense of relief in knowing you have millions of fellow assholes people to make the rest of your life miserable share your planet until such time the world is blown to smithereens cradles you in its loving arms and your lights are snuffed out you fall into a deep, endless slumber and die awake in hell a darkened movie theater where you’ll be treated to a showing of “This Is Your Life.”
5. You are too important. You have more work to do on Earth, more love to shower upon your fellow man and your influence upon Pajiba comments the world is still needed. It is not your time. You should spend the rest of your days following that unspoken feeling inside you; you are fulfilling your destiny.
4. You are too bad. I have it in my mind on good authority that the gates of hell are bursting; there’s just no more damned room. Unfortunately, that means some of us have to hang around this planet with our fellow misbehaving brethren and sistren; on the plus (?) side, we can still drink, get into trouble and catch the 2011 fall television schedule.
3. You are too good. Yeah, that’s probably not it.
2. They got the date wrong! According to the Wiki, the wrong Rapture date has been posited many times over already, in the years 1844, 1914, 1918, 1925, 1942, 1981, 1988, 1989, 1992, 1993 and 1994. So, just add 2011 to the list and march on. There’s also some rumbling about officials people using the wrong calendar (Gregorian vs. Julian) or biblical text instead of a calendar, to find the Rapture date and honestly, if they can’t even find a proper reference they ought to stop declaring all these holidays End Times.
1. It’s a hoax/You don’t believe. Nothing more to say here. I know this is a controversial statement, but not everything in religious text is meant to be taken literally. And before I get myself into any more trouble maybe we should just be living our lives and not worrying about Raptures and End Times and Doomsday scenarios. Maybe we should all just come out from under our beds go hug a bunny and get back to life.
Good day to you all!
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Comments
Posted by: The Wanderer at May 22, 2011 3:12 PM
One of my favorite writers penned a series of stories where he described not a Rapture but a 'Rupture' where the two contending deities (you know who, of course) descended to call people home. Only it was a setup, as the two gods weren't looking for adherents - they were looking for lunch.
Sentient sashimi, anyone?
Fortunately for the rest of humanity the toll was stopped short of a billion as the other and much older gods woke up, stretched, yawned, scratched themselves and loudly demanded to know what these two young upstarts were doing.
The two gods were packed off and told to Mind Their Own Business as the Elder Gods, now awake and working on their first coffee of the eon, settled back to running the universe again.