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Tick Tock. Get Up. The Five Most Inexplicable Teen Sensations

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Seriously Random Lists | Comments (96)

colormebaddij2.jpg

If you actually look at the full history of dumb, flash-in-a-pan, huge selling teen sensations, when you start to compare them all, you’ll actually realize — relatively speaking — how good bands like New Kids on the Block, The Backstreet Boys, and Hanson were. Hell, even ‘N Sync could be considered redeemable when put up against the five worst teen sensations of all time. Here they are (and before you start yelling, “But I loved, ‘Wake Me Up (Before You Go Go),’ take a listen to the attached Wham video. The New Kids’ “Right Stuff” is like “The Beatles” in comparison).


5. Wham

4. Shaun Cassidy

3. The Jonas Brothers


2. Color Me Bad


1. Hannah Montana







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Comments

For some reason, Youtube isn't blocked at my office today.

I wish it was.

Posted by: TK at April 10, 2009 12:03 PM

And it's Color Me BADD.

The extra "D" for dumb fucking douchetards.

Or something like that.

Posted by: antietam at April 10, 2009 12:08 PM

We actually had that CMB CD in our house... it was one of the first ones my brother purchased when he got his first CD player.. That one along with C&C Music Factory.

I will say I am quite impressed with how they sounded performing live, so I guess that's something. Plus, I think the oversized jacket with 1 colored sleeve thing should totally come back in style.

Posted by: shel at April 10, 2009 12:10 PM

Sad as it may be, teen sensations aren't that inexplicable: their brains merely aren't fully formed yet (and some adults never complete the transformation). I should know -- I try to teach literature and writing and grammar and spelling in a public urban high school. If it's shiny, moderately attractive, shows a bit of skin, or has a beat they can dance to, they like it. I'm telling you, Shakespeare and coordinating conjunctions just can't compete.

Posted by: Ariel at April 10, 2009 12:13 PM

Shaun Cassidy was my first concert. Jealous?

Posted by: Lainey at April 10, 2009 12:15 PM

Whatever, Wham Rap squashes Wake Me Up like a grape. A case has not been made. And don't forget Young Guns. How many other pretty boys had George's flow, huh? Wham! does NOT belong here.

Posted by: Jay at April 10, 2009 12:16 PM

Holy fuck, I didn't even address the notion that the New Kids were better than Wham! ?!?!?!

Posted by: Jay at April 10, 2009 12:18 PM

You need a bigger list and you need to go further back in history if you're going to get to the root of the problem instead of its momentary symptoms.

Posted by: Recondite at April 10, 2009 12:19 PM

No, no, no. Take Wham off that list. And they had some other great stuff, AND George Michael kicked ass on his own.

Posted by: Cindy at April 10, 2009 12:19 PM

Also, if you raise your children to be thin-skinned pussies, this is the logical conclusion of what they will end up listening to.

Posted by: Recondite at April 10, 2009 12:21 PM

How could I have NOT noticed that Wham was gayer than 5 gay guys watching Top Gun will always trouble me.

Was there EVER a Color Me-Badd craze?

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at April 10, 2009 12:21 PM

I don't think Dustin does enjoy what he does, but he doesn't stop, he just stays there and rots. He bitterly knows George is right. Thus, the lashing out. Hey, call him good, call him bad, call him anything you want to, baby. George just wants to free your mind.

Posted by: Jay at April 10, 2009 12:22 PM

Wham? WHAM?!

HOW DARE YOU!

Fie upon you, sir, FIE!

Posted by: figgy at April 10, 2009 12:23 PM

George just wants to free your mind.

And blow you in the bathroom.

Posted by: Snath at April 10, 2009 12:23 PM

And blow you in the bathroom.

Hey, if you wanna do it, do it right. Do it with George.

Posted by: Jay at April 10, 2009 12:29 PM

I think Dustin just enjoys getting the rise.

Posted by: Cindy at April 10, 2009 12:30 PM

I think Dustin just enjoys getting the rise.

George enjoys it too.

Posted by: Snath at April 10, 2009 12:32 PM

Is the Color Me Badd band member in the glasses coming to kill me?

Posted by: Julie at April 10, 2009 12:32 PM

You have to delve deeper and go further back to find the root of the lameness. I submit for your consideration: David Cassidy (also the Partridge Family); Leif Garrett; The Monkees (also Davey Jones); Bobby Sherman. Should I admit that I adored Bobby Sherman as a child? I watched Here Come The Brides without fail. I had his album. I can still sing all the words to "Julie, Do Ya Love Me". I need help.

Posted by: slower lower at April 10, 2009 12:35 PM

I made up an alternate version of Wham!'s "Careless Whispers" when my older sister was getting her ears pierced. Featuring the hook, "I'm never gonna hear again"...

I post this only because it's Friday and I stopped giving a shit about three hours ago.

Posted by: antietam at April 10, 2009 12:35 PM

No mention of the Bay City Rollers? They are a must on every list of teen idols, good, bad, and utterly frigging hilarious.

And yeah, I agree with slower lower--where are the original tv show bands?

Posted by: frumpiefox at April 10, 2009 12:41 PM

There was NEVER anything remotely resembling a "sensation" with Color Me-Badd, people. They had ONE shitty song, ONE!

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at April 10, 2009 12:42 PM

Thank you all for coming this Wham! intervention. Let me start by saying that this comes from a place of love.

Posted by: branded at April 10, 2009 12:42 PM

Wham Rules! It's too late for me to think any differently. I don't even need to watch that video because I'm singing the song in my head right now.

Posted by: katy at April 10, 2009 12:43 PM

Lil Wayne.

I can let the electrified phonograph set to hip beats slide. I have to wonder, though, does the world see him? Can he really be? This sex symbol, challenger to the throne, chronic chart topper uses a voice synthesizer in every performance, looks like a gilded gremlin, and dresses like we're the fools for putting pants on over our underwear.

Posted by: Jackseppelin at April 10, 2009 12:43 PM

Finally! It's taken me almost 30 years to find someone who agrees that Wham! were an awful boy band beloved only by young girls too innocent to know what cottaging was.

George Michael's subsequent career was a pleasant surprise (although not my cup of tea musically) and Andrew Ridgely's adorable marriage to the Bananarama chick on the organic farm notwithstanding, they were in their time a boy band.

Could we now move on to dispel the myth that Madonna was anything more than the PussyCat Doll of her day when she premiered? Thank you.

Posted by: PaddyDog at April 10, 2009 12:43 PM

Bay City Rollers were banned in my house because my mother read that they were Protestants from the Ibrox who supported Glasgow Rangers. We were the only children on the block who didn't have BCR socks.

Posted by: PaddyDog at April 10, 2009 12:45 PM

Somebody tell me why I work so hard for you, Paddy.

Posted by: Jay at April 10, 2009 12:47 PM

looks like a gilded gremlin

Hahaha, that is the best phrase I've heard all week!

Posted by: frumpiefox at April 10, 2009 12:47 PM

Ok, so Wham Rap may be embarrassingly bad--I couldn't bring myself to watch the video--but Wham was so much more than a teen pop sensation. Careless Whispers is one of the best songs, ever!

And yes, of course, I have Make It Big on vinyl.

Oh, and Jay is right, George went on to a very successful solo career.

Posted by: tamatha at April 10, 2009 12:49 PM

Oh Lord, the Bay City Rollers. I skated to S A TUR DAY, Night! every week as a teenager. Nice addition, Frumpiefox

Posted by: slower lower at April 10, 2009 12:50 PM

beloved only by young girls too innocent to know what cottaging was.

I'm 39 and I have no idea what "cottaging" is. I like that now I can call myself innocent though. This pleases me.

Posted by: Lainey at April 10, 2009 12:52 PM

Ashley Angel from O-Town! Ashley Angel from O-Town!

Posted by: Lucas at April 10, 2009 12:53 PM

I'm 39 and I have no idea what "cottaging" is. I like that now I can call myself innocent though. This pleases me.

I'm almost 29, and I have no idea as well. We can go sit in the corner with our frilly socks and dollies and be blissfully unaware.


Posted by: Julie at April 10, 2009 12:56 PM

I can't believe you imply that the horrid backstreet boys were better that Wham! They were awful, with all their silly little moves mimicking the lyrics... argh. George was 1000% more macho than any of them...
Most American boy bands were awful. The Brits ruled in this case...

Posted by: gio at April 10, 2009 12:59 PM

Ah Jay:

Where would you be without me? Who else knows what you're talking about when you point out the blurred street sign halfway through the video for "Vienna" that reveals to the few perspicacious among us that Ultravox actually saved money by shooting in Covent Garden????

Posted by: PaddyDog at April 10, 2009 12:59 PM

Yeah! what the hell is "cotttaging"?

Does it involve improper use of cottage cheese as a lubricating agent?

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at April 10, 2009 1:00 PM

No idea what cottaging is?

So I assume none of you have followed George Michael in the post-Wham years then?

Posted by: PaddyDog at April 10, 2009 1:01 PM

People are seriously coming to Wham!'s defense? That is both bizarre and troubling because, you know, they were pretty awful.

Posted by: TK at April 10, 2009 1:02 PM

Wow these douce tards were bad! One question, why isn't Poison on here?

Posted by: George at April 10, 2009 1:02 PM

"Cottaging" is when you build a cottage in Civilization IV instead of a farm or mine. It eventually grows into village-town-city, and sacrifices food or industrial production in exchange for monetary production.

I never knew boy bands were into strategy games!

Posted by: Steven Lloyd Wilson at April 10, 2009 1:02 PM

slower lower, Am I married to you? I thought I had all my wives accounted for.

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at April 10, 2009 1:04 PM

All of us ladies of a certain age were pressed from the same mold, TCFKAB. Now that we've had a week of pandering to the geriatrics, I can peak my nose out of the closet around here. But if you ever convert to old school Mormon, let me know.

Posted by: slower lower at April 10, 2009 1:09 PM

True story: a friend of mine was in a horrible car accident in the late 1980s. The driver and two other passengers were killed. When my friend came to after blacking out, the car radio was playing "Careless Whisper" and the severed head of her friend was lying on the pavement staring at her. To this day, if we are in a public place and that song is played we have to ferry her very quickly to the exit before she freaks out.

Posted by: PaddyDog at April 10, 2009 1:11 PM

Jesus god almighty Paddy, your poor friend! That would fuck me up forever.

Posted by: Julie at April 10, 2009 1:14 PM

You know, I didn't WANT to be earwormed by CMB today. But now it's happened and I will inexplicably be whispering "Tick tock, you don't stop" randomly throughout the day.

The Kenny G looking member always cracked me the fuck up, by the way. None of them were exactly model-worthy, but that guy was like the anti-sexy. Kind of like gorilla-faced Danny from NKOTB.

Posted by: Sharon at April 10, 2009 1:18 PM

Oooh, know what I really want to hear now???

"Poison" by Bel Biv Devoe. I seriously fucking loved them! Ooooh, I miss 6th grade.

Posted by: Sharon at April 10, 2009 1:19 PM

I think Wham is awesome. I am also a chronic bed-wetter.

Posted by: logar at April 10, 2009 1:19 PM

Oooh, know what I really want to hear now???

"Poison" by Bel Biv Devoe. I seriously fucking loved them! Ooooh, I miss 6th grade.

I believe that every time someone mentions that song, we are contractually obligated to post this particular piece of awesome.

Posted by: TK at April 10, 2009 1:24 PM

guilty of the "shaun cassidy" love....and i must tell you, i haven't seen hide or hair of him since this morning (that's over 30 years!!!)....and frankly, i'm a little grossed out. thanks a bunch! asshole.

Posted by: maxpurr9 at April 10, 2009 1:25 PM

Hee - I'm just remembering that I was SO oblivious as a teenager. My mom's work had at least 15 openly gay, super flaming adults who were really awesome to me when no one else was during those oh so dramatic times...and yet...I never figured MUSICIANS to be gay or anything sexual at all (except that vague concept of 'dreamy').

I thought Boy George was just a really creative guy with 'wild' fashion sense. I thought it was fully normal. God, grunge was SO depressing to live through after the 80's.

Posted by: replica at April 10, 2009 1:28 PM

I don't know their names, but is there a subcategory for the music played in every cartoon in the mid 70s to mid 80s? Scooby Doo, Jabberjaw, Speed Buggy, Josie and the Pussycats, Archie, the one with the Wolfman, Dracula and Frankenstein-they all had musical numbers in every show that could make your ears bleed.

Posted by: Mrcreosote at April 10, 2009 1:28 PM

People are seriously coming to Wham!'s defense?

Oh you're older now and you're a clever swine, but I was the only one who stood by you on the Beautiful South.

Ungrateful!

And yes, dammit, I'm still smarting over the idea that "had one commercial hit" means "not a good band", cause that's not what we were talking about!!!!

SOOOOOOmeboooody tell MEEEE....won't you TELL ME!

Posted by: Jay at April 10, 2009 1:29 PM

Oh, wow, now there's a horribly depressing diversion we need to have--songs/movies totally ruined by the horrible experiences that you associate with them. I have one that isn't quite as bad as yours, PaddyDog, but it's close.

When I was in college, a boyfriend and I were watching "The Royal Tennenbaums," and during the scene where whatshisface is cutting his wrists to "Needle in the Hay," one of my best friends knocked on the door, and comes in bawling. She had just been contacted by the police because her father had shot and killed her brother, and then himself. Holy, crap was there a scramble to find the remote and shut off that scene/song.

Posted by: frumpiefox at April 10, 2009 1:35 PM

I've only heard one of those songs and it's Color Me Badd. Ah, to be eleven years
old and singing about sexing someone up again.

Also, I don't know what 'cottaging' is either. Should I be afraid to Google it?

Posted by: Jeni at April 10, 2009 1:40 PM

but I was the only one who stood by you on the Beautiful South.

Wrong!

Posted by: Cindy at April 10, 2009 1:50 PM

(Dammit, you'll water down my shame, Cindy!)

Posted by: Jay at April 10, 2009 1:55 PM

Shall we dance again in our special way?

Posted by: Cindy at April 10, 2009 2:02 PM

frumpiefox:

That's horrible. I often wondered if there were other such stories and if the harmless playing of a song in a film or on the radio was causing someone immense pain.

Posted by: PaddyDog at April 10, 2009 2:05 PM

Wham! are responisble for my annual dread of christmas season. For that, they deserve to die!

Posted by: FabMax at April 10, 2009 2:07 PM

Poison was playing while I was in the shower this morning, and I totally did the Turk Dance.

Posted by: Julie at April 10, 2009 2:10 PM

Umm... Does anyone here actually like Wham, MORE, because of that rap?! That's my jam now!

And yes I'm being serious.

Posted by: Gnaius at April 10, 2009 2:11 PM

It sounds like Jeremy's got his trousers round his knees, Cindy! Don't know if Paul Young was present though.

I totally did the Turk Dance.

You hurt yourself when you're not all slick and slippery. Jesus, woman!

Posted by: Jay at April 10, 2009 2:14 PM

How did David Cassidy not make the list?

Posted by: Hurp Durp at April 10, 2009 2:17 PM

I'm telin ya, Gnaius.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B3Q-8jtLIvc

Yeah, Bad Boys is good too.

I posited a little while ago that "Wham Rap" and "Young Guns" were just different versions of "Nite Klub" and "Too Much, Too Young" by The Specials. All legitimate socio-political pop, one was just...gayer.

Doot-doot-doot Doo-doo! Whoot Whoot!

Posted by: Jay at April 10, 2009 2:18 PM

Yeah, PaddyDog, I had wondered the same thing myself.

Sheesh, I have made myself depressed on a Friday afternoon. As it turns out, that is a totally terrible idea for a diversion. Excuse me, I have to go listen to "SATURDAY Night" and get happy again....

Posted by: frumpiefox at April 10, 2009 2:19 PM

I may have to turn in my Pajibacard for this, especially since I went on a full-tilt rant the other day about the Evil Empire and Miley Cyrus, but: I don't think the Hannah Montana rage is all that inexplicable. The show is "The Osbournes" for tweener girls.

Let me explain:

Old Hollywood lie: Anyone (YOU!) can be a star! (Still maintained by "American Idol" and its ilk.)

New Hollywood lie: The stars are just like anyone (YOU)! When Ozzy puts down the microphone, when Miley takes off the wig, by golly! They're just like anyone in my neighborhood! They have the same problems and hassles that I do!

Well, that's absolute bullshit, of course, though I suppose the first lie is the worse, having led millions of talent-free but impressionable idiots (or at least their misguided dreams) to their doom (while a lucky handful, of course, DID make it big).

Doesn't mean the new lie gets a pass, though. In hauling the stars down to our level, in the democratization of stardom, the new lie makes them not quite stars anymore, doesn't it? And if there are no stars, what is there to wish upon, to reach for, once you've seen Ozzy in his underwear? (Well, maybe Miley in HER underwear ...)

The new reality is that the old lie has come true as the new lie, but I'd say we're far worse off for it. Time was when any idiot could dream of being a star. Now, thanks to YouTube etc., any idiot CAN be a star ...

Yikes, and you thought that time-travel plot was complicated ... I need a nap.

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at April 10, 2009 2:26 PM

How did David Cassidy not make the list?
Posted by: Hurp Durp at April 10, 2009 2:17 PM

Because I think I love him. But, what am I so afraid of? I'm afraid that I'm not sure of a love there is no cure for.

Posted by: Lainey at April 10, 2009 2:27 PM

Whatever, in the end we give far too much attention and worship in some cases to actors, musicians, athletes etc. I especially hate all the fawning over actors and actresses since it gets harder for me to see a particular actor/actress in a role thanks to the over-saturation of stars.

Oh look Tom Cruise is jumping on a couch. Say hello to Britney's vag. James Woods is a dick conservative. Tim Robbins is a dick liberal.

At this point I don't want to know jack shit about any actors/actresses anymore it ruins my viewing pleasures.

Posted by: Hurp Durp at April 10, 2009 2:32 PM

P.S. I didn't mean to insinuate I'd see Britney Spears as a bonafide actress in this life or the next.

Posted by: Hurp Durp at April 10, 2009 2:33 PM

You bitches leave my Shaun Cassidy alone!!! Damn you, you rape every other teenhood and childhood memory, leave him be!!!!

Posted by: lateformyfuneral at April 10, 2009 2:46 PM

I like to tempt fate, Jay.

Posted by: Julie at April 10, 2009 2:47 PM

I have "I Wanna Sex You Up" on a CD in my car. A favorite thing to do is roll down the windows and crank that song very loudly as I drive around town running errands. When people stare I just nod at them like I know they're jealous that I'm bumping to CMB. My husband thinks I'm crazy.

Posted by: Pinky McLadybits at April 10, 2009 2:51 PM

I think the new 'Rick rolled' should be 'Wham rapped'. Despite my continued love for Wham, that video is pretty awful.

Posted by: katy at April 10, 2009 3:31 PM

How about Tiffany? She sang in malls, for fuck's sakes, and the only hit she had was a terrible remake of another one-hit wonder. And yet 20 years later, they're making a documentary about her stalkers?

I still enjoy the guilty pleasure of Wham! (particularly I'm Your Man - very catchy)

And I third the love for the Beautiful South, and the Housemartins, and anything else that Paul Heaton touched.

Posted by: Treena at April 10, 2009 3:48 PM

When I was a teenager, my musical tastes ran to Queen, and The Specials (can't believe a fellow Atlantan knows who *they* are) and The Police. The summer before I started college, I worked on a US Navy base, and all the cool older sailors (who would have been all of 19 or 21 to my 17) told me I'd have to give that shit up, and advised me to start listening to college music so I could fit in.

Their recommendations? Air Supply. Chris Cross.

To this day, I don't think they were fucking with me. I think they were really trying to be helpful.

Posted by: Wednesday at April 10, 2009 4:19 PM

can't believe a fellow Atlantan knows who *they* are

Well I did go to UGA. It was certainly eye-opening learning what "Little Bitch" really was, aka "that song in 'Sixteen Candles'". Took some more time to have the conversation "Wild Sex In The Working Class? I've never heard that" "Yes you have".

Posted by: Jay at April 10, 2009 4:46 PM

I hated Wham. I still cannot listen to "Wake me up..." It is just too annoying. George-Michael's solo career is somewhat better, but I still giggle at the line in Careless Whisper that "guilty feet have got no rhythm."

I could not get more than 30-45 seconds into those videos before I had to shut them off. Well, the JB one ran longer since the actual singing didn't start until about one minute in. I realize that I am being inconsistent, though. I adored David Cassidy and Bobby Sherman. God, I'm old.

Posted by: rlr260 at April 10, 2009 5:01 PM

This is some truly awful shit.

Posted by: Mick J at April 10, 2009 5:34 PM

I let my kids listen to The White Stripes, goddamit.

Posted by: Janey at April 10, 2009 5:46 PM

I still wanna know what "cottaging" is or else I'm going to go with Steven's answer.

But I think bucdaddy had the progression of teen sensations down cold. Sad. Too damn sad, and remember this extends into reading material as well. Twilight anyone?

Ariel's right. Shiny and pretty does it.

Posted by: Four Eyes at April 10, 2009 6:07 PM

What purpose did Andrew Ridgeley serve?

Posted by: douglasfactors at April 10, 2009 6:13 PM

cottaging is cruising public bathrooms for sex, in england.

gives new meaning to "cottage cheese" now, don't it?

Posted by: gp at April 10, 2009 7:01 PM

Ah came here to do two fings. Drive vans...and have sex wif men. An we're oll outta vans.

Let's do viss!

Posted by: Jay at April 10, 2009 7:11 PM

I felt badly for Simon le Bon getting sick. Sounded like a hell of a party, Jay.

Posted by: Cindy at April 10, 2009 8:02 PM

Thanks TK, that just never gets old.

Posted by: MG at April 10, 2009 8:04 PM

Damn straight, Four Eyes! I spend 6.5 hours five days a week with 'em. I'm amazed my taste in music hasn't deteriorated.

Posted by: Ariel at April 10, 2009 10:14 PM

How could you miss Jeremy Jordan, or as Donna Martin would say...

"Jeremy Jordan....alriiiight."

Posted by: The Pink Hulk at April 11, 2009 2:28 AM

Ew I almost got forced to see the Hannah Montana Movie (uh where's the movie review guys?!) by my mentee and one of her friends. Fortunately I managed to weasel my way out of it because I put my foot down so completely (basically, no I'm not going to see that with you AT ALL). I'll let you guys @ Pajiba suffer through that torturous viewing. I might have to see Seventeen Again with her though (at some point they'll be a rainy day here in SF unfortunately)...thanks a lot stupid fuckin' Zac Efron...you and your perfectly manicured hair can go to hell and DIE!

Posted by: ph at April 11, 2009 9:52 PM

Posted by: Chugga at April 12, 2009 8:23 AM

ROBIN SPARKLES!!!

(don't forget tha robot!)

Posted by: gp at April 12, 2009 1:26 PM

If there's any question in your mind about the Wham debate, just watch this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AcUd1pB8UPQ

Posted by: iheartlasagne at April 12, 2009 10:53 PM

I once recorded in a studio run by the dude that wrote "I Wanna Sex You Up." He lives in Oklahoma City (or did aboug 6 or 7 years ago). Nice fella.

Posted by: Mattfactor at April 13, 2009 12:07 AM

*about. What the hey?

Posted by: Mattfactor at April 13, 2009 12:08 AM

I agree with Jay; That WHAM is on this list is clearly an error. Its not even worth the effort and shame of making a case/debating the issue. Perhaps the list maker is eating lotus leaves or just lacks the perspective and judgment to notice the horror in grouping the CHOOSE LIFE mavericks with Color Me Badd and the other abortions on that list.
somebody just fucked up. right?
GO young guns!!
(just stay away from public toilets, player)

FULLSTOP

Posted by: asf at April 20, 2009 12:47 AM

what's so inexplicable about jonas and miley as teen sensations?

Posted by: dan at May 31, 2009 2:35 AM


















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