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The Five Best Cocks in Movies and Television

By Julie & Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Seriously Random Lists | Comments (63)

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5. T.R. the Rooster, “The Muppet Show”


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4. Alan-a-Dale, Disney’s Robin Hood

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3. Chanticleer, Rock-A-Doodle

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2. Rocky, Chicken Run

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1. Foghorn Leghorn

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Comments

I love you. That is all.

Posted by: Reba at June 10, 2010 12:21 PM

This is exactly what I expected.

Posted by: Paul Southworth at June 10, 2010 12:21 PM

Hahaha! It's funny cuz it's like a total fakeout.

Go eff yourself, I was looking forward to a SRL about the best instances of male nudity in film.

Posted by: juicyjui at June 10, 2010 12:22 PM

I'm glad that you brought in Julie on this one. You know, to get a true female perspective.

Posted by: admin at June 10, 2010 12:22 PM

That is just wrong. You guys are mene.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at June 10, 2010 12:23 PM

This is bull, Rowles. I CAME EXPECTING DICKS AND I WANT THOSE DICKS.

Posted by: pendelton at June 10, 2010 12:24 PM

Thank you Dustin, for being you.

Posted by: SarahReznor at June 10, 2010 12:24 PM

I love a cock that stutters.

Posted by: Julie at June 10, 2010 12:30 PM

Oh dear, then you oughta hear me when I'm making someone a new library card and they make me repeat myself and totally break my flow and...

Posted by: Jay at June 10, 2010 12:32 PM

Total sausage fest in here.

Balls out!

Posted by: Kballs at June 10, 2010 12:33 PM

I think Jay just inferred that he is a giant penis.

Posted by: Julie at June 10, 2010 12:33 PM

Well I'm subtle, you know that.

Posted by: Jay at June 10, 2010 12:34 PM

Man, disappointing...

Posted by: Slash at June 10, 2010 12:35 PM

That's a joke... I say, that's a joke, son.

Posted by: Brenton at June 10, 2010 12:36 PM

The wife actually bought a "Cock of the Month" calendar... I guess it was one of the few left in the 50% February Calendar Sale! @ Borders. Still, it's pretty righteous...

Posted by: Drew Morton at June 10, 2010 12:36 PM

Heeeee.

Posted by: Julie at June 10, 2010 12:36 PM

*headdesk*

Posted by: stardust at June 10, 2010 12:40 PM

Honorable Mention: Little Jerry Seinfeld.

Posted by: figgy at June 10, 2010 12:46 PM

It's the Southern accent. Chicks love a cock with an accent.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at June 10, 2010 12:52 PM

Alan-a-Dale is only no. 4?? What the hell is wrong with you people??

Posted by: Nurc that Lurks at June 10, 2010 12:52 PM

That episode was on last night Figs!

"George, this is a little too much for me. Escaped convicts, fugitive sex...I got a cockfight to focus on."

Posted by: Julie at June 10, 2010 12:52 PM

Also, I'm pretty bitter you excluded Super Chicken and Chicken Boo.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at June 10, 2010 12:54 PM

No Chicken Boo? What's the matter with you?

He don't act like the other chickens do.

Posted by: Paul Southworth at June 10, 2010 12:55 PM

This fake-out was not appreciated. I was looking forward to a list of awesome man bits in film.

Although, Alan-A-Dale rules.

Posted by: Kiddo at June 10, 2010 12:58 PM

See??

Posted by: Nurc that Lurks at June 10, 2010 1:02 PM

YES! Chanticleer. That movie deserves so much more fame. Those owls are SCARY.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at June 10, 2010 1:04 PM

Shout out to Chicken Little?

Posted by: ninetwenteetoo at June 10, 2010 1:05 PM

Optimus Rhyme - I think that movie made me more obsessed with Elvis than any actual Elvis movie.

Posted by: ninetwenteetoo at June 10, 2010 1:11 PM

Dammit! I came for Viggo's junk! Stuff! Package!

Now I made myself all tingly. Gotta run.

Posted by: Cindy at June 10, 2010 1:11 PM

I am upset and disappointed. But at the fact the Alan-A-Dale wasn't number one, not at the lack of peen like all these pervs.

Posted by: Katers at June 10, 2010 1:20 PM

In The Last Fifteen Minutes:

- Read about this on Facebook.
- Went to the bathroom to urinate.
- Grabbed a wad of tissue.
- Told my co-worker I had an important phone call to make.
- Shut my door.
- Closed the blinds.
- Removed my britches.
- Went to Pajiba.
- Read about Heigl as a warm-up.
- Clicked on The Five Best Cocks in Movies and Television.
- Chuckled at the bait-and-switch.
- Masturbated furiously.

Thanks, Pajiba!

Posted by: Skitz at June 10, 2010 1:21 PM

This list is incomplete. It should also have the slayer of cocks...Swedish Chef.

Posted by: DeistBrawler at June 10, 2010 1:25 PM

Ha! Dustin's a cock-tease.

Posted by: Rykker at June 10, 2010 1:27 PM

god DAMN you.

Posted by: gp at June 10, 2010 1:43 PM

I see you forgot to lock the door. What happened when "that" co-worker walked in?

Posted by: pausner at June 10, 2010 1:46 PM

Damn, previous comment directed @ Skitz, obviously

Posted by: pausner at June 10, 2010 1:47 PM

Dustin and Julie - good one. Consider me "gotten."

PS VIGGO!!

Posted by: MM at June 10, 2010 1:50 PM

LoLcatz, dude. LoLcatz.

(Note: I'm on a one-man crusade to turn "LoLcatz" into a legitimate-- by internet standards-- adjective for describing something sufficiently hilarious. Because I'm an ironic, hipster d-bag, of course.)

Posted by: RobP at June 10, 2010 1:50 PM

"What happened when "that" co-worker walked in?"

You just gotta let the universe do what it's gotta do, pausner - gotta go with the flow, dig? The door may be closed, but it's open to whatever freaky-ass shit that might go down once that knob* is turned.

[* "knob" can be taken as a subtle nod to my genitalia.}

Posted by: Skitz at June 10, 2010 2:11 PM

Skitz - So the co-workers have an understanding that a closed door policy is really a swinging door policy?

Posted by: pausner at June 10, 2010 2:26 PM

Yeah, but dude... used in that context, all it brought to my mind was some freaky-ass dude bustin' through the door and crankin' (as in twisty-torquin') on your knob, and that ain't somethin' that was meant to be wrung-out like a towel, ya know.

Dang. That hurt to think about -- I gotta go walk this feelin' off...

Posted by: Rykker at June 10, 2010 2:29 PM

Yeah, but dude...Rykker--I gotta walk this feelin' off--used in that context, all it brought to my mind was that you got a rise out of the Skitz description.

Give in to your feeling.

Posted by: pausner at June 10, 2010 2:39 PM

Ah say, ah say (pay attention, boy), ah say, great list, boy!

Posted by: , at June 10, 2010 2:51 PM

The Five Best Hogs in Movies and Television

5. Wilbur
4. Babe
3. Hamm
2. Porky
1. Miss Piggy

Posted by: Paul Southworth at June 10, 2010 2:54 PM

Why does my Viggo look like Paulie Walnuts in the header picture?

Posted by: Kristen at June 10, 2010 3:22 PM

If it's nano-seconds of dick you want, I submit the following:

1. Richard Gere: American Gigolo
2. Arnold Schwarzenegger : Terminator
3. Viggo Mortenson: Eastern Promises
4. Jason Segel: Forgetting Sarah Marshall
5. Julian Sands, Denholm Elliot, Simon Callow and Rupert Graves: A Room with a View
6. Harvey Keitel: The Piano

Posted by: Adam at June 10, 2010 3:31 PM

The five best cocks...

Is that what Viggo's got stuck in his throat?

Posted by: mswas at June 10, 2010 3:47 PM

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HA

Posted by: Brian at June 10, 2010 4:08 PM

Oh! Thank Gotopus, it's chickens.

For a moment, I thought we were going to get Shit LaBeef's Banana Hammock again.

And Adam, thank you for the memories.

Posted by: BWeaves at June 10, 2010 4:22 PM

Dammit. I was hoping for screen shots of Viggo in Eastern Promises. Viggo in Indian Runner. He's been known to get naked and then die in a lot of films. Was hoping maybe Hugh Jackman had an early porn in his filmography somewhere that you'd cleverly dug up. Dammit.

Posted by: Viking at June 10, 2010 5:29 PM

We were promised jetpacks manpacks.

Never thought I'd be at Pajiba thinking "I want some peen!", but there you go.

Dustin Rowles: cockblocker.

Posted by: Lauren at June 10, 2010 5:42 PM

Jesus Christ!!! This fucking guy and his preoccupation with cocks and Ryan Reynolds.

Or

Jesus Christ dude!!! Cocks? Really? C'mon guy.

Posted by: Pookie at June 10, 2010 6:25 PM

aww I can't believe I'm disappointed for a different reason to everyone else- I thought it said the 5 best COOKS in movies and TV.

Wouldn't that be a good one? Just me?

Posted by: soraya at June 10, 2010 7:20 PM

it's just you

Posted by: mswas at June 10, 2010 8:07 PM

nicely done! and kudos on foghorn being number one, that is one cock that just never stops pushing, never stops running off.

so, what about the top five pussies? you know it's coming. (ouch, i punned myself in the eye)

Posted by: idleprimate at June 10, 2010 10:51 PM

5. Heathcliff (that mischievous pussy that likes to root around in dark places).
4. Garfield (a plump swollen sated pussy)
3. Sylvester the Cat (a moist sputtering pussy).
2. Chesire Cat (that mysterious pussy that enters your life when you least expect it).
1. The Cat In The Hat (the pussy you brought home after a bad day of too much drink, who wouldn't leave after and made a terrible mess of your house).

Super Feline Bonus Round:

-1. The Cat from Secret Railroad (a dignified pussy that likes to ride the guy in charge).

I'd offer prizes for recognition of that last reference, but it might be regarded as solicitation. what with all this pussy talk.

Posted by: idleprimate at June 10, 2010 11:47 PM

You left out the chicken Peter fights with on Family Guy...he's my favorite!

Posted by: anne at June 11, 2010 12:15 AM

Oh, good, you got Alan-a-Dale -- my favorite!

And The Aristocats had some mighty fine pussies. Let's face it, Disney does cock and pussy better than anyone.

Posted by: PDamian at June 11, 2010 2:13 AM

I almost liked this more than the real thing. or the real metaphor. almost.

Posted by: rio at June 11, 2010 11:55 AM

Okay, great list and whatever, but:

What about Little Jerry Seinfeld? Or when Burger King had those fighting chickens for some reason?

I call shenanigans.

Posted by: Bequafina at June 11, 2010 11:24 PM

i hate foghorn leghorn

Posted by: courtney at June 13, 2010 12:09 AM

What was that movie with the singing rooster on a farm and the sun couldn't rise unless he sang? Then he went to Hollywood to become a star and the farm animals went after him b/c it only rained since he left? Did I dream that?

Posted by: smasherstein at June 13, 2010 1:12 PM

Damn, right after I posted I remembered it was a Don Bluth movie and it's most definitely #3. Oh well, Don Bluth is amazing!

Posted by: smasherstein at June 13, 2010 1:14 PM