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The Absolute Worst TV Characters to Rob a Bank With

By Rebecca Pahle | Seriously Random Lists | February 13, 2014 | Comments ()


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Every heist team needs a leader, a fast-talker, a techie, a chameleon, a weaponry guru, and a getaway driver. That’s what the The Fast and the Furious franchise taught me, and The Fast and the Furious doesn’t lie. It also taught me that a gang of career criminals form their own sort of family, a group of people you can trust to have your back when you’re surrounded by coppers and the only weapon at your disposal is one of those rubber bands shaped like a palm tree.

These are not those people.

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Worst Techie: Ichabod Crane, Sleepy Hollow
This one’s easy. Being a Revolutionary War soldier will tend to make one bad at modern inventions like bottled water and skinny jeans. Ichabod cracking a safe? Forget it. Now, if he brought Jenny Mills along…

donna window.png

Worst Getaway Driver: Donna Meagle, Parks and Recreation
A getaway driver must be alert at all times, ready to step on the gas if a job goes wrong and a quick escape is needed. Kind of hard to do when you’re livetweeting everything. Runner up: The Dowager Countess from Downton Abbey, assuming you could get her to venture to the bank in the first place. So crass.

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Worst Weaponry Guru: Annie Edison, Community
Sure, Annie has enthusiasm for weaponry. But her track record regarding its use… not so hot. Someone’s gonna get shot if Crazy Annie’s on your team, and it probably won’t be someone you intended to get shot.

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Worst Fast-Talker: Will Graham, Hannibal
Yeeeeah, Will’s not the best at… people. He’d stare awkwardly at the cop he’s meant to be distracting (no direct eye contact, of course) before freaking out and trying to steal his dog. Hannibal would do a better job; he’s good with words and has a soothing presence, both of which have proven their worth at getting him out of sticky situations many times before. As long as no one picks up on his many veiled references to the the fact that he’s a bank robber, you’d be golden.

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Worst Chameleon: Shoshanna Shapiro, Girls
Like Annie, Shosh would get into her role, but she’d prove woefully unsuited for it. You’re going undercover as a cleaning lady. Ditch the designer clothes and doughnut hair.

MIND, VAGUE SPOILERS FOR SEASON FIVE OF GAME OF THRONES BELOW.











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Worst Leader: Daenerys Targaryen, Game of Thrones
Oh, she could get you into the bank fine. But out of it? Shoot, she didn’t plan that far ahead.

Edited to add: I forgot Charlie Kelly from It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia! How could I do that? He would be the worst… everything. “WILD CARD, BITCHES, YEE HAW!”

Rebecca Pahle writes for The Mary Sue, is on Letterboxd, and in no way aspires to a life of crime.


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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not


  • huh.

    Tom Haverford-Because even in a ski mask he would be so loud and boisterous that everyone would immediately know who he is. Plus he would immediately spend all the loot with Jean-Ralphio on some business venture involving cotton-candy vodka.

  • Arran

    I think the greater difficulty with enlisting Donna as a getaway driver is that she wouldn't let you use her Benz anyway.

  • Maddy

    Whatever, I want Donna on my team.

  • e jerry powell

    I would like to add Lindsay Dwyer QUINN, BITCHES!

  • TacoBellRey

    Out of all these people, Donna is the only I can actually picture robbing a bank.

  • emmalita

    Donna would be the mastermind. She would be fantastic.

  • TacoBellRey

    Now that I think about it, she would probably be more of a jewel thief than a bank robber.

  • Guest

    This guy, in any capacity:

    http://images3.wikia.nocookie....

  • Guest

    Also I'm kinda surprised these two didn't make the list:

    http://assets-s3.usmagazine.co...

    Sure they are wildcards, either a massive fail or Michael Jordan level Allstar performers but dependability is not a strength either can counted on for.

  • foolsage

    Heh. Solid picks. The Will Graham one is just perfect, too; made me snort iced tea out of my nose. I could very easily imagine Will doing just that. So, well done.

    Minor quibble though: you really could find far worse leaders than Dany, even taking the Meereenese Knot (the real life one, not the one from the TV show) into account. For instance (obscure reference) Rudy from "Mother Up". She sees herself as a leader and would insist on being treated as such, but she lacks almost every trait that makes a good leader. She's narcissistic and lazy and overall apathetic, but nonetheless is convinced of her own excellence.

    Or for that matter, Pierce Hawthorne would make a truly terrible leader: one of the worst, I'd say.

  • freetickles

    On GOT, I think she was referring to

    SPOILER ALERT

    ......

    the whole riding away on her dragon then getting stuck on a mountain in the middle of nowhere.

    Love that this show involves spoilers 2+ seasons ahead of time...

  • foolsage

    That's possible, but Dany isn't really "stuck" at that point. She's just briefly isolated. Sure, it isn't pleasant, but it's not lasting or serious.

    She is however quite stuck in Meereen in the books, which bothered George R.R. Martin so much that he called the problem of how to get her out of there the "Meereenese Knot".

  • Irina

    Ha! Dany Targaryen burn! (pun coincidental).

  • BendinIntheWind

    Oh sweet baby Jesus... I initially only saw the cover photo and half of the headline, and was consumed with BLIND SEETHING RAGE for the half second I thought you had listed Donna Meagle on a list of "The Absolute Worst TV Characters". Phew. Blood pressure: back to normal.

  • stella

    Omg I thought the same thing. I was about to seriously cut a bitch.

  • Rebecca Pahle

    I WOULD NEVER. I am horrified with myself on your behalf.

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