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January 28, 2009 |

By Dustin Rowles | Lists | January 28, 2009 |

I’ve never used a pick-up line, except perhaps in jest, with someone I already knew for a lengthy period of time. In fact, I don’t know anyone who has ever actually used a pick-up line, much less one that worked. I suspect, in fact, that pick-up lines were created for the sole purpose of exchanging them among friends for a few shits and giggles and, occasionally, delivering one drunk after last call because you got nothing else to lose except your right eye, after she yanks it from its socket.

Still, as a dude playing a dude pretending to be a woman for the sake of this exercise, here’s five pick-up lines that are so bad they go full-circle and actually might work. If I were drunk and desperate enough.

5. “Is your daddy a pirate?” “No? You could have fooled me with booty like that.” Crass, yes. But flattering. I do take pride in my ass, and I appreciate the compliment. I also appreciate the way you said, “Pa POW!” after delivering the line. I’m not going to sleep with you, but I’ll let you buy me the drink I eventually throw back in your face.

4. “Do you clean your clothes with Windex? Because I see myself in your pants. Really? Dude, that’s so lame. And it doesn’t really make sense. In fact, it’s pretty goddamn pathetic, but since you’re kind of cute, and I’m kind of horny, I’ve been evicted from my home, and I have no place else to sleep tonight, I’ll grant you a pity fuck. But you have to sleep on the couch afterwards. And I want a scone for breakfast, with coffee. And please don’t talk. Ever again.

3. Hey baby, let’s play house, you can be the door and I’ll slam you! Awesome! Thanks very much — I’d been sitting on this barstool all night sipping Appletinis hoping someone would offer to slam me. Where would you like to slam me? How about over there near the restroom? Because I was thinking, before we fucked, that I could slam your dick in that door. Cause that’s how I play house, bitch.

2. You’re ugly, but you intrigue me. Well, now you’ve hurt my feelings. And that intrigues me. I have fairly low self esteem. You think you could fuck me from behind, because I don’t want to see your face any more than you want to see mine. Oh, and have you ever experienced the reverse donkey punch? It’s great — after you unzip your pants, I pin you against a wall, curl your body in half, and beat you in the back of the neck with your own erect penis until you experience temporary to permanent paralysis. TONY DANZA!

1. Great legs, what time do they open? Good one! Why don’t you open your legs, motherfucker. Cause I’m about to fuck you with my foot. You’re in for quite a night. I can kick the chrome off a trailer hitch.

(Note to self: Just because an idea sounds good in your head doesn’t mean it’s actually going to work in print).

A Seriously Random List XLX / Dustin Rowles

Lists | January 28, 2009 |

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.

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