The 5 Dudes With Whom It's Most Acceptable for Furiously Straight Men to Have a Man Crush
By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Seriously Random Lists | Comments (73)
I like to think that my years-long man-crush on Ryan Reynolds was the beginnings of a mainstream trend toward the acceptability of man crushes. Most open-minded, forward-thinking men have man crushes now; it’s part of being a masculine individual secure with your sexuality. Every man needs one . In fact, women distrust men who don’t have man crushes because if you don’t have an man crush, you’re probably hiding something.
But not every man crush is acceptable. If you have a man crush on, say, Ryan Seacrest, people might begin to wonder. If the word adorable has ever been used about him, then he’s probably not a suitable man crush. Because a man crush is not about sexual attraction; it’s about a combination of admiration and envy. You don’t want to be with your man crush as much as you want to be like your man crush. Therefore and paradoxically, ultra-masculine guys are ideal candidates for man crushes.
So, I’m here to help you cultivate your man crush. Don’t be indiscriminate: Don’t just pick any good looking guy with chiseled abs and a high forehead. Pick a man crush that women can respect. Pick a man crush that reflects well on you. Pick one of these five guys:
Jon Hamm: Hamm is a seriously funny guy with precise comic timing and a goofy side, but don’t let on that you know about that. Funny guys are not good candidates for man crushes (nor are “cute” guys). You can respect Hamm for being funny, but you want to infer that your man crush is more about his Don Draper-ness than his Hamminess.
Bear Grylls: Look: I’ve watched “Man vs. Wild” all of three times in my life, but that’s all I needed to see to know that Bear Grylls is an ideal man crush. Look at him: He can eat live snakes, he can sleep naked on a snow peak, he has an accent, and he can rip apart wild animals with his own hands. What woman would not respect your man crush on Bear Grylls?
Kyle Chandler: There’s a caveat to the Kyle Chandler man crush, and it is this: It’s only acceptable to have a real man crush on Kyle Chandler if you’re a father. Because that’s the real appeal of Chandler: He has that tough love, heart-of-gold thing going, the perfect husband and Dad. The husband and Dad you want to be. Does he have a winning smile? Of course he does, but THAT IS IRRELEVANT.
Timothy Olyphant: Duh, right? It’s right there in the swagger. He’s good looking, but not in a threatening way. More like, in a menacing way. And he has a Clint Eastwood vibe going on, and well manicured stubble, and great abs, and a charming smile and, man, that voice, that sexy raspy voice. It just makes you wanna climb … move on to the next candidate.
Ron Swanson: I don’t care how straight you are. You can be Daniel Craig straight, and you will still have a man crush on Ron Swanson. Swanson is a safe choice: Swanson is the default man crush until you can come up with a real man crush. Because Swanson, great as he is, is 1) fictional, and 2) a cop out. So, don’t man crush too hard on Swanson because it’s too obvious, and that level of obviousness raises eyebrows. Unless of course it’s a sexual thing, then by all means.
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Comments
Posted by: Lucas at December 6, 2011 4:09 PM
I have a man crush on Tom Hardy and I don't care who knows it!