The Worst Films Set in New Orleans

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Seriously Random Lists | Comments (59)

By request (because I’m in Boston for the Independent Film Festival and needed a quick and dirty SRL), here are the five worst films set in or around New Orleans. And I strongly urge you to watch the trailers for the last three. Believable unfuck, y’all.

5. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

4. The Skeleton Key

3. Johnny Handsome

2. Cat People

1. Hard Target: As TK suggested, The “list would start and end with Hard Target. Seriously. Van Damme as a cajun. Named Chance. Because, and I quote, ‘My mamma took one.’

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Comments

I remember staying up to watch the nude scenes in Cat People on cable when I was a kid.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at April 22, 2009 5:10 PM

That is a seriously impressive mullet.

Posted by: david at April 22, 2009 5:13 PM

I'm not bothering to watch the clip, but Cat People looks like a high quality film, Dustin, you elitist bastard.

Posted by: tt_marie at April 22, 2009 5:15 PM

Um, you are ignoring Big Easy, which had Dennis Quaid not knowing whether he was Southern or Cajun, and Ellen Barkin looking delicious. Craptastic movie.

Also, part of Exit to Eden (shut up) was set there and THAT is what started my linguistic nightmare. A police station, on Royal, tall black female cop tells Rosie, "Sugah, calm DAY-OWN."
What.the.fuck.ever.

One of the better films set there, however, was Love Song for Bobby Long. I loved the hell outta that movie.

Posted by: Sharon at April 22, 2009 5:31 PM

Here we are again. You're sounding like a broken record flogging a dead horse with a cliche. Give it a rest already. No one cares.

Posted by: AudioSuede at April 22, 2009 5:32 PM

Only saw one, but everyone got suckered into the Dark Knight Best Picture Nomination robbing Benjamin Fucking Button. That film would have been so much better had it never been nominated.

Posted by: George at April 22, 2009 5:38 PM

Forrest Gump?

Posted by: lordhelmet at April 22, 2009 5:50 PM

uh, weren't large parts of Interview With a Vampire set in New Orleans? does that mean it might qualify?

and what about Angel Heart? Mickey Rourke was painfully bad in that. and De Niro as the devil? and his name was fucking Louis Cypher?

although getting to see Lisa Bonet in the buff was kinda cool.

on second thought, maybe that film wasn't so bad.

could Dracula 2000 be in the running for Best Film Set in New Orleans?

now, if you'll excuse me, i need to revisit that Lisa Bonet scene...

Posted by: causaubon at April 22, 2009 5:56 PM

That was set in Alabama, you geographic retard.

And why is it everyone hates Forrest Gump, it was actually a good movie. Granted, Shawshank was the one that deserved the Oscar, but that's it. Quiz Show was forgettable, and after the endless stream of pop culture references in inferior films (i.e. every fucking Dreamworks movie), Travolta's acting revival, and Quentin Tarantino's miserable acting ability, Pulp Fiction can go fuck itself.

Keep in mind, I love Pulp Fiction, so it has to have done terrible things to deserve that statement I made above. It did, fuck it.

Posted by: George at April 22, 2009 5:56 PM

But Cat People has the fucking awesomest theme song! I never understood why Bowie chose to put the shit version on the Let's Dance album instead of the awesome soundtrack version.

Posted by: stardust savant at April 22, 2009 6:01 PM

~~At the risk of offending pedants/Southerners~~ Alabama, New Orleans, what's the diff? Thanks George for rising to the bait. I was wanting a new wind-up toy!

Posted by: lordhelmet at April 22, 2009 6:12 PM

Aww. I kind of liked Skeleton Key. It was on HBO like every day a couple of years ago, so I finally gave in and watched it. It totally creeped me out (possibly because I was home alone, it was riany out, etc.). But I can't imagine there aren't five movies worse than it set in New Orleans.

Wasn't part of "Double Jeopardy" set there? You know, the movie where Ashley Judd is framed for killing her husband, but he isn't really dead, and she inexplicably gets out after only 7 years, and tracks him down and plans to kill him again? Because she couldn't get convicted again, because it would be Double Jeopardy. Get it? Ugh.

Posted by: Lollygagger at April 22, 2009 6:13 PM

Still gotta go with The Pelican Brief, because that horse faced bitch Roberts can't get enough hate from me. Ever. Remember Sleeping With The Enemy? The only movie that I ever enjoyed her in, mostly because I was rooting for Patrick Bergin to fuck her up and be done with it. It would have made for a much shorter, but much better, movie.

Posted by: slower lower at April 22, 2009 6:15 PM

But Hard Target costarred Lance Henriksen, Arnold Vosloo, Yancy Butler, and Wilford Brimley's mustache!!! And it was directed by John Woo!!! And...I got nothing.

Posted by: Adam C at April 22, 2009 6:17 PM

Bring on the battle, lordhelmet, I fear nothing!

Posted by: George at April 22, 2009 6:18 PM

I'm sorry. I loved "Cat People" as a horny teenager. I still get off listening to Bowie's "Putting out the Fire" and thinking of Annette O'Toole's nipples.

Posted by: Neodiogenes at April 22, 2009 6:23 PM

WHAT?!?

Hard Target, the worst movie set in New Orleans? No way, Jose. It's a great movie.

In fact, Hard Target is the best U.S. Made John Woo movie. Face Off, Broken Arrow, whatever the other ones were... They've got nothing on Chance Boudreaux.

Besides, Hard Target is like 10 times better than the I-Tea "Most Dangerous Game" movie.

Posted by: Forbiddendonut at April 22, 2009 6:34 PM

Not even a possible resurgence in popularity of Jessica Simpson's musical career? Damn, George, you're a tough nut to crack.

No battle to be had here, just gently mocking you for being so easily riled. Carry on.

Posted by: lordhelmet at April 22, 2009 6:36 PM

The one that nobody remembers is Undercover Blues featuring Dennis Quaid and Kathleen Turner as Jane and Jeff Blue in what looks like a home movie /tourism agency video. It really should have been titled, "Have some beignets, drink some chicory coffee, laissez les bon temps roulez." Craptastically boring.

Posted by: OscarTamerz at April 22, 2009 6:47 PM

Um, you are ignoring Big Easy, which had Dennis Quaid not knowing whether he was Southern or Cajun, and Ellen Barkin looking delicious. Craptastic movie.

Well exactly, which is why it's not on this list. Don't forget Ned Beatty at his absolute hammiest. While no one is mistaking it for a good film, The Big Easy has its charms, as does the Big Easy. I wouldn't want to live in New Orleans either, but just like its film namesake, it deserves visiting every few years, perhaps for a drinking binge/episode of Hangover Theater.

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at April 22, 2009 6:47 PM

The Skeleton Key is not set in New Orleans but in Houma, which I have the misfortune to know is a little over an hour outside the city and consists entirely of box stores, fast food and mini-malls. It is not New Orleans.

Posted by: Eva at April 22, 2009 6:54 PM

Batman and Robin. Oh. Shit. that was the other thread. Fuck it. I stand by it. Fuck you Batman and Robin. Fuck you in the eye.

Cat People on the other hand, holds a special place in my heart (and my other hand, hehehe). Thank you Naked Nastassia Kinski. Thank you very much.

Posted by: Odnon at April 22, 2009 7:08 PM

I thought Heaven's Prisoners was pretty horrible, althought the soundtrack was outstanding.

One of my best buds has a lot of family in Houma, Eva, although you have to know him pretty well before he'll admit to that.

Posted by: Eep at April 22, 2009 7:14 PM

candyman 2.

anyone who ever lived in lew orleans (i was there 9 years during the 90s) will be IRKED by the cultural mistakes in this film.
not to mention, everyone except tony todd DRIPS a fake cajun accent, they only eat things like jambalaya, and don't even say n'awlins like a local.
the main character is a teacher who is shown teaching class on mardi gras morning (trust me, not one student has to ever go to school that WHOLE WEEK).
then she is shown DRIVING, waiting for a parade to pass before she can cross the street, except that PARADE ROUTES would have been blocked off and no cars are gonna get through. for HOURS, if not ALL DAMN DAY. trust me on this, i lived on st. charles and it would take me 2HOURS to walk a mile and a half during some of these festivities, it was so damn crowded.

or like in the pelican brief where julia roberts ran out of a bar, turned ONE corner and was outside of another venue (which in reality was 8 or 9 blocks away).

or in point of no return, where bridget fonda had to shoot someone coming out of a restaurant from out of a window. and the hotel she was staying in wasn't even on that block.

and don't get me started on the big easy. dennis quaid can SUCK IT!

Posted by: gp at April 22, 2009 7:24 PM

Like the boys having horny teenage hangovers for Cat People, that's me and The Big Easy - Dennis Quaid's abs and the drawling "cher..." still makes me tingling in the triangle.

And thanks for the reminder of the other Dennis Quaid/New Orleans film Undercover Blues - Stanley Tucci's Muerte/Morty was frickin' HIlarious! I still bust out an "I am Muerte" every once in a while.

Posted by: Popsi_zen at April 22, 2009 7:26 PM

WTF! Hard Target KICKS ASS.

Posted by: Leaf at April 22, 2009 7:34 PM

Lance Henriksen is too great to be in two of the five worst films of any topic.

This should have been like that other Benjamin Button list where all five movies were Button.

Posted by: Borg at April 22, 2009 7:41 PM

gp, you are making me laugh over here. The cat is concerned.
I never saw Candyman 2, did she really drive up to an intersection and wait for a parade to pass before crossing?
Hahahahahaha.
I had a hard time leaving work on a parade route, and this was in Slidell, hours before the street was blocked off.

And socalled, if the accents are terrible enough, they completely eclipse the movie for me. Does this happen to other people? Like movies set in New York or Jersey or Boston, hell even in other parts of the south? Do people from Atlanta sit there and scream "Fuck you, how come you got all your actors speaking with a coastal Alabama accent?"

Posted by: Sharon at April 22, 2009 7:54 PM

seriously, sharon, go rent candyman 2. you will die laughing. there's a wolfman jack-type of radio deejay that you keep hearing and he is just. plain. awful.
and veronica cartwright plays the yatty matriarch, so you KNOW she hammed it up.
if you can stand the obligatory gore scenes, there's quite a convoluted back-story of candyman as a plantation slave fallin for the white lady.
and of course, the 9th ward is actually VOODOO TOWN.

so, am i a hypocrite if i admit to owning this and repeated viewings? it's just so damn bad.

Posted by: gp at April 22, 2009 8:15 PM

"and veronica cartwright plays the yatty matriarch, so you KNOW she hammed it up." I have to admit, I'll watch just about any movie if I know the human shriek factory is in it.

Posted by: spazmodeas at April 22, 2009 8:35 PM

Okay, I'm going to name drop here, because I got a few jobs as an extra while I was going to school in New Orleans. I accidentially whacked Keanu Reeves in the head while he was filming Tune In Tomorrow (talk about a crappy movie)-also I met Julia Roberts while was filming the Pelican Brief-But that was at a bar Uptown. She was out drinking with the crew which was pretty cool. And the Big Easy wins, if only because it shows Tip's with seating, and real food. Screw that.

Posted by: MrCresosote at April 22, 2009 8:46 PM

Voodoo Town?
Ah hahahaha.
Ha.haha.
Oh god.

Incidentally, the other night I made roasted chicken and while cleaning up, shook a bone and did a kind of frantic jig. I'm trying to improve my juju for a job I want. Maybe I should bring that up if I'm granted an interview? "I REALLY want this job, let me tell you . . ."

Posted by: Sharon at April 22, 2009 8:50 PM

I grew up in western Massachusetts, and bad New England accents piss me off. Once you get west of Worcester (yes, pronounce it Wista if you live there), you might as well be in Connecticutt. There is no accent. Rhode Island is even more pronounced than eastern Mass, and the upper states (NH, VT, ME) are different still. A bad, overdone, hammy Maine accent makes me want to stab somebody. One of the worst attempts at south Boston was probably a made for TV movie starring Ken Olin, of whiny hipster douchebag thirtysomething fame. It was "Goodnight Sweet Wife", about the guy who killed his wife in Boston in 1989. I think I lasted all of ten minutes before I screamed obscenities at the TV and walked away.

Posted by: slower lower at April 22, 2009 8:54 PM

Wayyyyyyy off fucking base with Hard Target. Adam C. was right about the cast. And the names of the characters:

Chance Boudreaux
Pik Van Cleef
Emil Fouchon

and the ever popular Old Man Cajun badass Uncle Douvee...Wilford Brimley spoutin' off about moonshine and shootin' dem wit de arrows, dat gud on ya' boy.

Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil, that should be on the list. Talk about reach exceeding its grasp. Hard Target knew what it was, and it didn't try to be anything different.

Shame on you Dustin

Posted by: Rubble44 at April 22, 2009 9:04 PM

Only a few scenes from the Skeleton Key were set in New Orleans. The rest were in rural Houma (the bayou yall).

I actually sort of love this movie.

What about Double Jeopardy? More than half of it was in New Orleans, as evidenced by people running around in cemeteries and going to parties with feather masks on.

Posted by: Michelle at April 22, 2009 9:09 PM

Er... but doesn't Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil take place a few hundreds miles East, in Savannah?;)

Posted by: luthien26 at April 22, 2009 9:10 PM

Lollygagger, I'll do you one better (or worse, I guess). I fucking LOVE The Skeleton Key. Don't get me wrong, it's a shitballsawful movie, but I can't help myself. Kate Hudson will forever be one of my girl crushes (if only she'd stop doing shitty rom coms so I could actually watch her in something new) and Peter Saarsgard is just yummy. And that creepy record they keep playing? Love it love it love it.

Posted by: puregonzo at April 22, 2009 9:11 PM

Also, I have an unnatural love for Mickey Rourke, but was he supposed to be retarded in Johnny Handsome? I've never heard a n'awlins accent done quite that "special".

Posted by: puregonzo at April 22, 2009 9:15 PM

I don't remember Luthein, it sucked that much....you could smell it in New Orleans

Seriously, I am embarrassed. One that I brought it up, two that I was wrong.

Posted by: Rubble44 at April 22, 2009 9:26 PM

Thanks puregonzo - I'm happy to know I'm not alone. The ending totally creeped me out, and still does. Love it.

And Michelle, I'm glad to see someone else remembers Double Jeopardy. Seriously, that movie was horrible. I have really bad taste in films (probably why I lurke here more often than I post), but I can still tell the difference between good and bad. It's not bad enough to be fun to watch, or good enough to enjoy watching. It's just bad. Who gets out of prison after seven years for killing their spouse? The hell?!

Posted by: Lollygagger at April 22, 2009 10:53 PM

I saw Cat People and almost had a heart attack. How could anyone hate that magnificent Val Lewton masterpiece?

Then I saw that the image from the trailer was in color. Say not more.

Posted by: Robert at April 22, 2009 11:05 PM

Feel free to get in contact and tell us why you're attracted to people in uniform-www.uniformmate.com-

Posted by: 11 at April 22, 2009 11:17 PM

The Bowie song is fabulous.

"See these eyes so green? I can stare for a thousand years ..."

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at April 22, 2009 11:58 PM

The Toy, with Richard Pryor and Jackie Gleason.

It was great when I was 8, but what the hell did I know then?

It had its moments.

Posted by: Recondite at April 23, 2009 1:40 AM

Angel Heart was terrible.

"And socalled, if the accents are terrible enough, they completely eclipse the movie for me. Does this happen to other people? Like movies set in New York or Jersey or Boston, hell even in other parts of the south?"

A bad Boston accent can really distract during a movie, i.e. the psychiatrist's accent in "The Departed." Not that many outsiders can do a good Boston accent, though DiCaprio's wasn't too bad. You can't beat Damon's or Wahlberg's because they also understand the vernacular, i.e. "down the beach".

What's funny to me about the New Orleans accents I've heard is that they're not Southern-sounding at all. Maybe some big-ass drawl is the first sign of inauthenticity.

Posted by: samantha t at April 23, 2009 7:42 AM

Duuuuustiiiiiin I am going to karate-chop you in the face. I don't care what you say; Benjamin Button was not a bad movie and I think I can still stand by the fact that I enjoyed it... Although now you have said so many times that it was terrible that I feel like I can't trust my original judgment. It's sort of like Heigl - I had nothing against her at first but she was called an asshole so many times on this site that I now associate her with bad feelings. One of these days is a bell going to ring and I'll automatically start salivating?

Posted by: b at April 23, 2009 8:50 AM

HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE HUNTED?!!!!

Game, set, match.

Posted by: TK at April 23, 2009 9:33 AM

Oh, heavens; no one here has seen Zandalee? Nicholas Cage! Judge Reinhold! Bad accents, worse acting, and ridiculous geographical screwups! I thought my French Quarter rat husband (his mom owned one of those god awful gift shops) was going to have a stroke watching this crap fest. It does have Steve Buscemi as a philosophical garbage man, which was sort of cool. See this movie for the point and laugh factor. It's worth it.

Posted by: Heather Mooney at April 23, 2009 9:40 AM

I *love* Hard Target. And JCVD is AWEsome and incredibly nice in person. When he was in town filming that movie, he became quite the local. And I like Skeleton Key enough to watch it when it's on, but never seek it out. Yes, it was filmed in Houma, but some scenes are in New Orleans (like the Half Moon dancing scene...)

Take off Hard Target and replace it with The Big Easy...which I find unbearable and offensive to my people.

lordhelmet, I will kill you in the face. You take that Alabama what's the diff shit back RIGHT NOW!

Posted by: jamiepants at April 23, 2009 9:54 AM

Why is everyone so jazzed about Mickey Rourke's comeback? He was a good actor who threw it all away. Now because he loves dogs and played himself without a shirt we're supposed to stand in awe of him? And don't give me that "he was blacklisted" crap either.
Give you an example:
Say you live in a small town and there is an amazing handyman who does flawless work on a few houses and builds a great reputation. Then suddenly he starts punching your neighbors, trashing all the local bars and hotels, and sabotaging your plumbing so that you end up covered in shit every time you take a shower. No one would hire him anymore.
Mickey Rourke is that handyman, my friends. I, for one, will not end up covered in poop this time around.

Posted by: Kballs at April 23, 2009 10:03 AM

slower lower,

west of Worcester has an upstate New York-esque accent. You can hear it in the As. Litte Midwestern, little Michigan, definitely there.

Posted by: Kate at April 23, 2009 11:02 AM

Geez, lighten up, ~~Francis~~ jamiepants. What do you people need, an engraved apology? Ok, done. Mind your head(s) as they need to be rather sizable to survive the descent from orbit.

Posted by: lordhelmet at April 23, 2009 12:20 PM

OscarTamerz, Undercover Blues IS the one...the one whose name I couldn't remember when making this suggestion to Dustin.

By the way, you really, completely and totally made my ridiculously shitty week 100% better by running with that suggestion. Thank you. I feel like a pretty, pretty princess.

Posted by: JenVegas at April 23, 2009 12:26 PM

Wow, I'm not the only one who thinks Deja Vu fucking sucked, am I?

Posted by: Todd at April 23, 2009 1:01 PM

Pajiba doesn't seem to be as fun as it used to be. Some of these new commenters just seem to be mean, for the fuck of it. I don't dig that. :(

But anyway, for my two cents, I actually kinda pretty much loved The Skeleton Key. It's mindless and fun and creepy and set on the bayou. What could be better for a rainy Saturday afternoon?

Posted by: The Pink Hulk at April 23, 2009 2:03 PM

I'll always love how much you loathe Curious Case, DR.

That is all.

Posted by: Riley at April 23, 2009 8:11 PM

Oh, Dustin, I love ya, but no WAY am I going to let you off from putting "Benjamin Button" on this list! It's a seriously great movie! C'mon! And whoever ragged on "Angel Heart," as flawed as it is, I still dig it! It's got great texture and the script isn't as hokey as it seems. (I kinda like the Louis Cypher thing ... it's the story being a little cheeky with itself ... nothing wrong with that.)
As evidenced by the other titles that were mentioned, there's plenty of other really BAD movies set in or shot in N.O. that rate a lot higher than "Benjamim Button!" Give me an enormous break!

Posted by: Andy Geisel at April 27, 2009 5:23 PM

Evening darlins....I laughed so hard at this amazing list. It brought back so many memories...I was born in New Orleans and my mom was an extra in Cat People and The Big Easy and my dad did crew work on Interview...vile films but happy thoughts. Thanks!

Posted by: Pups at April 29, 2009 11:37 PM

Oh, and I have to agree w/ Rubble44's pick: "Midnight in the Garden of Dull and Boring." I love Clint [Eastwood, director], but there was a stretch of time during which he was really long-winded. Unfortunately, "Midnight" was made during that period, a classic example of what happens when screenplay, scenes and ultimately edits are allowed to drone on ... and on ... and on.

Posted by: Andy Geisel at May 3, 2009 8:42 PM

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