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February 25, 2009 |

By Dustin Rowles | Lists | February 25, 2009 |

If you haven’t seen it yet, the conservative magazine The National Review, apparently desperate to save the magazine in the face of a dying print media and a conservative backlash, has resorted to writing about one if its least favorite topics: Hollywood. Home of commies and queers! That’s right, David Frum: Welcome to the New World Order. The liberals have taken over, and we’re going to fuck you all in the ass and you’re going to have to have our butt babies in a government owned hospital. And we’re going to make you pay higher taxes for the privilege!

Where was I? Ah: Yes. The National Review, in its infinite wisdom, has named the 25 Most Conservative Films of All Time. The complete list is below, although you can go on over to The National Review to get their take on why these movies deserved their position. Mostly, they just hijacked good movies and tainted them by ascribing a conservative message. Bleee-uch.

25. Gran Torino: Well, it’s kind of racist, so I’ll give that one to them.

24. Team America: World Police: Don’t you love it when Conservatives don’t even realize a movie is mocking them?

23. United 93: Fuck you. Way to take a national tragedy and politicize it. I didn’t realize that only conservative people went down in that flight.

22. Brazil: It was actually Terry Gilliam’s idea to start ass-raping conservatives.

21. Heartbreak Ridge: Yes. You can have Eastwood.

20. Gattaca: Wait, I forget. Which administration was responsible for tapping our phone lines?

19. We Were Soldiers: Mel Gibson? You can have him, too.

18. The Edge: Because only conservatives can fight bears? I figure a conservative would just shoot it, right?

17. The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe: You can have this one, too, nevermind that most of the religious stuff was stripped from the movie.

16. Master and Commander: It’s a bit of a stretch, but you can have this one, too.

15. Red Dawn: Does this mean that all Cold War movies are conservative?

14. A Simple Plan: Because only conservatives understand morality?

13. Braveheart: Mel Gibson again? He’s all yours.

12. The Dark Knight: Yeah — they’re once again trying to compare the bravery of Batman to George Bush. Uh huh. You keep banging that gong, G.O.P.

11. The Lord of the Rings: 100 percent agreed! I knew there was another reason I didn’t like LoTR.

10. Ghostbusters: I don’t really even understand why this is on the list.

9. Blast from the Past: Hahahaha. O-kaaay.

8. Juno: Diablo Cody — a former stripper — must feel so proud to belong on this list. You know why Juno didn’t get the abortion? Because it would’ve been a 20 minute film, otherwise.

7. The Pursuit of Happyness: Divorced, single black parent forced to live in a homeless shelter for a period of time. Chris Gardner is, of course, the poster boy for the conservative movement.

6. Groundhog Day: Here’s what TNR had to say: “For the conservative, the moral of the tale is that redemption and meaning are derived not from indulging your ‘authentic’ instincts and drives, but from striving to live up to external and timeless ideals.” Clearly, TK simply forgot to include that in his review.

5. 300: The good guys are white, the bad guys are brown. That’s the conservative way, folks.

4. Forrest Gump: He was too dumb to know any better.

3. Metropolitan: I’d love to see what The Boozehound has to say about this.

2. The Incredibles: Ayn Rand. Self Determinism. French people are bad. I’ll give this one to them.

1. The Lives of Others: It’s an odd choice for number one, but it’s an anti-communist film, and I suppose the right thinks it owns the moral high ground when it comes to communism.

And You Thought My Seriously Random Lists Were Absurd / Dustin Rowles

Lists | February 25, 2009 |

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.

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