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The 10 Worst Films of 2013

By The Pajiba Staff | Seriously Random Lists | January 3, 2014 | Comments ()


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10. JobsJobs is the kind of made-for-television type of biopic more concerned with hitting all the notes than it is in actually making music. It’s a two-hour montage, a museum tour through the life of Steve Jobs with Ashton Kutcher narrating, taking pains to emphasize the name of every new character introduced as though winking to the knowing viewers in the audience, “This is … Mike Markkula, who you already know is going to be the CEO of Apple in five years, right?” I don’t really know anymore about Steve Jobs and Apple Computers now than I did going into the movie (except for the child he disowned, which is glossed over), but I do know that Ashton Kutcher does a pretty good job of mimicking the walk of Steve Jobs, though it doesn’t really inform the character in any way. The entire movie is basically a two-hour Wikipedia entry, unsatisfyingly thin for those who want insights into the innovator, and decidedly lifeless for anyone who wants to be entertained. It is a boring failure. — Dustin Rowles

9. The Counselor — Perversely, the most revealing scene in The Counselor turns out to be a story told in flashback, as Reiner tells the counselor about an evening when he and Malkina were parked alone and she expressed a desire to offer her body amorously to his convertible. Without another word, she removes her underwear, exits the car, mounts the windshield with her legs splayed wide, and begins to grind against the glass. Reiner, in the passenger seat, gazes on, more horrified than aroused by what he can only describe as a “catfish” kind of image. He tells the counselor that the whole thing was so weird, so uncomfortable, so plainly and sadly exhibitionist, that he’d do anything to just forget it and move on. It’s the only truthful moment in the film, because I now know exactly how he feels. — Daniel Carlson

8. The Big Wedding — Every scene in The Big Wedding sort of listlessly peters out, like the last gasps of air fluttering from a deflating balloon. Half the time the acting feels so phoned in it’s as if the actors just went off script because they couldn’t be bothered to learn their lines. Hopefully that is the case because nobody could truly write a script this bad and think it had enough merit to turn it into an actual movie. There is not one scrap of joy or profundity to be found in this train wreck.

7. The Hangover III — Excerpted from our interview with Bradley Cooper:

Pajiba: Well, you say that The Hangover III (scanning back through my notes) “isn’t for everyone.” Isn’t that the point of these kind of movies? To be for as many people as possible? If it’s not for fairly bright people who loved the original movie, then who is it for?

Cooper: I don’t know how to answer that question.

Pajiba: I’m not sure how you could answer question, either. I apologize. I’ve put you in an awkward position of having to defend a movie that’s not necessarily in line with your better more recent output.

Cooper: Those are your words. Look, I’m not trying to defend anything. We wanted to stay true to the spirit of the original film, and I think in that respect, III was a success.

Pajiba: If by “spirit,” you mean, repeating the same beats and the same structure for a third time, only with less enthusiasm, I agree with you 100 percent. Well, 80 percent, because there wasn’t an actual hangover in the sequel, which is not exactly in line with the title of the movie. But I feel like you were not very successful in staying true to the comedic spirit of the original hangover. This felt more like a bland action film than a comedy. There weren’t even many attempts at comedy. I mean, it was good to see John Goodman and all, but this was the rare instance where not even he could save a film. He couldn’t even save his own scenes.

Cooper: I’m sorry, Duncan, but is this a review or an interview? — Dustin Rowles

6. Paranoia — There is nothing entertaining about Paranoia; emptying the contents of your bladder into your pants is more entertaining that this movie. If Liam Hemsworth were to see his own movie, he would actually cry. It would be so dispiriting that he would probably quit acting, and apologize to everyone unfortunate enough to pay for Paranoia. Harrison Ford and Gary Oldman, who are secondary characters in the film, each had only one line that they repeated over and over throughout the film: “Please give me my paycheck now so I can go home. Please give me my paycheck now so I can go home.” I don’t even think Richard Dreyfus knows he’s in the film; I think people just came to his house and filmed him while he was sitting in a lazy chair watching TV and left an envelope in cash in his mailbox on the way out. — Dustin Rowles

5. Getaway — Beyond its mere stupidity and pointlessness, the film is an exercise in complete amateurism. It is made with the competence of a student film produced at the last minute by an drunk would-be director who is teetering on failing out of the third-rate film school that reluctantly decided to take his loan money. I could look up the director’s name I suppose, but that would take more effort than he’s worth, and the film is so bad that it’s probably a hate crime to reveal the director’s identity. — Steven Lloyd Wilson

4. The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug — Peter Jackson’s insistence on changing what is on the page is the most infuriating film experience I have ever had, and it gets worse with every passing film. He does not change for the sake of adaptation. His systematic changes to the story methodically reduce clever (and yes, cinematic) events on the page into dull abbreviations for the sake of adding interminable chase sequences. The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug is the apex of his annihilation of the source material. This film is terrible. Peter Jackson systematically cuts everything from the book that is cinematic and interesting and layers on his own story instead, a story that is amateurish crap. One gets the impression that if the title of the book wasn’t The Hobbit that Jackson would cut Bilbo out entirely. — Steven Lloyd Wilson

3. Grown Ups 2 — There is not a single redeeming moment during Grown Ups 2. There is not a single laugh to be had. There is only the pain of knowing that each scene will unfortunately be followed by another scene, and each subsequent scene will force you to confront the decisions you made in your life that led you to this place, to a theater with far too many people in it, watching a poorly improvised pastiche of sketches — many of them abandoned due to indifference — featuring actors who simply do not care. — Dustin Rowles

2. Safe HavenSafe Haven is not the first romantic drama that I have seen, nor will it be the last, and I will freely confess that there have been films of the genre that I have found profoundly moving and affecting. This film, this hideous piece of treacly, diabetes-inducing hogshit, is not one of them. It’s drab, dull, and dumbfounding in its aimless and uninspired execution. The fact that it’s capped with such a completely idiotic twist is not just the rancid cherry on this very special dick-cheese sundae, but also what elevates the film from just run-of-the-mill dumb and boring to transcendentally, epically, extraordinarily horrible. — TK

1. Movie 43 — A sampling of the 30 Brain-Bleaching Moments From Movie 43 That You Can Never Unsee

Hugh Jackman dips his neck testicles into a tray of butter.

  • A character played by Anna Farris asks a character played by her husband, Chris Pratt, to poop on her. He reluctantly agrees.

  • Pratt is hit by a car, and an ass full of fecal matter explodes onto the window and all over the street. This endears Farris to him because he stores so much poop inside of him, just for her.

  • Richard Gere, Kate Bosworth, Jack McBrayer, and Aasif Mandvi play executives at a company that creates an iPod that looks like an actual naked woman (the iBabe), only teenagers end up trying to have sex with it and their dicks are mangled in the fan, which is placed inside the iBabe’s vagina.

    Halle Berry sticks a turkey baster full of hot sauce into her vagina.

  • Josh Duhamel makes out with a cartoon cat, and later, the cartoon cat fucks Josh Duhamel in the mouth.

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    Comments Are Welcome, Douches Are Not


    • lonestarr357

      Bless you for ignoring The Lone Ranger and R.I.P.D. I really can't help but feel that people are chasing a trend by calling those "the worst films of 2013".

    • Nadiney

      I think I have fixed my disqus problem.

    • Jezzer

      See, this is where you should have stuck Frances Ha. If not a landfill.

    • e jerry powell

      Assuming the landfill wouldn't ramp up greenhouse gas pressure to vomit it right back up.

    • Debra Kessing

      Movie 43 - what the actual fuck?

    • I completely, absolutely keep forgetting the fact that Hangover III happened to the world this year. That movie completely warps my perception of space and time. I remember seeing the first and loving it, then seeing the second and hating it, and I know I saw the third...but...what year was it...where was...I... Who did... ...
      ...
      ...
      ...
      Sorry I think I blacked out there.

      You know, I completely, absolutely keep forgetting that the Hangover III happened to the world this year.

    • Uriah_Creep

      I don’t even think Richard Dreyfus knows he’s in the film; I think
      people just came to his house and filmed him while he was sitting in a
      lazy chair watching TV and left an envelope in cash in his mailbox on
      the way out.

      If I'd known that was actually a job, I wouldn't have wasted all that time in "college" earning a diploma. Much less "working" 40-60 hours a week for decades. Damn!

    • e jerry powell

      Alas, Safe Haven was still $71mm over $28mm, so there will inevitably be twenty more of them. I will keep disemboweling myself until there's nothing but empty space in there.

    • Devin McMusters

      I have no problem with Safe Haven. It got me laid. I'll sit through anything to get to that.

    • e jerry powell

      Even I can't do that, and I'm a whore. I'd sooner just put out right away than watch Josh Duhamel do anything.

    • Devin McMusters

      Apparently my memory was faulty, I told my wife about this list, and she reminded me that she hated Safe Haven because it shit all over the book that she loved.
      I, in fact, did not get lucky that night.

    • e jerry powell

      Bummer, dude. Make sure to avoid Duhamel at all costs in the future, just to be safe.

    • I can understand not liking The Hobbit if you've read the book. But as someone who hasn't read it, I didn't think it was that bad a movie.

    • Pentadactyl

      As someone who has read it, I still don't think it was that bad. I mean, I wouldn't put it on the best list either. Not by a long shot. But worst? Really? That's a pretty good year for movies when that's the worst that's out there.

    • Aaron Schulz

      Keep in mind that slw put it as his pick, and hating the movie version of a classic book is his wheel house. It doesnt matter what it is, but theres a good chance if it has source material thats in book form hes going to hate it and unironically use the term plebeian.

    • Wigamer

      Why, why, WHY would any of those people have agreed to be in Movie 43? I need this explanation. Short of being forced to at gunpoint, I don't understand.

    • Sarah Weissman

      Everybody needs/likes a paycheck?

    • BWeaves

      Somebody, somewhere, has a shitload of blackmail material that is apparently much worse than the movie itself.

    • Wigamer

      This must be the case, because Liev Schreiber, Naomi Watts, Kristen Bell, Kate Winslet, and Uma Thurman are all in it.

    • Stevie Oh See

      I'm with you, this can be the only reasonable explanation!

    • manting

      I would say The Hobbit DoS should be #1. Movie 43 was exactly what I thought it was from the very opening scene, a gross out comedy taken to its illogical conclusion by a 13 year old boy. The Hobbit DoS was a desecration of one of the greatest works of childrens fantasy literature. Im pretty sure Peter Jackson's copy of the The Hobbit book has a penis shaped hole right through the middle of it.

    • Rophiandis

      what I find legitimately fascinating is how readily people accept this sentiment in this case, but are so dismissive to the "nerds" who said the same thing about Iron Man 3 earlier this year, and that was a film that seemed to actively HATE its source material.

    • BWeaves

      Agreed! I went to see The Hobbit 1 & 2, and ended up seeing Star Wars Episodes I & II. Jackson Lucased all over one of my favorite books. He created such a beautiful universe in LOTRs, that I forgave him swapping Arwen in for Glorfindel, and ignoring the scouring of the Shire. All he had to do was make a simple story, and it was so short he wouldn't need to leave anything out. I would have gone multiple times to see it. I would have bought it. Now, I don't even want to see the third installment, and I won't ever watch it again.

    • Drake

      OK, I may have to FF thru Movie 43 just to see the Josh Duhamel scene.

    • Sara_Tonin00

      Ugh. I guess I had successfully bleached some of the Movie 43 review, because I did not remmber reading those and now regret it.

      Are we sure The Family doesn't belong on this list?

    • Sean

      As scarring as Movie 43 is to anyone who's seen it, Inappropriate Comedy makes it look funny.

    • Jiffylush

      I'm there with you on the Hobbit, but I have no idea why I read all those words about Movie 43.

    • Capitán Spaulding

      Where's the problem in your lines about Movie 43? I find each and every word you put there completely awesome

    • Salad_Is_Murder

      I know, right? It's like they just listed a bunch of awesome parts from that movie.

    • I watched most of the sketches - particularly Halle Berry's and Emma Stone's - with a mixture of horror, disbelief, and beverage-snorting laughter. Yes, it was tasteless gross-out comedy. But sometimes, that works.

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