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The Five Best Salesmen Characters

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Seriously Random Lists | Comments (28)

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The car salesman movie, The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard opens tomorrow, and I thought it’d be appropriate to mark the occasion by ranking cinema’s best salesmen characters. They’re not necessary the best salesmen, but they are the best salesmen characters.

5. Jim Young (Ben Affleck), Boiler Room

Sales Pitch: “There’s an important phrase that we use here, and think it’s time that you all learned it. Act ‘as if.’ You understand what that means? Act ‘as if’ you are the fucking President of this firm. Act ‘as if’ you got a 9 inch cock. Okay? Act ‘as if.’”


4. Tommy R. Calahan III (Chris Farley), Tommy Boy

Sales Pitch: “I can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking my head up a bull’s ass, but I’d rather take a butcher’s word for it. “


3. Barry (Jack Black), High Fidelity

Sales Pitch: Barry’s Customer: Hi, do you have the song “I Just Called To Say I Love You?” It’s for my daughter’s birthday.
Barry: Yeah. We have it.
Barry’s Customer: Great, Great, can I have it?
Barry: No, no, you can’t.
Barry’s Customer: Why not?
Barry: Well, it’s sentimental tacky crap. Do we look like the kind of store that sells “I Just Called to Say I Love You”? Go to the mall.



2. Randal Graves (Jeff Anderson), Clerks

Sales Pitch: “This job would be great if it wasn’t for the fucking customers.”


1. Ricky Roma (Al Pacino) and Blake (Alec Baldwin), Glengarry Glen Ross

Sales Pitch (Roma): All train compartments smell vaguely of shit. It gets so you don’t mind it. That’s the worst thing that I can confess. You know how long it took me to get there? A long time. When you die you’re going to regret the things you don’t do. You think you’re queer? I’m going to tell you something: we’re all queer. You think you’re a thief? So what? You get befuddled by a middle-class morality? Get shut of it. Shut it out. You cheat on your wife? You did it, live with it. You fuck little girls, so be it. There’s an absolute morality? Maybe. And then what? If you think there is, go ahead, be that thing. Bad people go to hell? I don’t think so. If you think that, act that way. A hell exists on earth? Yes. I won’t live in it. That’s me. [pause] You ever take a dump made you feel like you’d just slept for twelve hours?



Sales Pitch (Blake): Coffee’s for closers only.










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Comments

I don't appreciate your rouse, ma'am.

Posted by: Kevin Longrie at August 13, 2009 4:13 PM

It's a Cosby sweater. A COOOOSBY SWEATAH!

Posted by: Julie at August 13, 2009 4:15 PM

I remember when Alec Baldwin hosted Saturday Night Live for like the millionth time around Christmas, and they did a Santa-and-elves sketch based around that scene from Glengarry Glenross. Instead of "Second prize...set of steak knives", it was "Second prize...box o' candy canes." His line was supposed to be "Always....be...cobbling", and the audience cheered when he messed up and kept saying "Always...be....closing."

Posted by: scorzi at August 13, 2009 4:22 PM

Love Alan Arkin in Sunshine Cleaning:
"it's a health food snack"
"but this is a candy store"
"it's candy, and a health food, it's the best of both worlds"

Posted by: Agente Provocatrice at August 13, 2009 4:22 PM

I immediately went to number one to make sure it was Alec Baldwin in Glengarry Glen Ross, fully prepared to call shenanigans if it wasn't him. Pajiba, why do I ever doubt you?

Posted by: Krishna at August 13, 2009 4:23 PM

You forgot the father (Paul Dooly) in "Breaking Away."

REFUND! REFUND! REFUND!

Posted by: BWeaves at August 13, 2009 4:23 PM

Gordon Gecko anyone?

Posted by: jason at August 13, 2009 4:25 PM

"Rob, top five musical crimes perpetuated by Stevie Wonder in the '80s and '90s. Go. Sub-question: is it in fact unfair to criticize a formerly great artist for his latter day sins, is it better to burn out or fade away? "

I love that movie. And it's the only film where I've ever loved Jack Black. Completely.

Posted by: figgy at August 13, 2009 4:29 PM

Dear Julie,
Love you lots.
-Opti.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at August 13, 2009 4:31 PM

Aw, Rhymey. Can our wedding song be "Walking on Sunshine?"

Posted by: Julie at August 13, 2009 4:46 PM

It can't be Let's Get It On? The cover by Barry Jive and the Uptown 5?

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at August 13, 2009 4:53 PM

I still use what I think is the best descriptor for "cool" music these days -sad bastard music- I don't know that I'd ever heard anyone use that exact phrase in reference to something like Belle and Sebastian (which always makes me think of Captain and Tennille) before.

I also take any opportunity to paraphrase or quote directly: "we're Sonic FUCKING Death Monkey".

Posted by: Ian at August 13, 2009 4:54 PM

Oh my god! That is why I don't deserve you.

Posted by: Julie at August 13, 2009 5:00 PM

I don't know, Baldwin is great but how could you pass over poor Shelly Levine? That was a brilliant performance from Jack Lemmon. But Ed Harris, Kevin Spacey, and Alan Arkin were all great. Yep, tough choice. Have to be a 5 way split.

And you left off Leland Gaunt from Needful Things. I'm sure it was just an oversight.

Posted by: TylerDFC at August 13, 2009 5:06 PM

You're off your game, Jules.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at August 13, 2009 5:36 PM

what no dustin hoffman as willy loman... death of a salesman may only be a play but he was damn good at delusional and it got a proper release with the hoffman-malcovich cast.

Posted by: jim of the lower case at August 13, 2009 5:44 PM

I love you, Randall Graves. I couldn't love you more if you were my firstborn son.

Posted by: George at August 13, 2009 5:50 PM

Hey Bweaves

My old boss lives in the same neighborhood as Paul Dooley. Whenever he bumps into him he says "REFUND!? REFUND!?" And yes, my boss was that kind of dick. But since I loved Breaking Away I thought it was hilarious. So when he'd yell at me in front of the whole office I'd just think at least I'm not Paul Dooley.

Posted by: icecreammang at August 13, 2009 5:54 PM

See, to me, that Boiler Room scene is all that was wrong with Affleck. Zero menace in a scene that clearly calls for intimidation. I'll just pretend you put Jerry Lundegaard in that slot instead. There, all better.

Posted by: sansho1 at August 13, 2009 6:00 PM

I have a story to scare the shit out of all of you and I fuck with you not:

Before I started doing what I do now, I sold copiers for a small Florida company. During my first few days with that company I was put through their training program, which consisted of basically a two-day long "bootcamp". The trainer basically did a show-up-and-throw-up presentation for two days straight where he imparted sales wisdom unto us. One of his "pearls" (there's a fucking sales term for you there) was the Always Be Closing, Attention Interest Decision Action portion of Alec Baldwin's monologue. I mean he said it word for word without the profanity. He spake it unto us as though it were sage advice, wisdom that would make us successful. The asshole trainer even drove a BMW and wore a Rolex like Baldwin's character. I think he in all seriousness modeled himself on Blake. When I heard it come out of his mouth I thought it sounded like something straight out of a book - little did I know it was David Mamet and meant to be skewering sales people until I stumbled across the movie on TV late one night. By that time I had been with the company a little over a year and had already started the process of getting the job I have now so mentally I was checked out of the copier business, but I still went cold and couldn't sleep that night.

Posted by: stardust savant at August 13, 2009 6:17 PM

I commend this list. This list contains my must-haves (Glengarry Glen Ross, Clerks) with my dare-to-dreams (Tommy Boy.) Well done, good sir!

Posted by: The Wandering Parakeet at August 13, 2009 7:00 PM

is no one going to mention ted danson in 'made in america'?!

Posted by: gp at August 13, 2009 7:40 PM

I’d like to second Jerry Lundegaard.

Fargo kills me in a couple of scenes, where his desperation to sell means he’ll do what he knows to be wrong meets the customer’s perfectly understandable desire not to get fucked over.

“You’re a liar, Mr Lundegaard. A … fucking liar.”

It’s the tacit acceptance of the fact on his face that does it, as he realises that he has to be. Goddamn.

Posted by: Squrrox at August 13, 2009 7:59 PM

Great call, BWeaves, on Breaking Away.

Although I enjoy Boiler Room, I'm not sure I could include it on the list when it so obviously echoes Glengarry and even includes a scene of its salesman watching a scene from Wall Street for dialogue inspiration.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at August 13, 2009 8:57 PM

"is no one going to mention ted danson in 'made in america'?!"

Did he actually ever sell anything in that movie?

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at August 14, 2009 2:08 AM

Oh for the love of ...

Is this "best salesman" or "best sales speech"?

Because if it's "best salesman":

Kurt Russell, Rudy fuckin' Russo, "Used Cars"

Over, out.

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at August 14, 2009 2:54 AM

Aaron Eckhart in "Thank You for Smoking". Technically not a salesman, but boy could he pitch.

Posted by: beingclear at August 14, 2009 1:36 PM

what? no ned ryerson from groundhog day?

Posted by: april5k at August 14, 2009 2:16 PM