To All You Child-Haters Who Left The Lights Off On Halloween, Here Are Your 15 Pop Culture Spirit Animals
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To All You Child-Haters Who Left The Lights Off On Halloween, Here Are Your 15 Pop Culture Spirit Animals

By Joanna Robinson | Seriously Random Lists | October 31, 2013 | Comments ()

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Admit it, some of you bah humbug your way through Halloween. Some of you cower in your homes, lights off, candy bowl empty and ignore the joyous knocking of young children. Some of you have a lump of coal where your heart should be. That’s okay, child haters, you’re in good company. Here are you 15 pop cultural spirit animals so you won’t feel so alone. Um, there’s a warning we give here at Pajiba. A Halloween-specific warning. Well, consider yourselves warned, folks. Here be nightmares.

Any Given Wicked Stepmother: Of all the options, this is by far the sexiest.

Dr. Alan Grant — Jurassic Park: Of course, this was before someone turned the gates off in the rain. Once you’ve been through the sh*t with someone, you tend to bond.

Carl — Up: See the aforementioned “through the sh*t” bonding.

Like, 90% Of The Adults In A Dickens Novel: Did you know Tom Hardy played Bill Sykes? Now you do.

Mr. Wilson — Dennis The Menace: No one on earth can blame him.
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Dolores Umbridge — Harry Potter: Hem.

Ms. Hannigan — Annie: Some of my favorite lyrics in musical history: “Some day I’ll step on their freckles/Some night I’ll straighten their curls”
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Ms. Trunchbull — Matilda: Like Dickens before him, Roald Dahl had a thing for adults who hate children. This one’s my fav: “They’re all mistakes, children! Filthy, nasty things. Glad I never was one.”

Principal Snyder — Buffy The Vampire Slayer: You can’t argue with his Flutie-based logic here.

The Baroness — The Sound Of Music: I was one at a sing-along screening of The Sound Of Music at the Castro theater in San Francisco. When The Baroness first showed up, someone in front of me trilled out “LOVE HER!” I’ve felt the same ever since. Basically an evil stepmother for the modern era.
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Vicky — The Parent Trap: Basically a Baroness for the American era.

Captain Vidal — Pan’s Labyrinth: This goes a bit far. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t like anything.

Mombie — Return To Oz: To be fair, this mostly applies to comely young ladies.

That Evil Ponce — Three Men And A Little Lady: Why he ever thought he could compete with Tom Selleck in his mustachioed prime is beyond me.
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The Child Catcher — Chitty Chitty Bang Bang: Nightmare fuel. A twisted take on Peter Piper.


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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • "Ms. Hannigan — Annie: Some of my favorite lyrics in musical history: “Some day I’ll step on their freckles/Some night I’ll straighten their curls”

    I know I'm late to this one. But I sing this in the bathtub. (sigh) You make my twisted heart innards as toasty as the inside of a jack-o-lantern.

  • Bea Pants

    I had tickets to Evil Dead:The the splatter section. Sorry kids, but Casa Pants is locked up for the night.

  • **I AM** NotTheOne

    "...but he was eaten"

    Brilliant. And soon to be worked into so many of my conversations.

  • John W

    Hey Snyder, you were eaten too. Just sayin...

  • emmalita

    True, but by a giant snake dragon monster, as opposed to a pack of hyena possessed teens. Ewwwww.

  • Bonnie

    Not even kidding, my twins went as Alan Grant and Ellie Sattler for Halloween this year. The universe did not implode from the irony.

  • anikitty

    My whole city hates children apparently. Halloween was cancelled.

  • BlackRabbit

    Something I always wondered-after they arrested Mombi, what did they do with her....accessories?

  • AvaLehra

    Ms. Trunchbull: She will shot put your ass.

  • BWeaves

    I love the Baroness in The Sound of Music. I'm really bummed that they cut out all her songs for the movie version. I love her songs.

  • emmalita

    I didn't know she had songs. Now I must find them.

  • BWeaves

    They're on the Broadway cast LP from 1959, with Mary Martin and Theodore Bikel. It's on DVD, but I also have the original record.

    Funny story. The original album cover has this on the bottom:

    "This is a brand new stereophonic recording. We guarantee it will not become obsolete in the future."

    When I bought the DVD many years later, the cover was exactly the same, except it was missing those two sentences.

  • emmalita

    Oh, optimism.

  • I used to be sympathetic to the hiders, but my thinking has evolved, not due to going through a shit-ton of strife together with aforementioned bonding, but because I just have to reflect for a moment on the world these kids are growing up into, and I'm helpless to do anything less than offer them the simple pleasures of youth as fully as possible.

  • Target_Blonde

    Ha! I posted something on Facebook last night asking when it was safe to turn the living room lights back on and I used the hashtag "HalloweenBahHumbug".

  • bastich

    I'll admit to being a Halloween Scrooge, but at least I don't hand out mean letters to overweight kids instead of candy:

  • emmalita

    That is not ok.

  • Bert_McGurt

    Well if Flutie didn't want to be eaten, he shouldn't have been so delicious:

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Mombi = Bavmorda from Willow, so there's a twofer for ya.

  • Jim

    Please don't pick on Carl - you've all see the first 20min and cried... each and every one of you.

    We have an apt in a 4 floor walk-up and, despite there being 16 apts, I guess the "leg work to candy" ratio was likely too high. Zip, nada.

  • zeke_the_pig

    THERE'S NO POINT PUTTING THE WARNING A MERE MILLIMETRE ABOVE THAT DAMN CLOWN! What do you think I'm scrolling with, a snail-mouse?!
    Bah, next year I'm dressing up as Pennywise and hiding in the bushes outside Monica Bellucc-... my house. My house.

  • Bandit

    Halloween as a big event is slowly trickling into Blighty. I'm not on board with the idea of random kids coming to my house and asking for sweets...since when is this acceptable?

  • Sara_Tonin00

    ...since the turn of the previous century?

  • emmalita

    Last Halloween I saw a sign in the neighborhood that said, "no costume, no candy."

  • Muhnah_Muhnah

    Why oh why does everyone feel obliged to post pictures of clowns and spiders? They're not scary, they're fucking terrifying! There should be laws against this.

  • bastich

    You mean like this? (mua-ha-ha-ha-ha)

  • emmalita

    You've been spending too much time with Maguita. But I suspect it was a natural inclination nourished rather than a total leading astray.

  • Maguita NYC

    You got that right! I didn't make him mean, it was already in him, I just activated the mean gene!

  • bastich

    You are my Yoda of disturbing pics.

  • Maguita NYC

    Right you are.

  • Uriah_Creep

    Whatever that thing is, put it into a rocket and send it into the sun. After killing it with acid and fire.

  • Maguita NYC

    Yeah well, acid and fire have obviously been performed, but she refuses to get on that rocket and head to the sun. She prefers it here, in your nightmares.

  • Uriah_Creep

    I'll just have to get my mind off "her" by watching something relaxing like, say, The Exorcist. Damn...

  • Maguita NYC

    Halloween is over. Rest assured "She" went back into her box until next year... Or until one doll-fearing Pajiban misbehaves.

  • Uriah_Creep

    Fine, my boy and I will behave.

  • Uriah_Creep

    In all fairness, that last evil picture probably came from the Maguita Image Gallery.®

  • emmalita

    Be careful about hacking into that database. There are things in there you can't unsee.

  • Uriah_Creep

    You're telling me! After staring at that collection, I had to seek therapy. The lady likes to come off all innocent-like, but she's secretely EE-VIL. I suspect she could give TK a run for his money.

  • Maguita NYC

    moi?... I'm harmless...

  • emmalita

    I can hear you mwahhahaing from here.

  • Maguita NYC

    I am the voices in your head.

  • I know, I know... It's a great performance... But... IT sucks. It fucking sucks. Its a pretty terrible made for television flick that gets so much more play than it should based on the performance alone.

    No. I don't have anything constructive to say, but... I hate the movie. It sucks.

  • Jiffylush

    I read both IT and The Stand and then watched their respective TV versions. The Stand was extremely cheesy but I really liked it, I have a soft spot for anything starting the Max Headroom guy. IT just wasn't right. I am not even sure you get a good idea of what the book is about I am glad it didn't involve any space turtles (spoiler alert) but just wasn't well done or cohesive at all. Yes Tim Curry was great, but I think I can safely say that Tim Curry is pretty much always great. I think for IT to be scary you would have had to watch it as a small child and/or already be terrified of clowns.

  • Target_Blonde

    The Stand was my first Stephen King book and I've watched and re-watched the movie version a billion times. Every time I re-read the book I cannot unsee Rob Lowe as Nick or the guy from Coach as Tom Cullen. M-O-O-N, that spells awesome 90's TV movie.

  • Welldressed

    "Do it, Harold, DO IT!!"
    Thus began my love for Laura San Giacomo and women with a shock of incongruous white hair.

  • Jiffylush

    Never ever watch Ken Park for many reasons but most specifically for the guy from Coach.

  • Robert

    I music directed Annie for the first time this summer. I walked away from the first week of rehearsals hating the show for its smear campaign against that poor woman Miss Hannigan.

  • Cree83

    This is our first Halloween in our very own new house. I forgot to get candy, but I wasn't worried because my neighbors said they never get trick or treaters in this neighborhood. All the kids go to some Halloween festivities in nearby Old Town instead. At 4 o'clock in the afternoon, like 10 kids all knocked on my door as a group, and I had to be like, "OOPS, sorry. Come back later." So then I had to wake the baby up from a nap (sacrilege!) run to the store to get candy - about 30 FULL size bars, mind you - and run back home. The whole time, I was delighted that my neighbors were mistaken about the lack of trick or treaters, because I like kids. I waited ALL night, and those kids never came back, and nobody else came either. Anybody wants candy, I've got plenty to go around.

  • TK

    You're good people.

    I took my kid trick or treating for the first time. He's only 18 months, so didn't have a lot of stamina, but he seemed to have a lot of fun. We went out early, so that we could hurry home in time to hand out candy to the other kids on the street.

    I don't much like people, or even other kids, but damn it, Halloween is but once a year and the little buggers love it so. I can thaw my heart for one night.

    Plus, I've got a fuckton of leftover Reese's Cups, which I think is the universe's way of telling me I did alright.

  • Jim

    Word likely got out your place was an "Oh, come back LATER" dead-spot on the candy continuum.

    Next year, decorate the front door and you'll probably have better luck.

  • L.O.V.E.

    Matilda! Amazingly, it may actually rival Taxi, Throw Momma, Cheers and It's Always Sunny (among others) as DeVito's finest work as a despicable human being. The man plays scumbag so well.

    (also, there was a good two years that I could keep the daughter in line by threatening to put her in the "chokey").

  • apsutter

    He's great as the scumbag dad but his voice is also so sweet and endearing as the narrator.

  • Aaron Schulz

    I did give out candy but if i can be Grant from JP or Carl from Up? Ill go on a kick rampage at a nursery.

  • Ben

    We had a bowl full of candy and the lights on and no one showed up, so then me and my missus ate a big bowl of fun sized chocolates.
    Australian Halloween is awesome.

  • emmalita

    I love kids. But the day got away from me and there was NO candy. So we cowered in the dark. THE SHAME! the shame.....

  • ZbornakSyndrome

    I could have traded with you. I had three bags of candy and no trick or treaters this year. I started to feel like the witch from Hansel and Gretel: all the candy in the world and no kids.

  • L.O.V.E.

    A pox on your house, succubus!

  • emmalita

    Dammit, my cover is blown!

  • He didn't play your song backwards, so you should still be free to marry Chef.

  • emmalita

    Pfft! I don't want to marry Chef, I want to dine on his soul with a nice remoulade.

  • What if he manages to play the best song in the world?

  • emmalita

    I'm probably going to go after L.O.V.E.'s soul first anyway, since he outed me. So Chef can go back to the cafeteria and I'll check in later to see if he can do better than Tenacious D.

  • If you're going to go after're going to need about tree fiddy. On the plus side, I don't think he can manage the best song in the world. At best, it'd just be a tribute.

  • Babs

    Oh MY GOD! Pennywise AND the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang...I shall never sleep again. DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU straight to HELL madame!

  • Kala

    Yes, I leave the lights off and pretend I'm not home. I'm hoping to upgrade to a place that comes equipped with a fire moat next year.

  • ecwagner

    I stopped turning on the light, not because of the little kids, but the ones that look like they belong in college - some without costume. To deny them candy is to invite the "Trick" (not really just for Halloween, but the entire year following). For every small child, you get 15 of the big ones. I do the community Trunk or Treat thing...the big "kids" are too ashamed to come out in the light. I wanted a Moat, but the wife won't let me put one in.

  • **I AM** NotTheOne

    When the trick-or-treaters are driving to your house? It may be time for them to hang it up.

  • emmalita

    I did open the door to one trick-or-treater, a man who looked like he was about 20. I opened the door, he said "trick-or-treat." I said, "No." "Need any tree work done?" "No"

  • Kala

    Ah, yes. Feeling like home and hearth is at stake when you get a Trick or Treater who looks like they're old enough to have a fake I.D. I want to tell them to bugger off, but they know where I LIVE now, dammit. So I swallow my pride, hand them a few fun-sized Butterfingers, and hope for their eventual removal from society.

    Holidays have made me one spiteful son-of-a-bitch.

  • JenVegas

    We just moved into a new co-op complex and Halloween here is HUGE. I was ill prepared even though I thought I over prepared and by the time the bigger kids started hitting us up we were down to giving away the candy MY kid had gotten that none of us liked. So thhppppttt surly teenagers who can't be bothered to put on a costume even though they're going to ask for candy. You get nothing but off-brand tootsie rolls and Life Saver MINTS.

  • I agree. It's called a Fortress of Solitude for a reason, damnit.

  • foolsage

    I agree with all you posted, with one tiny exception: the sexiest wicked stepmother is Regina Mills.

  • Barry

    Lana Parrilla is one of a handful of human beings who look even more astounding in full HD. Jennifer Morrison couldn't even pull that one off.

  • apsutter

    She is gorgeous but so is Susan!

  • foolsage

    No arguments there.

  • DooMm

    Do you want to find a partner who will exceed your expectations? Try___richfriends.com___the largest place for meeting successful or attractive singles for relationships. Give it a shot and good luck! ^_^

  • bastich

    Does anyone have downvotes that I could borrow for this schmuck?

  • emmalita

    C'mon bastich. I can tell from the emoticon at the end that this is not a spammer but someone who is genuinely concerned that foolsage's partner and friends are too poor, unattractive, unsuccessful, and probably too low-class for him.

  • Yes, but aren't we all?

  • foolsage

    Sigh. It's terribly difficult being so wonderful. Even spambots know my pain. :(


  • emmalita

    We all are, but only Doo had the courage to bring it up and suggest a solution.

  • The costume department for OUAT has a grand time showing off Lana Parilla's decolletage on a near weekly basis. It's like an obsession with them.

  • As obsessions go, can we agree this one has co-benefits?

  • foolsage
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