When I See the Way You Paint Your Lips and I Smell Your Perfume: The Worst Fake Blondes

By Cindy Davis | Posted Under Seriously Random Lists | Comments (47)

Ladies, you do not have to be blonde to be beautiful. I repeat, blonde not necessary. There are so many simply gorgeous women—actresses especially—who seem to think they are somehow inferior if they’ve not gotten blondified. Many start out with a few highlights; next thing you know, they’re full on bleached out, over-peroxided, extra-crispy platinum-headed and (I presume) their intelligence quotient has dropped a good ten points.

Yes, I do realize acting roles may call for the blondifying, but there are just too many who leave that bleach on long past its time. Some of these ladies claim blonde is their natural color, though clearly they’ve gone way past the sensible line of demarkation and turned themselves into caricatures. It seems to be a part of that whole crooked visual definition of what is sexy: platinum blonde, big hair, basketball boobs contained only by the stretch of a spandex minidress, stilettos with clear plastic heels and lips that are plumped, by hook or by crook. I’m not saying some people don’t find that a hot look; rather that there are other ways to catch a fish. But these ladies haven’t quite figured that out yet and so, they must be called out for failure to check the mirror in natural daylight…mismatching skin tone and hair color…the inability to see themselves as they truly are…and a complete misunderstanding of what makes them beautiful. Either their colorists are assholes laughing behind clients’ flaxen manes or they are completely and utterly inept.

Here are your top ten Fake Blonde Bimbos:

10.

Cindy Davis may be guilty of a highlight or four, but don’t email just to tell her how stupid she is.

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Comments

I thought Emma Stone was a natural blonde?

Posted by: Angel at August 7, 2011 3:09 PM

Was this, mayhaps, inspired by Joanne Kelly's turn as a blonde on Warehouse 13 episode Love Sick? Works on her. Maybe not permanently.

http://www.syfy.com/warehouse13

I'm kind of a fan of changing hair color as a sort of fashion fling. Not for me. For pretty people.

(Changing my hair has never created hordes of swooning humanoids nor do I feel better about myself simply because I'm worth it. Perhaps I'm doing it wrong?)

Posted by: BierceAmbrose at August 7, 2011 3:13 PM

Yeah, Emma Stone is a natural blonde.

Posted by: michaelceratops at August 7, 2011 3:14 PM

I'm sitting here with a head full of hair dye right now. But I go red, not blonde. I'd make a terrible blonde... not unlike Cher up there.

That header picture... tell me that's for a role. Because, wow. Just wow. That is some BIG hair. Is she playing a Real Housewife in some movie adaptation of the Bravo show?

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at August 7, 2011 3:17 PM

I know Emma Stone is a natural blonde but I really wonder if that shade is her natural colour or if her hair is naturally a darker blonde.

Posted by: ArmaAngeulus at August 7, 2011 3:22 PM

I wasn't sure if that was Kidman or Jenny McCarthy in that header pic.

Posted by: snapnhiss at August 7, 2011 3:59 PM

Emma Stone is a natural blond that looks better with red hair. Winona Ryder is a natural blond that looks better with dark hair as is Katy Perry, I believe. It happens.

Posted by: Az at August 7, 2011 4:04 PM

The worst is when a readhead goes blonde (Kidman, Stone). I mean, it's just offensive. Not that I'm biased in anyway, no sir. Nothing to see here.

Posted by: Ginger at August 7, 2011 4:36 PM

It never registered to me who Blake Lively was until I saw her in "The Green Lantern" where she darkified her hair.

Before that she was just some random boringly beautiful bland blonde babe whose pics popped up on sites every now and then and that everyone seemed to really dislike based on their comments.

As a brunette I was like, "Who the hell is this? She is H-O-T!". (I really never even noticed her bad acting.) That's when my girlfriend says to me "What? You don't know? that's that stupid Blake Lively girl from that dumb 'Gossipy Girl' show"

To which I replied, "NOW, I know why they call her Boobs Legsly!"

Posted by: Darth Darko at August 7, 2011 4:39 PM

Poor Rumer Willis.....sniffle...

Posted by: kirbyjay at August 7, 2011 4:40 PM

Cher can do no wrong.

That is all.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at August 7, 2011 4:56 PM

How dare you lump Emma Stone into all of this mess.

Posted by: duckandcover at August 7, 2011 5:12 PM

Thank you for shedding some light on this silly phenomenon, but I think you've missed some of the most obvious ones: X-Tina, Heidi Montag, Scar-Jo, Kellan Lutz, Katherine Heigle, Pam Anderson, the list could go on for years I suppose.

Posted by: hoganbcmj at August 7, 2011 5:32 PM

How is Angelina Jolie not #1 on this list? The movie where she went blonde, Life or something like it, had a working title of Life or oh my god what the F*CK is on Angie's head?! Kill it! Kill it with fire!!

Posted by: HookedonBass at August 7, 2011 6:37 PM

Emma Stone may be a blonde, but she's nowhere near that blonde. Her roots show she's more in the middle.

Posted by: Matt at August 7, 2011 7:05 PM

Number one on my bad blonde list is and always will be Bruce Willis. I thought perhaps the Jackal got it out of his system, but then he did Surrogates. And Lo the wig was worn and the skys turned to pitch and the rivers ran with blood. Real fire and brimstone stuff. Plus, bangs??

Posted by: Mrcreosote at August 7, 2011 7:05 PM

NEVER SAY AN UNKIND WORD ABOUT POSH SPICE.

Posted by: Bequafina at August 7, 2011 7:13 PM

No Anna Ferris?

Also, pic #7: That's not blonde at the top, that's gray. LOOK CLOSER. The thing about red hair is that it fades. My mom now has that exact same color of hair and she did not dye it that way.

Not saying Nicole would never/has never dyed her hair blonde just saying the pic used is a poor choice.

Posted by: Faye at August 7, 2011 8:29 PM

My 15-year-old daughter grew up with blonde blonde blonde hair, but as she went through puberty it gradually became darker, as so often happens. So she highlighted it, and then straight-up dyed it blonde, for most of her freshman year. One day this summer, she came across some photos taken last summer, and realized that she looked much much better with the darker hair - the blonde was washing her out, making her look sickly. So she decided, of her own volition, to resume her natural haircolor. I may have cried tears of joy. She's 15, she'll mess with her hair color many many times in coming years, I have no doubt, but she showed a self-awareness in that decision that gives me great pride. She realized, unlike the women above, that blonde isn't always beautiful. That girl's gonna go far.

Posted by: Edith at August 7, 2011 9:39 PM

Pretty sure, unless you're from one of the Nordic states where it's mandatory, there are about 5 natural blondes, like, anywhere.

Posted by: Protoguy at August 7, 2011 10:42 PM

Wow someone really went to town with the photoshop on Julia Roberts. She looks like a mannequin.

Posted by: John W at August 7, 2011 11:13 PM

Laura Prepon! She looks absolutely terrible as a blonde

Posted by: Even Stevens at August 7, 2011 11:38 PM

WHY IS CLAIRE DANES NOT ON THIS LIST? STOP TELLING YOURSELF YOU ARE A NATURAL BLONDE, WOMAN. Also, woe to all the natural redheads who've given up on the ginger. I think Emma Stone does manage to pull off her natural blond better than the rest on this list, but goodness, she says she's a ginger on the inside, and god bless her for that. Even natural blonds like Deborah Ann Woll and Olivia Wilde (whose parts got better as she went darker) realized how much more interesting it is to go brunette or red.

Posted by: Sefa at August 8, 2011 12:54 AM

I don't get why any woman with naturally red hair would choose to go blonde. What a downgrade.

Posted by: LaRhue at August 8, 2011 1:04 AM

I'm just kind of wondering why the hell we're calling them bimbos. I mean...really? For a dye job?

Posted by: Venture82 at August 8, 2011 4:11 AM

I appreciate that as a Pajiban you didn't go for the obvious in all cases, but really, there are a few on here that are just not as ghastly as the write up would insinuate! Stone is a better redhead, but not a horrible blond by any means. Buffy and Kidman both look pretty decent as darker blonds. While the shades pictured here are indeed horrible, I'm fairly certain that in the present, both are back to darker colors (Kidman may even be back to red, last I checked.)

Posted by: Amanda6 at August 8, 2011 5:18 AM

Being a natural redhead is awesome. The part that sucks is that it doesn't last very long, and it's really difficult (and expensive) to find a bottle red that looks like your natural hue once did. As somebody up-thread mentioned, the red fades to white...for me, it started in my mid-30s. And now I'm bummed.

Posted by: Jen at August 8, 2011 7:13 AM

Posh has so many more things going wrong than just the hair dye. Wayyyy to many trips to the plastic surgeon. I do not get why anyone thinks she looks good. She's the female michael jackson.

Posted by: Kerminy at August 8, 2011 8:21 AM

I wouldn't have put Gellar on here; blonde is part of her persona. Always has been.

Posted by: Todd at August 8, 2011 9:20 AM

I think for me with a lot of bottle blondes is that not all of them actually look good. I don't just mean the match of colour, skin, eyes etc, I mean are their ANY blonde dyes that don't dissolve ninety percent of your hairs thickness?

Basically blondes who get blondER highlights do alright, but if you're dark haired like me, blonde dye is ACID.
Emma Stone, who I did think was a natural redhead, even has fried ass hair from it being dyed back to blonde, like....I don't get it. Why are people so willing to destroy their glorious manes?

Those who DO dye from dark to blonde, do you find it DISSSSSOOOLLLVES your hair or do you do okay?

Posted by: Nadine at August 8, 2011 9:32 AM

Nadine, I agree that it completely dissolves your hair.

As someone who is constantly messing with her hair color I can assure you that once you get to the blonde stage, you best have short, short hair and be ready to start trimming that shit and highlighting the roots for weeks once you're tired of blonde, or just sign up for St. Baldrick's and be done with it. (I've gone that route two times now.)

Posted by: Shonda at August 8, 2011 9:51 AM

Totally Shonda. My mum insisted on us having blonde highlights for years and I hated it. My hair now compared to my early teens is incredible, the difference in thickness and manageability etc.

Also, lots of people say they go blonde because their own skin tone doesn't suit their hair etc and I'm like, it's called frikkin' make up. There's a million harmless things you can do to even up your tones that don't end in your hair crumbling to dust. YOUR PRETTY HAIR!!!

Posted by: Nadine at August 8, 2011 10:03 AM

so, no one else is gonna mention the tragedy of rumer willis up there? just me? ok

Posted by: mandatron at August 8, 2011 10:28 AM

I was trying to pretend Rumer's picture wasn't there. Who ever did that to her is CRUEL. Poor kid.

Posted by: Nadine at August 8, 2011 10:40 AM

Argh, I remember when they were trying to make Jessica Alba look Scandinavian. It was as baffling as Angelina Jolie playing an African American woman in A Mighty Heart.

Posted by: Sofia at August 8, 2011 11:36 AM

I'm a brunette, but I don't always think brunette or even one's natural hair color looks better. I think Gellar looks much better as a blonde. I also like Posh's hair that color - it's a cute cut on her, so she can get away with having it dark, light, whatever.

I think Emma Stone looks good with the blonde hair, as well. She looks horrible in the ads for The Help - I presume that's her natural hair color?

The only travesty here is LiLo. The red hair really, really suits her.

Posted by: samantha t at August 8, 2011 11:40 AM

#1 is one ugly dude.

Posted by: logar at August 8, 2011 11:49 AM

That's not a dude?

Oh ... ahem.

Well then I'll just say that it goes against every principle I hold dear and true to say this, but that pix of JR makes her almost look attractive.

Still has weird lips, though.

Posted by: , at August 8, 2011 12:25 PM

Emma is natural. Not sure that exact tone is her natural color, but she is natural. She doesn't look that bad - just prefer the red. Christina Hendricks is naturally blonde, too. Thank FSM she goes red, though.

Posted by: Firestarter at August 8, 2011 2:55 PM

Like many have said above, Emma Stone is a natural blonde. She also went blonde for a role only and went back to red as soon as filming was over so I don't get why she's on here.

Posted by: Nan at August 8, 2011 5:05 PM

How is Angelina Jolie not #1 on this list? The movie where she went blonde, Life or something like it, had a working title of Life or oh my god what the F*CK is on Angie's head?! Kill it! Kill it with fire!!

Oh, no. We are to pretend that movie never happened. Remember? We agreed? Thanks.

Posted by: greer at August 8, 2011 9:27 PM

Wasn't she blonde in Gia as well?

I don't know how, but Madonna of the white steel wool and caterpillar eyebrows must be on that list.

Posted by: Protoguy at August 9, 2011 6:02 AM

@Protoguy, I actually had her picture--but damned if she didn't still look cute.

Posted by: Cindy at August 9, 2011 9:46 AM

Wait, who are these women?
Oh, I get it. By leaving out the actresses names you outed me as a blonde.
Well played Cindy. I'll hunt you down and skewer you with my fake nipples as soon as I figure out how to to get out how to surf this net.

Posted by: cinekat at August 9, 2011 9:52 AM

i think these women have been getting too much advice on what straight men want from other women and gay men.

Anorexia is not hot.

Frizz blonde is not hot.

Disproportionately big boobs are not hot.

Botox is not hot.

Posted by: Chris JL at August 9, 2011 10:39 PM

What about Christina Ricci in Sleepy Hollow?

Posted by: jill at August 10, 2011 2:08 AM

SMG worked as a blonde...when she was in her early twenties and playing a subversion of the blonde cheerleader who got killed in the first act of a horror flick.

Not so much anymore.

Posted by: Shadowen at August 14, 2011 8:12 PM

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When I See the Way You Paint Your Lips and I Smell Your Perfume: The Worst Fake Blondes

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