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Ten Takeaway Lessons I’ve Picked Up from College-Themed Movies

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Seriously Random Lists | Comments (26)

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With all the excitement, buzz, and apathy surrounding the release of Inglourious Basterds, most folks have seem to forgotten about one of the other movies coming out this weekend: Post-Grad. The Alexis Bledel movie is about a recent college graduate who is finding it difficult to find the right job, find the right guy, and figure out where her life is headed.

The problem, I think, is that Bledel’s character hasn’t watched enough college-themed movies. If she really wanted to find the right job and the right guy, all she needs to know are these ten words of wisdom that I’ve picked up over the years by watching college movies. And obviously the advice has worked. Look at me! I’m a happily married famous Internet personality!

Ten Takeaway Lessons I’ve Picked Up from College Movies

What is learning? It’s paying attention. It’s opening you up to the big ball of shit that we call life. And what’s the worst thing that could happen is you get bit in the ass. Well let me tell you my ass looks like hamburger meat, but I can still sit down. — Accepted

Ice is what happens when water gets too cold. — Real Genius

You can’t sing show tunes and be depressed! — Dead Man on Campus

No matter what time of day it is, you can find a Michael Caine or Gene Hackman movie playing on TV. — PCU

When it comes to relationships, everyone’s a used car salesman. Love people, just don’t trust the warranty. — With Honors

Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son. — Animal House

You can’t treat every situation as a life-and-death matter because you’ll die a lot of times. — Van Wilder (Also, that Circus midgets cannot hold their booze)

It’s not cheating if you spread peanut butter on your balls and let your dog lick it off. — Road Trip

Violent ground acquisition games such as football is in fact a crypto-fascist metaphor for nuclear war. — Back to School

True love is hard to find, sometimes you think you have true love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show ready to double team your girlfriend. — Old School









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Comments

Jocks only think about sports, nerds only think about sex.

Revenge of the Nerds

Posted by: Rubble44 at August 21, 2009 2:10 PM

You forgot the best, if "Tommy Boy" can be counted among these:

"Lots of people spend 8 years in college!"
"Sure, we call them 'doctors'".

Posted by: Xtreme at August 21, 2009 2:13 PM

Hey Hey Ho Ho - This Penis Party's Got To Go!

Posted by: Kiko at August 21, 2009 2:22 PM

"Can I get you ladies some brewskis?"

"We don't want your penis!"

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at August 21, 2009 2:41 PM

Avenge me son, AVENGE MEEE!

-Red Dawn

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at August 21, 2009 2:44 PM

They say ninety-two percent of the honeys at UCLA are sexually active. Ninety-two of the women in Los Angeles at UCLA walking around going "Class, or sex? What shall I do?" Ninety-two percent, YO!

-Can't Hardly Wait, which is a high school movie that's collegey.

Posted by: Julie at August 21, 2009 2:59 PM

RUDY! RUDY! RUDY! RUDY! RUDY!

-Rudy

Posted by: henchman for hire at August 21, 2009 3:02 PM

I've never been sure if the two girls in "The Four Seasons" (Alda's kids in real life) were supposed to be in high school or college, but I've always gone with high school, and assumptions like that always kept me out of trouble when I was in college. College or high school, the girls have left home to pursue invigorating new educational endeavours, make new friends, and get to the bottom of things like why they need to get an education and make new friends. The less enthusiastic of the two girls reports to her father that her friends like to "get drunk and piss off the balconies". When asked what her female friends do, she indicates that those are her female friends.

Now, I've never gone as far as pissing off a balcony, but one time I severely irritated a mezzanine and the lesson on angering architectural projections was not lost on me!

Posted by: laredo at August 21, 2009 3:03 PM

TOGA! TOGA! TOGA!

Animal House

Posted by: BWeaves at August 21, 2009 3:15 PM

The best lesson cannot be summed up in mere one liners. To pick up a girl, cruise the obits and show up like you had a date with her. Hopefully, the roommate is cute and needs to be comforted........

Or, simply, "Toga! Toga! Toga!"

Posted by: slower lower at August 21, 2009 3:20 PM

Oh shit, BWeaves, you just beat me at the buzzer.

Posted by: slower lower at August 21, 2009 3:21 PM

"Better listen to him, Flounder, he's pre-med."

(In reference to Bluto, of course.)

Posted by: Some Guy at August 21, 2009 3:23 PM

Sometimes you just gotta say 'What the Fuck'.

-Risky Business

About getting into college. Does that count?

Posted by: ed newman at August 21, 2009 3:32 PM

"Masturbating. In the dorms. Well, that's what you get when you go to art school." - Slackers

Posted by: branded at August 21, 2009 3:33 PM

Fight the Phallacracy!

Also, you missed the most important part of the Road Trip quote. It's not cheating because it's your dog.

Posted by: JakesAlterEgo at August 21, 2009 3:40 PM

Just before college, but still:

Ian: Where do you guys get the confidence to, like, hit on every girl you see?
Randy: Cause we're the shit.
Andy: Yeah, you oughtsta know that, betch.

-Sex Drive

Posted by: sansho1 at August 21, 2009 3:42 PM

Slower Lower: I guess that's why you're called Slower Lower, cause you're slower and lower on the comments?

Posted by: BWeaves at August 21, 2009 5:11 PM


"Wait, if you're nice to them they bring you stuff?" Feminist on beer-fetching frat boy (PCU)

Posted by: amanda47 at August 21, 2009 5:12 PM

Um, yeah, that's it..........

Posted by: slower lower at August 21, 2009 5:16 PM

The golden rule of college movies: hijinks will ensue.

Also, I learned that in real life, lines like this don't work unless you look like Val kilmer. From Real Genius:

Chris Knight: Don't eat that!
Chris' Girl at Party: Why?
Chris Knight: Don't you know that eating that stuff can give you very large breasts?
[looks down]
Chris Knight: Oh, my God! I'm too late!

Posted by: logar at August 21, 2009 5:30 PM

Lauren: Abstinence is 100% safe, which is less of a percentage than...
Lara: Whatever, I don't care, I don't major in math.


Sean Bateman: I wonder if Lauren goes wild during sex. I wonder if she comes easily. Or at all. I won't go to a bed with a girl who doesn't. If I can't make a girl come, then why bother? It's like asking questions in a letter.

Lauren: What does that mean know me, know me, nobody ever knows anybody else, ever! You will never know me.

Mrs. Mimi Jared: I leave you alone for five minutes, and you're drinking.
Dick: Drunk. I'm drunk.

God I love IMDB for not making me have to think of the correct wording of these. Ohh by the way...The Rules of Attraction is one of the best college films...ever. (At least in my opinion)

Posted by: Deistbrawler at August 21, 2009 5:32 PM

It wasn't over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor.

Posted by: lwoodpdowd at August 21, 2009 7:13 PM

It wasn't over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor.

Actually, what I learned from that is to shut up when someone is on a roll.

Oh and of course:

"Listen guys, there are plenty of successful people who didn't go to college. Albert Einstein. You know? Pocahontas never went to college. Corey Feldman and Corey Haim; they had a great run. Both Lewis and Clark. Suzanne Somers. Bono."

From Accepted.

Posted by: Fredo at August 21, 2009 8:24 PM


I learned what it meant to be a man from watching Real Genius:

Susan: Can you hammer a six-inch spike through a board with your penis?

Chris Knight: Not right now.

Susan: A girl's gotta have her standards.

Trust me folks, it takes years of hard work and practice - not to mention a lot of natural talent.

Posted by: Lance at August 21, 2009 9:29 PM

PCU was the last time I really liked Piven. My mother and I oddly bonded over that movie, so weird.
One of my fave lines, which pretty much turned out to be true:
"You can major in Game Boy if you know how to bullshit."

Posted by: myysharona (formerly Sharon) at August 22, 2009 12:10 AM

"You're wearing the shirt of the band you're going to see. Don't be that guy."

Best. Concert. Advice. Ever.

Posted by: WestCoastPat at August 24, 2009 6:43 AM