The Ten Best Ways to Take Your Mind off the Snowpocalypse

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Seriously Random Lists | Comments (47)

For about half of the United States (or more), yesterday and today, God officially began his punishment for replacing Idris Elba with Tyler Perry in the Alex Cross series in the best way he knows how: By dumping a shitton of snow on our driveways. For many, especially those in New England, it’s just heaping misery on misery, and we’re running out of places to put it. Our cities have practically been barricaded by snow banks. It’s been a long frustrating winter, and there’s six more weeks of it to endure.

And while winter is hell this year for New England, for some of those mid-western and Southern states, who are unused to a foot of snow and ice, this week has been downright crippling. The one snow plow your city has had in storage for three years is struggling to cover the entire town, and meanwhile, the ice has knocked out your power, so you can’t even enjoy Netflix on your snow day.

Thanks for dialing us up on your iPhone.

We feel for you here at Pajiba. Our power to assist you is limited, unfortunately. We can’t help you shovel your driveway, for instance, nor can we can we force the pizza delivery guy to come to your house in a blizzard. But we can provide the smallest of pick-me ups, a few seconds reprieve. More importantly, a reminder that winter doesn’t last forever. It just feels like it. But in a few months, you, too, could be enjoying the beach, the sun, and the pretty.

Here are Ten Small Ways to Take Your Mind off the Snowpocalypse.

Christine Teigen

Jon Hamm

Helen Mirren

Josh Holloway

Olivia Wilde

Hugh Jackman

Salma Hayek

Daniel Craig

Javier Bardem & Penelope Cruz

Timothy Olyphant

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Bless. I know I'm an agnostic, but bless you for this anyway.

Posted by: cinekat at February 2, 2011 9:24 AM

Thank you Dustin. I think I can face the wintry mix now.

Posted by: leuce7 at February 2, 2011 9:24 AM

Thank you from Wisconsin. Especially for Mr. Olyphant. He'll just melt all the snow away with his warm and penetrating gaze. And those abs.

Posted by: prairiegirl at February 2, 2011 9:26 AM

This stupendous article is giving me body issues.

Posted by: feral streep at February 2, 2011 9:33 AM

I love equal opportunity objectification!

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at February 2, 2011 9:39 AM

Dustin, thanks. You beat me to the punch. I was going to have a boring article about cooking and trying out new hairstyles while stuck at home.

Who am I kidding. I still will. Love the inclusion of Helen.

Posted by: Shannon Hood at February 2, 2011 9:49 AM

Am I the only one slightly freaked out by the Olivia Wilde pic? Her torso looks like it's been stretched on a rack... And I'm a little disappointed to find out she has a tramp stamp.

Posted by: Big Moo at February 2, 2011 9:50 AM

No Bellucci or Weisz. You sir are no friend of mine.

Posted by: admin at February 2, 2011 9:53 AM

Big Moo, don't even get me started on that lady.

Posted by: sars at February 2, 2011 9:53 AM

Olivia Wilde is either a mermaid or she lost her legs in an industrial accident. That said, with another goddamn day of freezing rain, I'd pretty much fap to a manatee if it was on a sun-kissed beach.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at February 2, 2011 9:56 AM

The picture of Cruz and Bardem has me feeling all schmoopy.

Posted by: Julie at February 2, 2011 9:58 AM

Hm. I am disappointed in this list, so I offer this animated gif for the Somerhalder fans.

Posted by: An Atlantan at February 2, 2011 9:58 AM

Timothy Olyphant always looks like his balls are juuuuuust about to fall out.

Posted by: superasente at February 2, 2011 10:00 AM

I'm 20 years old but I would definitely have sex with Helen Mirren. Three times.

Tiegen and Wilde aren't too shabby, either.

Posted by: Parker Jammstein at February 2, 2011 10:03 AM

Awww Dustin, how did you know this is what I needed? The seething rage I've been feeling all morning just melts away when I look at all these abs. And Hamm.

Posted by: nosio at February 2, 2011 10:05 AM

@Superasente: No complaints here.

Posted by: nosio at February 2, 2011 10:07 AM

That picture of Bardem and Cruz makes me wish it was April of next year, when TheMaskedEmu and I will be on our honeymoon in St. Lucia and probably cuddled up like that on the beach.

::goes to happy visual place, where it is warm and cuddly and there is no snow or ice anywhere::

Posted by: KatSings at February 2, 2011 10:13 AM

Splendid list (and the Atlantan's animated Somerhalder GIF is the very pretty cherry atop a sundae made of pretty). Never mind that I am now picturing all of those people at the same exclusive party on the same beach, laughing at all those poor housebound schmoes in the Midwest. I would crash that party in a heartbeat.

Stay warm, all.

Posted by: Another Kate at February 2, 2011 10:14 AM

Good Golly miss Mirren. I don't remember the last time I had an erection from a 65 year old. Well, if you don't count that homeless lady at the bus stop the other day. What? She needed to warm her hands. It's called *charity*, people.

Posted by: Paultera at February 2, 2011 10:16 AM

Snow? What snow? I am in SINGAPORE, BITCHEZ! We just spent the day in the high 80's exploring the botanical gardens, then Little India for dinner, then to China Town for Chinese New Years. I just went for a 4k run at 10:30PM in a very light rain, and it is STILL at least 85*.
Also: I will never be as smoking hot as Helen Mirren is. I bow down to her obvious superiority.

Posted by: Lindsey With an 'e' at February 2, 2011 10:26 AM

Yay, it's Jack Human.

Posted by: Lucas at February 2, 2011 10:27 AM

Oh Salma you could clean my house any day!

Posted by: logan at February 2, 2011 10:31 AM

Something for every age demographic. I can appreciate that.

Also, it's spring here in West-By-God-Virginia, sunny and pleasant out, 40-some degrees. I don't know how/why Godtopus spared us, but I saw a map of that ginormous bastard that started in Texas and stretched up into Ohio and took dead aim at us until it reached the border and then took a little half-arc above Pittsburgh and then back down and then moved on to clobber New England.

Thanks, oh great and wondrous Tentacled Master. We owe you one, Big Guy.

Posted by: , at February 2, 2011 10:33 AM

What, no Tom Hardy? Sacrilege!

I feel superior, living in LA right now, for once.

Posted by: Rest In Peace at February 2, 2011 10:38 AM

Paultera, your words are poetry.

Posted by: OldSchool60 at February 2, 2011 10:39 AM

Thanks. I needed that!

Today we're enjoying a delightful day of sleet, the driveway and car are covered with ice and the kids are out of school for the second day in a row. Fun times.

Posted by: Cindy at February 2, 2011 10:46 AM

It's in the high 70s here. Florida may suck but the weather is killer. Enjoy that 'snow'*...

*I doubt its very existence.

Posted by: Trouble at February 2, 2011 10:52 AM

I can't get enough of the "Snowpocalypse" term. I really can't. It just rolls off the tongue, like a shitty SyFy film. I'm sure the project was already green-lit and written by their usual team of damaged chimps with typewriters and begins shooting tomorrow for a Friday night premier.

Posted by: Robert at February 2, 2011 11:00 AM

Helen Mirren!!! Va va voom! Thanks Dustin.

Posted by: Zeff at February 2, 2011 11:00 AM

I win twice! I love winter and hot people!

Posted by: jM at February 2, 2011 11:07 AM

I think the fact that Javier Bardem & Penelope Cruz are together is proof that there is sanity in this universe. Fuck Brangelina - these two are far FAR hotter, together or alone. And that schmoopy picture just makes me smile. Thanks!

Posted by: Edith at February 2, 2011 11:14 AM

So comma man lives in West Virginia. That explains SO much.

Posted by: PaddyDog at February 2, 2011 11:23 AM

Hm. I am disappointed in this list, so I offer this animated gif for the Somerhalder fans.
Posted by: An Atlantan at February 2, 2011 9:58 AM

And with that, An Atlantan becomes my favorite.

Posted by: Anna von Beav at February 2, 2011 11:25 AM

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMM!

Awesome. Now I can take off one of my three layers of clothing, because rawr.

I don't know what that means other than: hot.

Posted by: Figgy at February 2, 2011 11:25 AM

FEH. +1 for Daniel Craig, but you can't even see Bardem, really, and the rest of the men are not even worth noting. Really, have we collectively moved on from RDJ's abs already? Now I'm even more depressed.

Posted by: Samantha at February 2, 2011 11:48 AM

Oh, this has nothing to do with the post, but it needs mentioning:

I LOVE the new header. It's pretty.

Posted by: Figgy at February 2, 2011 12:18 PM

I will happily take your pretty pictures even if the PNW has largely been spared the crappy winter weather this year. California is getting all our rain and the big ocean to the left keeps the temps mild. I'll echo Trouble's sentiments and say that the whole MechaSnowstorm news seems fabricated. It is a little chilly today though.

This is the second picture post where it's concluded with a pictorial advertisement at the end, that's roughly the same size and shape as your pictures. It's jarring. Today's sexy ended with, obviously, Progressive Insurance!

Posted by: katy at February 2, 2011 12:49 PM

Dustin, you're the best. That is all.

and seriously, An Atlantan I think I might love you. That gif made my day, nay, my WEEK.

Posted by: Even Stevens at February 2, 2011 1:01 PM

That image just makes me want to build little sad Keanu snowmen all over town! Alas, if only I hadn't fled the east coast :( Scratch that. I'll keep my fog and gloom if it means no more devil-pants-wearin' snow!

Posted by: beet salad at February 2, 2011 1:08 PM

An Atlantan, I think I may also love you. I hope there's enough to go around. If not, I'll be alright with the gif.

Posted by: Eyvi at February 2, 2011 2:17 PM

That cannot be Helen Mirren. It is simply not possible. It looks like someone took the body of an average 25 year old who's maybe had one kid (thats a big Maybe, two of them actually) and then kind of made some slightly wrinkled skin on the collar bones in photo shop before putting Helen Mirren's head on the body. I mean come on, at least you could have given her some veins or wibbly thighs. Incidentally I want to give my condolences to her children. I to know what it is like to have a mother who is well, you know alot older than you, but is still hotter than you will ever be. It's why I no longer have any photo's of my mom anywhere. The first time your mom is called a MILF it's funny, the second its less so, the third its kind of akward, and from there it just makes you question your friends.

We should seriously start a support group for one another we could call it CMILFWLB. Translated from welsh that reads Children of MILF's who lack beauty.

Posted by: Yankee Sodomite at February 2, 2011 2:30 PM

Helen Mirren has no (biological) children. I think that explains a lot of the perceived photoshopping. Kind of makes a girl want to consider adopting for purely selfish, superficial reasons.

Posted by: leuce7 at February 2, 2011 2:37 PM

Anyone else tired of acting surprised when winter acts like winter?

Thanks for the eye candy, though! Good stuff.

Posted by: masonwasp at February 2, 2011 4:00 PM

Another Kate, Anna von Beav, Even Stevens, Eyvi: I felt very skeezy googling a celebrity + shirless while at work, so I'm glad it was so well received!

Posted by: An Atlantan at February 2, 2011 4:16 PM

The only thing that could make this complete is Tim Riggins, I mean Taylor Kitsch.

Also, I now feel even more guilty of my snow bound diet for the past two days. The first pic especially makes me regret starting the boxed wine at 2 in the afternoon.

Posted by: Austin at February 2, 2011 11:44 PM

Unfortunately, studies show that looking at pictures of super hot women makes women feel bad about themselves, and the dude pictures are sub-par. (Except for Sawyer, but I hate Sawyer.) So my back still hurts AND I'm depressed.
All I can say is thank God Atlantan was here to bring the whoa.

Posted by: Bee at February 3, 2011 1:42 AM

Snowverkill!!

Posted by: Jadine at February 3, 2011 12:29 PM

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The Ten Best Ways to Take Your Mind off the Snowpocalypse

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