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Why Would You Mess With Olivia Wilde's Cleavage?! The Five Things Vanity Fair's Hollywood Issue Got Terribly Wrong and One It Got Impressively Right

By Joanna Robinson | Posted Under Seriously Random Lists | Comments (31)

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I love the Hollywood Issue of “Vanity Fair.” I love “Vanity Fair” in general, it’s true, but the Hollywood Issue with its featured portfolio of Hollywood notables (oftentimes that year’s Academy Award nominees) has always been a favorite. In fact, as I’ve mentioned before, I used to rip out those photographs and tape them up in my room. I was a special child. When I was flipping through this year’s issue, however, I had a few “WHAT IN ZE HAIL?!” moments. For your reference, here’s the cover:

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Wrong: Burying Rashida Jones and This Lion Cub On The Third Fold. Much has been made of the inclusions of Robert Duvall on this year’s cover. Listen, Duvall is a Hollywood legend and if he wants to be the meat in a Mila Kunis Joseph Gordon-Levitt sammich, I don’t think any of us in Pajiba nation will blame him. Weirder than Duvall, in my opinion, is the decision to have actress Rashida Jones bottle-feed a baby lion. None of the other actors have baby animals! What does this have to do with the swanky night club theme? If you’re going to have something that jarring on your cover, Vanity Fair, don’t bury it on the third fold, that makes it seem as if you know it was an odd choice.

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Wrong: Trying To Legitimize Halle Berry’s Inclusion. Two things, first of all Halle Berry is a smoking hot lady who is also quite talented. Second of all, there are no actors or actresses of color nominated for an Academy Award this year. Unless we count Javier Bardem. Which we don’t. So I understand “Vanity Fair” not wanting to have an entirely white portfolio, and I understand picking Halle Berry who is, as I’ve mentioned, a smoking hot lady who is also quite talented. But to try to say in their blurb that “the Academy is now grappling with another Berry star turn” is to seriously overstate the viability of Frankie & Alice. Hey, “Vanity Fair” why not just say: “Here’s Halle Berry, a smoking hot lady who is also quite talented.”

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Wrong: Messing with Olivia Wilde’s Chest. Okay, I’ll grant you that Olivia Wilde does not have a LOT going on in the rack department. She’s not Halle Berry, fine. But not everyone has to be. The cover already has the boobtacular Anne Hathaway and Jennifer Lawrence. No need to get all handsy, Mr. Photoshopper. Oh, now look what you’ve done, Olivia Wilde’s right breast has entirely melted into her torso. I hope you’re happy now.

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Wrong: Calling Danny Boyle one of “The New Breed.” Didn’t Trainspotting come out over a decade ago? Wasn’t the hugely popular 28 Days Later… a film from 2002? DIDN’T HE WIN AN ACADEMY AWARD TWO YEARS AGO?!

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Wrong: Letting Helena Bonham Carter Do Anne Hathaway’s Hair. It takes a certian je ne sais crazy to pull off the signature Bonham Carter “I Brush My Hair With A Badger” coiffure and I’m sorry but dear Ms. Hathaway ain’t got it.

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So Right It Hurts: Letting Helena Bonham Carter Do Her Own Hair. Let the queen show you how it’s done. So right. So right.

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Joanna Robinson apologizes for the quality of some of these photos. They are the Vanity Fair “Behind the Scenes” snaps and, as such, have an intentionally “I just took this with my Instamatic, on the fly! Look how candid!” blurriness to them.









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Comments

I really can't stand Olivia Wilde. WTF is she wearing?

Posted by: Mel C. at February 21, 2011 4:12 PM

yeah, danny boyle has been directing since '87 and first got darling notice 16 years ago.

HBC looks like she's in an ad for 'this is your brain on coke'

Posted by: idleprimate at February 21, 2011 4:19 PM

I'm confused. They did WHAT to Olivia Wilde?

Posted by: Todd at February 21, 2011 4:21 PM

I really do have to admire Helena Bonham Carter for letting her freak flag fly pretty much at ALL TIMES.

Posted by: MM at February 21, 2011 4:25 PM

1) With the exception of Olivia Wilde and that Hedlund guy (whose films I haven't seen), I love everyone else on the cover.
2) Mila Kunis and Joseph-Gordon-Levitt!
3) That picture of Jake Gyllenhaal and Anne Hathaway is pretty adorable.
4) HBC is eternally awesome.

Posted by: KP at February 21, 2011 4:25 PM

I assumed it was a Bring Up Baby nod since she also has Katharine Hepburn's hairstyle from the movie.

Posted by: shawnp at February 21, 2011 4:25 PM

Why Would You Mess With Olivia Wilde's Cleavage?!

Because it's there. Duh.

Posted by: BierceAmbrose at February 21, 2011 4:28 PM

A normal human being can swim through the veins of a blue whale.

Olivia Wilde can swim through the veins of a normal human being.

A blue whale can swim through the veins in Natalie Portman's forehead.

Posted by: superasente at February 21, 2011 4:33 PM

I really do have to admire Helena Bonham Carter for letting her freak flag fly pretty much at ALL TIMES.

What I really love is that she's been flying her freak flag for a long time now, long before she recently started talking about it, so it doesn't stink of an act. It's jeen-yoo-wine crazy.

Posted by: sars at February 21, 2011 4:35 PM

re: rashida jones
it's the illuminati thing, they dress her as kitten feeding a kitten to show that she's their kitten. madonna, britney, aguilera, rihanna, gaga, angelina, halle, portman, scarlett, you name it, they all did that at some point.

::just because i'm paranoid doesn't mean there's no-one following me::

Posted by: schmerpes at February 21, 2011 4:35 PM

For Baphomet's sake, schmerpes, what part of "secret knowledge" didn't you understand?

Posted by: BierceAmbrose at February 21, 2011 4:47 PM

I don't understand the love for Olivia Wilde. I mean, ok, she's hot. But I can't get past her eyebrows! She had this phase earlier in her career where her eyebrows were super thin and pointy and porn-starish looking. She was still hot, but in a scary, "I'm going to eat your face kind of way." Also? She played Alex on The O.C., aka the girl Marissa Cooper went gay for in the show's second season, which was one of the least believable pairings on a show that thrived on dumb and contrived pairings! This might be more of a reflection on how much I hated Marissa - girl should've been killed off way sooner - but STILL. I was not charmed by your alternative taste in dress and music then, as a fictional character on a TV show, Ms. Wilde, and I certainly won't be charmed by your OMNIPRESENCE on this site today. Your overwaxed brows and crappy acting on a teenage soap opera 7 years ago have left me STONE COLD to your sideboob and penchant for pantslessness.

...It feels really good to get that off my chest. I think I'm going to go paint a picture of a dolphin jumping over a rainbow encircling a sunset over the ocean, I feel so unencumbered and free!

Posted by: nosio at February 21, 2011 5:42 PM

shh, bierce, it's not like i suggested they should count the bottles on the picture or look for vesica piscis or something... oh... shit.

Posted by: schmerpes at February 21, 2011 5:55 PM

Dear nosio, I am catching what you are pitching, dear-heart. This is me tapping my nose and then pointing at you. Thank you. God I don't get the Olivia Wilde thing either. Just because her last name is Wilde and she plays gay or bi sometimes doesn't mean she's actually wild or even very interesting. BORING.

Posted by: pickled tink at February 21, 2011 6:43 PM

Not sure we can blame the photoshopper for OW's sunken-chestiness. That's just the way God made 'er.

BTW, I'm sure i'm not alone when I say that I laughed out loud when I read the words "Olivia Wilde's Cleavage".

Posted by: Martin at February 21, 2011 8:45 PM

It takes a certian je ne sais crazy to pull off the signature Bonham Carter “I Brush My Hair With A Badger” coiffure and I’m sorry but dear Ms. Hathaway ain’t got it.

I nearly choked on my graham cracker reading that.

No, that's not a euphemism for anything, but it can be, if you want it to be.

Posted by: Sara H at February 21, 2011 8:48 PM

nosio, you seem a little overinvolved in a teen soap opera to me.

Posted by: YourLordandMaster at February 21, 2011 9:05 PM

Joanna, I am with you...buuuuut the Olivia Wilde thing I have to pass on. However, Rashida Jones can have my babies in my illicit lesbian love affair I have crafted in my mind.

Posted by: BalladofMaxwellDemon at February 22, 2011 12:07 AM

I was also really confused by the styling (or rather, the lack of styling) that went into the "new breed of directors" portrait. It looks like they all showed up and were shuffled into a cramped little room and told to sit somewhere. That horrible, awkward posing could not possibly have been on purpose.

Posted by: Crankle at February 22, 2011 4:17 AM

I'm not an expert photographer, but what are the odds, with all of that white powder in her hair, that she's drinking a Diet Coke...on purpose.

70%?

Note: I'm not saying she's into coke, nor am I saying that she isn't. It's just that it seems to line up a little too well.

Posted by: L4NkYb at February 22, 2011 9:41 AM

I, too, hate Olivia Wilde. I think she's pretty enough. But (and my reason for disliking her may not be that valid) is that in interviews she portrays herself as this supersmart, cultured, intellectual person (to separate herself from most other actresses), yet a bulk of her work outside of House is getting naked for magazine spreads. Every. Week. So, brag about your intellect all you want, but give it some meat and truly separate yourself from other B-listers like Jessica Biel.

Posted by: sars at February 22, 2011 9:46 AM

...but give it some meat...

From the way you describe her, this sounds like it's the problem.

Posted by: L4NkYb at February 22, 2011 10:11 AM

That third sentence makes no sense. I should have had Olivia Wilde proofread it first.

Posted by: sars at February 22, 2011 10:26 AM

I'm pretty sure she'll only do it (proofreading) while posing in lingerie for Maxim.

Posted by: L4NkYb at February 22, 2011 10:32 AM

Olivia, honey, I've said this before but you apparently weren't paying attention, so let me try again:

You have amazing eyes. That's your selling point. Not your little boobies.

Eyes > boobies.

You may be the only woman on the planet for whom this formula applies.

Posted by: , at February 22, 2011 11:15 AM

Nosio, Marissa Cooper really, REALLY should have died sooner. She's a horrible actress.

Also, WORST. DEATH. SCENE. EVER.

Posted by: Melody at February 22, 2011 12:03 PM

What's with all the Olivia Wilde hate? You people fucking baffle me.

Posted by: DeistBrawler at February 22, 2011 12:13 PM

I disagree with the comment regarding Anne Hathaway's styling. It's the first time I've ever -- EVER -- thought she looked hot, and I'm pretty sure it's because the enormous hair offsets her ENORMOUS facial features. Let's face it, there's a reason Bozo the Clown had big hair. It's called symmetry.

Posted by: jimbob at February 22, 2011 1:25 PM

More accurate to say Berry is "considered talented because she is so smoking hot."

Posted by: SeriouslyFolks at February 22, 2011 2:17 PM

I thought the inclusion of Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher in a layout of legendary Hollywood couples was many shades of wrong.

Posted by: samantha t at February 22, 2011 3:11 PM

Just an fyi: Hallie Steinfield is part Filipino and African American. Small parts but they are there.

Posted by: sosgemini at February 23, 2011 10:24 PM