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The Last Man (Not Yorick)

A Seriously Random List / Steven Lloyd Wilson

Seriously Random Lists | November 17, 2009 | Comments (27)

“The Last … Mumble Mumble” is just about its own entire sub genre of cinema and literature. Call it supply and demand, but “the last” of just about anything is going to be awesome by default. Bud Light is only good for watering your lawn, but the last Bud Light? Well that should be saved for watering the square foot of your lawn that you hate the most.

There’s even the sub genre of the sub genre (sub² genre²?): “The Last (Dude of Some Kind).” And strangely, the movies in that strange little classification are overwhelmingly good compared to the average quality of movies. Of course, most films produced are pornography, Michael Bay films, or both, so the average film has the mental capacity of a patient whose atomic syphilis went untreated for the last thirty years.

Presented in a meticulously derived order calculated with an algorithm known only to a secret cabal within the NSA:

The Last of the Mohicans

The Last Samurai

The Last King of Scotland

The Last Starfighter

The Last Emperor

The Last Boy Scout

Of course, this is all an elaborate set up for a bar joke, perhaps the worst bar joke ever devised by a whiskey-addled mind. It’s so lame that it once snapped a priest’s mind, sending him streaking through a convent, wearing only his Roman collar (and not around his neck). By posting it online, there is a serious risk that its lameness might kill more brain cells than Saturday morning cartoons, cable news, and that horrifying old lady who talks candidly about sex late at night on my television, combined together into the Voltron of neural death.

So, the last Mohican, the last samurai, the last king of Scotland, the last starfighter, the last emperor, and the last boy scout walk into a bar and the bartender says … “Sorry, the last call was ten minutes ago.”

Thank you! Tip your waitresses, I’ll be here all week!


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Comments

I watch 'Mohicans' for 2 things:
1) The beautiful wilderness in which is is filmed. I mean really, wow.
2) Daniel Day Lewis' flowing man-locks and buttocks. Once again. Wow. Just wow.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 17, 2009 2:07 PM

The Last Post by Steven Lloyd Wilson.

He was killed by a rampaging horde of groaners.

Posted by: figgy at November 17, 2009 2:08 PM

The Last Temptation of Christ's Tempting Temptress: The puddening.

Posted by: admin at November 17, 2009 2:11 PM

THE LAST DRAGON. Damn your eyes.

Am I the greatest? Sho-Nuff!
Am I the baddest? Sho-Nuff!
Am I the prettiest mofo yo ever seen? SHO-NUFF!

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at November 17, 2009 2:23 PM

The Last True Action Hero!

Just kidding. That movie was terrible. But, Arnold.

Posted by: figgy at November 17, 2009 2:26 PM

er, I meant The Last Action Hero, of course.

Posted by: figgy at November 17, 2009 2:27 PM

The last supper

Posted by: curmudgeon at November 17, 2009 2:34 PM

DRAGON!!!!!!!

Posted by: Jay at November 17, 2009 2:39 PM

The Last Beer:

Back in the 1970's there was an ad campaign for Schlitz that went, "When you're out of Schlitz, you're out of beer."

Hubby and his friends went to a pub and took a large table in the back because there were about 10 of them. There was a table of businessmen at the only other table in the back, right next to them. Hubby and friends tried to decide which brand of beer they wanted to get a pitcher of. One of the guys said that he had a mathematical proof that "When you're out of Schlitz, you're out of beer."

The businessmen at the next table got real quiet to listen.

1. Given: You have a refridgerator full of every kind of beer in the world.
2. Naturally, you're going to drink the good beer first.
3. Given, Schlitz is the worst beer in the world.
4. Naturally, you're going to drink Schlitz last.
5. So, "When you're out of Schlitz, you're out of beer."

QED

The men at the next table got up and yelled at hubby's table. Apparently, they were Schlitz distributers. Who knew?

Posted by: BWeaves at November 17, 2009 2:41 PM

Bweaves--any of these friends single? I could get seriously turned on by any guy who combines beer with mathematical proofs.

I hope hubby yelled back. This is America, we're allowed to complain about shitty beer!

Posted by: DeadBessie at November 17, 2009 2:53 PM

I know nothing is so obscure that some other Pajiban isn't aware of it/in love with it, but I will be gobsmacked if anyone else remembers Last of the Red Hot Dragons.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at November 17, 2009 2:56 PM

The last 20 minutes or so of Last Of The Mohicans is one of the best last 20 minutes of any movie. The soundtrack is phenomenal and all the minor characters who have been hanging around in the background (the brother, sister and, most of all, the father) or who have been a complete asshole (the English dude) all of a sudden have amazing scenes while the two leads, more or less, stand on the sidelines.

I love it.

Posted by: Forbiddendonut at November 17, 2009 2:58 PM

There was a joke there somewhere?

Oooooooh.....

/slams head against desk

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at November 17, 2009 2:58 PM

Best. Joke. Ever.

I am so telling my friends.

Posted by: Tra at November 17, 2009 3:21 PM

If you like mathematical proofs and beer, then this proof's for you! Next time you're drinking with your buddies, bet them that you have a . . .

Mathematical Proof that Women are Evil.

1. Given: T = M (Time is Money)
2. Given: W = T x M (Women require Time and Money)
3. Substitute M for T: W = M2 (Women = Money squared)
--I can't get the 2 to be a superscript.
4. Given: M = \/E (Money is the root of all Evil)
--That's supposed to be a square root symbol.
5. Substitute the root of E in for M. W = (\/E)2 (Women = [square root of Evil]squared)
6. The square root and the squared cancel each other out.
7. W = E (Women are Evil)

QED

Posted by: BWeaves at November 17, 2009 3:36 PM

Oh, BWeaves...even if all of us already HADN'T gotten that e-mail forward, the joke would have been completely lost by your inability to write it out with correct mathematic symbols.

Explaining a joke = Joke isn't funny.

Posted by: superasente at November 17, 2009 4:19 PM

Oh man, BWeaves, that proof was all the rage in 8th grade. Memories...

Posted by: esme at November 17, 2009 4:23 PM

Yeah, I agree.

Posted by: BWeaves at November 17, 2009 4:31 PM

Fuck you Rowles. Yorick's picture got me really excited. I hope you can sleep at night knowing you crushed my very pathetic and short lived dreams.

Posted by: buttercup at November 17, 2009 4:46 PM

Yeah, I'm gonna go kinda feminist on us, but how come "the last" is always a male? As if the only precious commodity ever is a male (something). Try repopulating a species with only a male and see where that gets you. Sperms is easy to freeze for future use but I don't think they've found a replacement for a uterus, yet.

Yeah, I know, most fiction (I think, still) is written by men, so it's only natural that the protagonist be a male, but... just sayin'.

Posted by: Slash at November 17, 2009 5:52 PM

Has anyone ever noticed how all "the last fill in ethnic group" are always played by white boys? The Last Samurai staring Tom Cruise. The Last of the Mahicans staring Daniel Day Louis. At least The Last Emperor actually starred an Asia actor. Good for it.

Posted by: Morgan Lefai at November 17, 2009 8:29 PM

Repopulating a species with only females would also be challenging, Slash. Unless they're those weird sex-changing frogs:
http://www.newton.dep.anl.gov/askasci/bio99/bio99128.htm

Posted by: Odm at November 17, 2009 11:59 PM

There is a bit of a sexist conspiracy in these "The Last ..." films -- for example, why is it "Children of Men" and not "The Last Preggo"?

Posted by: Becky Sharp at November 18, 2009 6:06 AM

No love for the Last Unicorn?

To be fair I haven't seen it since I was 8 and in my mind it is still the Most Awesomest Unicorn Movie EVERRR, an illusion I have no desire to destroy by actually seeing the movie. So, if it's actually as horrible as I imagine it must be, don't tell, ya'll.

Posted by: Codger at November 18, 2009 8:45 AM

RE Morgan Lefai
"Has anyone ever noticed how all 'the last fill in ethnic group' are always played by white boys? The Last Samurai staring Tom Cruise. The Last of the Mahicans staring Daniel Day Louis. At least The Last Emperor actually starred an Asia actor."

Yeah, I noticed that, too, though to be fair, "Last of the Mohicans" is based on an old book of the same name and the title character is not white (ie, the character to whom the book's title refers is not the Day-Lewis character in the movie, though that's apparently what some people assume).

REOdm "Repopulating a species with only females would also be challenging, Slash. Unless they're those weird sex-changing frogs"

Yeah, I know. Just sayin', the "last" of whatever is often invariably identified as male. For no particular reason other than I guess we're supposed to assume that the protagonist is always male, because I guess we're automatically supposed to give a shit, just because he's a he. Which is why this particular plot has never been of much interest to me. "Last of the Mohicans" is a good movie, though. Haven't seen the others.

Posted by: Slash at November 18, 2009 11:28 AM

As long as I am promised that there is not a Y the Last Man movie coming out.... And Last of the Mohicans is sweet if only for the clubbing scene at the waterfall. Just brutal and awesome. There's a list... most brutal film moments not in a slasher or torture porn flick.....

Posted by: sammonland at November 18, 2009 12:48 PM

Fuck you Rowles. Yorick's picture got me really excited. I hope you can sleep at night knowing you crushed my very pathetic and short lived dreams.

Posted by: buttercup at November 17, 2009 4:46 PM

Same! I sat up in my chair and thought "Sweet! A Y: The Last Man story!".

Sigh.

Posted by: Daniel Hall at November 18, 2009 6:16 PM





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