The 5 Nut-Jobbiest Right-Wingers
A Seriously Random List XV / Dustin Rowles
Seriously Random Lists | November 4, 2008 | Comments (37)
It’s 4:00 out here on the East Coast. As if you libtards need one last reason to get off your goddamn asses today and go vote, here are five:
5. Anne Coulter
4. Rush Limbaugh
3. Bill O’Reilly
2. Dr. Laura Schlessinger
1. Fred Phelps
Posted by: Julie at November 4, 2008 4:02 PM
WHERE'S HANNITY GODDAMMIT? That guys almost as bad as dumping all these twats in a Magic Bullet and making a suck-smoothie. Coulter and Schloshingierslosheizer make my wiener invert. "I am my kid's Mom" WHAT KIND OF STUPID ASS SLOGAN IS THAT?!
Although, I've gotta say, whilst still nuttier than elephant poop, O'Reilly's simmered down a touch. He's a kook, but in no shape or fashion on the level of Hannity! I DEMAND A RECOUNT!*
(I seriously hope this crap doesn't happen.)
Posted by: Skitz at November 4, 2008 4:11 PM
Hannity didn't make the cut? I can only assume he omitted himself from consideration a la Heigl?
Posted by: becks at November 4, 2008 4:12 PM
I like how you're thinking Julie, but I kinda hope that Phelps gets to wherever he thinks Heaven is and some supreme being stops him at the door, hands him Dolores Umbridge's carving quill, and makes him sit outside the entrance for all of eternity, scratching "God doesn't believe in haters" into his own flesh as he watches the worthy frolic in the clouds beyond the gates. He will also have a perpetually raging inner ear infection, because those are seriously THE WORST. Oh, and I would like for Guinea worms to happen to him. Lots of them. Forever. Mutant Guinea worms, like with thorny spines 'n shit.
Posted by: Sarina at November 4, 2008 4:21 PM
Is Fundamentalist Antisodomism a state-recognized religion? What on earth do their hymns sound like? Also, do you think the pictures of Phelps being sucked off by a Fillipino call-boy will be leaked before he dies, or posthumously?
Posted by: Amelia Bedelia at November 4, 2008 4:27 PM
Anne Coulter is so nutty that she's actually been known to turn conservatives into liberals.
Posted by: agent bedhead at November 4, 2008 4:29 PM
Heidi Montag could play a young Anne Coulter in the movie they play on the plane to Hell.
Posted by: becks at November 4, 2008 4:33 PM
I take anything Coulter says to be about as relevant as anything "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, Trish Stratus, Kurt Angle, Vince McMahon, or any other "professional" wrestler would say while "in character."
She's nothing more than theater. She says outrageous shit just to say it and stiry up faux controversey, so that she can sell more books/make more TV appearances. She's fucking ridiculous. She should be dressed in motley and have loud theme music and pyrotechnicss whenever she makes an appearance.
It's just super depressing that there are so many people out there who eat this C U Next Tuesday's shit up.
Posted by: ajax19 at November 4, 2008 4:38 PM
Schlessinger could be played by Judith Light with a haircut.
Phelps would be Clint Eastwood.
Limbaugh would be maybe Dennis Franz.
O'Reilly would hopefully be played by Fred Thompson.
I dunno, I'm never good at this stuff.
Posted by: becks at November 4, 2008 4:42 PM
I'm glad HASSELBECK wasn't included on this list, because she's very well-informed. She googles stuff, you know.
Posted by: Sofía at November 4, 2008 4:44 PM
I definitely agree with you ajax19 and my first thought when I read your comment was "Wow, this guy knows a lot of wrestler's names!"
Posted by: becks at November 4, 2008 4:49 PM
I would have added D'nesh D'Souza for comedic relief.
Posted by: Oh Henry at November 4, 2008 5:06 PM
"Wow, this guy knows a lot of wrestler's names!"
Well, becks, there was a dark, dark time in my life, during my last semester of law school, where I just had too much idle time and fell under the influence of excessive alcohol and some friends who had very bad taste in, well, pretty much everything. I watched a lot of professional wrestling during those 4-5 months. You would figure that all the alcohol would cloud the memory, but it really didn't.
I am not proud of any of this. I feel shame.
Posted by: ajax19 at November 4, 2008 5:18 PM
He says Godless Sodomites like it's a bad thing.
Posted by: Brave Sir Robin at November 4, 2008 5:24 PM
Wow, that was perfect--as I scrolled to each name in the list, I thought to myself "Huh...would have thought he/she would be higher..." And then I'd see the next one. *shudder* Forgot just how many right-wing nutjobs there are down there!
Sofia--hee, Hasselbeck. Such a little nutjoblet.
Posted by: meaux at November 4, 2008 5:24 PM
What i can't understand about Anne Coulter is how she can sit down with that icicle shoved so far up her cooter.
Posted by: Admin at November 4, 2008 5:24 PM
I mean you would think it would chill her heart and freeze her brai.......Ahhhhhhhh. Now it's all starting to make sense.
Posted by: Admin at November 4, 2008 5:27 PM
WTF
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at November 4, 2008 5:39 PM
anyone else ever here of Michael Savage?
Posted by: JustM0 at November 4, 2008 5:45 PM
One late night in NYC, I stopped in this upscale cigar bar to use the crapper, which I knew to be outstandingly clean. While I was leaving, I bumped into this tall, odd-looking blonde broad. She said her name was Ann & that she was a "political pundit". I shrugged & invited her up to my hotel room for some vodka & blow, she accepted immediately.
We get there, do a few hooter lines & toss back a few shots. We began some tongue-wrestling action on the sofa. She reclined, I slipped my hand up under her skirt, feeling my way up those unusually long legs until I struck satin. Something wasn't....right. I groped around a bit more & suddenly I was horrified to realize that this broad HAS A COCK!!! I threw her (him) out & vowed never, EVER to make out with a chick with an Adam's apple again.
Posted by: Romeo Smooth at November 4, 2008 6:00 PM
Coulter's actually a Deadhead. Pretty impressive with or without the icicle.
http://www.jambands.com/Features/content_2006_06_23.06.phtml
Saying Fred Phelps is a right winger is like saying Mussolini is a liberal Democrat. At least the numbers 5 through 2 have supporters/listeners etc that make them economically viable. Name me one mainstream conservative who supports Phelps.............time's up. Good try, though.
That's why this list sucks. And while the right may be suffering now, I take solace that in 1992 we were suffering as well. Viva La Revolucion.
Posted by: Chris at November 4, 2008 6:00 PM
Coulter is the craziest, most offensive and frightening right-winger to exist.
Sorry, other 4.
Posted by: Anon at November 4, 2008 6:08 PM
As a right leaning voter, you missed Mark Levin. I think the best way to go about this would be ask for the farthest left, right and fairest...but I think for most here the furthest left would be the fairest.
I am sure there a bunch of you and last minute flights to Chi-town now. Be safe, we have a reduced police force because a poorly run democratic state and city government.
Posted by: richmac at November 4, 2008 6:08 PM
Couldn't bring myself to watch any of those videos and ruin my "VotingforObama" buzz. However, I will have to disagree with you on one thing.
There is nothing random about that list. They are all truly DELIBERATE scary ass wackadoos.
Posted by: wsapnin at November 4, 2008 6:21 PM
Phelps would be Clint Eastwood.
Limbaugh would be maybe Dennis Franz.
O'Reilly would hopefully be played by Fred Thompson.
I dunno, I'm never good at this stuff.
Posted by: becks at November 4, 2008 4:42 PM
Let me give you a hand, becks:
Gary Busey would own Fred Phelps.
Wayne Knight (Newman from Seinfeld) as Rush.
Aaron Eckhart as Bill-o the Clown.
I can't argue with Heidi Montag as Ann Coulter, though -- she would bring just the right (read: copious) amount of vapidity and I suspect she has an inner bitch she could channel for the ice queen aspect of the role.
Posted by: Che Grovera at November 4, 2008 6:38 PM
What, no Michael Savage (birth name Wiener)?
Posted by: True_Blue at November 4, 2008 6:42 PM
Let that be the last time the horrifying visage of that psychotic, brain-damaged fucking harpy ever soils the face of our fair site. I'm begging you. Just looking at her makes me quiver with holy fury.
Posted by: TK at November 4, 2008 9:00 PM
Remember, we elect the officials that we deserve.
For every douche Hannity, there's a shit bag Al Franken.
Posted by: goshen at November 4, 2008 10:19 PM
I will marry Ann Coulter, and I'll take her dog-sledding in the country that's allowed to exist on the same continent as the US.
Posted by: Agente Provocatrice at November 4, 2008 10:47 PM
Maybe so, goshen, but unlike Hannity and his smug fuckin' ass, Franken put his money where his god-damned mouth is and actually ran for the United States Mother Fucking Senate. And he may yet win. So that'll be Senator Shit Bag to you. That kind of scrutiny would make Hannity shit his drawers.
Posted by: tommytimp at November 5, 2008 12:50 AM
I will murder Anne Coulter.
Posted by: Lucas at November 5, 2008 12:58 AM
I always thought Ann Coulter made a lot of sense, plus she is quite hilarious....well she was when she was on The Boondocks!
Posted by: Four Eyes at November 5, 2008 1:31 AM
i had sex with one of phelps' daughters. While i never wanted to procreate with her, at this point i think it will only help.
Posted by: Nic at November 5, 2008 3:53 AM
No one is nuttier than Ann Coulter. That bitch is Adlof Hitler's wet dream after he passed out from drinking too much absinthe and fucking a dog, who would in that state probably resemble Ann Coulter very closely, leading him to dream of her chewing on his testicles with razor-sharp teeth made of the bones of Jewish children. What a cunt.
Posted by: Audiosuede at November 5, 2008 3:14 PM
You should have just made a special number 6 for all the fucktards over on Fox News. Just to blanket those assholes under one roof.
Posted by: Devo at November 5, 2008 6:32 PM
I used to work for Savage. He is a fucking nut job. End of story.
Posted by: Ex Rockstar at November 6, 2008 12:13 PM
^ Um, details...!
Posted by: Lisa at December 3, 2008 12:55 PM
God I hope Fred Phelps' special level of hell involves being raped by a blowfish while watching Will and Grace on a loop.