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I Will Take My Anger Out On My Own Body – We’re Going to Denny’s

Future Denny’s All Nighter Rockstar Menu Entrees / Brian Prisco

Seriously Random Lists | July 7, 2009 | Comments (85)

As if it weren’t exciting enough to get a Twitter feed from this clot in the arteries of late night Americana, Denny’s now offers a late-night menu of breakfast options, reasonably priced slightly above the market value for Grade W Protein Alternative Foodstuffs (mostly circus animals, some newspaper filler). The entrees were supposedly created by some of your “favorite” “popular” “musicians”! Bands like Rascal Flatts and Gym Class Heroes and Good Charlotte have taken to the roach-infested hallows of their local greasiest spoon to hand-craft these exciting breakfast entrees.

Since I’ve got an in on just about anything that can cause harm to the human body through dietary consumption — I’m a Freemayon — we here at Pajiba are excited to bring you a sneak preview of their next wave of heart-attack inducing drunkard fodder. Bon appétit!


Coldplay
An egg white omelet served with swiss cheese, white toast and a cup of weak-ass Earl Grey tea. Easy on the digestive system — it’s almost like eating nothing at all!

The Offspring
Just a western omelet served with hash browns. It tastes good, but you get filled with this overwhelming sense of disbelief that they’re still serving this late. It’s like 4 a.m.; seriously, there’s still an audience for this stuff?

Jonas Brothers
Banana pancakes, no nuts. They’ve been serving this for years, only before it was called N’Sync, The Backstreet Boys, Hanson, The Osmonds …

Fergie
A delicate crepe suzette that’s almost lacy and elegant, with a huge polish sausage just stuffed right in the middle.

Weezer
All you can eat cinnamon French Toast! The first couple servings are amazing, probably the best you’ve ever eaten. But as they keep coming, it gets more stale, and flavorless and repetitive.

Katy Perry
Our Meat Lover’s skillet — bacon, sausage, ham, you name it! Only all of it is made of soy and tofu.

Amy Winehouse
Creamed Chipped Beef with herbs served on green-tinted marbled pumpernickel. This shit on a shingle looks terrible, but when you sample it, it’s surprisingly delicious.

Guns N’ Roses
This special takes three hours to make and costs four times as much as you’d want to spend. Then by the time you get it, it’s just a bowl of cold cereal. And not even brand name, but some generic crap like Fruit Rings or Cocoa Crisps.

Asher Roth
Fried chicken and waffles, served ironically. A special caveat: if any person of color in the restaurant sees you eating it, they’re allowed to beat you with pipes.

Brooke Hogan
Scrapple, covered in dishwater, served in a plastic Styrofoam container. So you can get the hell out for ordering it.


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Comments

Fucking brilliant, sir.

Posted by: Skitz at July 7, 2009 3:03 PM

Nickelback
Mayonnaise, straight from the jar. You know it's bad for you, but how can 7 million other people be wrong?

Posted by: Ian at July 7, 2009 3:04 PM

What would be Teh Kid Rock?

And yes, "Teh" has to be included in the written menu when referencing Kid Rock.

Posted by: anderbot at July 7, 2009 3:15 PM

Awww, thanks a lot, Prisco! I just spat a mouthful of chewed up nuts all over my screen laughing so hard at the Fergie part. I do so hope your pleased with yourself...

Posted by: Jeremy Feist at July 7, 2009 3:16 PM

Ian, hush your mouth. Nickelback is the musical Anti-Christ. Mayonnaise was sent here by enlightened higher beings who love us.

Posted by: TK at July 7, 2009 3:17 PM

I just got to Brooke Hogan and threw up. Just so you know. Not a little, either. Mr. Creosote quantities of vomit.

Better get a bucket.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at July 7, 2009 3:18 PM

When I got to the Fergie I just about choked.

Well done.

Posted by: Drake at July 7, 2009 3:22 PM

Metallica
Massive, juicy steak, served rare with a quartet of fried eggs. The first bites are of the beefiest, most delicious steak you've ever eaten, tender and practically falling apart in your mouth. The eggs are cooked to perfection, and combined with the steak make for a heavenly feast. After that the steak gets tougher and drier, eventually beginning to decay. You end up picking maggots out of your teeth. The eggs, once the perfect compliment to the steak, begin to taste foul and bloody. By the time you're done, you realize they were fertilized, and you've been eating chicken fetuses.

Posted by: Snath at July 7, 2009 3:24 PM

TK, you're right. In my haste to get near the top of a comment thread (which NEVER happens for me) I presented a flawed metaphor.

Let's replace "mayonnaise" (which in fact I DO like out of the jar) with "sun-dried maple-glazed kangaroo penis." If anyone likes that, you're welcome to Nickleback as well.

Posted by: Ian at July 7, 2009 3:24 PM

Teh Kid Rock

Silicone implant omelet, with a side of beer-batter fried stogies. And an ineffective fist-fight for dessert.

Posted by: BierceAmbrose at July 7, 2009 3:26 PM

The only cinnamon I want is Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and even then not that much. Most overrated spice ever. Fucks up coffee too.

Posted by: Jay at July 7, 2009 3:28 PM

This will annoy some people:

TV on the Radio:
Celery cocktail. Takes more energy in consumption than is contained in itself.

Posted by: Ian at July 7, 2009 3:28 PM

The Lady Gaga:

Two pancakes with syrup of ipecac.

Posted by: BWeaves at July 7, 2009 3:40 PM

Insane Clown Posse
Barbeque-butchered chicken heads slathered in Tarter-Nut sauce and a side order of broiled styrofoam cups, filled with imported Faygo, if so desired. Comes with a free punch to the nuts.

and just for fun:

Sauron
1 Onion ring. No napkins.

Posted by: annoyingmouse at July 7, 2009 3:45 PM

John Mayer/John Legend: Underdone white toast gone cold served with gobs of not entirely melted butter. Expired orange marmalade on the side.

Posted by: Cindy at July 7, 2009 3:54 PM

Upon everyone's insistence, I recently tried Denny's The Decemberists and had their Vampire Weekend for dessert. It was cooked well and everything, but I don't think I'll be ordering it again anytime soon...

Posted by: Skitz at July 7, 2009 3:57 PM

Let's replace "mayonnaise" (which in fact I DO like out of the jar) with "sun-dried maple-glazed kangaroo penis.

I'm not sure which half of that sentence is more disgusting.

The U2 Platter: Pancakes, eggs and bacon that are okay, but never as incredible as everyone insists they are.

The Elvis: Chili and cheese omelet made with no seasoning, it's a significantly less interesting version of the Wynonie Harris for people who don't like spicy food.

The Roots: Egg white omelet with organic feta cheese and locally-grown mushrooms, served with turkey bacon, fresh-baked bread and hand-squeezed orange juice. It will taste incredible. Your white friends will love it while your black friends will be either mystified or indifferent.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at July 7, 2009 3:59 PM

BBBLARGH!!!!

There ya go AvB.

Posted by: Mrcreosote at July 7, 2009 3:59 PM

Teh Kid Rock:

Waffles served with two heaping mounds of whipped cream and on the side a cuff upside the head from the waitress.

Posted by: Jadine at July 7, 2009 4:00 PM

It took me five minutes to remember who Asher Roth was, and now I'll never forgive you for making me remember.

Posted by: Marra at July 7, 2009 4:01 PM

Madonna: Nouvelle Rancheros: Two hard-boiled eggs topped with mild salsa, side of raisin toast topped with cream cheese. Served with Mimosa elixir. (Reinvention that sounds disgusting but something in there makes it one of our most popular dishes. Never gets old. The gays love it!)

Posted by: Cindy at July 7, 2009 4:06 PM

About a week ago, I tried their Kanye Western Omelette, which was touted as
"OUR BEST OMELETTE EVER!! THIS OMELETTE REDEFINES EVERYTHING YOU THINK YOU KNEW ABOUT BREAKFAST!! IT TRANSCENDS ALL BREAKFAST PLATTERS THAT HAVE COME BEFORE IT AND RAISES THE BAR TO A HEIGHT THAT NO OTHER COMBINATION OF EGGS, SAUSAGE, GREEN PEPPERS AND HASH BROWNS COULD EVER HOPE TO ACHIEVE!! ANYONE WHO DOESN'T LOVE THE KANYE WESTERN IS A FOOL!! PEACE!!!!!!!!

Granted, it was pretty good, but I doubt I'll remember it five years from now...

Posted by: Skitz at July 7, 2009 4:11 PM

You guys, killing me with the funny.

Posted by: Snath at July 7, 2009 4:13 PM

Beck

Special Spicy Mystery Omelet! Features 2 eggs, red peppers, sausage, and one or more randomly selected ingredients. Warning: random ingredients may not be actual food.

Posted by: ahamos at July 7, 2009 4:14 PM

Wendel ordered the Bjorkfast Burrito, and we received a piece of burnt white toast cut into a star, sprinkled with feathers and served on a Bedazzled oven mitt...

Posted by: Skitz at July 7, 2009 4:16 PM

Damn, I was trying to come up with a Kanye West joke. Skitz created something much funnier.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at July 7, 2009 4:18 PM

I've tried ordering the Big Bopper Combo before, but the waitress always ends up dropping it before she makes it to the table...

Posted by: Skitz at July 7, 2009 4:20 PM

If you go to the Denny's website and read their Rock Star Menu, it's actually funnier than anything written here. You can practically taste the desperation. I can tell you right now that I am never eating anything that Good Charlotte tries to sell me, especially if it comes in a burrito.

Posted by: Snath at July 7, 2009 4:24 PM

The Pat Boone: White bread and white American cheese served with white milk. The "Metal" version comes with low-fat butter.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at July 7, 2009 4:25 PM

Great, now I'm starving. And I'm pissed off at Prisco for forcing me to think of Katy Perry whenever I fondly recall my beloved Meat Lover's Skillet. Damn you sir. Damn you and the funeral elephant you rode in on.

Posted by: Kolby at July 7, 2009 4:26 PM

One time, after the bar, some friends and I ordered Limp Bizkits & Gravy. We ended up getting in a fight in the parking lot with a bunch of douchebags who had placed a to-go order of the world-famous Sausage Linkin Park Platter.

Ah, the things you do when you're drunk and dumb...

Posted by: Skitz at July 7, 2009 4:26 PM

Whatever you do, don't order the GG Allin Early Riser - the cook just shits on the plate and screams at you until you tearfully eat it...

Posted by: Skitz at July 7, 2009 4:34 PM

Now I want both biscuits and gravy and sausage links. Damn it.

Best biscuits and gravy I have ever eaten were at Cravings, the buffet at the Mirage in Las Vegas. Damn those were good.

Posted by: Snath at July 7, 2009 4:35 PM

"I've tried ordering the Big Bopper Combo before, but the waitress always ends up dropping it before she makes it to the table..."
- Skitz.

I know, the same thing keeps happening with the Buddy Holly Special and the Richie Valens Omlette.

Posted by: kyle at July 7, 2009 4:36 PM

The Paul Anka: The waitress serves a sunnyside up egg with a blood spot on it, while "Having my baby" plays softly in the background.

Posted by: BWeaves at July 7, 2009 4:37 PM

The Jakob Dylan: Scrambled eggs with light butter and salt. Good when you're younger, boring when you grow up, and your parents will only eat it with you because they remember that the chicken who laid the eggs used to taste so good.

Posted by: Jim Doggie at July 7, 2009 4:37 PM

KISS; A 9 inch long beef tongue served on an oddly shaped black plate. A glass of tomato juice is served half splashed over the entree. Comes with a side of candy corn and a BIC lighter. Half way through the meal, the plate disappers and the meal reinvents itself. You still pay too much for it.

Posted by: slower lower at July 7, 2009 4:37 PM

the Tom Waites:

A scrumptious hot fudge-brownie sundae made with an espresso brownie, dense home-made mexican vanilla ice cream, caramel-infused hot fudge, toasted almond flakes and whipped cream so fresh you have to slap it. All topped off with cold, burned motor oil, rusted metal flakes, rancid crab meat and a cherry (gotta have the cherry).

The hipsters will praise it for being "unique" and "an acquired taste" and will tell you just don't "get it" while forcing it down their throats and trying not to vomit.

Posted by: cmr at July 7, 2009 4:47 PM

The waitress keeps dropping the Lynard Skynard combo, too. But she just scrapes most of it back onto the plate and serving it anyway. The people who order it eat it anyway, but can somehow remember how it tasted before it got dropped...even though most of them never ate it before.

Posted by: Jim Doggie at July 7, 2009 4:48 PM

The Left Eye
A baleada served super special, with beans, sour cream, cheese, eggs, hot sauce, and whatever fresh roadkill they can find outside.

Posted by: Snath at July 7, 2009 4:49 PM

GG Allin Early Riser - the cook just shits on the plate and screams at you until you tearfully eat it...

That's already on the Menu at Denny's. In fact, I think it's the only thing they serve, aside from crippling depression at 4 AM on a weekday. But I usually order that to go. Along with some Mescaline, if they have any (they do).

Posted by: annoyingmouse at July 7, 2009 4:58 PM

Ok, so I took Snath's advice and went to the Denny's website to see for myself. Two things:
1. Incredibly sad.
2. Sum 41 has a greatest hits album??? That's the funniest thing about the whole ordeal!

Posted by: Chiggy at July 7, 2009 5:08 PM

The AC/DC

Allegedly the hottest dish you've ever eaten-maybe at one point it was (you were 12), but now it's just reheated and a kind of stale.

Oh, everyone in the place yells when you order it. OY!

Posted by: Mrcreosote at July 7, 2009 5:12 PM

This thread is quickly moving up my favorites list. This is Skitz's perfect storm of pork products and musical groups.

I've tried ordering the Big Bopper Combo before, but the waitress always ends up dropping it before she makes it to the table

You can't make an omelette without killing several music stars in a fiery plane crash.

Posted by: branded at July 7, 2009 5:14 PM

So help me, I had the Hooburrito(Hoobastank, though I thought I was getting something from Dr. Suess) last weekend. It was good, though I was drunk. It was big and fried and all that.

Posted by: pissant at July 7, 2009 5:15 PM

BTW, Cindy:

I loved the John Mayer! Perfect!

Posted by: cmr at July 7, 2009 5:19 PM

The Black Eyed Peas
An unopened can of Black Eyed Peas. Plus, if you order the Fergie too...they take away the can and ask you to leave.

Posted by: annoyingmouse at July 7, 2009 5:22 PM

Now all I can think of is the Grinch faking his conversion as part of a plot to fold all the Whoo's in Whooville into a Whooburrito. Then he and Gargamel can exchange cooking tips.

Posted by: Mrcreosote at July 7, 2009 5:30 PM

The Beatles Burger was awesome until they took out two of the main ingredients.

Posted by: Skitz at July 7, 2009 5:41 PM

The Cyprus Hill Hashbrownies are also pretty damed tasty,
although as soon as you're done, you want to order another...

Posted by: Skitz at July 7, 2009 5:43 PM

Now all that's left in the Beatles Burger is a bun and the veggies. Strange thing is, I know people who would still eat that as a meal.

Posted by: Jim Doggie at July 7, 2009 5:48 PM

The Ted Nugent

Free-range reality show players are released into the dining room. You are given a bow, Rambo knife, and Stratocaster. You eat what you can kill and cook over the course of one endless rock anthem.

Posted by: BierceAmbrose at July 7, 2009 5:50 PM

The Rhianna Rancheros: Take the Aaliyah, add lots of garnish and hot sauce, and serve with pulp-free grapefruit juice. Egg Beaters available as substitute on request only.

Posted by: Jim Doggie at July 7, 2009 5:57 PM

I heard Dustin usually goes with the Eggs Benfoldsfivedict...

...

Yeah, that one was a fucking stretch. The Kanye one was pretty funny though...

Posted by: Skitz at July 7, 2009 5:57 PM

Teh Kid Rock - Greatest Hits

Waffles served with two heaping mounds of whipped cream, a silicone implant omelet, and beer-batter stogies. With a cuff upside the head from the waitress on the side.

Posted by: BierceAmbrose at July 7, 2009 5:58 PM

The waitress serves a sunnyside up egg with a blood spot on it, while "Having my baby" plays softly in the background.

HOW did I just keep the beer in my mouth? HOW??

Posted by: Jay at July 7, 2009 6:05 PM

This is eerie. I was just at Denny's last night (it's the only place in my town open past midnight on a Monday) and my friends and I were laughing at the lame bands and even lamer menu item names they had listed.

The Kanye Western Omelette is killing me. Nice one, Skitz.

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at July 7, 2009 6:06 PM

But let me state that there is NOTHING wrong with Denny's. If they're hard up then that's because Americans are fools. Hell yeah I would've rather had a Denny's to hang out in rather than a Waffle House in high school, but there's friggin only ONE around here, and it wasn't even close by! Made me a bit wistful for south Florida it did.

Posted by: Jay at July 7, 2009 6:10 PM

The Fatboy Slim Fat Stack: 13 pancakes, none of which are made of pancake batter. Everything from eggs to asphalt, bacon to fiberglass. A favorite of drunken Londoners, ecstasy freaks, and Spike Jonze.

Posted by: Jim Doggie at July 7, 2009 6:10 PM

Skitz Your Bjorkfast Burrito actually made me choke with laughter. I got afraid for the ticker for a second. Feathers. Oh God.

It's kind of pathetic, but this whole thread is making me hungry.

Posted by: Snuggiepants the Deathbringer at July 7, 2009 6:11 PM

The R.E.M.: Straight up sausage and cheese omelette, the taste of which makes my girlfriend's father want to jam knitting needles into his eyes.
I don't think we'll be eating much breakfast together.

Posted by: Jim Doggie at July 7, 2009 6:19 PM

Snath, I've had the Metallica steak at Denny's but I've never paid a dime for it.

Posted by: laredo at July 7, 2009 6:29 PM

I also like the Beastie Boysenberry Pancakes: A short stack of 3 kosher flapjacks smothered with a tangy aged berry syrup, but don't forget the side order of hot link sausage; they bring it out a few minutes ahead of the hotcakes and it's sometimes the spiciest part of the meal, and it's made from SCRATCH!

Posted by: laredo at July 7, 2009 6:38 PM

The Britney Spears

Out-of-date Spam, covered in spray can cheese, and served with a side of pork skins on a petri dish, but not before being dropped a couple of times on the bathroom floor.

Posted by: The Pink Hulk at July 7, 2009 7:09 PM

Skitz is on a glorious roll.

Well done.

Posted by: Heathen at July 7, 2009 7:17 PM

They Might Be Breakfast: Liver and onions; liver sauteed in extra virgin olive oil with scallions and diced carrots. Serve by itself or with potatoes o'brien drizzled with lemon juice.
You might like it, but most people don't even eat it on pure principle.

Posted by: Jim Doggie at July 7, 2009 7:21 PM

Take BACK what you said about John & John, Mr. Doggie! You take that back right now!

Posted by: Jay at July 7, 2009 8:09 PM

Stay away from the Chris Brown low-cholesterol Egg Beaters.

Posted by: superEdna at July 7, 2009 8:12 PM

Lady Gaga

A lukewarm bowl of flavorless, watery oatmeal on which floats a little boat with a kooky pink umbrella with feathers sticking out of it and a little man holding a teacup and showing a nipple. Tastes like shit, but doesn't it look ADORABLE and QUIRKY?!

*
I shouldn't read this thread while hungry.

Posted by: figgy at July 7, 2009 8:49 PM

The Britney: Just a hot mess on your plate.

Posted by: Cindy at July 7, 2009 9:35 PM

The Miley Cyrus Scramble : Two eggs scrambled with bacon, country-fried wombat, and smothered with manufactured cheese. Served undercooked with a side of mullet*.

*Mullet non-negotiable.

Posted by: calypso at July 7, 2009 9:35 PM

The Britney HAS to involve Cheetos and a frappucino, y'all.

Posted by: Snuggiepants the Deathbringer at July 7, 2009 10:08 PM

I think what you meant by that Weezer one is that they add a slight dose of rat poison with each new piece of toast until you're dead or they run out of french toast.

Posted by: ChristianH at July 7, 2009 10:26 PM

Jonas Brothers
Banana pancakes, no nuts. They’ve been serving this for years, only before it was called N’Sync, The Backstreet Boys, Hanson, The Osmonds …

As much as you may be tempted...do not compare the Hansons to the other groups mentioned! They're completely different! And still making decent albums.

Also, I have a slightly different idea of what the Katy Perrywould be:
Looks like a pink frosted cupcake top, but is really only a mound of tasteless pink frosting covered in twelve dozen star and smiley face sprinkles

Posted by: Annie_Reckson at July 7, 2009 11:29 PM

The Offspring
Just a western omelet served with hash browns. It tastes good, but you get filled with this overwhelming sense of disbelief that they’re still serving this late. It’s like 4 a.m.; seriously, there’s still an audience for this stuff?

I used to like you, Prisco. A Denver omelet is a fine meal; screw your disdain.

Posted by: Che Grovera at July 8, 2009 12:21 AM

Jay:
Don't be hurt, mon. I really like TMBG. It's just that they're such an acquired taste and most people write them off immediately as "that Istanbul band" without giving them a decent chance.
I've never tried liver and onions, but if prepared and presented in just the right way, it may click with me, and I'd like it in other variations.

Posted by: Jim Doggie at July 8, 2009 12:31 AM

Um, the Mariahstrone Soup? Your basic tomato-based minestrone but all the alphabet noodles are vowels.

I'm not so good at this one...but I am pleased to see that Skitz has some more free time on his hands lately! It can only result in pure delight.

Posted by: replica at July 8, 2009 1:26 AM

this is one of the best threads that i've read all year. definitely the funniest. well done all around.

Posted by: gem at July 8, 2009 10:35 AM

I spat coffee onmto nmy keyboard. Nmow my nm keys stick together.

Posted by: Cletus at July 8, 2009 3:42 PM

WOOF!

Posted by: bubblegumshoe at July 8, 2009 7:02 PM

Ian - the image of you eating mayo out of a jar just made me throw up. I'd rather listen to Nickelback than even watch you do that.

Posted by: esme at July 8, 2009 9:22 PM

I hate that you made me google the headline, and then find out it's from Family Guy.

Posted by: John Darc at July 9, 2009 1:31 AM

The U2
Single serve of old, long-dead horse meat, flayed within an inch of existence.

Posted by: Alayna at July 9, 2009 11:49 AM

CMR is my new leader. You have articulated a foodstuff that I have been unable to describe for years. By the way, does that Tom Waites Brownie come "smoked?"

Posted by: gunnertec at July 9, 2009 3:11 PM

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Posted by: nikkibabes at July 16, 2009 2:22 AM