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Which Of the Movies Coming Out In September Are Least Likely to Suck?

By Rebecca Pahle | Seriously Random Lists | August 28, 2014 | Comments ()


the disappearance of eleanor rigby.jpg

September is rough. After the summer movie season’s ended but before the awards contenders start to come out, it’s one of the months where studios tend to dump movies they don’t know what to do with like so many steaming piles of cinematic shit. (Also: January. GTFO, January.) The bounty is over, and now you’re stuck with Dolphin Tale 2.

Because I’m a generous nature pixie who lives to help her fellow man (when I’m not daydreaming about stabbing people who annoy me with pickaxes—I mean what?), I’ve gone through the September’s stellar offerings and ranked them, from least to most likely to suck all the balls. You’re welcome. And good luck getting through this month, you crazy diamond. Good luck to all of us. We’ll need it.

The Disappearance of Eleanor Rigby (9/12)

I happen to know for a fact that this movie doesn’t suck all the balls, since I had a chance to see it. Ah, the magic of press screenings. Jessica Chastain. James McAvoy. ACTING. On the second weekend of September, you will have the opportunity to go to a theater and see something good. Unless you’re in the land of the multiplexes. Then I guess you can pray that Guardians of the Galaxy is still hanging around.

God Help the Girl (9/5)

Another movie that I can personally assure you is worth your time! Directed by Stuart Murdoch, one of the founders of Belle and Sebastian, God Help the Girl is essentially British Indie Pop: The Musical. If British indie pop isn’t your thing, know that it isn’t my thing either, but I still found God Help the Girl a refreshing, authentic little coming of age film. Don’t let the (fabulous) outfits in the trailer fool you-this movie avoids choking on its own twee, thank God.

The Boxtrolls (9/26)

The Boxtrolls is ranked third on this list and not first because, as I have not yet seen it, I cannot empirically state that it is a good movie. But it’s Laika. They made Coraline and ParaNorman. It totally is. September 26th. Be there or be square.

The Two Faces of January (9/26)

I’m sorry, was I supposed to write something here? I got distracted by Oscar Isaac’s everything.

The Skeleton Twins (9/19)

I’ve heard good things and bad things about this one—and also that it’s far darker than the trailer makes it look—so I’m trying to stay optimistic. Don’t disappoint me, Wiig and Hader. You wouldn’t like me when I’m disappointed. I say critical things on the Internet that you will never read or be aware of. So there.

This Is Where I Leave You (9/19)

This looks like such a middling, quasi-Oscar-bait-y drama. But Corey Stoll. But schmaltz. But Rose Byrne. But “very special lessons “about love and life and what it means to be family (blech). But Adam Driver, Jason Bateman, Tina Fey, Jane Fonda, and Jane Fonda’s bionic breasts. I’m conflicted.

Tracks (9/19)

Tracks’ trailer doesn’t look good to me (“I’m so alone.” “We all are.” Oh, shut up), but the reviews since its Venice Film Festival debut last year have been mostly positive, so I’ll remain on the fence with this one for now. Just keep the wannabe deep pretension to a minimum, yeah?

Laggies (9/26)

I was going to put this higher up, but then the words “Stop lagging. Start living” flashed across the screen and my vision was obscured by blinding red rage. Something tells me this will be another movie that doesn’t deserve Sam Rockwell. (Though aren’t most movies?)

Frontera (9/5)

This looks like the sort of thing I might catch on HBO one lazy weekday afternoon a few years from now. I’ll spend a few hours being pleasantly bored but then forget about it completely.

A Walk Among the Tombstones (9/19)

Matthew Crawley, this is what you left Downton Abbey for? Granted, Downton is a glorified soap opera that doesn’t come close to deserving all its award season praise (fight me), but still. What would the Dowager Countess say?

The Drop (9/12)

I am 98% sure that Tom Hardy just accepts movies these days based on whether they will allow him to do some sort of weird accent. I am only 70% sure that Tom Hardy is actually Gary Oldman disguising himself as some sort of elaborate prank. I love THard, don’t get me wrong. THard cuddling a puppy (yes, this is that movie): Even better. But this does not look good.

The Equalizer (9/26)

Can Denzel Washington and Chloë Grace Moretz start being in good things again?

Kelly & Cal (9/5)

I look at those critical plaudits in your trailer, Kelly & Cal, and I don’t believe you. Am I too cynical for a Juliette-Lewis-being-cynical-I-guess-and-finding-love movie? Do I need to self-examine?

Hector and the Search for Happiness (9/19)

Didn’t The Secret Life of Walter Mitty come out last year? This trailer has some funny moments, so I hope and pray that there’s a good movie buried in here, but I’m not getting my hopes up for anything better than “treacly bullshit.” What can I say? I like to be surprised.

The Maze Runner (9/19)

YA dystopia. Grubby teens running around. Yaaaaaaay.

No Good Deed (9/12)

Is Idris Elba pranking us? Because he’s great in TV, and he’s great in supporting roles, but every time he takes the lead in a film it’s for shit like this. There’s five years of career between now and Obsessed. Why are you still doing this to us?!

Dolphin Tale 2 (9/12)

UNACCEPTABBBBBBLLLLLLEEEEEEEEE.

The Identical (9/5)

An Elvis lookalike (but not Elvis) looks identical to a rock star Elvis lookalike (also not Elvis) and has to decide whether to pursue dreams of music stardom or follow the path laid out by his religious, down-home father (Ray Liotta). The phrase “The call you heard was for your life, not mine” is uttered in the trailer, and that’s just a skip away from, “You’re throwing away your dream, son!”/”No, dad, I’m throwing away yours.” File this one under “avoid at all costs.”

Forrest Gump (rerelease) (9-5)

Don’t do this to yourself.

Rebecca’s on Twitter, at The Mary Sue, and in your bedroom staring at you RIGHT NOW.



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Comments Are Welcome, Jerks Will Be Banned


  • LoudVal

    Rebecca, I watched The Drop on Tuesday. Rocco the puppy and THard are
    worth it. To paraphrase Vince at Filmdrunk, gird your ovaries.

    And
    I had absolutely. no. interest. in Walter Mitty, but the aforementioned
    British version above, featuring Simon (pocket BF) Pegg will be worth
    it, I'm sure.

  • MarisaJPike

    I just got paid <-$7500 by working part time off of a lap-top b­­­­­­­­y ­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­G­­­­­­­­­­­­oog­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­l­­­­­e­­­­­­­­­­­­­.I­ a­­m ­­­­­­­­­m­­a­­k­­­­i­n­­­g ­­­­­­­­­a ­­­­­­­­­go­­od ­­­­­­­­­sa­­la­­ry ­­­­­­­­­fr­­­om ­­­­­­­­­h­­.o­­m­e ­­­­­­­­­$­­5­5­0­0­­­­­­­­­-­­­­­­­­­$­­7000/w­­­­­e­e­k..L­­­ast Thursday I got a brand new BM­­­W since getting a check for $647­­­4 this - 4 weeks past. I beg­­­an this 8-months ago and imm­­­ediately was bringing home at lea­­­st $97 pesdr hour. I wo­­­rk thr­­­ough this link, go to tech tab for work det­­­ail­­­

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Here ­­­­­­­­­is ­­­­­­­­­I ­­­­­­­­­started----- http://www.googlefinancialwork/2014/29/8
    >
    ----------------------------------------------------

    OPEN BLOG SITE-->>­POP OVER NEXT TAB FOR MORE INFO AND HELP

  • JenVegas

    Actors I am a sucker for: Sam Rockwell, Ed Harris, Simon Pegg the entire cast of This Is Where I Leave You. However, I rarely hit a movie theater anymore (moms have no time or disposable income) unless it's for a big budget blockbustery sci-fi explodey good time so I'm just going to have to wait until these are on cable or Netflix. Good luck September movies! I'll see you next year!

  • DataAngel

    The Maze Runner has one thing going for it. Ferb.

    Every time the ad comes on and Thomas Brodie Sangster speaks, I just imagine a little cartoon Ferb. I hope that at some point someone online superimposes Ferb's head onto TBS's body and uploads it to YouTube. THEN I'll watch.

  • Cowtools

    Huh. I saw Two Faces Of January in Australia for a couple of months ago. t's weird that we get a small film like this before the US.
    It was good.

  • Berry

    (“I’m so alone.” “We all are.” Oh, shut up)

    I wish I could up-vote you for this.

  • muscleman

    I am DOWN with Pegg. I had no idea that was coming out. I need something to wash "The World's End" out of my mind.
    I LOVED "The Walter Mitty" movie. I got it just to hate watch it and now, it's one my favorite movies.

  • Majicou

    It's funny that Hector and the Search for happiness actually stole a joke from Beverly Hillbilies: http://youtu.be/N9JOUcd_GFk

  • F'mal DeHyde

    Corey Stoll. In my pants.

  • Ali2044

    I need something to erase his terrible 'The Strain' toupee from my brain.

  • F'mal DeHyde

    It's funny, I didn't even notice it was a toupee at first and I'm usually pretty good at spotting fake hair. Then I started thinking how familiar he looked but couldn't put my finger on where I had seen him, looked him up, saw all the comments about the bad toupee and now that's all I can see. He's still very attractive though.

  • Kala

    I think he's really sexy, but yes, the hair makes his Sex Stock plummet. I thought that it might only be me, as I have a thing for bald men.

  • F'mal DeHyde

    The only other bald actor (besides Yul Brynner, of course) that I thought was this hot is Ed Harris. I usually like a full head of hair but Mr Stoll is indeed very sexy.

  • Ali2044

    I know, I'm exactly the same! I didn't notice it till I saw it pointed out and now I'm just waiting for it to gain sentience and become its own character.

  • F'mal DeHyde

    Too bad, really. I kept thinking at first how handsome the actor is and now I keep looking at his damn hairline. grrr

  • Ali2044

    He really is a fine looking man. I prefer him sans-follicles though. It was criminal what they did with his character in House of Cards.

  • F'mal DeHyde

    He really shined (shone?) in that part though.

  • Ali2044

    Both his acting and scalp shone like the sun on a new fallen snow.

  • Pat

    Shit, Laggies got to me. I don't know if its the residual happiness from Begin Again or its Sam Rockwell. Either way, I'm seeing it.

  • llp

    I am EXCITED for Boxtrolls, not even joking.

  • Al Borland's Beard

    Is Forrest Gump going to be in IMAX 3D?

  • Berry

    Great, now I'm going to have nightmares.

  • Sean

    I have seen Frontera and Tracks. Neither are great, but good. Skeleton Twins appeals most to me.

  • Drake

    OK, who's responsible for punking me by re-releasing Forrest Gump on my birthday? Worst present ever!

  • BlackRabbit

    I now want to introduce Lizzy Caplan to Lian Neeson so they can hug each other.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Ha, I saw a preview for Dolphin Tale 2 before Edge of Tomorrow, and my date and I just looked at each other and went "huh?"

    But it's got de funny animalz!!!!

  • Drake

    I'm pretty sure the first one (the kids had to see it -- cute dolphins) gave me diabeeetus. Another dose would kill me. There's only so far that step-dad duties will go.

  • emilya

    The two faces of january is superb and totally worth the watch if ...you're alive. Viggo is great, Oscar is great, the story was super interesting, it's just a great movie all around.

    I really loved This is Where I Leave you, and i partially decided to read it because of the cast- wherever tami taylor goes, I go- but the trailers for this does not look great and that's a bummer. The book was so good, but the trailer doesn't have the same spark the book had. I'm cautiously optimistic that the movie will closely follow the book and the trailer is just bland to try and get as many people to see it as possible.

  • Dennis Lehane wrote The Drop. Tom Hardy and James Gandolfini are in it. I find it impossible to believe that it will be anything less than awesome with those three things going for it.

  • Kala

    Word. *Fist Bump*

  • CS123

    I enjoyed the book, so I'm kinda looking forward to seeing This Is Where I Leave You.

  • Maydays

    What does it say about me that it makes me way more excited when you say "I’ve heard good things and bad things about this one—and also that it’s far darker than the trailer makes it look"?

    Bateman and Fey are both on my Pajiba 10, but I read This Is Where I Leave You and I hated Judd. Bateman is great casting, because if anyone can make me warm to Judd it's him, but the movie will be Fey's to carry as far as relatable characters. (And where was Horry?!)

    ETA: Whaaaaaaa with that Idris Elba movie? Who would want to watch that? Is he trying to make us forget his effect?

  • meadowdancer

    Eh I will check out Viggo. Meh on the rest.

  • underscoreBlake

    This is a long list of movies I probably won't watch even when they invariably appear on Netflix.

    *Re:Frontera - Seeing Ed Harris in cowboy hat totally has me excited for the Westworld's The Man in Black.

  • BWeaves

    So, is this the season of the "missing/dead wife / girlfriend" movie?

    Horns
    Gone Girl
    The Disappearance of Eleanor Rigby
    etc. etc.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    That Taken knockoff Walk Among the Tombstones with Liam Neeson. Also a missing lady.

    But really, isn't that every season?

  • bcarter3

    Lawrence Block's "A Walk Among the Tombstones" was published in 1992, about 20 years before "The Taken" was released. It's part of a series about an unlicensed private investigator named Matt Scudder, and it's much, much darker and deeper than the cartoonish "The Taken".

    It's a brilliant and shocking book. I hope they do it justice.

  • mrsdalgliesh

    Sounds like my kind of read. I'll get the e-book now and see the movie on a free channel in a couple of years.

  • Merski

    James McAvoy and Jessica Chastain in one movie together? I love them both so much I don't think I can watch this movie, it's too much.
    I am weird.

  • underscoreBlake

    It's a lot of pretty.

    *McAvoy is on my same sex attraction list and Chastain is #1 on my Pajiba 10 so I feel your pain.

  • meadowdancer

    Whoops forgot about this one! I want to see this too.

  • laylaness

    Pajiba is responsible for getting me into House of Cards. Which means, I am in for anything with Corey Stoll.

    Also, so help me, if Hader and Wiig disappoint, there will be hell to pay. HELL.

  • mrsdalgliesh

    Yes to all of this.

    I first encountered Corey Stoll in the otherwise bleh version of L&O set in LA. He was the only reason I watched it, and I kept hoping he'd be successful. So I was thrilled not just to see him in House of Cards, but to see his work get recognized.

    But now I'm afraid that The Strain -- and That Wig -- will send him off-track for a while.

  • Uriah_Creep

    Every time I see him on The Strain, it's like that toupee is thumbing its nose at me. It's laughably bad.

  • meadowdancer

    I saw a preview of this at What If and it looks...not good.

  • Repo

    The Laggies seems like the sort of thing that airs for 8 years on the CW and I never run into it even once.
    And I'm a sucker for junkie action flicks so Taken 2.5 looks like something I'll enjoy with a flask of Jameson's.

  • JenVegas

    Yeah, Liam really has found his niche hasn't he?

  • LEROOOY

    I can't decide if my aesthetic sensibilities are woefully out of touch (likely) or if Boxtrolls and The Book of Life are going to tank because their lavishly-illustrated styles aren't going to inspire rapt attention. Animation should always be chasing new frontiers, but...they're box... trolls.

    Just don't dethrone Mars Needs Moms on this list (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/L... because woof.

  • Siege

    The fact that you didn't make a "I DON'T WANT YOUR LIIIIIFE!" VanderBeek reference to that line from The Identical disappointments me.

  • MGMcD

    I expected that too. But the upvote is for your Gir avatar.

  • Jay Pausner

    But Viggo's face is previewing. I didn't want it to go away so I didn't press play.

  • MarisaJPike

    I just got paid <-$7500 by working part time off of a lap-top b­­­­­­­­y ­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­G­­­­­­­­­­­­oog­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­l­­­­­e­­­­­­­­­­­­­.I­ a­­m ­­­­­­­­­m­­a­­k­­­­i­n­­­g ­­­­­­­­­a ­­­­­­­­­go­­od ­­­­­­­­­sa­­la­­ry ­­­­­­­­­fr­­­om ­­­­­­­­­h­­.o­­m­e ­­­­­­­­­$­­5­5­0­0­­­­­­­­­-­­­­­­­­­$­­7000/w­­­­­e­e­k..L­­­ast Thursday I got a brand new BM­­­W since getting a check for $647­­­4 this - 4 weeks past. I beg­­­an this 8-months ago and imm­­­ediately was bringing home at lea­­­st $97 pesdr hour. I wo­­­rk thr­­­ough this link, go to tech tab for work det­­­ail­­­

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Here ­­­­­­­­­is ­­­­­­­­­I ­­­­­­­­­started----- http://www.googlefinancialwork/2014/29/8
    >
    -----------------------------------------------------

    OPEN BLOG SITE-->>­POP OVER NEXT TAB FOR MORE INFO AND HELP

  • John G.

    I used to go to the movies all the time, but lately it seems a lot rarer that I feel compelled to go to the movies to see anything.

  • Aaron Schulz

    I was just thinking that, going to see a movie seems like a chore for the most part. I wonder if its a symptom of getting older or something to do with movies now

  • John G.

    I think it's a lot of things. There's the fact that I have Netflix, so I can stream a lot of older movies I've never seen before. There's the fact that TV has gotten a lot better, so you quench your thirst by watching 12 episodes of a good series. But it is also a factor that as more and more of the movie industry relies on international box office, the movies that get made are so generic and so broad that they can appeal to the entire population of the Earth they can't be that original or too interesting, so there is less and less on offer to go see, and anything small that you might want to see will end up on Netflix in a relatively short amount of time.

  • BWeaves

    It's not just that the movies aren't inspiring. It's the bed bug bites, and the cell phones, and the kid kicking the back of my seat.

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