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This Christmas I Want An Ice Pick To The Ear Drum

By | Posted Under Seriously Random Lists | Comments (76)

Killer Santa.jpg

I despise Christmas music. So much so that when I came upstairs yesterday and found that my daughters had turned the TV to The Fireplace Channel with it’s canned elevator Christmas Carol Muzak I actually told them that, if I ever found that channel on my television again, they would receive a sound thrashing. I wasn’t always this way and did enjoy the musical offerings that the holiday season had but only in reasonable doses. Then came the time in my life when I got my first, second and third jobs. As I’m sure anybody who has worked in the hospitality or retail industry will be able to tell you, Christmas is an especially heinous time of year to be a part of either or both of those professions. Many people are anything but kind and understanding as they’re racking up debt in an effort to find that perfect gift for someone special. They’re most definitely not patient while you toil away to make their (and the other one hundred people in the store or restaurant) dining or shopping experience as pleasant as possible. They most certainly could give a robust expulsion of noxious gasses in the cold winter wind whether you’re having a hell of a day or need to close quickly so you can visit your dying grandmother in the hospital. No, for a season of giving, people can be remarkably selfish.

But what really makes retail and hospitality the sixteenth circle of hell for those doomed to work them through the holidays is the fucking Christmas music. There’s nothing quite like being aurally tortured for six to twelve hours a day by the various screechings of whatever mis-mash of religious, pop and guilt inducing Christmas songs that any particular employer willfully subjects their labour force to. It’s an inescapable, repetitive and wholly inhumane method of breaking a human being and should be internationally banned by UN resolution and some sort of convention. There is no escape. You’re a captive audience with no choice but to lock some small part of you away in the corner of your mind in the hopes that you can retrieve it again when it’s all over. The hours and hours I’ve spent directly under a speaker blaring the most insidious of nutty yule logs into my ears still awakens me in the middle of the night crying for the release of a ruptured ear drum. So for all of those people who are working in a retail store or restaurant this holiday season, we’re all going to share a little bit of your pain. These are by no means all of the worst or necessarily the worst but it’s as far as I got before I started hallucinating that Santa was trying to touch me. Again.



Mary’s Boy Child - Boney M



So this is Christmas - Celine Dion


Mariah Carey - All I want for Christmas is You


Jeff Dunham - Jingle bombs
(2:30 to avoid the asshattery and you’re welcome Pissboy)


Fucking anything Jingle Cats/Dogs


Fucking Mini Pops


Bieber Serenading YOUR President
Vive le revolution!


Alvin and the Chipmunks


BandAid


Vanessa Hudgens - Winter Wonderland









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Comments

Mariah Carey's Christmas album is one of the greatest, you shut your blasphemous mouth.

Posted by: Nonanonymous at December 13, 2010 8:13 PM

I love Christmas music! I've been listening to Mariah Carey's "O Holy Night" on a loop for a few days now, and sometime in there I tried out a gospel radio station. Mmmm, Christmasey. (and Santa only knows I also enjoy the song "Christmasey" by Brian Wilson.

Posted by: SaBrina at December 13, 2010 8:15 PM

Posted by: Robert at December 13, 2010 8:16 PM

"Last Christmas," especially the Ashley Tisdale version. I hear that EVERYWHERE, and it makes me stabby.

I worked retail for only one Christmas season, but it was in a drug store, which meant that roughly 25% of the seasonal merchandise jingled, Ho-ho-ho'd, or sang carols if activated. And they were all activated by customers, all the damn time. If possible, that was more annoying than the songs.

Posted by: Edith at December 13, 2010 8:16 PM

NONANONYMOUS CAN WE BE FRIENDS

Posted by: SaBrina at December 13, 2010 8:16 PM

Wow, I spoke to soon. A quick perusing of youtube shows that the version of "Last Christmas" that I really hate was apparently sung by Taylor Swift. Though it was also sung, equally annoyingly, by Ashley Tisdale. AND by Hilary Duff. This song is Christmas music chlamydia. It is everywhere, and it must be stopped.

Posted by: Edith at December 13, 2010 8:21 PM

It's Christmas time in Hollis Queens. Mom's cooking chicken and collard greens.

Posted by: Eep at December 13, 2010 8:24 PM

Having a daughter who dances fairly seriously has subjected me to four solid months of the entire score to the Nutcracker for the past six years. I know every fucking note, as well as every dancer's cue. The classical versions are tolerable, but I have to leave the building if they start playing some tarded up version of The Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy. It is also used endlessly in commercials. Oh, and that fucking red shoes shit can kiss my fat ass, too.

Posted by: slower lower at December 13, 2010 8:25 PM

Last Christmas by Mariah Carey is MY F*CKING JAM, admin. I'll give you the rest of these. But that one, is GOLDEN.

Posted by: coveredinbees at December 13, 2010 8:27 PM

You know, I actually said 'FUCK YOU RUDOLPH' outloud at work today, after the 15th time they played that mothercfucking song. Luckily there was no one around to hear me but holy FUCK.

I HATE THAT FUCKING SONG.

Posted by: figgy at December 13, 2010 8:28 PM

I just went back to work in retail at a big-box craft store. Not only are we listening to it, they're the SAME SONGS on a LOOP. If you work a 4 hour shift, you hear the same songs at least once, by the same people, as well as the same song done by 3 other people in three other styles/genres.

I got a stomach flu from somebody at work, and one of the worst parts about it was that while I was so sick, 'Baby, It's Cold Outside' was stuck in my head and I couldn't get it out!

Hate. Hate. Hate.

Posted by: Jami at December 13, 2010 8:29 PM

My personal favorite Xmas album is Herniated Jingle Balls by John Valby (AKA Dr. Dirty.) I can't be the only fan hereabouts, right?

Posted by: BierceAmbrose at December 13, 2010 8:30 PM

Holy shit. Haven't thought about John Valby since I saw him live in college. Can I get a chorus of Barnacle Bill to go, please?

Posted by: slower lower at December 13, 2010 8:34 PM

The solution to your problem is a daily dose of Santa Baby, by Eartha Kitt.

Posted by: The Mutt at December 13, 2010 8:46 PM

I worked in retail during the holiday season twice.
The first time was at a Montgomery Wards; the second was three years later at a bookstore in the same mall.
While the first experience took a serious toll on my sanity, I was working along-side my high school/college buddy and his girlfriend (both, my roommates at the time), so there was a mutual support system (plus copious amounts of alcohol after closing-time).
I didn't have that the second time around, and something inside me broke.
I haven't been right in the head since.

I can only listen to the instrumental tracks on the Charlie Brown Christmas CD anymore, without experiencing a psychotic break.
Anything else in repetition, and it's Michael Myers come home for the holidays...

Posted by: Rykker at December 13, 2010 8:46 PM

Way back when Disney World opened (1971 or so) my buddy got a job there. He said there were people who had to work at the "It's a Small World" attraction. Multi-hour loop of one song.

When they were on break, they were easily annoyed.

Posted by: Pat C. at December 13, 2010 8:46 PM

tolerable xmas music: brian setzer "dig that crazy christmas," royal crown revue's "don't be a grinch," and trans-siberian orchestra's christmas trilogy (first and last are best, middle one's okay). also notable are twisted sister's "twisted christmas" and the dio-produced "wish you a metal christmas" (if only for his "god rest..." and dug pinnick singing "little drummer boy"). and if you are wondering who dug pinnick is, do a fucking google search and learn about good fucking music.

Posted by: lennychuck at December 13, 2010 8:48 PM

'Email Santa'. That's really all I have to say. Go ahead and youtube it, just be warned: it is possibly the worst song ever written, and will get stuck in your head.

Posted by: that girl with the hair at December 13, 2010 8:52 PM

I can understand how you'd get sick of hearing the same holiday music over and over while working in retail. However, very few retail establishments are going to play the good music, and there is actually some good music out there.

First off, Vince Guaraldi's A Charlie Brown Christmas is beyond reproach. Beyond reproach, I tell you.

While we're on the kiddie fare, the music from Emmet Otter's Jug-Band Christmas is also unimpeachable. Unimpeachable, I tell you.

I'm probably in a holiday-music-defending mood because this past weekend I attended Aimee Mann's annual holiday concert. I defy anyone to go into that show and still come out a scrooge. It's a variety show, and they inject just the right amount of cynicism and "bah, humbug" for the season to make you come full circle and actually enjoy it. Check out Michael Penn's and Jon Brion's "Christmastime" (performed by Aimee and Michael in the end credits of Paul Thomas Anderson's Sydney / Hard Eight), which also appears on Aimee's Christmas album One More Drifter In The Snow, and tell me that holiday music doesn't still have some worthwhile mileage and soul left.

For raw, blazingly impressive instrumentation, check out Bela Fleck's album Jingle All The Way from a couple years back.

And, yeah, I love Tchaikovsky's Nutcracker (the good classical renditions and not the popular bastardizations).

Posted by: DarthCorleone at December 13, 2010 8:53 PM

I... I fucking hate Christmas music. I've been in retail for 7 ungodly years now. I started at Kmart, where the x-mas music started early November & continued into January. From there, I went to Kohl's, where at least they gave us a little bit of sanity & only played x-mas tunes every other song. Now I'm at Target. I thought I'd be free of the hell since it's silent in there. Little did I know that they blare it nonstop in the back room & office. It started November 1st. Now I'm forced to spend all of my time on the floor. There is no hiding. And it's all terrible x-mas music. I haven't even heard the one song I can almost stomach, which is "Christmas Wrapping" by the Waitresses. Also... you want to know the fucked up part? Any of these places that I've worked at... if I tried to state how much I hated x-mas music, I was treated like a leper. Even management who practically lived in the store stated "Oh, I LOOOOOOVE it!" Perhaps they just finally snapped.

Posted by: Neonlexicon at December 13, 2010 8:53 PM

Christmas Shoes.
*sigh*
Christmas Shoes.

Posted by: Jim Doggie at December 13, 2010 9:24 PM

Here in Denver there is a station that plays Christmas music 24/7 from about mid-Nov until New Years. Many bad ones - but the worst is :
Christmas Shoes by New Song. I'll let Patton tell you why:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iq10bz3PxyY

Posted by: devo at December 13, 2010 9:29 PM

@Pat C.

I can't swear this is true, because I never worked rides, but when I worked at Disney/MGM, I was told by many Disneyworld employees that if you had a job you liked, you could work it as long as you wanted. EXCEPT the Small World ride. Those ride operators were required to rotate out to other gigs because the song would drive them insane.

Where I worked, we had to hear the Indiana Jones theme pretty much non-stop all day.

Bless you, John Williams, for writing such a great piece of music. Otherwise, I'd be a basket case today.

Posted by: The Mutt at December 13, 2010 9:37 PM

And in his hand... he held... a pair of shoooooes.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at December 13, 2010 9:39 PM

Do you all actually like WHAM!'s Last Christmas?

Is that why no one ever brings it up?


Posted by: Some Guy at December 13, 2010 9:43 PM

Hearing "Wonderful Christmas Time" by Paul McCartney is worse than getting eating by sharks while dying from the ebola virus. Fact.

Posted by: Stupid Velociraptors at December 13, 2010 10:27 PM

Ray Charles's Xmas album is the best. His version of Rudolph is the only one anyone should ever hear.

Posted by: xoxoxe at December 13, 2010 10:29 PM

See, my holiday music of hate is actually... Halloween. I no longer work in retail, and actually have PTO the whole month of December this year, so I can avoid it all. However, I work at an amusement park, and Halloween is the last of our busy season. And how many Halloween songs are there? NOT MANY. YOU spend 15 hours every Saturday in October, listening to 'Flying Purple People Eater' or Rammstein's 'Du Hast' every 30-ish minutes.

DU HAST ISN'T EVEN HALLOWEEN.

Posted by: Gabs at December 13, 2010 10:32 PM

"It's The Most Wonderful Time of the Year" may singlehandedly keep me from losing my mind with finals. Andy Williams is a classy guy. (Although I've never heard a scary ghost story this time of year. Fuck you, Dickens.)
So is Dean Martin. And Sinatra. Their stuff's excellent this time of year.
You ever hear "The 12 Pains Of Christmas"? That one's good.
The Grinch Song? THAT SHIT IS AWESOME.

Posted by: Parker Jammstein at December 13, 2010 10:38 PM

I think that the only thing worse than being subjected to that music during the season is being a professional musician during the holidays and being forced to play it for money when you'd prefer to be playing anything but.

Posted by: Jerry at December 13, 2010 11:01 PM

Damn you, Robert Scott, DAMN YOU! Now I must begin my recovery anew. Thanks alot, bucko!

I thought I had successfully blocked it all out. Aside from occasional disturbing flashbacks while Christmas shopping, I had recovered from my musak trauma. I really had, I...oh, god! Who am I kidding? I'm scarred for life.

I'll just be over here in the corner rocking back and forth and moaning piteously.

Posted by: noodlestein at December 13, 2010 11:15 PM

Trans-Siberian Orchestra is the only Christmas music worth listening to. I mean the covers, not the original sappy b.s. they throw in there.

Posted by: Kris at December 13, 2010 11:17 PM

Back in the 90's I worked at a retail department store. Our store was the "pilot" store for the new Xmas displays management dreamed up and we had to have the store ready for the holidays by October 15, I shit you not. Nearly 2 1/2 months of non-stop elevator-ized Xmas standards, over and over and over again. I was forced to disable the speakers in my little spot of hell; it quickly became "the place to be" among my suffering coworkers.

Posted by: Dr Remulak at December 13, 2010 11:39 PM

Some Guy, WHAM!'s "Last Christmas" is a symphonic tour-de-force, a transcendent meditation on the glory of the season, compared to Taylor's, or Ashlee's, or Hilary's. Badness is relative.

And Stupid Velociraptors, truer words were never spoken. That song is wretched.

Here's a palate cleanser: The Pogues, "Fairytale of New York." You're welcome.

Posted by: Edith at December 13, 2010 11:55 PM

'25th December' by Everything But the Girl is bleak, depressing, and kinda pretty.

Posted by: HopeHope at December 14, 2010 12:30 AM

The ONLY Christmas music I can ever really enjoy/stand is the old timers like Sinatra and Dean Martin etc. I can throw that on for just background music while im' decorating my place or something.

Posted by: MergedLoki at December 14, 2010 1:18 AM

what about the best one in a good way.
Present Face by Garfunkel and Oates!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yMWTs0YT928

Posted by: Arib at December 14, 2010 1:35 AM

My Godopus! THOSE FUCKIN' CHIPMUNKS!!! They need to be put in the squirrel-a-pult and shot off this damn planet! I heard it in a store the other day and had to leave immediately. So much horrible crap music! UGH!!!
I am with Eap though, Christmas in Hollis is the jam!

Posted by: trixie at December 14, 2010 1:35 AM

If you are sick of the Nutcracker, go find the Ellington version. You will thank me. For making that out of the most overplayed classical music I can think of, the Duke did us all a solid.

Posted by: Anne (in Reno) at December 14, 2010 1:59 AM

Preach it.

South Park was wrong. It is awesome to be a Jew on Christmas. Marketers don't take the Dreidel Song (fun when you're a kid, kind of annoying as an adult) and play it at you over and over again in an attempt to make you buy stuff.

Posted by: cinderkeys at December 14, 2010 2:44 AM

Posted by: cinderkeys at December 14, 2010 2:46 AM

i have the good fortune of having two jobs at the moment. BUT...one is in a hotel restaurant and the other is at a large department store (starts with m and ends with acys). the hotel isn't that bad, plus i'm not there all that much. BUT, that store!!...let me put it this way: when you prefer clay aiken to beyonce and jessica simpson is better than the two of them put together, well it's probably a good thing i don't own an ice pick or a gun.

Posted by: maxpurr9 at December 14, 2010 3:22 AM

As someone who worked in retail when I was younger, I feel your pain. It's crappy enough to be working twice as hard when everyone else is taking time off, but then you have to deal with all the misery on top of that. It's grim.

That said, there is some decent Christmas music out there. So in the spirit of giving, help yourself to some YouTube links:

The Hives & Cyndi Lauper - A Christmas Duel

Stevie Wonder - What Christmas Means to Me

The Ramones - Merry Christmas ( I Don't Want To Fight Tonight )

Louis Armstrong - Cool Yule

Joni Mitchell - River

And as DarthCorleone has already mentioned, Aimee Mann's One More Drifter in the Snow is excellent.

Posted by: Simon at December 14, 2010 5:28 AM

Incidentally, these 2 are legendary Christmas songs in the UK, but I'm not sure they were hits in the US. Do you know them over there?

Slade - Merry Xmas Everybody

Wizzard - I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday

They are great songs, but they do get played A LOT.

Posted by: Simon at December 14, 2010 5:31 AM

The classic version of "The 12 Days of Christmas" is a truly heinous abomination. It just goes on and on and on leading me to think it is playing forever in Hell. The Chipmunks Christmas song is a special form of torture. I usually have to leave the room when it comes on. I have noticed that there is no Christmas music playing today in my office, and I am thankful. I like Christmas music, but I like MY Christmas music. Some of it is pretty good, though. Especially non traditional stuff. But it's not Christmas without The Carpenters-Christmas Portrait, either.

GOOD SONGS
Fuel - We Three Kings
The Ramones - Merry Christmas (I don't want to fight)
Tenacious D - Shit I Want
The Pogues - Christmas in New York
The Matches - December is for Cynics
The Killers (w/ Elton John & Neil Tennant) - Joseph (Better You Than Me)
South Park - Merry Fuckin' Christmas
No Doubt - Oi to the World
Mavis Staples - Christmas Vacation

Posted by: TylerDFC at December 14, 2010 7:01 AM

I dont care for Christmas music so much, but some songs never lose their charm regardless of how much they are played out over the holiday season.

Well, actually, I can think of only two.

Feliz Navidad by Jose Feliciano and Happy Christmas by John Lennon. Funny they have the same name but in different languages.

Posted by: Muteki at December 14, 2010 7:06 AM

I like Jesu's new christmas song, other than that it can all eat a dick.

Posted by: Steph at December 14, 2010 7:06 AM

You know what Christmas music prepares you for?

Being a parent.

Because no matter what your intentions...thinking you can expose your precious little bundle to awesome music will NOT be a complete success. It just won't.

And if you think endless loops of Frosty the Snowman and The Little Drummer Boy are bad, wait till it's your own personal hell of The Wheels on the Bus and The Green Grass Grows All Around. To which you will be expected to sing along.

You will wake up at night and find yourself humming the damn things.

Posted by: Wednesday at December 14, 2010 7:41 AM

"I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" is the whiniest, brattiest, cutesiest Xmas song ever. Every time I hear it I suppress the urge to bellow out "THAT'S CAUSE YO MAMA'S A BIG FAT HO!" And then I go drink some more. It's all about suppressing those urges, I tell ya. The sacrifices I make for society.

Posted by: cinekat at December 14, 2010 7:46 AM

Fairytale of New York .... Any Christmas song that has the lines, "old slut on junk" is okay with me....seriously, though, I defy anyone not to tear up a little when Shane sings to Christy McCall (RIP):
"I kept them with my own.
Can't make it all alone.
I built my dreams around you...."

life is beautiful....

Posted by: ktess at December 14, 2010 8:07 AM

I suppress the urge to bellow out "THAT'S CAUSE YO MAMA'S A BIG FAT HO!" And then I go drink some more.

Haha!
But I find my own capacity for suppression is inversely proportional to my level of intoxication.
I am one bellowy motherfucker when in hostile environs (cutsie Christmas carol cacophony counts*), and drunk off my ass.

*alliteration alleviates all ascribed ailments

Posted by: Rykker at December 14, 2010 8:38 AM

How can you have a thread on Xmas songs and not give any love to Fairytale of New York?

Posted by: csb at December 14, 2010 9:04 AM

Thanks sooooo much for the favor Robert.

...fucking Jeff Dunham.

I would torture this guy to a slow death, in front of his children, on Christmas Eve and then tell them there is no such thing as Santa Claus.

Jeff Dunham is about as funny as throat cancer. I want to dress him up as a baby seal and beat him with an aluminum bat.

Posted by: PissBoy at December 14, 2010 9:10 AM

and as far a GOOD Xmas songs...

Julian Casablancas covering "Christmas in the USA"

Preferred version....live with Jimmy Fallon, Horation Sanz, and the Roots on Late night w/ Jimmy Fallon. That shit rocks.

Posted by: PissBoy at December 14, 2010 9:16 AM

Actually, I like the BandAid song, and hate almost all other Christmas songs. Which is kind of weird, since that's the one that says "You should feel really fucking guilty right now."

Posted by: Todd at December 14, 2010 9:48 AM

I swear by 'Fairytale of New York.' Always have and always will. I remember when I was checking out groceries in the market and the song came up, and the cashier actually rolled her eyes heavenward and said "Thank Christ."

Posted by: Aislinn at December 14, 2010 9:51 AM

A couple of good ones:

I Want an Alien for Christmas - Fountains of Wayne

Christmas (Baby please come home) - Darlene Love
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UV8x7H3DD8Y


Rosie Thomas - Why Can't It Be Christmastime All Year
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UYtR-a356Mg

Posted by: mswas at December 14, 2010 10:17 AM

csb, did you actually READ the thread? Because it was mentioned three times before your post.

Posted by: Edith at December 14, 2010 10:20 AM

Bob and Doug McKenzie's version of the 12 days of christmas ranks up there with the best, too.

"On the first day of Christmas, my true-love gave to me: A Beer. In a tree."

Posted by: Some Guy at December 14, 2010 10:23 AM

Am I the only person who loathes that stupid Dan Fogelberg song about the old lovers that run into each other on Christmas Eve in the grocery store. Sweet baby Jesus, I hate that fucking song.

Posted by: Kristen at December 14, 2010 10:37 AM

I´m a reasonable guy, but christmas music fills my belly with the kind of smoldering hate that can only be vanquished by the blood of a thousand jolly christmas elves.

Posted by: The Mudshark at December 14, 2010 10:42 AM

Dear Robert,

Thank you thank you thank you!!!! I totally support your sentiments of Christmas music making me want to put a ice pick into my own ear!!! Call me grinch.. I don't really give a fuck... You try listening to "This Christmas" every 3 hours for 10 hours a day.. or Jessica Simpson sing... well anything....or 20 million version of SANTA BABY, OR CHRISTINA A OVERSING A NAT KING COLE CLASSIC..OR OR OR... **SCREAMING*** ::wishing I could have a mind erasure right about now::

*clears throat*.. Ok... but seriously? I worked retail for years, and despise ALL Christmas music...and fuck you very much music labels for making your artist continually put out that crap!!

Posted by: NGG at December 14, 2010 10:59 AM

After only a few weeks working in retail, I now hate the song "This Christmas."

The first time I heard it, it wasn't so bad. I don't know who's version it was, but I think it was a man. Then I heard it again during the same shift, this time sung by a woman. "Okay," I thought. "A bit repetitious, but at least it's a different version."

It's the different versions that kill you. There's the white guy version. The white woman version. The soulful black woman version. The soulful black man version. I told my wife about all of the covers, and she joked, "is there a children's choir version?"

I laughed.

And then the next day, they played a version with a children's choir in the chorus.

Why does this relatively modern, mediocre holiday song warrant so many covers? WHY?!

Posted by: Wonkey The Monkey at December 14, 2010 11:03 AM

All through my teens and into my early 20's I worked at a supermarket in New Hampshire. This chain had one Christmas CD during the holidays set on a loop, so that during any given shift I would hear "Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time" 3-4 times. That song causes me actual stress when it comes on. Even with this level of ear-fuckery though I still really, really love most Christmas music.

Posted by: RyanH at December 14, 2010 11:20 AM

Hearing "Wonderful Christmas Time" by Paul McCartney is worse than getting eating by sharks while dying from the ebola virus. Fact.

Posted by: Stupid Velociraptors at December 13, 2010 10:27 PM

This post is perfect. That song is absolutely atrocious and overplayed in any retail location with the speakers available to blast it at us.

The Christmas Shoes has to be one of the stupidest things I've ever heard. I didn't even know it was supposed to be a Christmas song until a friend pointed out its horrors to me. Boy was he right. Everyone responsible for this song should be fired into the fucking sun.

Posted by: lubeg at December 14, 2010 11:22 AM

Holy GOD - I went and intentionally sought our "Christmas Shoes" just because I couldn't recall ever hearing it. WOW, that is clearly the worst song ever written. I want to stab everyone now.

Posted by: Edith at December 14, 2010 11:30 AM

See... all you retail workers or former retail workers understand how truly soul wrenching and completely cruel Christmas music for retail workers.... Wonkey the Monkey... the fact they continue to remake SO MANY FREAKING versions of the same damn song... show how completely souless the music labels are...in the words of Flava Flav...Don't Believe the Hype...Now I cant get these fucking songs out of my head....

*runs and squats in a corner singing the Jessica Simpson version of "White Christmas" to herself as she rocks back and forth crying"

Posted by: NGG at December 14, 2010 11:33 AM

"Last Christmas" is a godawful song, regardless of who's singing it. Not only is it mediocre, but it's an attention whore carol. Newsflash: nobody gives a fuck about your sob story, asshole. Everybody gets dumped. Suck it up and shut up about it.

Just in general, I dislike the cutesy holiday songs. For decent, enjoyable Christmas music, I've been listening to the local classical music station (in the car to and from work). Lots of Haydn, Handel, Bach, etc., and choirs full of people who actually sing. No Celine Dion or Christina Aguilera or Mariah Carey screeching. It's nice.

Posted by: Slash at December 14, 2010 12:38 PM

I usually join in the chorus of Christmas song hate, I mean, even Toddler Mom is feeling a little exhausted by the same old songs this year, and she is like the queen of Christmas.

That said, I have a soft spot for the Sarah Mclachlan and Barenaked Ladies version of "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen". Something about the sincerity and simplicity of the arrangement and the way they harmonize so seamlessly, and Mclachlan and sing my grocery list and make it sound...dreamy and enchanting.

So...there. My no-complaining Christmas goal remains intact. Have a happy.

Posted by: toddler dad at December 14, 2010 1:35 PM

What, no love for the "Podsafe Christmas song" by Jonathan Coulton (I think)? I know it was a couple of years ago, but still...

Also, check out "Fabian" by Tripod. All about nasal mutations in reindeer caused by cost-cutting measures by the elves. Actually, check out the entire Tripod Christmas album, also including such hits as "The Homophobic Christmas Tree".

Posted by: YeahButNoBut at December 14, 2010 3:59 PM

Seriously. Fuck the 1980s.

Posted by: grizzle at December 14, 2010 5:55 PM

toddler dad, I love that song too, it's a fun version of a classic (and kinda boring, really) song.

The classics from Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra, Bing Crosby will never get old for me. And am I the only person who loves Rockin Around the Christmas Tree? Perhaps it comes from too many Home Alone viewings, and I'm alright with that.

And Jon Bon Jovi's Please Come Home For Christmas. Shut up.

Posted by: Even Stevens at December 14, 2010 8:05 PM

Simon,
I live in Chicago and I've never heard either song. Like the Slade one, though.

R.I.P. Top of the Pops.

Posted by: jean at December 14, 2010 10:30 PM

My goal this year is to get through the season without hearing Wonderful Christmas Time, a song that immediately makes me grind my teeth in rage.

My Christmas music ritual is to play the Phil Spector Christmas album in its entirety while wrestling with the tree lights. It somehow makes it all better.

That, and Joe Tex's I'll Make Every Day Christmas (for my Woman).

Posted by: masonwasp at December 15, 2010 9:29 AM

"You scumbag you maggot, you cheap lousy faggot. Happy Christmas your arse I pray god its our last."

Posted by: Ken Hart at December 15, 2010 10:07 PM

It is a wonderful platform to interact and engage with people.

Posted by: Tanja at December 28, 2010 9:03 PM