January 27, 2009 | Comments ()

By Dustin Rowles | Seriously Random Lists | January 27, 2009 |


Yesterday, I noticed somewhere over on Digg that some sexually insecure guy who slams gays and plasters his website with women in French Maid outfits had gotten a list of the “10 Sexiest Celebrity Female Lips” front-paged (I make lists! Goddamnit, I’ve never been frontpaged. Digg hates me!) Anyway, I thought: Eff that. Any old carrot stick with disproportionately sized biceps (*throat clear*) can put that list together. So, I’m going to put together a list of the Five Least Sexiest Celebrity Female Lips. You know: Because any twatter with an anti-geek complex and an unhealthy crush on Deadpool can put together this list. What’s glorious about it, however, is just how many of you will take it seriously enough to call my ass out for missing some starletard with wrinkly smoochers. But that’s the joy of these lists — if I didn’t miss a few obvious choices, you’d have nothing to bitch about.

So, here’s those lips.

5. Megan Fox: She was number two on that other list, but come on: They may work in the context of certain films, but in real life, they’re kind of distracting, right? I suppose if you’re actually into inflatable dolls, then Megan Fox is your girl.

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4. Meg Ryan: She just used to be so insanely cute, you know? And had she allowed age to do its work, naturally, she’d still be insanely cute, just five years older. This? Well, she’d make a great backup singer for Hootie.

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3. Nikki Cox: I don’t really know who this person is; she’s married to Jay Mohr, and used to be a model, I believe. I probably never would’ve known her, either, had she not done this unspeakably malicious act to her face. Once again, folks: This is why cosmetic surgery is not your friend.

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2. Scarlett Johansson: I dated a girl once who had lips very similar to Scarlett’s — poor girl couldn’t keep her drool in her mouth, and it tended to pool around my chin while we were making out. Good times. I’ll grant that they have a certain aesthetic presence, but there’s too much lip here — this is why she mumbles. Her words have too much space to travel — by the time they make it to the precipice of her bottom lip, they just kind of fall out, defatigably. And honestly, I don’t know what the obsession with big, voluptuous smackers is — just because a starletard has blow job lips doesn’t mean she’s actually going to give you a blow job, you know? That’s not the way it works. And just because her husband has perfectly sculpted abs, it doesn’t mean you get to touch them. I mean, not unless you violate that restraining order. Again.


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1. Cameron Diaz: I’m sorry — I don’t like to be a mean and ugly person, even if we’re referring to celebrifucks. That’s why I quit WIMB. My conscience couldn’t deal. But I don’t feel so bad here, by virtue of the fact that Cameron Diaz may be the most obnoxious person on the face of the Earth. And those lips! And the way she always looks over her shoulder and pouts. It’s unnerving. And when she gives that big, Charlie’s Angels grin, it’s like her mouth is being pulled apart by fish-hooks. But I’ll grant this: If Christopher Nolan wants to bring back the Joker in the third installment, he could do worse than Diaz.

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The Five Least Sexiest Celebrity Female Lips

A Seriously Random List XLIX / Dustin Rowles

Seriously Random Lists | January 27, 2009 | Comments ()



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