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Ten Twisted 'Dungeons & Dragons' Monsters That Should Be Adapted By SyFy Originals

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Seriously Random Lists | March 20, 2014 | Comments ()


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It’s no secret that the SyFy Channel is responsible for some of the greatest art of the last decade with its glorious SyFy Originals series of movies so bad they’re not even B-Movies. Really, you’d have to devise a new form of alphabet before you could capture how low of a letter that they sink to. And while every iteration on tacking a shark’s head onto some other creature is glorious in its own way, isn’t it time for some real originals? And by original I mean swiped wholesale from Dungeons and Dragons, which has entire three hundred page books full of nothing but a monster per page. Thus, we have the top ten Dungeons and Dragons monsters that should be adapted by SyFy Originals. TK has already promised to real time review all of these if they are made.*

Also, I know that many of these are adapted (whether by name or not) from actual mythological creatures. But we’re square in Monster Manual context here.

1. Chain Devils. These guys are like Pinhead’s bodyguards. They’re demons who don’t wear clothes, but wear long wrapped coils of chains instead. And then they throw the chains, and they embed in your flesh. And then it’s nothing but “Jesus wept” and “such sights to show you”. ChainDevil.jpg

2. Drider. You know the concept of a centaur? Well swap the horse part out with a spider instead.

3. Kobold. They’re like gremlins. Except with swords. And obscene brains designed for nothing but vicious traps and guerilla warfare. Have a troop of these guys go full Ewok on a platoon trapped behind enemy lines.

4. Mimic. It looks like a treasure chest (and is thus tempting). Instead, when someone opens it to steal the gold, the chest itself eats them. It’s like the Satanic version of a CS Lewis wardrobe. I’m cool with a movie that involves one of these eating an entire boarding school’s worth of annoying children. mimic.jpg

5. Mind Flayer. Picture a purple guy with tentacles where his mouth should be. Now picture those tentacles wrapping around your face and sucking your brain out through your skull. Now that’s date night! Plus if they don’t feel peckish, they can just control your brain and make you go kill your friends instead. So, bonus fun.

6. Owlbear. Exactly what it sounds like. A bear with an owl’s head and feathers on its arms. I cannot believe this was invented except by pairing random animals together, and yet it is one freaky creature. Maybe set one of these up to fight Sharktopus and call it a night? owlbear.jpg

7. Phase Spider. Spiders are bad right? You see one in your house, and then you can’t sleep because you keep feeling like something is running up your leg under the sheets, right? How about a six foot long spider that can teleport through walls? That’ll end well.

8. Vargouille. This is a crown jewel. Picture a disembodied head. With bat wings sprouting from the sides of the skull. It relentlessly hunts you only to abandon you after one good bite. The punchline? It just impregnated you and within a day your head sprouts wings and rips itself free from your neck.

9. Skull spider. I’m sensing a theme here. Picture a skull with spider legs. Then pretend that you didn’t hear that skittering sound on the tile in the bathroom.

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10. Beholder. It’s ten feet wide and made of nothing but teeth and eyeballs on stalks. Oh and if you were just terrified by all those eyes? The eyes shoot magic rays of ruining your days. beholder_70185.jpg

*Note: this statement is what is known in professional journalism as a ‘lie’.




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Comments Are Welcome, Jerks Will Be Banned


  • RhymesWithWitch

    Love the corny, over-acted SyFy movies. Great entertainment on a rainy Saturday ;)

  • Quatermain

    With the Mind Flayers, isn't there something they do where they lay eggs in your brain and slowly turn you into one of them or something? It's been years since I've played D&D, but I seem to remember something along those lines.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    Tadpoles. They insert tadpoles in your brain. The things eat the gray matter and the result's a squid head.

  • Dennis Albert Ramirez

    chain devils and the beholder are my bag.

    well and the mind flayers, because i love the Penny Arcade comic that goes with it

    http://art.penny-arcade.com/ph...

  • Dennis Albert Ramirez

    i mean really, what else do you need to know about them

  • John W

    What? No Gelatinous Cube?

  • Uriah_Creep

    *Note: this statement is what is known in professional journalism as a ‘lie' deathwish.

    Fixed that for you. This is TK you're talking about.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    <--- This little guy is a disappointed that you didn't include him. As retaliation, he'll set fire to your dog and eat your house. Or the other way around. Or both. You'll never know with goblins.

    Anyway, if that's your idea of twisted, your imagination is pretty tame (except for the mind flayers. These guys are fucking scary.)

  • manting

    The githyanki I mentioned below HUNT mindflayers and wage war upon them. They got beef.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    I know. I played one once, although he didn't go Illithid hunting. He was pretty ineffectual, sadly. But in the end, at least he got to punch the annoying Drow ally in the mouth. (The smug bastard dropped darkness in the middle of a fight twice in a row.) I wanted to do that the whole campaign. Good times.

    (Also: Don't use Planescape lingo in a game with a native Londoner if he doesn't know what's what.)

  • manting

    I was always surprised by the beholder that appears in Big trouble in Little China. WTF was it doing there? Also how about a Hook Horror? They were pretty sweet. They look like this http://search.comcast.net/?q=H...

    Or the githyanki - they look like mummies and were totally evil badasses. They look like this - http://githyankidiaspora.wordp...

  • BlackRabbit

    I HAD that damn thing. Is that what it was? Poor deformed bugger killed my Joes many times.

  • sherryb23

    Time to out my inner nerd...but seeing some of these gave me baaad Baldur's Gate flashbacks. Those kobolds don't seem like much but when they're in packs shooting fire arrows at you? When your weaker party members have a tendency to wander away? I tell you, Firewine Bridge has made grown men I know scream in frustration and walk away from the game. As for the Beholder, no. I will not go back there.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    Do you remember the suicide kobolds from BG2? "Aww, look at these pathetic little guys trying to get a bite out of my level 10 party", you think. And then they blow up in Edwin's face. He never stopped complaining about that.

  • sherryb23

    Let's be honest. DID Edwin really ever stop complaining? But yes. I think that we can agree no matter what level you are, kobolds are tools.

    Also, am I remembering correctly that in BG2, Aerie (the cleric/mage) was practically suicidal? In that she kept getting herself effing killed? It's been a long time, I could be thinking of the wrong character.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    Yeah, Aerie was very depressed because she had lost her wings. Unfortunately, that was all that defined her. Not a very well written character.

  • sherryb23

    But she was useful enough that you kind of HAD to keep her, right?

  • Fabius_Maximus

    No. She was only useful until you found a decent cleric.

  • sherryb23

    Oh, that's right! Until you found Anomen (I had to look that up). Who was even more annoying, especially if you played as a female NPC--he was your designated love interest. Whoopee.

  • bastich

    What always pissed me off about BG were those random encounters with ogres, when my party were still all at level two.

    ("I'LL SMASH YOU! SMASH YOU TO GOO!")

  • sherryb23

    Hah, I can hear that as clear as day! Yes, they also sucked. Also also sucking--and not mentioned above? Basilisks. Those silver-eyed, stone-turning little bastards. Nothing like watching a party member shatter into bits. With all their goods, no less. Save early and save often...

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    NEEEEEERD!

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Wow. I saw the header and though Beholder better be on that list. But then I semi convinced myself SyFy had already made a Beholder movie.

    There are a few of these I hadn't heard, mostly the latter skull-based ones. I do not thank you for introducing me to vargouille.

    What's the purply panther creature with snakes coming out of it called?

  • alacrify

    There's a Beholder (well, mini-Beholder) in Big Trouble in Little China - fantastic so-bad-it's-good movie.

    /Gah - Ninja'd by manting

  • BlackRabbit

    Displacer Beast? Also D&D has a mimic EVERYTHING. Floor, ceiling, cloaks, pants. Evil Pants! Imagine a movie where people HAVE to get naked.....or they die. Would that be gratuitous nudity?

  • Vivianne ValdeMar

    I take it none of y'all have read Terry Pratchett, so the fact that they basically slapped a different name on the Luggage means nothing to you... O-kay.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    Don't forget the executioner's hood. Baby cloakers are decidedly not cute.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Yes, Displacer Beast, thank you. I do not D&D, but I have relatives. (well, I do the dungeon board games. D&D minus the actual roleplaying. What can I say, I miss Temple of Apshai.)

  • cruzzercruz

    This just reminded me that tonight's Community is the sequel to Dungeons and Dragons.

  • BWeaves

    Didn't Lady Gaga wear that chain getup to tea recently?

  • Hells to the yes! Sign me up for Owlbear vs. Sharknado! Also the sinspawn from Pathfinder are creepy f@ckers. Picture the Buffyverse "gentlemen", but naked and with a distinct "Seven" thing. Their jaws split in the middle for a nasty bite that gives you a mega-dose of their favorite deadly sin.

  • Ian Fay
  • Drake

    I proudly kickstarted this production. Looking forward to it.

  • Ian Fay

    As a nerd old enough to remember Uncle Bear's Annotated Dark Dungeons (sadly lost to the winds of the net AFAIK) I'm really looking forward to this.

  • makayli verran

    My Uncle Aaron just got an awesome 12 month old Audi A5
    Convertible only from working part time off a home computer... find out here F­i­s­c­a­l­P­o­s­t­.­ℂ­o­m

  • bastich

    Looks like you failed your saving throw vs. douchebaggery!

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