The 17 Assholes We Can Hold Responsible For The Nightmarish Global Wine Shortage
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The 17 Assholes We Can Hold Responsible For The Nightmarish Global Wine Shortage

By Joanna Robinson | Seriously Random Lists | October 30, 2013 | Comments ()


Just in time for Halloween, CNN printed a story that will strike fear into the hearts of millions: the world is running low on wine. LOCK UP YOUR CELLARS. According to reports: “Global production fell by more than 5% last year - to its lowest level since the 1960s - primarily due to bad weather in France and Argentina.” This. Shall. Not. Stand. I demand we find out who is responsible and since I can’t burn the weather in effigy I’ll hold these assholes accountable. STOP DRINKING ALL THE DAMN WINE, PEOPLE. Don’t you know we’re running low?

Skyler White (that b*tch)

Cersei Lannister

The Crane Boys

Olivia Pope

Neal Caffrey

Dr. Lahiri

Dr. Torres

Tyrion Lannister

Liz Lemon


And…Most Of All…The Cul-De-Sac Crew
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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • I think the God of Tits and Wine should get a pass. He is a god after all.

    First Sriracha, now wine. WHAT THE FUCK PEOPLE!

  • Guest

    Hannibal Lecter.

    All those dinner parties... Just don't be an asshole to him or you'll end up at one, paired with the wine.

  • Alicia Florrick (I just watched the first 4 seasons of The Good Wife over the past couple months . . .)

  • ZombieMrsSmith

    You can't forget Simon and Minty Marchmont from Posh Nosh.

  • causaubon

    if there really is a wine shortage, look no further than these two as the culprits.

  • emmalita

    DAMMIT! A new show I must watch. I love Bill Bailey and this show looks awesome.

  • PerpetualIntern

    I'm pregnant and can't drink >:( YOU'RE WELCOME, WORLD.

  • Maguita NYC

    Congrats chica! All the best for a healthy happy pregnancy; And make sure no one names the future PerpetualIntern Jr: Pajiba, or Godtopus forbid, TK!!

  • PerpetualIntern

    Thank you! We definitely can't name it TK. We don't have room in the basement.

  • emmalita

    When my best friend discovered she was pregnant with twins she sobbed, "This is the day I should be able to drink! I can be sober the rest of the pregnancy, but on this day I should be allowed a bottle of scotch and a bottle of wine."

  • PerpetualIntern

    Dear Godtopus. Twins. I'm still coping with the idea of one. And I agree. I wanted to sit on the bathroom floor with a bottle of wine when I found out. No such luck.

  • Three_nineteen

    I knew my friends' wine hoarding would come in handy some day.

  • TheOriginalMRod

    I have to confess I might be partially to blame for the wine shortage... it will shortly be followed by a beer shortage, and then a gin shortage... and a vodka shortage. This could be the end times y'all. Best to stock up.

  • Maguita NYC

    This is no time to go dry. Please refrain from selfish indulgence and leave some for those in need!

  • bastich

    But we'll still be good on Everclear, right?

  • I make my own, so as long as you'll willing to pay cost + shipping+ 10% I've got you covered there. Just don't drink it(or store it, or really get it anywhere) near an open flame.

  • RocksEaglesHats

    Welp. Whiskey it is.

  • emmalita


  • lowercase_ryan

    We just bought 7 acres to convert into a vineyard. Hold out for 5 years and I got you covered.


  • bastich


  • Captain_Tuttle

    I want to go to there.

  • JoannaRobinson

    We? 7 acres? ARE YOU MONIED?

  • lowercase_ryan

    my family. Namely my dad's baby, it's his own personal Money Pit so to speak.

  • JoannaRobinson

    YOUR DAD IS KEVIN KLINE FROM FRENCH KISS? http://paulalovesmarla.files.w...

  • lowercase_ryan mom has been pushing me to watch that movie with the family for the past year ever since she found the VHS in a cupboard.

    But yes, he is. With less hair and zero social skills. And some OCD anal-retentiveness sprinkled on top. But other than that, totally.

  • buell

    Do people make his ass twitch?

  • bastich

    Don't worry, there's still plenty of wine left out there!

    There's Ripple, Night Train, Thunderbird, Mad Dog 20/20....

  • DeaconG

    "What's the word?"
    "What's the price?"

    Am I the only person that has to remind some of you that if you're gonna drink a bumwine you need to cut it with Donald Duck orange or grapefruit juice? It's the only way to get the gasoline smell out of the Thunderbird...

    Before I quit drinking completely I would buy a bottle of Mad Dog once a remind myself afterwards why I only did it once a year...

    All you'll ever need to know or want to know about them...

  • emmalita

    I was recently offered some MD 20/20 non-ironically. It was sort of a blue toothpaste shade. I declined non-ironically.

  • DeaconG

    Ah, yes, blue thanks, I prefer my Mad Dog traditional!

  • axis2clusterB

    At age 17, my best friend and I paid a homeless guy who lived in a box outside a liquor store 20 bucks to go in and buy us a bottle of MD 20/20. Good times, good times.

  • On my 21st, I hit the liquor store on the corner of Monroe & Sylvania to buy my very first bottle of anything-I-want, go-ahead-and-card-me HAHD LICKAAAA. I picked out a bottle of Wild Irish Rose. Because the bottle was pretty and reminded me of the classic Herbal Essence shampoo. And also because - one assumes - my friends hated me. When I took it to the cashier, he looked at the bottle, looked at my ID, looked at me, laughed, said, "Oh man.. you stupid kid," and handed me back my emerald treasure.

    I take it back - my BFF couldn't have TOTALLY hated me because she DID take my purse away so I couldn't throw up in it.

  • axis2clusterB

    I won't drink any alcoholic beverage with the word 'rose' in the name, due to a scarring experience in my formative years with a bottle of Tequila Rose.
    The cashier sounds awesome.

  • BWeaves

    OMG! Night Train. My darling hubby tried that in grad school, because he couldn't believe the label. He took a sip and poured the rest down the drain.

  • Aaron Schulz

    night train has some of the best/worst memories of early 20s drunken stupidity attached to it, if i ever break sobriety it had better be for night train

  • Buellie413

    Jules drinking out of four straws is my drunken spirit animal.

  • Maguita NYC

    ... *Tearing up.
    Does this mean I now have to find a glass befitting the shortage?

  • bastich

    Aww, cheer up! You'll always have the warm embrace of Gin!

  • Maguita NYC

    I'm gonna start hiding it in empty bottles of water. No one would think of stealing my water!

    Yeah, you and Nateman think it's Lysol, but wait until you're out of wine and vodka. My Gin will start looking pretty quelling!

  • Muhnah_Muhnah

    I had to stop watching Cougar Town. It made me think that my drinking levels were perfectly acceptable.

  • Captain_Tuttle

    They made me feel like I'm not drinking enough. A trip to Total Wine for an octovin of something tasty is definitely in order.

  • zeke_the_pig

    Thank you for that. Now I know never to give that show a shot. Instead I shall have one. A shot that is.

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