What a Funky Lady: The Top Five Actors Who Have Morphed Into Middle-Aged Women
If you’re anything like me, you’ve been watching a few actors like a hawk, alternately mesmerized and horrified by the progression of their transformations from man to woman. Unlike people who make a conscious choice to dress like women or surgically change their sex, there seem to be some men who simply morph as they age. Some are easily predictable and some are a surprise; there is one actor on this list that has clearly been headed to ladyland his whole life and there was just nothing he could do about it. But if there is one suggestion I would offer all these men, it is this: Do something with your hair. The Farrah was created in the 70s and there it should stay. And never mind that whole wavy, feathered thing—at a certain point the long hair has to either go or if you’re inclined to go with the hippie godfather thing, tie that shit back. You don’t look cool or hip or laid-back, you look like an ugly ass middle-aged woman. Unless you are prepping for your Academy Award nominated turn as Janet Reno, Julia Child or Liberace, do something with your hair.
5. Johnny Depp
Johnny, what has become of you? You used to be the definition of a hot, studly man. Now you’re starting to remind me of Tootsie.
4. Alec Baldwin:
Alec, normally I don’t like to criticize a person’s weight, but in your case, dropping a few pounds would really help your face. Get rid of those Liz Claiborne sunglasses, the jacket isn’t doing you any favors (it doesn’t flatter your body or make you look less womanly) and for Jesopus’ sake, stop with the hair flip in the front already.
3. Tom Cruise:
Tom has always had a bit of the womanly thing going, especially when he’s had long hair. Finally, he has the moobs to match.
2. Michael Douglas:
Oh Mikey, I’m so happy you beat the cancer that I’ll just say, “Get a haircut.” It’ll do you wonders, boy.
1. Steven Weber:
Steven, Steven, Steven. Just because you kick off your career on a show called “Wings” doesn’t mean you have to incorporate them into your hair the rest of your life. Honestly, I’m not sure poor Weber ever had a chance at being a manly man—there’s just something in his genes that tilted his features toward the feminine side. That said, once again, hair has a lot to do with this problem.
The flip seems to be a common factor among these less than dudely dudes, so let that be a lesson to you up and coming actors (I’m talking to you, Pattinson). And mamas, don’t let your boy babies grow up to be ugly women…unless, of course, that’s what they choose to be.
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