What's in a Box? The Five Best Cinematic Boxes

What's in the Box? The Five Best Cinematic Boxes

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Seriously Random Lists | Comments (73)

Richard Kelly’s The Box is set to be released this week, which is about a mysterious box which is given to a married couple. If they open it, they receive a million dollars; but someone somewhere will die.

Of course, Kelly’s box is not the first mysterious box in cinematic history. In fact, they are fairly common, and often act as metaphors. Or sometimes — as in the case of number one — they just contain really cool contents.

Here are the five best boxes in cinematic history.

5. Kiss Me Deadly

What’s in the Box? Radionuclide material that causes Lily Carver (Gaby Rodgers) to burst into flames.

4. Saw V

What’s in the Box? Looks like the head of “Gilmore Girls’” Luke (Scott Patterson) to me.

3. Hellraiser

What’s in the Box? Hooked chains that tear away flesh, in addition to Cenobites — the enforcers for Leviathan, the Lord of Hell — from another dimension.

2. Wall-E

What’s in the Box? A sense of emotion, curiosity, sentience, and cute little quirks that melt your heart!

1. Se7en

What’s in the Box? Gwynie’s head, of course!

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Comments

I like how you did that, Rowles. I come here expecting one thing and you took it in a completely different direction. I am a little dissapointed though. I think my idea was better.

Posted by: admin at November 4, 2009 12:03 PM

1. Se7en What’s in the Box? Gwynie’s head, of course!

We would have also accepted the following answer: "Goop".

Posted by: Doctor Controversy at November 4, 2009 12:06 PM

And here I thought this would be your cute euphemistic way of announcing a post exploring the five best cinematic vaginas and/or their contents.

I am disappointed, I have to say.

Posted by: Cat at November 4, 2009 12:08 PM

Well, I'm glad I'm not the only one that was expecting a list of vaginas.

Posted by: henchman for hire at November 4, 2009 12:10 PM

I too am sad that this post didn't take the vagooter route. Jenna Jameson's pool ball shooting zombie cooch would have won.

Posted by: Julie at November 4, 2009 12:11 PM

Another outstanding list of complete randomness!

So, this is only vaguely related, but I've been thinking about it since the Scariest Books thread. Has anyone read a book called The Girl in the Box? (see? related!) It was terrifying: about this girl who got kidnapped and put into this tiny room in complete darkness and she doesn't know why or for how long she's in there, but she keeps writing her story. Completely freaked me out as a kid.

Anyway. Poor Luke. Look where he ended up.

Posted by: figgy at November 4, 2009 12:11 PM

Also, what is WRONG with you people?!

Posted by: figgy at November 4, 2009 12:12 PM

Hey! What do you mean "you people"?

Posted by: henchman for hire at November 4, 2009 12:20 PM

Hey ! What do you mean "you people"?

Posted by: Alex the not so odd at November 4, 2009 12:24 PM

HUH!

Posted by: figgy at November 4, 2009 12:25 PM

Someone make a list of the other 5 best cinematic boxes.

Maybe Bubbles from Zach and Miri. Julie definitely makes a good suggestion with a pool ball shooting zombie vagina (I'm assuming this is the infamous Zombie Strippers movie that I've heard so much about)and I suppose Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct would get a mention.

Posted by: becks at November 4, 2009 12:26 PM

Oh, I've got a magical box for you to ope... Oh wait. Not that kind of box.

And, What about the Ark Of The Covenant, Indiana Jones, Raiders of the Lot Ark?
You gotta admit, that was a pretty spicy box.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 4, 2009 12:28 PM

No Arc from Raiders? Seriously? It fits the definition of a box to me, they don't all have to be cuboid.

Posted by: cockroach at November 4, 2009 12:28 PM

No Ark of the Covenant?

Posted by: Tim at November 4, 2009 12:28 PM

TRIPLE JINX!!!!

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 4, 2009 12:29 PM

that's one great simultaneous posting at 12:28!

Posted by: cockroach at November 4, 2009 12:31 PM

You all would complain if you got hung with a new rope.

MORE ADS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by: Cindy at November 4, 2009 12:31 PM

Is there some sort of commentor mind-synch going on around here?

Posted by: Drake at November 4, 2009 12:31 PM

That poor woman's George Foreman grill has gone nuclear.

Posted by: Adam at November 4, 2009 12:32 PM

motherfucking trinity

it's the pajipocalypse

Posted by: Scully at November 4, 2009 12:35 PM

I thought there would be at least one

"dick in a box"

so well played sir, well played

Posted by: AK47 at November 4, 2009 12:35 PM

Hee. I love you people.

Posted by: figgy at November 4, 2009 12:36 PM

Yeah, well, if I am part of the Holy Trinity of Pajiba we are all in a lot of trouble.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 4, 2009 12:41 PM

An almost throwaway moment from Hook that I still find funny (maybe the only funny thing in that movie) was the "Boo Box". As punishment they locked one of the pirates in a box, and then dropped scorpions in through a hole while saying "Boo!" Anyone? Just me?

Posted by: branded at November 4, 2009 12:42 PM

I love that scene branded! I heard once that the pirate they throw in there is Glenn Close.

Posted by: Julie at November 4, 2009 12:46 PM

I second the "boo box"!

I've also played trivia in New Haven at a bar where Charlie Korsmo was attending. We had him completely befuddled every time they called out our team name, "RUN HOME JACK!".

(Also thought about the "Mike Dexter All-Stars", but Hook is a guilty pleasure)

Posted by: D-Day at November 4, 2009 12:49 PM

Gwynie's head in the box is what drove Chris Martin to pen the song "Fix You". And try as he did, he could't get her goddamn head back on her body after Kaiser Soze made her into a human Pez dispenser.

True story. I know it's true because I read it on the internets.

Posted by: John Denver's Wingman at November 4, 2009 12:50 PM

"I know it's true because I read it on the internets."

Well if that's true, then maybe his next will be "I Got Caught Making Out With Kate Bosworth Because She's a Less Annoying, Younger Version Of You".

Posted by: D-Day at November 4, 2009 12:54 PM

What about Marsellus Wallace's briefcase? It might not be a box in the traditional sense, but it is a container for carrying things.

Posted by: Jonah at November 4, 2009 12:55 PM

Yeah, well, if I am part of the Holy Trinity of Pajiba we are all in a lot of trouble.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 4, 2009 12:41 PM
---
*chooses to continue worshiping Lwa'e,' cleans and loads heavy weaponry, braces for trouble*
---
I hate you all.

Posted by: figgy at November 4, 2009 12:27 PM

Hee. I love you people.

Posted by: figgy at November 4, 2009 12:36 PM
---
A little bipolar today, are we, figgy?

Posted by: , (TCFKAB) at November 4, 2009 12:58 PM

This plot was also used for one of the 1980s version of Twilight Zone, right? I didn't just completely imagine that did I?

Posted by: Smello at November 4, 2009 1:02 PM

You guys are killing me this morning! Good coffee, Jango is rocking some solid fucking tunes and the 'jibans are on one! Oh, I'm supposed to be working?

Posted by: John Denver's Wingman at November 4, 2009 1:06 PM

In the spirit of our upcoming movie club pick, how about the blue box in Mulholland Drive?

And riffing on Jonah's contribution, how about the box-case in Ronin?

Posted by: Jacktrade at November 4, 2009 1:09 PM

It's getting funny when the commenters are out-listing the listers.

Although don't get me wrong, I love the lists and I burn way too much time on this website every day.

But Saw V? Really? Over Raiders? Marcellus' briefcase is a really good call too, that still pisses me off about Pulp Fiction...

How about Cube? The phone booth from Bill n Ted? We can do better comrades!

Posted by: D-Day at November 4, 2009 1:09 PM

Oh Big Daddy,
As a favored acolyte, your eternal protection is assured. You know, as long as you keep buttering me up. Oh, and sacrifices. Lots of sacrifices. Preferably of the zealots of other religions, and people who drive Hummers.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 4, 2009 1:11 PM

Hey, if 'booths' count, then The Phantom Tollbooth and The Tardis had better be right the fuck in there as well.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 4, 2009 1:13 PM

You can drive a hummer? I thought it was simply called "road head"?

Posted by: John Denver's Wingman at November 4, 2009 1:13 PM

Deep Sigh.
HumVee. See how easy it is to misinterpret the will of the Gods?

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 4, 2009 1:16 PM

What? No "Boxing Helena?"

Posted by: BWeaves at November 4, 2009 1:16 PM

The 5 Best V-Boxes:

5. Sharon Stone's Basic Instink
4. Teeth
3. Bubbles from Zach and Miri
2. Pricilla, Queen of the Desert's ping pong ball shooting, Asian "wife"
1. Jenna Jameson's pool ball shooting zombie cooch

Posted by: BWeaves at November 4, 2009 1:21 PM

You guys are fucking perverted! I was referring to boxing movies. You know, Ali and the like? You all disgust me and I will heretoforth not be associated with any of you.

Posted by: admin at November 4, 2009 1:36 PM

Also, nobody does box like Meg Ryan. Nobody!

Posted by: admin at November 4, 2009 1:37 PM

I thought we were starting a band though, admin?

Posted by: John Denver's Wingman at November 4, 2009 1:37 PM

Whoa, whoa, whoa!!!

I think we ALL know that the best, most KICK ASS box of all time was featured on "Wheel of Fish" from UHF.

In a dramatic turn of events Phyllis Weaver chooses whatever's in the box instead of the tasty red snapper. And what is in that box Kuni? "Nothing! Absolutely nothing! Stupid! You're so stupid!!!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dx_UJxuQGXo

Posted by: citizen_cris at November 4, 2009 1:42 PM

Sweet Jesus, I forgot about Teeth.

Posted by: becks at November 4, 2009 1:45 PM

Most Likely to be Said to Have the Most Box-Like Personality: Scarlett Johanssen.

Posted by: figgy at November 4, 2009 1:54 PM

This entire post should be dropped into the Dictionary as a definition of "Pajiba".

You bastards is funny.

Posted by: Skitz at November 4, 2009 1:56 PM

I'm going to sit in the corner and sulk since everyone already made the good jokes ("you people") and obvious ommisions (Arc of the Covenant)

*sulk, grumble grumble, sulk*

Posted by: Gnaius at November 4, 2009 2:14 PM

I expected to see the box from Barton Fink here. There are a lot more mysterious cinematic boxes than I thought!

Posted by: vic at November 4, 2009 2:32 PM

Too bad "Dick in a Box" wouldn't work here.

Posted by: agent bedhead at November 4, 2009 2:42 PM

Uh, does a coffee can count? Then I vote LEBOWSKI!!

And, yes, sadly, I expected a cooterpocalypse when I saw the title.

Now I go join Gnaius in the corner of lateness and shame.

(grumble grumble damn state computers sulk AT&T pricks screwing up internets at work bitch piss can't screw off if can't get to Pajiba moan)

Posted by: dammitjanet at November 4, 2009 2:43 PM

The Five Best Cinematic Boxes?

Sharon Stone's in Basic Instinct.

Posted by: L.O.V.E. at November 4, 2009 2:47 PM

Huh. Didn't recognise Luke without his backwards baseball cap.

Posted by: Raisin'Cookies at November 4, 2009 3:22 PM

L.O.V.E. totally stole my joke.

Posted by: ChristianH at November 4, 2009 3:24 PM

Did anyone mention Sherilyn Fenn? Boxing Helena? A box within a box, so to speak.

Posted by: Tranjo at November 4, 2009 3:32 PM

5. Josh Hartnett
4. The son from "V"
3. Roman Polanski
2. Michael Bay
1. Dane Cook

They all play big, fat, stinky boxes very well.

Posted by: Kballs at November 4, 2009 3:35 PM

What about the box from Repo Man? I think the reason why we can can't do top five cinematic cooters is because if Sharon Stone is on it that is a list FAIL! Top five just ends up being some five. Also, apparently, I haven't being paying attention because I couldn't even come up with five cinematic vaginas more or less a top five. (My spell check doesn't recognize "vaginas." I apologize, should I have said "vaginae"?)

Posted by: ABW at November 4, 2009 3:36 PM

Someone somewhere on the internets once described James "I dohn't wahnt yore LIFE!" Van Der Beek as having "a head like a cereal box." It stuck with me -- I can't explain exactly how, but it's really true, he does.

Posted by: lizzie (greeneyed fem) at November 4, 2009 4:15 PM

figgy, I read The Girl In The Box when I was in junior high. Scared the crap out of me too.

Posted by: neurotica at November 4, 2009 4:37 PM

The Wrong Box, anyone. Great classic movie that revolves around a box. How could that not make the list. The box is half the plot of the movie.

Also, I totally thought about the brief case in Pulp Fiction, but figured it didn't fit the definition of a box. Oh well.

Posted by: Morgan LaFai at November 4, 2009 5:00 PM

Doesn't Oldboy have a box or two?

Posted by: Christina at November 4, 2009 5:56 PM

Dang. Y'all beat me to it: Ronin and Pulp Fiction. I can't believe those weren't in the list. I guess those were "cases" not "boxes." 5 best cases next?

Posted by: Hoof Hearted at November 4, 2009 6:36 PM

Seconding Barton Fink. I'm surprised it was left out.

And damn it people, stop stretching the definition of 'box' to breaking point! Booths aren't boxes! Coffee cans aren't boxes! Briefcases aren't boxes!

Posted by: Daniel Hall at November 4, 2009 7:39 PM

I too am sad that this post didn't take the vagooter route. Jenna Jameson's pool ball shooting zombie cooch would have won.

Posted by: Julie at November 4, 2009 12:11 PM

Every time I see that word, I sing it to the tune of Kate Bush’s Babooshka. It's the "oo"'s.

Posted by: Squirrelgripper at November 4, 2009 10:42 PM

My vote is for the UHF Wheel of Fish box. That movie still cracks me up.

Posted by: Brenton at November 4, 2009 10:46 PM

When Skit2 thinks we're funny, we're fuckin' funny.

*high fives all around*

Damn, this Sierra Nevada Celebration Ale is the shit.

Posted by: , (TCFKAB) at November 5, 2009 1:09 AM

Wait ... don't Mogwai come in boxes?

Posted by: , (TCFKAB) at November 5, 2009 10:24 AM

The metaphorical "box" in Boxing Helena?

The box of chocolates in Forrest Gump?

Fox in Socks on Knox in Box?

Posted by: courtney at November 5, 2009 12:27 PM

Didn't see if someone else suggested them, but thought of some other great boxes, or cases:
-The case in Ronin
-The case in Pulp Fiction

Essential parts of the movie, but never find out what's inside.

Posted by: was at November 5, 2009 12:56 PM

Sorry Hoof, just saw your post.

Posted by: was at November 5, 2009 12:58 PM

What about the purple boxes from Oldboy?

Posted by: MiniTs at November 7, 2009 2:55 PM

BARTON FINK!!!! good call!

im suprised Mulholland Falls wasn't on there...weirdest box of all time maybe???

Posted by: mouth.like.a.sailor at November 11, 2009 2:28 PM

WHAT?!! How on earth can you not put in the box from Barton Fink?

Posted by: Brian at November 17, 2009 11:57 AM

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What's in the Box? The Five Best Cinematic Boxes

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