The Most Unfortunate Incidents of Male Nudity

The Five Most Unfortunate Incidents of Cinematic Rear Male Nudity

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Seriously Random Lists | Comments (83)

Honorable Mention: Vincent Gallo in Brown Bunny

5. Phillip Seymour Hoffman in Before The Devil Knows You’re Dead

4. Will Ferrell in Old School

3. Harvey Keitel in The Piano

2. Seth Rogen in Zack and Miri Make a Porno

1. Ken Davitian in Borat

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Comments

That guy in About Schmidt.

Posted by: Sabrina at March 10, 2009 4:09 PM

What, no accompanying photographic evidence? As a photographer and voyeur, I'm supremely disappointed.

Posted by: boo at March 10, 2009 4:09 PM

Reaaaaally can't argue with #1, though. That scarred me.

Posted by: Sabrina at March 10, 2009 4:10 PM

oh yeah, Sabrina. his number one is spot on.

GAH.

Posted by: boo at March 10, 2009 4:11 PM

Sean Penn in 21 Grams.

A friend of mine let out a scream of pure, unadulterated terror that haunts me to this day. Apparently his ass resembles a withered banana.

Posted by: Ava at March 10, 2009 4:11 PM

I still think Ken is the bravest man I've ever seen. There is no way in hell you could ever catch me doing something like that, even for a movie.

Unless you paid me eleventy-billion dollars, that is.

Posted by: Snath at March 10, 2009 4:13 PM

I think Rogen has a cute butt.

Posted by: Julie at March 10, 2009 4:13 PM

Aaaand now I'm off to scrub my brain with bleach. Thanks. Thank you for the mental picture. I'm not prude, I just ate and thinking about the Borat wrestling scene is not what I need right now.

Posted by: Porkchop at March 10, 2009 4:13 PM

Boo -- Unfortunately, pictures were hard to come by and I was terrified of what the wife would think if she were to do a history search on the computer. Also, we're a family site, you know? It wouldn't be appropriate for our younger, less mature readers.-- DR

Posted by: Dustin Rowles at March 10, 2009 4:15 PM

JULIE MIDDLENAME LASTNAME!!!

You are dead to me. DEAD.

Posted by: boo at March 10, 2009 4:15 PM

Also, we're a family site, you know? It wouldn't be appropriate for our younger, less mature readers.

Easily the funniest thing I've ever read on this site. And that's saying something.

Posted by: Kolby at March 10, 2009 4:17 PM

Thankfully I haven't seen them all. That dude in Borat is enough to qualify for the top 5 by himself.

Posted by: cindy at March 10, 2009 4:17 PM

What about male frontal Nudity?

You mention Vincent Gallows ass but not his turgid member? What gives?

Nowadays, male ass is nothing new to behold in a film. Where is the list honoring the Jason Segels, the Dr. Manhattans, the Dirk Digglers?

I demand a cock list!

Posted by: Withnail at March 10, 2009 4:17 PM

"Family site"? Er, not my family. Not even the dog!

Posted by: cindy at March 10, 2009 4:18 PM

Hell, Dustin, it isn't approapriate for our older, more ~~mature~~ older readers.

Posted by: boo at March 10, 2009 4:18 PM

COCK LIST! COCK LIST! COCK LIST!

Posted by: Withnail at March 10, 2009 4:19 PM

We are treading very porny waters here.

Posted by: boo at March 10, 2009 4:20 PM

WHAT??? I find him and any attached parts appealing!!! I'm an equal opportunity ass enjoyer.

Posted by: Julie at March 10, 2009 4:21 PM

I demand a cock list!

Your demand is disqualified by your not mentioning flash-happy Ewan McGregor. You should know better.

Posted by: Jay at March 10, 2009 4:23 PM

Withnail, two of the names you listed had fake wangs. Should they even count?

Posted by: Snath at March 10, 2009 4:24 PM

Jules:

Cute face? Debatable but strong for the "yes" category. Great personality? No question.

ASS???? OH HONEY. NO.

There is waaaay more than equal in that opportunity, babe.

Posted by: boo at March 10, 2009 4:25 PM

Or flash-happy Harvey Keitel in THE PIANO. There are so many flash-happy actors out there, that to do a list of Hollywood's most unappealing cottage cheese is just the cowards way out!

I demand a list of Tinsel Town's Tumescent Tallywackers!

Posted by: Withnail at March 10, 2009 4:25 PM

DR. MANHATTAN'S WANG IS NOT FAKE!

It's Blue

Posted by: Withnail at March 10, 2009 4:26 PM

What, was it really flat, boo? Boring and shapeless? I can't remember the details.

Posted by: Jay at March 10, 2009 4:27 PM

I demand a cock list!

1. Foghorn Leghorn
2. Rocky, from Chicken Run
3. Chanticleer, from Rock-A-Doodle
4. The Troubador from Disney's Robin Hood

Had to.

Posted by: Julie at March 10, 2009 4:27 PM

Dennis Franz in NYPD Blue

I totally agree with the list though.

Posted by: MissNev at March 10, 2009 4:28 PM

Boo, I stand by my previous assessment!! :p

Posted by: Julie at March 10, 2009 4:29 PM

Jules -

Odalally, odallaly, golly what a day!

Posted by: Kolby at March 10, 2009 4:30 PM

I'm willing to risk being called a homophobe, but ALL male nudity in film in unfortunate, as far as I'm concerned. Except Kevin Bacon in "Wild Things." He did his daddy proud.

What? Oh, like you didn't look at his wang . . . FUCK YOU.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at March 10, 2009 4:32 PM

I've only seen 2, 3 and 4 and eh, I wasn't scarred by any of them. Male models? No. But who cares? Yeah, I'd much rather see Gerard Butler or Brad Pitt naked, but... small steps. I watch "Tomb Raider: Cradle of Life" (a not-good movie) just to see GB with no shirt on. Awesomeness. And as long as we're saluting awesomeness (I know we're not, but I decided to turn it into a salute to awesomeness), the always awesome Jason Statham and Daniel Craig. Mmmm.

So I encourage more male nudity. Hopefully, if we get an increase in overall male nudity, we'll get more quality.

Posted by: Slash at March 10, 2009 4:32 PM

Oh god, I'm siding with Julie on this one. Sorry boo! I just Seth Rogen to be absolutely adorable. Well, that and the fact that I would gladly boink anyone with two legs, a heartbeat and a cock, and even then, I'm fairly willing to make exceptions when it comes to the legs.

Posted by: Jeremy Feist at March 10, 2009 4:32 PM

"A pox! On the phoney King of England!!"

Posted by: Julie at March 10, 2009 4:33 PM

Ood--de-lally, Ood-de-lally, Golly What a Day.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at March 10, 2009 4:38 PM

Slash, if you haven't seen number one, consider yourself extremely lucky. Or, look it up online and then try and tell me you support more male nudity.

Posted by: Snath at March 10, 2009 4:41 PM

I concur with MissNev on Dennis Franz butt. If want to be technical, we did get a cinematic ass appearance from him in City of Angels.

If you want a cock list, it better have Viggo Mortenson on it. He killed people with his wang!

Posted by: branded at March 10, 2009 4:47 PM

I'm surprised not to see William H. Macy in The Closer on this list. Maybe it's an inverse sort of rule, ie, the better the actor, the worse the ass.

I would say that the opposite is true too, but that sounds like a dangerous rule. There are many hot ass, good actors, who would top the best version of this list for me. Viggo, for instance.

Can someone just post naked pictures of Viggo Mortensen?

Posted by: courtney 2 at March 10, 2009 4:54 PM

We're talking movies here people, no NYPD Blue butt or the Closer... sheesh.

What about Michael Douglas in Basic Instinct - not yummy.

Posted by: Popsi_zen at March 10, 2009 5:06 PM

Wow, sorry Kolb, I missed that you already posted that. Didn't mean to step on your lines there.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at March 10, 2009 5:07 PM

Keanu Reeves from The Matrix Reloaded was robbed. The famous Maddox put it best:

"There are two acceptable numbers of times Keanu Reeves ass should be seen on film, zero and negative . Negative would involve Reeves ass being cut off with a chainsaw, which would rule."

That's probably not an exact quote, but the fucking schools web won't let me access sites it deems "obscene/tasteless." Fucking fascists.

Posted by: George at March 10, 2009 5:27 PM

i second foghorn leghorn. if i were a chicken hawk, that's one cock i'd be all over.

Posted by: gp at March 10, 2009 5:37 PM

I think courteney meant "The Cooler" not Closer.

Posted by: Jay at March 10, 2009 5:44 PM

I guess I'm on the anti-cock-list faction. I already got my yearly dose of cock viewing watching Viggo roll around with a couple of sweaty, linoleum cutter wielding Russian dudes in Eastern Promises. It looked like Elmer Fudd flopping around in a fur parka.

Besides, you have to change your motto. Pajiba, Dirty Cock Pictures for People Who Need Cock Pictures.

Posted by: bucslim at March 10, 2009 5:45 PM

Sarina- Kathy Bates?

Posted by: Erin S at March 10, 2009 5:54 PM

As I recall, Harvey Keitel was full frontal in The Piano. I know because my mom called me up after seeing it and ranted about dragging my dad to see a Western and it turned out to be a dirty movie. I have no idea why she thought it was going to be a western but I didn't like to hear my mom use the words "tattoo" and "foreskin" in the same sentence.

Full frontal list (in no particular order):

Harvey Keitel "The Piano"

Richard Tiffany Gere (yes, that's really his middle name) "American Gigolo"

Viggo Mortensen "Eastern Promises" (should have been called Southern Promises, if you know what I mean and I think you do)

Posted by: BWeaves (from a different IP address) at March 10, 2009 6:17 PM

Ein S, Kathy Bates' naked ass wasn't exactly a welcome sight either, but I don't think she technically counts as male. That guy. You know. He was in that movie with the cuckoo bird.

Posted by: SaBrina at March 10, 2009 6:20 PM

JACK NICHOLSON. Wow.

Posted by: SaBrina at March 10, 2009 6:21 PM

"Hiss! You're never arrround when I need you!"

I feel like I have said this often 'round these parts, but Robin Hood has a sick sexy voice. I want to pet his tail.

Posted by: Geetch at March 10, 2009 6:41 PM

Oh, and I would bonk Seth Rogen in a split second if given the chance. His ass is not what I am interested in.

Posted by: Geetch at March 10, 2009 6:42 PM

I'm willing to risk being called a homophobe, but ALL male nudity in film in unfortunate, as far as I'm concerned.

Oh no, there was nothing unfortunate about Viggo's nudity. Well, except that it ended. And it was in a movie. And not at my house.

Posted by: Cindy at March 10, 2009 7:22 PM

I know we're going to have the corresponding Unfortunate Incidences of Female Nudity tomorrow? And it had better not be all older women, because there must be some kind of unfortunate young chick nudity, right?

Posted by: Cindy at March 10, 2009 7:27 PM

I'm with you, Cindy. I also recommend The Indian Runner for more full frontal Viggo goodness. God bless him.

Posted by: Ginger at March 10, 2009 7:27 PM

I can't believe you guys brought up Alan-a-Dale on the ass list. This site RULES. Also, Robin Hood had to have some of the best voices of any Disney movie ever made - and Roger Miller was a particularly great choice for the minstrel. But am I the only one that didn't realize that Peter Ustinov was both Prince John and King Richard?

"It appears that I now have an outlaw for an in-law."

Posted by: Anne (in Reno) at March 10, 2009 7:40 PM

The title sounds familiar - wonder how I missed it. Thanks Ginger.

Posted by: Cindy at March 10, 2009 7:41 PM

All this talk about Viggo in Eastern Promises is making me amend my previous demand.

I no longer wish for a Cock List.

Instead:

Taint List! Taint List! Taint List!

And Viggo will be number one!

Posted by: Withnail at March 10, 2009 7:56 PM

Unfortunate male ass in film?

That's gotta EUGENE LEVY in Armed & Dangerous, though his ass is not the most troubling aspect of that horrible John Candy vehicle.

Posted by: Mohaski at March 10, 2009 7:57 PM

I'm not really on either side of this question. I mean, let's face it, penises are really silly looking. They're not impressive unless they are, you know, IMPRESSIVE, and most look like sad noodles when flaccid. It's just not an interesting sight. And most men, when completely naked, look ridiculous. Give me just shirtless, or only undies on, and I'm happy. Completely naked? they look too vulnerable. Not sexy.

To me, anyways.

Posted by: figgy at March 10, 2009 8:17 PM

SaBrina- Oh, of course. I never actually saw the movie, so whether or not Mrs (Ms? Miss?) Bates even showed her ass was unknown to me, so I made a guess.
And my sincerest apologies for getting your name wrong, I can't believe I've revealed myself as an outsider yet again. :p

Posted by: Erin S at March 10, 2009 8:17 PM

Oh, except for David Beckham, because that man has an ass sculpted by the gods.

Yow.

Posted by: figgy at March 10, 2009 8:20 PM

I suppose I need to weigh in since I am one of the resident experts on male ass here at Pajiba. In fact, I consider myself a connoisseur of man-derriere, a Rumpologist, if you will. Unfortunately, in my line of expertise, as in The Facts of Life, when you take the good, you've got to take the bad. In fact, you take them both, and there you have...my following suggestions for funked up trunks on men in the movies:

1. Rob Schneider in "The Hot Chick"
2. Geoffrey Rush in "Quills"
3. Jack Nicholson in "Someone Like you"
4. The Guy With the Singing Asshole in "Pink Flamingos"
5. Ned Beatty in "Deliverance"

And for the record, I happen to like Seth Rogen's butt in "Knocked Up." It may have been the only redeeming quality in that shitstorm of a movie.

Posted by: The Pink Hulk at March 10, 2009 8:22 PM

Please, please, please never bring up this movie Deliverance again. It makes my whole body cringe.

Posted by: Cindy at March 10, 2009 8:27 PM

However...

The most nauseating scene of male ass had to have occurred in the episode "The Man, The Myth, the Viagra" from Season 2 of "Sex and the City" when Samantha sleeps with a much, much, much older man and she finds that while the little blue pill can make him member turgid, it does nothing for his saggy old man ass.

Blech.

Posted by: The Pink Hulk at March 10, 2009 8:33 PM

WORD figgy.
Word.

Posted by: Squeeziee at March 10, 2009 8:45 PM

Gah, yes, Pink Hulk. Thanks for reminding me. Now I'm all queasy.

Posted by: figgy at March 10, 2009 8:53 PM

Always with the negativity accentuation, figgy.

Posted by: Jay at March 10, 2009 9:02 PM

Posted by: Erin S at March 10, 2009 8:17 PM

Hah, don't worry about it. Getting my name wrong isn't exactly restricted to you. It really just reinforces my outsiderness, since everyone thinks I'm Sarina. Nobody thinks she's me.

Posted by: SaBrina at March 10, 2009 9:47 PM

YOU COWS NEED SOME TOMMY LEE, OR GLEN QUAGMIRE?

Posted by: pasadenamike at March 10, 2009 9:56 PM

"saggy old man ass."
---
*Stands with back to mirror, drops pants*

Yep, 51 and still fabulous. But a sight reserved for Mrs. Daddy. Sorry, ladies!

*Pulls up pants*

Posted by: bucdaddy at March 10, 2009 10:00 PM

I use way too many commas.

,,,,,,

Posted by: figgy at March 10, 2009 10:44 PM

I don't care what any of you say. I need pictures. I don't remember ANY of these unfortunate ass-sposures. ALso, the new comments format cuts things off on the right hand side.

Posted by: AM at March 10, 2009 11:02 PM

Man, for someone who visits this movie review site at least once a day (especially when there's a looming stats exam the next morning), I have seen almost NO MOVIES. Not a single ass on the list or comments have mine eyes had the pleasure of beholding. Except Beckham, because - thanks Stacey.

Posted by: dsbs at March 10, 2009 11:13 PM

figgy,

You can use a million of them, and they don't cost a cent, is my explanation.

Posted by: bucdaddy at March 11, 2009 12:03 AM

commas, for, everyone!

Posted by: figgy at March 11, 2009 1:51 AM

Ken Davitian opened a hot dog place over in Van Nuys. It's really good and he has been there 2 of the 3 times I was. Nice guy.

In addition, every ass in the movie Orgazmo is unfortunate and wrong...JUST WRONG....every time you are about to see nekkid women parts you see Ron Jeremy's ass or some other equally repulsive sphincter. I love Parker and Stone, but that's not cricket.

Posted by: Rubble44 at March 11, 2009 5:09 AM

Me, last night.

Ohhhhhhhhh, in movies. Yeah, still applies.

On sale for $29.95, somewhere on the internets.

Posted by: admin at March 11, 2009 8:57 AM

this reminds me... isn't it time for Pajiba' Annual Bangalicious Celebs???

Posted by: jasper at March 11, 2009 9:33 AM

I think we did that in July.

Posted by: Jay at March 11, 2009 10:42 AM

Michael Douglass in Basic Instinct. It looked like an 80 year old man's ass. Don't aske me how I know, just trust me.

Posted by: rose at March 11, 2009 3:17 PM

I don't know why, but I can't forget all the shots of old guy ass in "Sideways." In particular, M.C. Gainey's was pretty horrible.

Posted by: Melissa at March 11, 2009 3:18 PM

I like the Pink Hulk's list. And here's another vote for Seth Rogen's ass being highly tappable. And also, a vote for low standards. God bless 'em, every one!

Posted by: The Wandering Parakeet at March 11, 2009 8:18 PM

Did NO ONE else see Harvey Keitel in 'Bad Lieutenant'?
I had to take a long shower after that mess....

Posted by: Pete at March 12, 2009 3:52 PM

Unfortunate Female Nudity might actually be Alpha and Omega at Tara Reid's Dessert Plate Sized Areoli.

Posted by: Stacy D at March 16, 2009 8:53 PM

how about that angry guy who ran out of his house in SIDEWAYS ? I laughed then threw up in my mouth a bit.

Posted by: bubblegumshoe at March 31, 2009 3:06 PM

Alan Tudyk in A Knight's Tale.

No thanks.

Posted by: chayes at April 23, 2009 7:35 PM

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The Five Most Unfortunate Incidents of Cinematic Rear Male Nudity

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