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The Ten Worst Television Theme Songs of All Time

A Seriously Random List LXIII / Dustin Rowles

Seriously Random Lists | March 6, 2009 | Comments (150)

One of our very first Guides here was the TV Whore’s list of the greatest television theme songs of all time, a beautiful piece (although he did miss one of my favorites: “The Fall Guy” theme song). Today, we offer up the ten worst television theme songs of all time — positively foul, ear-punishing, synth-heavy, musical cyanide. For our younger readers, it’s 80s heavy (because the 80s were the worst decade of all time for television theme songs), so many of you who came to age in the late 90s were blessedly saved from many of these 30-second shots of ear Drano. Now you can share in a misery you may have missed otherwise (and note, some of the newer shows rank higher, simply because they should’ve known better, not being a product of the 80s and all).

Enjoy!

10. The Love Boat

9. MacGyver

8. L.A. Law

7. Eight is Enough

6. CHIPS

5. Frasier

4. My Secret Identity

3. Blossom

2. Mr. Belvedere

1. Buffy the Vampire Slayer









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Comments

What, no "Friends"?

Posted by: twig at March 6, 2009 2:02 PM

I KNOW YOU DIDN'T JUST SAY THAT ABOUT MACGRUBER MACGYVER!

What is wrong with that theme? I get it in my head sometimes for no reason. It pumps me up for some brainy zany action. Mulletastic!

Posted by: Snath at March 6, 2009 2:05 PM

Buffy the worst ever? For reals? I like the "Buffy" theme song. It's catchy and reminds me of the awesomeness that was Buffy.

This is just yet another attempt for good ole DR to try to rattled the cages of the Whedonites. How terribly predictable.

As for the others, I don't remember them and I'm at work so all the links are block, so I have no comment.

Posted by: Forbiddendonut at March 6, 2009 2:05 PM

Hee.

How about Charles in Charge?

Hmm?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FTtUggiqqBs

Though Ted and the Worthless Peons make it AWESOME.

And yeah, what the FUCK does the Frasier song even MEAN?

I loved the theme song for Friends, twig :x. But I grew up with that show, so I might be biased.

Posted by: figgy at March 6, 2009 2:08 PM

I always hated the Night Court theme song. I only watched half the shows on this list (3,5,6,7,10) but I'll be damned if I can even remember the themes from any of them, except for maybe The Love Boat.

Posted by: elsie at March 6, 2009 2:09 PM

What? No Gilligan's Island? No Brady Bunch? No Patridge Family? No Welcome Back Kotter? No Jeffersons? No All In The Family? (You haven't lived until you've heard Jean Stapleton attempt to screech/sing.) No Maud?

Best theme music? The Rockford Files and Hawaii 5-0.

Posted by: BWeaves (from a different IP address) at March 6, 2009 2:09 PM

DUSTIN!! Haven't you ever heard The L Word theme song? Way way worse than Buffy.

Posted by: Julie at March 6, 2009 2:09 PM

Cheers

Posted by: Adam C at March 6, 2009 2:09 PM

MacGyver, his theme song, and his bright white sneakers are my hero. You might as well stab me in the heart, Dustin.

Posted by: stardust savant at March 6, 2009 2:11 PM

The Love Boat? How is it possible? The tacky, lounge-lizard sensibility fits the show perfectly. I'm not sure there's ever been another show with as perfect a theme song. I'm not saying it's good, I'm just saying it's truth in advertising.

Best evah? Hill Street Blues. I still tear up a little when I hear it.

Posted by: rikkitikkitavi at March 6, 2009 2:12 PM

I don't understand the Frasier theme hate.

And CHiPs may be bad, but it's CLASSIC bad.

Posted by: Eep at March 6, 2009 2:12 PM

Um, don't you mean these are all the best theme songs of all time? How is this list different from Seth's list?

Posted by: qualler at March 6, 2009 2:12 PM

Tossed salad and scrambled eggs, you guys! You don't need to be Frasier to see the Freudian innuendo.

Posted by: Sweetie Dahling at March 6, 2009 2:14 PM

figgy,

I actually don't have that many problems with the song, but it does have that double bonus of being both a popular TV tune and a radio single for quite a while. Like 'That Thing You Do!' or that song from 'The Heights' that outlasted its show by a few months.

Nothing to tip a song from appreciation into violent hatred like hearing it 900000000 times on the radio.

Posted by: twig at March 6, 2009 2:16 PM

Adam C. you have made a powerful enemy this day.

May you forever walk into bars where nobody knows your name.

Posted by: JakesAlterEgo at March 6, 2009 2:17 PM

Okay. So, just pretending that you are not trying to rattle the cages of the Whedon fanboys: You're saying the Buffy the Vampire Slayer theme is worse than the song from the Love Boat? Seriously? Subtle.

Posted by: jason at March 6, 2009 2:20 PM

WHOA!!

the love boat?
eight is enough?

i get both of those songs stuck in my head at least once a month.
they bring me perverse but undeniable pleasure, like styx records, watching midgets fall out of mini-vans or ketchup flavoured chips.

definitely one of the worst was that corky fuck fest that had a family of special people belt out a beatles tune.

Posted by: celery at March 6, 2009 2:20 PM

While I agree that a lot of these songs are partly for networks going with the modern "creditsless" openings we now enjoy, there are some I did like. Buffy? Rockin'. "MacGuyber" - awesome mullet, so that wins..

Also I just think of Neil Patrick Harris doing the Doogie Howser theme on SNL a while back. Doogerrific!!

Posted by: Odnon at March 6, 2009 2:20 PM

Are you out of... Dammit, I... What the bleeding..

Dustin, we're breaking up.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at March 6, 2009 2:21 PM

You take that back you horrible demented man. The Buffy theme is the awesomest theme song ever. My friends and I on occasion would hold Buffy-thons in which we blasted through a season in a weekend, and for every single episode we would hold the cats' heads and paws and make them headbang to Nerfherder along with us. The Buffy theme gets 30 out of 30 superstars, so you take back your callous disregard for all that is worthy in the world. What are you? Deficient?

Posted by: stipe42 at March 6, 2009 2:22 PM

Also, a little known fact: CHiPS was originally to be called California Highway Motorcycle Patrol. Or, "CHiMPS"..

And I think the Frasier theme is about tossed salads and scrambled eggs. I think..

Posted by: Odnon at March 6, 2009 2:23 PM

SHENANIGANS. There is no way "Frasier" is worse than "Step by Step," "Facts of Life," the intro to "Wheel of Fortune," "Three's Company" (DEAR GOD), or "The Nanny" (STAB STAB STAB).

Plus, "CHIPS" is kind of magical in its awfulness, much like international superstar Erik Estrada.

Posted by: Tammy at March 6, 2009 2:23 PM

Let me get this straight: The theme for "90210" makes the greatest list, and "Buffy" gets number one on the worst?

Are you freebasing Pledge?

Posted by: bev rage at March 6, 2009 2:24 PM

Okay, there are two glaring exceptions from that list that cannot be ignored.

One is the theme song to "Enterprise" the most recent terrible Star Trek series. Total cheese fest.

The other is "Walker: Texas Ranger." Pure genius. And performed by none other than Chuck Norris.

When either song comes on, the remote becomes my mic, and away we go.

".....Cuz the eyes of the Ranger are upon you. Any wrong you do he's gonna see. When you're in Texas look behind you."

Why, you ask?

"Cuz that's where the Rangers gonna be."

Posted by: Emily at March 6, 2009 2:29 PM

Hehe, absolutely, twig. As a SONG it was catchy and happy and oh man the clapping bit, but it wasn't offensive. After 90 thousands listens though...hoo boy it got old. But it wasn't a horrible song like the Love Boat one.

And I never watched Love Boat, it's the first time I've seen the opening bit and...what the fuck was that show about? Some horrible dressed people...on a boat? the fuck?

And...holy shit, that's REALLY the Buffy song? It sounds like the soundtrack for a horrible 80s fighting videogame. FATALITY!

Seriously, that's hideous.

Posted by: figgy at March 6, 2009 2:30 PM

Actually, now that I think of it tossed salads and scrambled eggs always sounded more than a little euphemistic to me...

Posted by: Odnon at March 6, 2009 2:31 PM

Ooooooooo.. the theme song to "Enterprise". Truly execrable. "I have poo.. in my buuuum!"

Posted by: Odnon at March 6, 2009 2:34 PM

Take that back about Mr. Belvedere! That's one of the best TV theme songs, up there with Growing Pains, Greatest American Hero, Thundercats, and Miami Vice!

Posted by: JH at March 6, 2009 2:34 PM

Considering that the spanish for 'eggs' is also a word for balls, I wouldn't put that past Kelsey Grammar, Odnon....

Posted by: figgy at March 6, 2009 2:35 PM

Oh, come on- the Buffy theme song is perfection. And if you're going to post a YouTube of it, at least post the real one, and not some fanmade crap that sounds like it was recorded underwater with a Fisher-Price "My First Microphone."

Posted by: Abe Froman at March 6, 2009 2:35 PM

The theme song to Enterprise for sure. Star Trek theme songs should NOT have lyrics. Curse you Diane Warren!

Also, Season 5 of The Wire. It sounded like Way Down in the Hole as arranged by the writers of the Law and Order theme song.

Posted by: wugirl at March 6, 2009 2:37 PM

Julie, I forgot about the L Word theme. Yes, it's awful, but really, the entire opening credits are garbage. Nothing but flashing lights and bright colors over that shitty music...it's the lesbian version of Speed Racer.

Posted by: Brie at March 6, 2009 2:37 PM

Perfect Strangers, Blargh.

bev, the theme from 90210 gets a pass because of the perfectly timed punches by Jason Priestly. Now that I've admitted that I think I will go roll around in the snow sans clothing as I enjoy punishing myself.

Posted by: admin at March 6, 2009 2:38 PM

Fuck that shit, I love the Frasier theme song. And Eddie.

Posted by: Cindy at March 6, 2009 2:41 PM

OF COURSE most of these are from the 1980's. There was a debt to pay for the awesomeness that was "Believe It Or Not". The scales always balance, man.

Posted by: ed newman at March 6, 2009 2:41 PM

Jeebus, the Whedonites will cry murder at anything. Hey, Dustin, next time say how the curtains in Buffy's house were ugly. You'll have 200 comments claiming the curtains were the BEST THING EVER OMG HOW DARE YOU.

Posted by: figgy at March 6, 2009 2:42 PM

...for a horrible 80s fighting videogame. FATALITY!

I like you figgy, I really do. But, Mortal Kombat was a video game from the 90's and ,the original, was bloody awesomness in a wooden box with a control stick and buttons. Now I am going to have to super punch you into a spiked pit. Nothing personal.

Posted by: admin at March 6, 2009 2:44 PM

The Nanny is the worst one ever....my mother loved that show and when that theme would come on, I'd go into a seizure and poop my pants just a little bit. Not enough to be embarassed, but enough to go change.

The best one is Hart to Hart....just for the voiceover....

Cause when dey met....it was MOIDER!!!!!!

And Dustin, the Love Boat song kicks ass...and I will stand for no Grant Goodeve bashing. The Eight is Enough theme song was a cultural touchstone.

Posted by: Rubble44 at March 6, 2009 2:45 PM

Oh. Well MK was the first thing I could think of, honest. Just substitute it for one of those really bad 100-in-one games that had like, a game of a foot that ran around and killed things.

Seriously, that was a real game.

Posted by: figgy at March 6, 2009 2:45 PM

What'choo talkin about BWeaves? I don't see anything wrong with any of those theme songs. I still sing the Jeffersons theme on a fairly regular basis. It's a classic!

But let's focus on the things we can agree on. I don't see anyone coming to the defense of Blossom or My Secret Identity, which was clearly going for a Greatest American Hero angle but failed miserably. Blossom is just plain god awful. How did humanity let that slip by? I do wonder though how this list would change if you closed your eyes and just listened to the song rather than let the abhorrent opening visuals taint your opinion. I don't think the Mr. Belvedere theme is that bad, but couple it with that opening and my skin crawls.

Posted by: katy at March 6, 2009 2:49 PM

Okay, I agree with the love for "Hill Street Blues." Very classy....still see the car screaming around the corner....
Actually, the whole "Greatest..." list pretty much rocks.

But, no "Family Affair"? No "My Three Sons?" Dude, I grew up on all those horrible re-runs. OH, speaking of Rerun.....NO "WHAT'S HAPPENIN'"?

Posted by: dammitjanet at March 6, 2009 2:51 PM

The entire time I was scrolling down the list, I was saying, "C'mon, "Mr. Belvedere" has to be in here." That is some wretched tripe. I also humbly submit the theme songs for "Family Ties" and "Family Matters." The eighties were, truly, where theme songs went to die.

In the more modern ages, the theme from "Grey's Anatomy" is nails on a chalkboard and I praise the heavens that they got rid of it halfway through S2. Unfortunately, the "Bones" theme song is still around, and that makes me want to pull out my own hair.

Posted by: Nicole at March 6, 2009 2:51 PM

All I want from the Frasier theme is a frakkin' explanation! What does it mean? Scrambled eggs? Tossed salads? Is this a prison tome?

Posted by: Ciji at March 6, 2009 2:52 PM

figgy : "Considering that the spanish for 'eggs' is also a word for balls" - and that's before we evern get to: "and maybe I seem a bit confused, but baby I got you pegged.

What were Frasier and Niles up to?

Posted by: Odnon at March 6, 2009 2:54 PM

Oooooh! Family Matters! That song (and show) made my brain bleed.

Posted by: admin at March 6, 2009 2:59 PM

March 6, 2009
3 p.m. Still no Watchmen review. Just lists and trailers. Need to check back later. Hurm.

Posted by: Rorschach at March 6, 2009 3:02 PM

i LOVE the buffy song. sorry. love it.

step by step had to be one of the worst.

Posted by: bree at March 6, 2009 3:03 PM

Any such list which does not have the theme from Enterprise at NUMBER ONE--much less not included at all--is not worth the pixels used to display it on my screen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-8OpsPok6iQ

Your current credibility is at zero point zero, Dustin.

Pfui.

Posted by: Jerce at March 6, 2009 3:04 PM

Nicole please get out of my brain. Unless you have Vicodin, then you can stay.

Posted by: admin at March 6, 2009 3:05 PM

This post has had me singing the lyrics to "Hey Dude" for the past half hour.

"Zippee kai yai yay, yippee kai yai WHAT? Like the cowboys say...."

Posted by: Julie at March 6, 2009 3:10 PM

Damn right, Jerce. The fact that it ISN'T on the list is almost as big an abomination as the theme itself.

And really, all this reinforces my theory that ALL truly great TV shows have truly great theme songs (e.g. Futurama, Doctor Who, The Office, South Park, Top Gear, just off the top of my head - of course, by "great" you could substitute "my favourite" and it would still work).

Posted by: dsbs at March 6, 2009 3:11 PM

dissing Nerf Herder? Really? Great theme song. Great.

We, uhm, disagree here.

Posted by: ponch at March 6, 2009 3:14 PM

What?!?! Where's the theme Song from "Small Wonder"?

Really dropped the ball on this one!

Posted by: Dono at March 6, 2009 3:14 PM

I am the God of all that is Television Theme Songs. I like to trap friends in my car on road trips, pop in one of my MANY compilation cds and go "Ok...guess which show this was...guess which show this was...guess which show this was..."

Which could explain why my friends so rarely call or come by anymore. But I digress...

The worst, in my opinion (and you take that shit back about The Love Boat! It promises something for everyone!), are:

1. Jennifer Slept Here. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gs1pfDpMrGE

2. Small Wonder. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ukSvjqwJixw

3. Full House. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q4G-i1WImoU

4. What's Happenin' Now. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x1jQc9YAH1Y&feature=related

5. The Monkees. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZWea5rB7XlY

Keep in mind, as craptastic as these are, I still feel great listening to them all.

Posted by: The Pink Hulk at March 6, 2009 3:16 PM

In the more modern ages, the theme from "Grey's Anatomy" is nails on a chalkboard

Try listening to it in an endless loop, while your drunken whore neighbor is passed out to it every. single. night.

She should not be surprised if she wakes up one morning with her tv resting uncomfortably up her ass.

PS: I love the Buffy Theme. Love it.

Posted by: Lainey at March 6, 2009 3:17 PM

You people are truly sadistic. After about 10 seconds of that "Enterprise" theme I started whimpering in pain. (Medic -- administer some Mozart, STAT!!) Wow, I'm glad I don't watch television.

Posted by: flickfan at March 6, 2009 3:19 PM

Seriously, even if you don't click on the other links, please God, do yourself a favor and watch the one for "Jennifer Slept Here." The lyrics are, to wit:

(Hello, it's me, and only you can see me)
I just saw the most beautiful ghost in the world
She slept here.
I just saw the most outrageous kind of a girl
She lives here.

Yeah. It's a show about a beautiful DEAD woman. I loved it.

Posted by: The Pink Hulk at March 6, 2009 3:20 PM

For pure cheesiness: Quantum Leap. It suffered from the great saxophone plague of the 80s.

Posted by: kelsy at March 6, 2009 3:23 PM

With the exception of Blossom, My Secret Identity and Frasier, this list is false.

Posted by: TL at March 6, 2009 3:24 PM

OK, it's taken me awhile, but I've finally remembered THE WORST THEME SONG OF ALL TIME. The buck stops here, folks:

The Banana Splits!

One banana, two banana, three banana, four
Four bananas make a bunch and so do many more.
Over hill and highway the banana buggies go
Coming on to bring you the Banana Splits show

Making up a mess of fun, Making up a mess of fun
Lots of fun for everyone

Tra la la, la la la la, tra la la, la la la la
Tra la la, la la la la, tra la la, la la la la

Posted by: BWeaves (from a different IP address) at March 6, 2009 3:29 PM

10. The Love Boat

You're just fucking wrong.

Posted by: Jay at March 6, 2009 3:37 PM

i can't believe that nobody agreed with me about "life goes on".

i hope it's because you were all spared the experience of hearing it.
even the touched kid looks unimpressed during the credits.

Posted by: celery at March 6, 2009 3:39 PM

"She loved here, laughed here and wept here. She slept here".

But don't skip on plugging Ann Jillian! Jeez!

Posted by: Jay at March 6, 2009 3:41 PM

Why not just make one of the 10 "every theme song Alan Thicke wrote"? I seem to remember he put out some stinkers.

Posted by: dawn at March 6, 2009 3:43 PM

BWeaves THE BANANA SPLITS???? Dude, when I was a kid they LIVED at Kings Island in Ohio and that made them AWESOME!!!! At least, I thought they lived there, cause we'd see them there every summer.

Damn, now that "tra la la" shit is gonna be stuck in my head all weekend....

And, celery, I just blew Golden Peach water out of my nose because of you....

Posted by: dammitjanet at March 6, 2009 3:46 PM

Oh, admin, honey, when will you learn? I ALWAYS have Vicodin. Hooray for drivers who run red lights and cause permanent spine and nerve damage! I make a limp look sexy.

Posted by: Nicole at March 6, 2009 3:47 PM

The Banana Splits! With the sped up film of insane people in furry suits capering around an amusement park? That is a Sid and Marty Kroft production you're running down-Fleegle, Bingo, Drooper and Snorky will haunt your dreams!!
I think Sid and Marty Kroft should own this list. H.R. Pufnstuf with the Magic Flute-that was pure distilled madness.

Posted by: MrCreosote at March 6, 2009 3:49 PM

@ Nicole

Rawr!

Posted by: admin at March 6, 2009 3:51 PM

Jay, I would seriously go straight for some Ann Jillian. I think the gays should bring her back.

Posted by: The Pink Hulk at March 6, 2009 3:52 PM

Hands down the worst theme song was for Firefly. That thing was bloody aweful.

Posted by: EricD at March 6, 2009 3:59 PM

EricD is just itchin for a fight round these here parts. Though I must agree, I was never a fan of the Firefly theme song either.

I always thought that the instrumental Angel theme was quite pretty.

Posted by: Julie at March 6, 2009 4:02 PM

Seriously? No one has my back in defending the Cheers theme from the likes of Adam C.? Really? I'm on my own?

For shame, Pajibans. For shame.

Posted by: JakesAlterEgo at March 6, 2009 4:16 PM

JakesAlterEgo,

I wasn't even going to dignify Adam C's slander with a response, since it is so ludicrous.

Posted by: Tammy at March 6, 2009 4:19 PM

I classify as a Whedonite, and I lurve and adore Firefly forever (what little there is of it), but EricD is right--the theme song is atrociously bad. Someone had to say it.

And the Buffy theme isn't exactly a standout either. Sorry, gurlz.

Posted by: Jerce at March 6, 2009 4:24 PM

I'm with you Jake, the Cheers song is classic.

The episode "Swarley" from How I Met Your Mother employed that song in a perfect perfect way.

Posted by: Julie at March 6, 2009 4:25 PM

There was a Frasier episode where he and a lady friend went away to a fancy pants resort or something for a vacation and she ended up ditching out on him right after they ordered tossed salads and scrambled eggs from room service to break their post-sexin' it up hunger. Then room service arrived and Frasier was left there looking at the food like, "OMG, what am I gonna do with all this zany, non-traditional breakfast food?" And the credit rolled and the crappy smooth jazz jingle started playing.

Posted by: Leigh Hacksaw at March 6, 2009 4:25 PM

There is no way on earth that the theme for "Buffy" is worse than anything that ever appeared on the TGIF lineup on ABC. Period.

Posted by: Melissa at March 6, 2009 4:30 PM

Dave Foley thought the theme to "Newsradio" was completely forgettable - he mentions this a couple of times on various "Newsradio" commentaries. Apparently there was a set of tongue-in-cheek lyrics Paul Simms wrote which explained where all the characters came from (answer: outer space).

Posted by: Cass at March 6, 2009 4:33 PM

Thanks Julie and Jerce. I thought I was going to be skinned for calling out the Firefly theme. I absolutely love that show, the last episode was one of the best things ever made for TV. But Jerce, come on, did you really have to link the theme to Enterpise?? You hurt me... someday I will learn to resist the urge to click links.

The Pink Hulk you are insane. The Monkees theme is classic goodnees.

Posted by: EricD at March 6, 2009 4:48 PM

how dare you say that about Blossom. Blasphemy!

Posted by: definitelymaebe at March 6, 2009 5:06 PM

BWeaves The Banana Splits? Tread carefully.... I loved that show. What's next? Dissing the theme from "H.R. Puff'n'Stuff"?

And thanks to Emily, I have that damn Enterprise song running through my brain now. Albeit with different, more appropriate lyrics: "I've got puke... in my throooaat.."

Posted by: Odnon at March 6, 2009 5:07 PM

Actually, my favorite is the one for It's Garry Shandling's Show on Showtime.

This is the theme to Garry's Show,
The theme to Garry's show.
Garry called me up and asked if I would right his theme song.
I'm almost halfway finished,
How do you like it so far,
How do you like the theme to Garry's Show.

This is the theme to Garry's Show,
The opening theme to Garry's show.
This is the music that you hear as you watch the credits.
We're almost to the part of where I start to whistle.
Then we'll watch "It's Garry Shandling's Show".

This was the theme to Garry Shandling's show.

Beeyoutiful.....

Posted by: Rubble44 at March 6, 2009 5:13 PM

OK, there was a mistake. Should say write instead of right his theme song. That was lazy on my part, just copying the lyrics from some obvious nitwit who can only spell phonetically.

Posted by: Rubble44 at March 6, 2009 5:14 PM

The Law & Order Theme (all of them) always sounded like a cheap bedroom recording, but not half as much as "Believe it or not":
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e9Q3orQhEcA

Posted by: Dave Shepherd at March 6, 2009 5:20 PM

LA Law rules. And I like the Buffy theme song, and I'm hardly a fan of the show.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at March 6, 2009 5:31 PM

Rowles, I'm kinda surprised no one mentioned "Queer eye for the Straight Guy" because you know with all the rampant rumors about you being you know, um, uh, you know?

Posted by: Pookie at March 6, 2009 5:36 PM

What? Dave Shepherd? My hackles are already raised because someone has the chutzpah to insult the Cheers theme, and then you go and bring Law and Order into this? I think your mom sounds like a cheap bedroom recording. I think your dog is ugly, too.

/throws an internet punch at you

Posted by: JakesAlterEgo at March 6, 2009 5:41 PM

There aren't nearly enough anime themes on this list. There is nothing more painful than listening to some Japanese dumbass blurt out a meaningless English phrase that they've bastardized over face crateringly awful music made by synthesizers operated by spider monkeys.

Here are some actual lyrics I've heard:

"G-O-O-D BYE"

"Heroes come back, 3, 2, 1, make some noise."

"WE ARE, WE ARE, ON THE CRUISE."

The music sticks in your head unlike any other music ever. It's intoxicating and sickening, I wouldn't wish it on anybody. But it was perfectly parodied in the South Park episode Good Times With Weapons. The song is called, Let's Fighting Love.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kefaT6cGmtE

Posted by: George at March 6, 2009 5:52 PM

Firefly. Yes, you are all right.

I always used to wonder to myself: How can I love a show with such a terrible theme song? A

Posted by: Emily at March 6, 2009 6:17 PM

In the best ever list, Seth forgot the "King of the Hill" theme. That one's always awesome.

Posted by: madmonk at March 6, 2009 6:20 PM

I have only one question: Where is Jem?
I find her lack of inclusion in this list truly outrageous.

Posted by: BiblioGeek at March 6, 2009 6:30 PM

Uh, Facts Of Life? Worst. Theme. Ever. It's a freakin' EARWORM of evil songitude.

For those of us in our forties, The Love Boat RULES. It's exciting and NEW...come aboard! We're expecting yoooooo...

Posted by: lil_a at March 6, 2009 6:33 PM

Gilmore Girls. It makes me feel embarrased for ever watching the show every time I here it.

Posted by: LwoodPDowd at March 6, 2009 7:02 PM

I can't be objective about the Buffy theme, because to me it means good things are coming. Like a dinner bell, but with the promise of quips and violence instead of steak.
However, I do recall being insanely pleased when they replaced the original cheesy 'one girl in all the world' voiceover guy with Tony Head's smooth tones. The original guy was just terrible!

Posted by: tarn at March 6, 2009 7:07 PM

When I was maybe 10 years old, the theme of my dance schools recital was "SHOW BIZ!", and all of the dances were to songs from movies, songs about movies or show biz, or TV theme songs...

My class totally danced to the theme from LA Law. I have never seen LA Law, but when I pushed play on that little youtube window, every note came back to me.

Why could we get to be the class that danced to the theme from FAME, or got to dance dressed up as the characters from Star Trek... ah well, its all history now.

Posted by: Carrie at March 6, 2009 7:12 PM

My friends and I always sing the Mr. Belvedere theme song as saying "Streaks on vaginas, never had it before... who cares?"

It always gets a laugh.

Posted by: Tanner at March 6, 2009 7:15 PM

Dudes, it's 6pm and still no Watchmen review. Lame.

I think you should have a rule that the most anticipated films are covered by East Coasters.

Posted by: Crystal at March 6, 2009 7:36 PM

What? The Frasier theme song is awesome! Yeah, it doesn't make sense, but that's the beauty of it. Like a good Dr. Seuss book or a glowing blue cock.

Posted by: kayla at March 6, 2009 7:43 PM

I'll Be There For You To Fellate Yourself? Seriously? The Love Boat theme is one of the pieces of music I invoke in times of trouble, in times of need! Pajiba, you are lucky that I graced you with the privilege of my Hulk Hogan bong. But how dare you disparage The Love Boat theme song? You don't even have the courtesy the give it the number one most grievous theme song; it's like an afterthought of horribleness. Kindly go stick the Married With Children pathetic attempt at relevancy up your collective tookus. And before some Goebbels ass, punctuation whore jumps on my shizz, I'd like to offer my biggest middle finger to that bitchy slut and my undying devotion to Tequila, Ketel One, and my Moms. I'm busy sticking my head in the oven over more serious matters.

Posted by: Lizardqueen at March 6, 2009 7:56 PM

Unless I've overlooked it, no one has mentioned the theme song to "Buck Rogers". The instrumental version featured throughout most of the series is bad enough but the version that is sung with lyrics in the pilot episode: PURE TORTURE. My husband won't stop watching that show on Hulu so I can't escape it. Painful, I tell you.

Posted by: prairiegirl at March 6, 2009 8:49 PM

Oooh the King of the Hill song is awesome. Makes me dance in my chair every time.

Yeeeeeeee-HAW!

Posted by: figgy at March 6, 2009 9:12 PM

How can you have a list like this and not include the theme from 'Psych?' That song makes 'Where in the World is Carmen San Diego' sound like 'Hey Jude.'

Posted by: ali at March 6, 2009 11:42 PM

Murder she wrote....awful!

Posted by: linka at March 6, 2009 11:57 PM

Late to this one and slow typing as my left index finger got caught in my fire gate, but does anyone else think of Chip & Dale when they listen to the MacGyver theme? Fits right in...just need those two little chipmunks to hand Mac a gum wrapper and a paper clip, then let Monterey Jack fly them out leaving that stupid fly to buzz in his ear until he makes an escape on a shoelace.

I need pain killers.

Posted by: KatSings at March 7, 2009 12:46 AM

Trust me to show up three hours late for an internet fight. Ummm.....oooooooffffffff!!![sound of teeth skittering across ceramic tiles]
...and the MASH theme is maudlin teen poetry set to elevator music . HA! Take THAT!
[boots jakesalterego in the internet nuts then runs away and hides in a cupboard]

And there I was thinking someone might leap to the defense of Greatest American Hero instead. I never could predict the attitudes on this site.

Posted by: Dave Shepherd at March 7, 2009 12:55 AM

MacGyver?!? Worst theme song?

How dare you sir! How dare you!!!

Posted by: Kelly at March 7, 2009 1:02 AM

Anyone remember the theme song to "Joanie Loves Chachi"? It was like getting your eardrum raped by Scott Baio. Actually, scratch that -- it was the exact same thing as getting your eardrum raped by Scott Baio. If you replaced the opening theme of JLC with any randomly selected two minute segment of Epic Disaster Teen Date Movie or whatever, it would actually make the movie WORSE. Yup, its that bad.

Posted by: Laughner at March 7, 2009 2:27 AM

and to go with Cheers into the cesspool of theme songs:

Friends
Hardcastle and McCormick
SWAT
The Patty Duke Show
and
He-Man and the Masters of the Universe

Posted by: Adam C at March 7, 2009 2:42 AM

Where is Three and Half Men on this list????

P.S. BtVS theme song rocked!

Posted by: returnofthesmith at March 7, 2009 3:27 AM

The Buffy theme song is awesome. I have no idea what you are talking about.

Posted by: Sara at March 7, 2009 4:06 AM

I'm not even a Buffy fan and I liked it's theme song. Most people I know would at least say it's not bad. Weird choice.

Posted by: ben (thpbt) at March 7, 2009 4:17 AM

You did not just trash on MacGyver, did you? For shame.

Posted by: piedlourde at March 7, 2009 5:49 AM

What's wrong with the Frasier themetune? Cheers is much worse. And to be honest, I think Buffy's theme goes pretty well with the show. Don't get that decision at all, I'm afraid.

Bad list. Try again.

Posted by: Grafty at March 7, 2009 6:45 AM

Anyone who would put "The Facts of Life" and "Murder She Wrote" as nominees for the worst deserves to get sodomized by something hard and sandpapery.

Those songs are fanfuckingtastic and make my ears happy each and every time I hear them.

True story: my ex had to give a best man speech at his brother's wedding and asked me to help him write it. I gave him the lyrics to "The Facts of Life" theme song and told him to deliver it with solemnity, in the style of Jesse Jackson. Killed.

Posted by: The Pink Hulk at March 7, 2009 7:49 AM

Yeah, I'm not getting some of this list either. Buffy is worse than Love Boat? No Nanny theme song, or Step by Step, or Family Matters, or (as others have pointed out) anything on the ABC TGIF lineup? You really think Buffy is worse than Blossom?
I'm not even a hardcore Whedonite and I call foul.

Posted by: Kelly O at March 7, 2009 8:59 AM

Someone has a major issue with synth. That's the only explanation for the list.

Posted by: Robert at March 7, 2009 9:06 AM

I have to throw "BJ and the Bear" into the mix.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mnkk6if64mk

Posted by: Booyah at March 7, 2009 9:23 AM

Posted by: Booyah at March 7, 2009 9:35 AM

Booyah indeed.

Booyah!

Posted by: Pookie at March 7, 2009 10:41 AM

Buffy is worse than Love Boat?

Is that a question?

Obviously. In all respects, theme song and beyond.

Posted by: Jay at March 7, 2009 12:43 PM

Adam C, I don't know who you think you are, but we are going to have serious issues if you continue to speak ill of The Patty Duke Show theme. They're identical cousins, see? They laugh alike, they walk alike, sometimes they even talk alike; you can lose your mind, you know. Which obviously you have, because that song is AWESOME!

And my stepdad actually has an identical cousin. So aside from being awesome, that song is full of TRUTH.

Posted by: tinmo at March 7, 2009 1:05 PM

The Buffy theme from the first season isn't good. But I really like the remade version from the 3rd season on (could have been the 2nd season when they changed it).

Posted by: Dave at March 7, 2009 2:14 PM

I'm with Julie, the L Word theme is god awful. I hate the show so much this season that the song makes me want to decapitate myself.
Watching the Blossom intro kind of makes me want to watch the show.
I think Doogie Howser should have been on this list. That was a terrible song, nothing but plinking along electric piano.
And I vote for Life Goes On. It was bad enough with a cheesy song, but hearing poor Corky singing in the background? Oh blah dee, indeed.

Posted by: Sharon at March 7, 2009 2:37 PM

When either song comes on, the remote becomes my mic, and away we go.

".....Cuz the eyes of the Ranger are upon you. Any wrong you do he's gonna see. When you're in Texas look behind you."

Why, you ask?

"Cuz that's where the Rangers gonna be."

Seriously, how can you *not* sing along to that song? It's classic!

Posted by: Emily at March 6, 2009 2:29 PM

Posted by: Catherine at March 7, 2009 3:04 PM

My alarm clock plays LA Law! It's super for getting up, cause you want to shut that sucker up before the strings set in.

Posted by: Adere at March 7, 2009 3:45 PM

Hello Larry was awesome!!!!!

Starring Meadowlark Lemon as Meadowlark. That always cracked me and my brother up. If it's Tony Danza and he's always called Tony, it's at least a reasonable name. Meadowlark?

Posted by: Rubble44 at March 7, 2009 4:21 PM

"Gilmore Girls. It makes me feel embarrased for ever watching the show every time I here it."
You're dissing Carole King? I'm sorry, but now you have to forfeit your ears until you promise to stop using them for evil.

"I'm not even a Buffy fan and I liked it's theme song. Most people I know would at least say it's not bad. Weird choice."

Dustin really likes to piss off the Whedonites. If Supernatural had an actual theme song, he would have put it on the list with a snide remark about Jared Padalecki, just so Stacey would have another aneurysm over on "Pajiba Love."

Dustin is a cruel mistress. I think we're breaking up. :(

Posted by: Craig at March 7, 2009 4:56 PM

What, no COPS?

Posted by: Agente Provocatrice at March 7, 2009 5:16 PM

Love the Big Bang Theory.

Hate the theme song.

Posted by: mswas at March 7, 2009 7:32 PM

Does anyone remember the theme to the Tony Danzastic Who's the Boss? It had this helpfully annoying little sound effect like a door creaking twice "Erch-Erch!" that always reminded me to get my ass up and change the channel before suffering a nasty bout of Danny Pintauritis.

Posted by: Stacy D at March 7, 2009 10:19 PM

does anyone else think of Chip & Dale when they listen to the MacGyver theme?

I am so glad I'm not alone. I started singing Chip & Dale along with the MacGyver song when I played that one.

Also, that Buffy song really IS wretched.

But watch the hating on the Walker theme! That song is truly EPIC.

Posted by: Gabs at March 7, 2009 11:18 PM

Did anyone notice Dustin just ticked Buffy Season 1. Not all Buffy. As someone who has never watched Buffy yet loves Firefly I can be somewhat impartial. That is a pretty crappy song.

Posted by: DivineGigi at March 8, 2009 3:42 AM

Buffy means what I think it does right?

Posted by: admin at March 8, 2009 5:14 AM

There is no way on this earth, or any other, that Buffy's theme song is worse than the crap that accompanied the opening credits of "Walker, Texas Ranger." Seriously. It's so bad I'm sure they play that over and over to torture the prisoners at Gitmo.

Also, the "Who's the Boss?" and "Family Matters" themes are horrendous, on so many levels. They need a place on this list, stat.

Posted by: luthien26 at March 8, 2009 5:50 AM

finally, someone agrees about "life goes on".

i was starting to think that i had stumbled into a meeting of dawn wiener's special people club.

Posted by: celery at March 8, 2009 7:13 AM

Farscape. I love the show (for awhile at least), but I used to mute the theme "music". It is so awful that words fail me.

Posted by: jvon at March 8, 2009 12:39 PM

Buffy at #1? Perplexing. Hearing that theme song made me long for it to be 1997 again. I'm not even a Whedon fanboy. Can't forgive him for Alien Ressurection.

Posted by: Vic at March 8, 2009 3:30 PM

How about the Family Guy? That's the most annoying song in the frickin' world.

Posted by: Mattfactor at March 9, 2009 10:33 AM

Everyone knows the worst theme song is
7th Heaven. Makes me want to freakin' puke.

Sevennnttttthhhh Heeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaven!
When I see there smilin' faces
staring back at me
I know there's no greater fellin'
than the love of a family
Seeeventh Heaveeeeeeen
Where can you goooooooo?
When the world won't treat you riiiiiiiight?
The answer is hoooooooooome
That's the one place that you'll find
Seeeeeeeeeventh Heeeeeeaaaaaaaaven!

Woof!

Get that out of your heads, suckers!

Posted by: TWoP Fan at March 9, 2009 11:58 AM

Everyone here who hasn't been subjected to the L Word theme should listen and THEN say it shouldn't be #1. If they can.

Thank god I never have to fastforward through that again. I can't believe it's even classifiable as a sort of music. Usually, even if a theme is not the greatest, if I love the show it gets me hyped up anyway (yes, I may even do a little seat-dance on the futon). But this? Blech.

Posted by: Lizzie (greeneyed fem) at March 9, 2009 12:04 PM

I read "boots jakesalterego in the internet nuts" as "inter-nuts"... And I shall steal it and use it and love it..

Posted by: Odnon at March 9, 2009 1:38 PM

Lizzie, You speak the truth. Earworm commence.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Posted by: Phat girl at March 9, 2009 2:17 PM

best theme song ever?

Theme from The Fall Guy.

And Adam C. - kudos on remembering the theme to Hardcastle & McCormick. I have that on my mp3 when I need inspiration to DRIVE!

Posted by: JH at March 9, 2009 4:07 PM

Buffy rules... even if you don't like the Theme Song, it still doesn't deserve the #1 spot...

However, I see ALL your "Worst Theme Songs EVER" and raise you with this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U8Qp24UDGjw

Oh yeah, been living with that crap nightly for the last twenty-odd freakin' years... All twelve different bloody versions of it.

(for those not clicking... Home and Away theme song)

Posted by: Bekah at March 10, 2009 2:23 AM

uh #1?
I don't think so...

Posted by: carla at March 10, 2009 2:24 AM

Buffy at number 1? Seriously? I can understand having the original version on this list, because I find that version horrible (it even gets off beat at some point), but the revamped version is flipping amazing. You must be on some sort of illegal substance.

Posted by: Bae at March 10, 2009 9:12 PM

I can't think of a top 10 list I have disagreed with more. Some of my favorite themes of all time are on you "worst" list.

Posted by: dewey1973 at March 11, 2009 12:52 AM

I've been silently reading this site for a bit thanks to Julie and I usually agree with a lot of what I read(makes for much better subway reading than the Watchtowers the Jehovah's Witnesses give out) but I completely disagree with this. Everybody with one brain cell that survived alcoholism knows that the Hogan's Family theme(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UumiZKltAPQ) is the ABSOLUTELY worst piece of music ever. As awesome as I think Michael Bateman is, he owes us 50 lashes for that show and it's horrid theme.

Posted by: JaeClassic at March 14, 2009 12:44 AM

what? the blossom theme? the theme was my favorite part of that whole show! it sounds like i'm being ironic, but i seriously loved blossom as a kid.

not to mention, while i'm too young for mr. belvedere, i sure am now searching for a download of it's theme.

Posted by: leigh at March 18, 2009 2:26 AM

There is no way that any TV theme song is worse than Three's Company. I must quote:

"Come and knock on our door (come and knock on our door)
We've been waitin' for you (we've been waitin' for you)
Where the kisses are HERS and HERS and HIS
Three's company too

Come and dance on our floor (come and dance on our floor)
Take a step that is new (take a step that is new)
There's a lovable SPACE that needs your FACE
Three's company too

You'll see that life is a frolic and laughter is callin' for you
Down at our rendez-vous
Three's company too"

And I won't even start on the music or the singers....

Beat that, Buffy

Posted by: Angeldaddy at March 18, 2009 10:29 PM