The Best Movie Moustaches

A Seriously Random List XLIII / Dustin Rowles

Seriously Random Lists | January 15, 2009 | Comments (71)

Kevin James’ Happy Madison produced Paul Blart: Mall Cop arrives in theaters tomorrow, and I absolutely can’t wait, if by “can’t wait” you mean: I’m going to shoot myself in the head about halfway through. We’re skipping Sundance for this? Ooof. I think the gut rot is acting up again.

But Kevin James’ moustache does provide me with the perfect opportunity to introduce another Seriously Random List. Here are the five worst, and the ten best moustaches in the history of mankind (or, at least, in movies and television).

The Five Worst:

5. Tom Hanks in The Road to Perdition

4. Kevin James in Paul Blart: Mall Cop

3. Colin Farrell in Miami Vice

2. Jack Black in Nacho Libre

1. Steve Martin in The Pink Panther

The Ten Best:

10. Wilford Brimley in “Our House”

9. Josh Brolin in No Country for Old Men

8. Sam Jackson in Pulp Fiction

7. Sacha Baron Cohen in Borat

6. Kurt Russell and Val Kilmer in Tombstone

5. Harry Shearer in This is Spinal Tap

4. Daniel Day Lewis in There Will Be Blood and The Gangs of New York

3. Burt Reynolds in Smokey and the Bandit

2. Sam Elliot in The Big Lebowski

1. Tom Selleck in “Magnum P.I.”

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Comments

I'd still let Selleck give me a mustache ride.
Saddle-up!

Posted by: Tammy at January 15, 2009 11:07 AM

No one tops The Selleck!

Rowrrrr.

Posted by: boo at January 15, 2009 11:10 AM

Oh, you got some of my faves.....Val Kilmer was a hot Doc, Magnum-yum-yum, Sam "God" Elliott, Bill the Butcher, Bandit...

How odd. Did a search and found this...

http://www.ropeofsilicon.com/article/top_ten_best_movie_mustaches

Posted by: dammitjanet at January 15, 2009 11:16 AM

Selleck is the only man who can pull off a moustache like that.

Take that, Zack Braff!

Posted by: Sofía at January 15, 2009 11:17 AM

Colin Farrel wins worst mustache! Man alive that movie was the best unintentional comedy I have ever seen.

Colin Farrel looks deep into Li Gong's eyes...

"Ola chica"

Lee Gong moans and swoons back

"Ola chico"

Snort!

Posted by: Pants at January 15, 2009 11:17 AM

*Li*

Posted by: Pants at January 15, 2009 11:18 AM

Is that a direct quote from the movie, Pants? Because if it is, I must watch it. I'm not one to pass the opportunity to listen to an Irish man pretending to be American, pretending to speak Spanish.

Still, nothing beats an American born dude with an Australian accent pretending to be a Scot.

"I luv ya. Ahwees HaAAav. That'd be grrRRreeeet!"

Posted by: Sofía at January 15, 2009 11:21 AM

Worst: Aaron Ruell and Jon Greis - Napoleon Dynamite

Posted by: admin at January 15, 2009 11:23 AM

You bet your sweet tits it is Sofia!

Posted by: Pants at January 15, 2009 11:25 AM

There is so much hot mustache love there that I never knew I wanted.
I know it's not a movie, but can we throw some panties at the Deadwood 'staches? Ian McShane is nothing without his, and mmmmm Timothy Olyphant mmmmm.

Posted by: jamiepants at January 15, 2009 11:27 AM

I honestly did not know that Mel Gibson was American-born. Har!

Posted by: Snath at January 15, 2009 11:28 AM

What abour RDJ in Ironman??? My boyf did that look for his Ironman Halloween costume and I made him keep it. Not quite a goatee but not just a stache. And you have to shave the stache below the nose or it just doesn't look right.

For your consideration: http://img.metro.co.uk/i/pix/2008/05/ironman_450x250.jpg

Posted by: AM at January 15, 2009 11:30 AM

I didn't know Downey was doing a Gabe Kaplan bio flick!

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at January 15, 2009 11:31 AM

When "There Will Be Blood" was starting to get a lot of buzz I asked "aw man, is this another moustache movie?" Can Daniel Day Lewis maybe play a modern European again someday?

There's good picks here, but I'd definitely put both Farrell and Elliott a spot higher. Farrell's moustache's synergy with his hair and his shadowbeard create something remarkably repellent, and personally I'd put Sam over Tom because he looks even more freakily unrecognizable without it. I really liked the Coens explaining how they could do wild ADR inserts without worrying about lip sync at all.

Posted by: Jay at January 15, 2009 11:34 AM

Ian McShane is nothing without his

He's not nothing then, he's LovejoyOnA&E!

Posted by: Jay at January 15, 2009 11:37 AM

I agree with Jamiepants. Deadwood is a wonderful example of historic facial hair, and Timothy Olyphant's in particular is droolworthy.

Then again, my boyfriend insists I cannot be trusted when it comes to facial hair, since I am constantly trying (in vain) to talk him into doing the "muttonchops-into-mustache-seacaptain" look. I am a sucker for historic facial hair, I guess.

Posted by: Siege at January 15, 2009 11:44 AM

I will never be able to watch Lovejoy. There is just no way I could see Swearingen be a fancy pants antique superhero. It just won't work for me.

Posted by: Snath at January 15, 2009 11:44 AM

Wait...So now this place is scavenging lists from other sites? And I'm sorry, but number five and number eight are clearly fu manchu's, and should thus not count in a list of best "moustaches," as by definition, they are not moustaches. Cool facial hair, sure, but get you facts straight.

Posted by: Some Guy at January 15, 2009 11:45 AM

As for the worst mustache list you forgot to add every guy that ever hit on me at the roller rink, but otherwise, good jorb.

Posted by: Kayanne at January 15, 2009 11:47 AM

Sorry, Jay. Maybe the McShane of yore can pull off the bald face, but every time I see pictures of him without his stache, I feel no sexual frustration, and I need my sexual frustration to turn into anger at moronic students.

Posted by: jamiepants at January 15, 2009 11:48 AM

Lovejoy marathons on A&E sipping on beer while missing classes.

*good times*

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at January 15, 2009 11:48 AM

Also, could I humbly submit a one Mr. Donald Sutherland for best 'stache in life? The man has been rocking that shit since before it was big in porn and in Don't Look Know he wore it with a fro.

Posted by: Kayanne at January 15, 2009 11:51 AM

since I am constantly trying (in vain) to talk him into doing the "muttonchops-into-mustache-seacaptain" look.

THIS! Siege, I don't see that as ever being a bad idea...keep trying.

Facial hair can be disgusting...oh, but when it's good, it's sooo good. When my ex cut off his beard, I had to trade him 5 rounds of carblowhead to get it back. Absolutely worth it.

Posted by: jamiepants at January 15, 2009 11:51 AM

And for the record: Wilford Brimley "anything" rules.

Who else can make Diabeeetus Testing supplies commercials sound like an inquiry into your past sexual misconduct? WHO?

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at January 15, 2009 11:53 AM

jamiepants I luvs me some "Deadwood" mens. OOOOOOOh, Timothy Olyphant was soooo old West hot, and Ian McShane? Good lord, I had a couple of times I would have loved to have been Trixie....though I'd rather be Alma...

and, AM the "Ironman" IS smokin'. Hmmm, come to think of it.....my bf has that goin' on....subconcious desire for RDJ??? Me??? Oh, of course not...

*snickers*

Posted by: dammitjanet at January 15, 2009 12:11 PM

The mustaches in the Big Lebowski are awesome. Every mustache fits each character perfectly. The movie is a godsend to mustaches. We need more high quality mustaches in this world.

Posted by: George at January 15, 2009 12:23 PM

No love for Tom Skerritt? Boo. I would put him #3 after Selleck and Elliott (who has the best VOICE).

I'm your Huckleberry...

Posted by: amanda47 at January 15, 2009 12:35 PM

And for the record: Wilford Brimley "anything" rules.

Who else can make Diabeeetus Testing supplies commercials sound like an inquiry into your past sexual misconduct? WHO?

This is the most perfect comment in the history of Pajiba. Right down to the correct Brimley inspired spelling of diabetes. Kudos sir, kudos.

Posted by: dylanj at January 15, 2009 12:41 PM

Heehee, I loved DDL's mustache in Gangs of New York. I kept wanting to reach in and give it a twirl, except he'd probably bite my hand off. Rawr.

How about Liam Neeson in Batman Begins? It's pretty badass!

Posted by: figgy at January 15, 2009 12:45 PM

carblowhead

That what I think it means?

I'm sorry, but I saw what happened to Rick Moranis. There's no illicit thrill in wrecking my car!

Posted by: Jay at January 15, 2009 12:45 PM

The fuck did you rate Brimley at #10. He's a debatable #2 with Sam Elliot.

The quality of the mustache is directly proportional to the amount of soup it can soak up without dripping.

Posted by: branded at January 15, 2009 12:50 PM

carblowhead
That what I think it means?

Yeah, I never really got it either, but it wasn't my thrill to get, I guess.
I will say that it almost always had to do with the necessary hour long drive to his parents' house, so cruise control played its part.

Posted by: jamiepants at January 15, 2009 1:00 PM

Nice list. I'd have to add Johnny Depp...and Orlando Bloom's delicate 'stache makes my nether regions moist. OK, I have to stop thinking about this now.

Posted by: Cindy at January 15, 2009 1:07 PM

I know you're trying to be sensitive to the yellows, Pants, but it's Gong Li. Just, Gong Li.

Posted by: a at January 15, 2009 1:08 PM

Ooh, good call on Donald Sutherland, Kayanne. Can't imagine him without it. May I add Alex Trebek? I'm still just getting used to the clean-shaven Trebek--it looked wrong for a very long time.

I am not a fan of the Tom Selleck 'stache. It's the epitome of cheesy.

Posted by: meaux at January 15, 2009 1:11 PM

Orlando Bloom's Pirates facial hair made him look like a pedophile and a rapist. The kind of guy who hangs out at 7-Eleven ogling the high school girls with his buddy Trigger.

Posted by: Snath at January 15, 2009 1:15 PM

Charles Bronson in Death Wish. Now there's a man's mustache, a rampaging mustache, a blood-thirsty moustache. Meerowr.

Close second going to Dennis Farina in Crime Story--perfect bad-ass-80's-masquerading-as-60's 'stache.

DDL's in Gangs of NY is great.

I'm suprised no one's mentioned Chuck Norris....

Posted by: frumpiefox at January 15, 2009 1:37 PM

You come across the greatest things when you never leave the library.

It doesn't matter if you're not familiar with long-dead Spanish pianist Ricardo Vines (yes, there's a '~'), you will now him now.

Roll Camera!

http://www.maurice-ravel.net/vines.htm

Posted by: Jo 'Mama' Besser at January 15, 2009 1:41 PM

These are all great for the modern era, but what about the Golden Age? Charlie Chaplin would be a Hall-of-Famer if it wasn't for that damn Austrian paperhanger.

Posted by: JrFanBoy at January 15, 2009 1:46 PM

What, no love for Jay Chandrasekhar's Thorny stache?

Posted by: lordhelmet at January 15, 2009 1:51 PM

Kevin James' 'stache looks remarkably like a black boomerang landed on his lip.

Posted by: bucdaddy at January 15, 2009 1:52 PM

No Ned Flanders? Or is this just for real people?

Once I think of an actor with the perfect amount of ironic coolness, I'll contribute. Until then...back to work.

Posted by: Dave at January 15, 2009 1:54 PM

"Orlando Bloom's Pirates facial hair made him look like a pedophile and a rapist. The kind of guy who hangs out at 7-Eleven ogling the high school girls with his buddy Trigger."

That's what is known as the molestache. Moustaches that make you look like a child molester.

Posted by: bakers_dozen at January 15, 2009 1:55 PM

Oh, and no Dr. Beardface?

Posted by: bakers_dozen at January 15, 2009 1:56 PM

I'll be honest. I own Road to Perdition, and I didn't even really recognize what Tom Hanks had as a mustache.

Posted by: alphawhiskey at January 15, 2009 2:07 PM

If we're going to talk Orlando Bloom and high school girls ya got to draw the line directly to McConaughey's Wooderson in Dazed and Confused, man, cause no matter how old he gets the girls stay the same age.

Posted by: amanda47 at January 15, 2009 2:18 PM

Burt Reynolds and Tom Selleck do not belong on this list -- because those are not "movie moustaches": those are how they really look in real life. They have set the standard for real-life inadequacy-covering facial hair for western civilization over the last 4 decades.

You can't dis that. That's like making fun of Loni Anerson because of Pam Anderson's ridiculously-gigantic phony tits.

Posted by: hater from siloam springs at January 15, 2009 2:31 PM

That's what is known as the molestache.

Oh that is brilliant. That's as good as crustache (the sparse junk that can start popping up in 8th grade and then never seems to fill in on guys in rectangular wire glasses and wolf/whale shirts who refuse to shave it well into the college years).

Posted by: Jay at January 15, 2009 2:38 PM

It took me until high school to stop thinking wolf/whale shirts were cool, Jay, but at least I never tried to grow a crustache.

However, I do fit every other stereotype for "awkward high school nerd, male." I played video games religiously, had weekly D&D and Warhammer 40k sessions with my friends, was in marching band, and drank 50 cubic liters of Mountain Dew a day. Thankfully, I went to a huge school where awkward nerds were able to find groups of like-minded nerds to gang up with.

We were kind of like a rat king, connected through our GameBoy cords.

Posted by: Snath at January 15, 2009 3:16 PM

BSlim, shut your effin mouth. I love me some Kaplan. And his kick-ass 'stache/fro combo.

Posted by: Nadha at January 15, 2009 3:20 PM

OH, dammit, I really liked the term molestache until I scrolled up and it was tainted by child porn.
I hereby reclaim molestache as what I want to do to Daniel Day Lewis and the yummy cast of Deadwood (not ALL of them...just the yummy ones.)

Man, I wanna molestache you in the face.
See, it works.

Posted by: jamiepants at January 15, 2009 3:26 PM

Know what I noticed? Others have agreed with me. One could consider him/herself kinda weird but not a hopeless case yet still very much single, and then you'd see the utter superdorks pairing up with each other, and rutting like hell from what I've heard. I've been friends with a few of those guys.

Posted by: Jay at January 15, 2009 3:47 PM

I had to make sure that you had both movies and TV, then I wondered how you could miss Michael Imperioli, Life on Mars. It has received some air time around the shit Hollywood shows, it that early 70s porn look to it.

Posted by: richmac at January 15, 2009 3:47 PM

You're damn right Magnum is #1. He is the reason all those other pussies grew their mustaches.

Posted by: Tanner at January 15, 2009 5:55 PM

I've never heard of a crustache, but it sounds a lot like what we here in North Carolina call a gritstache. Is this a southern thing or just something my friends made up?

Oh, and carblowhead is a little redundant, dontcha think?

Posted by: AM at January 15, 2009 6:49 PM

"carblowhead"

Ah, such sweet memories of opening my eyes and realizing I was doing 85 down I-79 with her face in my lap.

Good times ...

Posted by: bucdaddy at January 15, 2009 8:07 PM

I don't know why, but Chuck Norris's facial hair always reminds me of clown makeup. The unshaven area around his mouth is just somehow the wrong size or shape.

Posted by: Ann at January 15, 2009 8:15 PM

If Sam Elliot hadn't made this list, I was going to mail you all thousands of used staples. Sharp, evil staples to shove under your fingernails so every time your fingers hit the keyboard, you'd be reminded of that great faux pas and pay pennance for such an outrageous sin.

But, you mentioned him, so never mind.

Posted by: dahlia6 at January 15, 2009 10:18 PM

been rocking the "flavor saver" for 10 years,you know you want some,LADIES!!

Posted by: pasadenamike at January 15, 2009 10:20 PM

FWIW, I haven't been clean-shaven for 30+ years and I've been married 26, so Mrs. Daddy has never seen me naked.

Posted by: bucdaddy at January 15, 2009 10:28 PM

Shout out to all the other ladies (F*** you, yes I did just give shout out, bite me) for the Selleck love. Ever notice that DDL looks sexy with a mustache becuase it makes him look like Magnum?

Posted by: MissSmilla at January 15, 2009 11:08 PM

Y'know what it is about Chuck Norris's clown face look Ann? It's that the hair is too short. You can't have your mustache all one length. (and hey...is it mustache or moustache or what? moustache looks silly). You have to let the top layer grow down at least a reasonable length. Now, some men can tolerate the overhanging hair and some trim it up to the lip level, but you can't buzz it all down like peach fuzz, cause then you end up looking like Chuck Norris. See?
http://cdn.channel.aol.com/red_galleries/chuck-norris-400ds0620.jpg

Plus he has a weirdly large upper lip area, which I just noticed.

Posted by: AM at January 15, 2009 11:40 PM

And nobody mentioned Raúl Juliá's uber 'tache in the Addams Family... for shame

Posted by: Colombo at January 16, 2009 2:01 AM

I know this is way late, but Affleck in Clerks II, interesting look.

Posted by: richmac at January 16, 2009 2:46 AM

Rosie O'Donnel - the mustache of champions

Posted by: Colombo at January 16, 2009 3:43 AM

Which one?

Posted by: admin at January 16, 2009 7:02 AM

Oh, and carblowhead is a little redundant, dontcha think?

AM, of course it is, but the first time my ex called it that I spit out my beer. I've never been able to call it anything else since.

Posted by: jamiepants at January 16, 2009 10:58 AM

Seeking to rise above the pack and the tendency to bring things low, may I just day I am all aflutter after perusing the list.

I loved the Selleck in the late 80's and had been brought to shame about it by the fact that he's, you know, a Republican, but that photo brings it all back and I feel that I was not so misguided in my youth as once I supposed.

Sam Elliott. 60% of the time, it works everytime.

It is the few, the happy few, who can pull it a moustache and rise above Flanderstravaganza.

Fantastically-awesome chest hair list anyone? I guess I lose my rising-above status by suggesting it but, damn it, I am a grown up and I want a man that looks like a man and not a cyclist trying to decrease wind resistance!

Posted by: Sarah at January 16, 2009 11:38 AM

Oh, and carblowhead is a little redundant, dontcha think?

AM, of course it is, but the first time my ex called it that I spit out my beer. I've never been able to call it anything else since.

The question now is did Msjamiepants spit?

Posted by: David at January 16, 2009 7:39 PM

SWOON! Tom Selleck's mustache increased his hotness like a 1000% fold...OMG! (checks pants)!

Posted by: ph at January 16, 2009 8:21 PM

There are no good mustaches.

There are least worst mustaches. Preferably ones that cover zits.

Posted by: janis at January 18, 2009 12:23 AM

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