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The Striking Fragrances of Lingerie Football

By Michael Murray | Posted Under Seriously Random Lists | Comments (17)

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The Lingerie Football League was created in 2009 and is now flourishing, boasting 12 teams spread across North America. One of the teams is located in Toronto and I happen to know somebody within the organization of this particular team and have been approached to help in branding the franchises by writing copy for the fragrances— named after the spirit of each team— that are to be launched in 2012.

I present to you my work-in-progress, and would be interested in all constructive feedback.

Seattle Mist:

This beguiling scent suggests a woman who is as mysterious and beautiful as the Pacific Northwest itself, and who has reported multiple Bigfoot sightings.

San Diego Seduction:

The woman who wears San Diego Seduction is confident and not afraid to go out and get what she wants, even if it involves a car chase!

Tampa Breeze:

A fine blend of coconut oil and fish, this bewitching fragrance marries the immediacy of the trailer park with the elegance of a Jet Ski.

Philadelphia Passion:

Imagine the energy and street edge of 1970-era Blaxploitation films transformed into a bewitching scent! It should be on the list of every lady on your Christmas list!

Toronto Triumph:

This redolence suggests “curvy, not heavy,” and has delicate traces of barn owl and cinnamon.

Chicago Bliss:

This sassy aroma makes it clear to everybody around that the rips in your jeans are intentional!

Green Bay Chill:

With just a tinge of freezer to serve as an accent, this classic scents asks, “Who wants to eat some cheese?”

Orlando Fantasy:

Like a scene airbrushed onto a van, this scent is unmistakable and vivid, a steady and powerful reminder that fortune favours the bold!

Los Angeles Temptation:

This complex blend is best suited to the sophisticated tastes of a woman who can confidently navigate her way through a world of back tattoos and spray-on tans. It’s a scent that says, “I’m here, look at me!”

Vegas Sin:

All the romance of Bloody Caesars, navel piercings and curry by the pool are distilled into this one intoxicating fragrance. Leave your man begging for more, wear Vegas Sin!

Minnesota Valkyrie:

The Valkyrie woman is playful by nature, enjoying a child-like snowball fight with her man, but make no mistake, she knows how to use a crossbow if her nation calls for it!

Baltimore Charm:

A statement fragrance, the wearer of Baltimore Charm is letting the world know that she is a Twilight fan and that she prefers Edward over Jacob.









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Comments

I suddenly have that not-so-fresh feeling.

Posted by: the other courtney at December 16, 2011 10:54 AM

Women's football + Passion = Pittsburgh Passion. We don't need no fucking lingerie. Our women just play god damn football.

Posted by: Socrates_Johnson at December 16, 2011 10:55 AM

Nothing charming about Baltimore.

Posted by: , at December 16, 2011 11:04 AM

I was really confused because the home page version of the header said that this is a Daniel Carlson post!

Thankfully, the beauty of Michael's prose shone through, like the star of Pajiba that he truly is.......

Posted by: frank_247 at December 16, 2011 11:08 AM

And now, some fecker has fixed it. Damn you all to hell!!!

Posted by: frank_247 at December 16, 2011 11:09 AM

Smells like Seattle Pink Mist at Low Tide.

Posted by: bleujayone at December 16, 2011 11:17 AM

As a feminist, I wouldn't even care if they played naked football, if the quality of play was actually GOOD. I know plenty of hot chicks that you could stuff into pigtails, bras and underwear and they'd still rush for over a hundred yards. At least objectify yourself with QUALITY athleticism. Jesus.

Posted by: scorzi at December 16, 2011 11:22 AM

I fucking love you, Scorzi. So much so that I'm going to buy you some lovely perfume.

Posted by: admin at December 16, 2011 11:30 AM

"Toronto Triumph" made me choke on my coffee.

Posted by: Alabaster Salamander at December 16, 2011 12:18 PM

From Wikipedia:

"The league has been accused of . . not paying medical bills for injured players. The league prohibits players from commenting on personnel matters, a rule that prompted the vast majority of the Toronto Triumph, including team captain Krista Ford, to quit in protest in October 2011. Originally a professional league with players receiving a cut of net revenue, Mortaza stopped paying his players beginning in the 2011 season and converted the league into an amateur organization; players also must pay for their own health insurance."

Up until that paragraph, I was willing to let it be live and let live as long as I don't have to watch or give these exploitative jerks a buck.

But that just graduates them to Fucking Assholes Whom Deserve Quick Karmic Retribution.

Posted by: idiosynchronic at December 16, 2011 12:25 PM

So, I am assuming that each fragrance smells like baby powder mingled with a hint of shame, desperation, and community college tuition payments.

Posted by: professor_love at December 16, 2011 1:00 PM

@idiosynchronic:

If that's true, and I have no reason to think it's not, why in hell do the players put up with that crap? Why haven't they ALL quit? Are there women out there so desperate to run around a football field in their underwear that they're willing to put up with anything to do it? I just don't get it.

Posted by: elsie at December 16, 2011 1:53 PM

Admin:

I wear Penhaligon's Artemisia. Big bottle is almost two hundred bucks. Small bottle is fifty bucks. Took me YEARS to find a "signature" fragrance and since I don't smoke, drink coffee and I'm single it's my one luxury. Penhaligon is one of the oldest perfumeries in the world (it's in London and opened in the 1800's). Smells like raw vanilla and baby powder with a tiny millisecond of orange blossoms.

Definitely boner worthy.

Posted by: scorzi at December 16, 2011 3:30 PM

@elsie

My husband's ex-girlfriend played for the Seattle Mist. Going by what I've had to deal with from her it's not that they're desperate to run around in their underwear, it's more that they're desperate for attention of any sort. The majority of the girls on the team at the time she was on it (when the team first started) seemed to be doing it to launch some kind of modeling/entertainment career.

Posted by: bzzybzz at December 16, 2011 3:46 PM

Smells like raw vanilla and baby powder with a tiny millisecond of orange blossoms.

Definitely boner worthy.
---
Def.

Posted by: , at December 17, 2011 3:20 AM

Lame and perfect for no-lifers. I watch real football

Posted by: Tasos at December 17, 2011 6:04 AM

Jerking ..... off ..... now ....can't ..... type ....... ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

Where's the tissue???

Posted by: handy_man at December 19, 2011 11:20 PM