To All You Child-Haters Who Left The Lights Off On Halloween, Here Are Your 15 Pop Culture Spirit Animals
Admit it, some of you bah humbug your way through Halloween. Some of you cower in your homes, lights off, candy bowl empty and ignore the joyous knocking of young children. Some of you have a lump of coal where your heart should be. That’s okay, child haters, you’re in good company. Here are you 15 pop cultural spirit animals so you won’t feel so alone. Um, there’s a warning we give here at Pajiba. A Halloween-specific warning. Well, consider yourselves warned, folks. Here be nightmares.
Any Given Wicked Stepmother: Of all the options, this is by far the sexiest.
Dr. Alan Grant — Jurassic Park: Of course, this was before someone turned the gates off in the rain. Once you’ve been through the sh*t with someone, you tend to bond.
Carl — Up: See the aforementioned “through the sh*t” bonding.
Like, 90% Of The Adults In A Dickens Novel: Did you know Tom Hardy played Bill Sykes? Now you do.
Mr. Wilson — Dennis The Menace: No one on earth can blame him.
Dolores Umbridge — Harry Potter: Hem.
Ms. Hannigan — Annie: Some of my favorite lyrics in musical history: “Some day I’ll step on their freckles/Some night I’ll straighten their curls”
Ms. Trunchbull — Matilda: Like Dickens before him, Roald Dahl had a thing for adults who hate children. This one’s my fav: “They’re all mistakes, children! Filthy, nasty things. Glad I never was one.”
Principal Snyder — Buffy The Vampire Slayer: You can’t argue with his Flutie-based logic here.
The Baroness — The Sound Of Music: I was one at a sing-along screening of The Sound Of Music at the Castro theater in San Francisco. When The Baroness first showed up, someone in front of me trilled out “LOVE HER!” I’ve felt the same ever since. Basically an evil stepmother for the modern era.
Vicky — The Parent Trap: Basically a Baroness for the American era.
Captain Vidal — Pan’s Labyrinth: This goes a bit far. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t like anything.
Mombie — Return To Oz: To be fair, this mostly applies to comely young ladies.
That Evil Ponce — Three Men And A Little Lady: Why he ever thought he could compete with Tom Selleck in his mustachioed prime is beyond me.
The Child Catcher — Chitty Chitty Bang Bang: Nightmare fuel. A twisted take on Peter Piper.
Pennywise — It: WARNING WARNING WARNING.