By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Seriously Random Lists | Comments (97)
Anne of Green Gables
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Posted by: Joseph Finn at August 2, 2010 3:28 PM
Re Under the Tuscan Sun: Diane Lane strips off her blouse. That makes the movie a win as far as heterosexual males are concerned.
Posted by: jthomas666 at August 2, 2010 3:31 PM
What? No advanced inclusion of Eat, Love, Pray?
Posted by: Brian at August 2, 2010 3:33 PM
4 of 10 seen. I think that puts me on the hetero side, just barely. I like to think of myself as sensitively masculine.
Posted by: logar at August 2, 2010 3:34 PM
You should probably add Elizabethtown to that list.
Posted by: becks at August 2, 2010 3:35 PM
GAY TRAP!
Posted by: SaucyWench at August 2, 2010 3:36 PM
I only like one of those films. Go me!
Posted by: DeistBrawler at August 2, 2010 3:36 PM
I disagree on Under the Tuscan Sun.
Posted by: Sassy at August 2, 2010 3:38 PM
Mr. Julien bought me Anne of Green Gables. I don't know what that says about his sexuality, but it does make him the BEST HUSBAND EVER!
The list is otherwise irreproachable.
Posted by: Mrs. Julien at August 2, 2010 3:38 PM
I'm not sure how the test works but I've never seen any of those and only really heard of four of them.
Posted by: EricD at August 2, 2010 3:40 PM
I proud to say I've only seen one of those, and that was only because it was on in the room I was in.
Posted by: Kargoyle at August 2, 2010 3:40 PM
Hell, I'm a straight woman and I've only seen 2 of these (1 has Drew Barrymore...the other..well, I DO have a teenage daughter!) so what the hell does that say about me?
Posted by: dammitjanet at August 2, 2010 3:42 PM
I'm pretty sure the boyfriend has never seen a second of any of these. But it doesn't matter since his favorite movie is the man on man love fest that is Top Gun.
Posted by: Julie at August 2, 2010 3:43 PM
Haven't seen any of these, so I'm not exactly sure what that means for me.
Posted by: DrZaius at August 2, 2010 3:45 PM
wait, "emma (all versions)"- does this include "clueless"? because i know a lot of heterosexual men that can quote that movie word for word. plus, there's always alicia silverstone in the white calvin klein dress.
Posted by: _cj_ at August 2, 2010 3:46 PM
Don't hate on Anne of Green Gables. Gilbert was thugged the fuck out.
Posted by: TSF at August 2, 2010 3:46 PM
I'm pretty much a homosexual trapped in the sexuality of a heterosexual and I haven't seen any of these films. They all look dreadful to me.
Don't kid yourself, even if your boyfriend hates these films, he still might be gay.
Now Room With A View, there is a movie that a secretly gay boy would love.
Posted by: imk at August 2, 2010 3:47 PM
I'm another straight woman and I would only watch 2 of these (Emma and Anne of Green Gables) I'm actually re-reading the Anne series now. Yay for the plucky little redhead!
Ahem. But yeah, the manly husband has only seen Emma and that was to please me on my birthday one year.
Posted by: pickled tink at August 2, 2010 3:47 PM
Is the test whether a guy has seen them or whether he likes them?
Cause I've not seen any of them. Nor felt the desire to watch them.
Then again, any girl feel like watching The Road Warrior or The Descent?
Posted by: Fredo at August 2, 2010 3:50 PM
i have a couple of allegedly straight male friends who get all girly over twilight...it's really unsettling. that said, hubby has only seen sex and the city 1, and only cause i dragged him to it, and we both gagged.
Posted by: Sinnh at August 2, 2010 3:51 PM
I want to kill the Notebook with fire. I hate hate hate hate hate hate that movie. It was so stupid and formulaic. That is one of the movies that lowers my opinions of people when they tell me they liked it. Ok, now that I have gotten that off of my chest. I have seen half of these movies and don't really like any of them. I would bet Mr. Nimue has seen Never Been Kissed, but probabaly none of the others.
Posted by: Nimue at August 2, 2010 3:51 PM
Wow. I've seen all of these and own all but three on this list. But I'm a girl so it's ok...right? right?!
I was clearly in a different headspace in the late 90's and early 00's.
Posted by: griffimx at August 2, 2010 3:53 PM
Not only is Alex straight, I'm uh....I'm pretty sure I'm a lesbian.
Not because I'm attracted to any of the ladies in these films but because I HATE all of these films.
So...that's going to take some adjusting
Posted by: Nadine at August 2, 2010 3:56 PM
@TSF
That comment was the equivalent of a dress with the puffiest puff sleeves ever.
Oh Matthew.
Posted by: Mrs. Julien at August 2, 2010 3:58 PM
Um, I actually thought "Never Been Kissed" was rufus.
Can't say I've seen any of the others.
Posted by: Green Lantern at August 2, 2010 3:58 PM
Fredo, those are THIS woman's idea of the perfect movie. Violence, savagery, all the things that make life worth living for!
Hmmm, maybe I'm a straight MAN trapped in a straight woman's body.....
something to ponder
Posted by: dammitjanet at August 2, 2010 3:59 PM
I call shenanigans, because I'm 110% gay, and I've never seen any of these films, nor would I ever want to.
Posted by: Drake at August 2, 2010 4:00 PM
I just rewatched Emma for the bajillionth time this weekend. And watched Sense & Sensibility the weekend before. And I'm desperate to rewatch the BBC version of Pride & Prejudice. I have a girl boner for Austen, what can I say? But Austen done WELL - Keira Knightley and that whole adaptation can go straight to hell.
Also, Clueless is amazing. Male, female, both, neither, I don't care. That movie is awesome and as an incarnation of Emma, it would be on this list and should not be.
Posted by: KatSings at August 2, 2010 4:01 PM
wait, "emma (all versions)"- does this include "clueless"? because i know a lot of heterosexual men that can quote that movie word for word. plus, there's always alicia silverstone in the white calvin klein dress.
Posted by: _cj_ at August 2, 2010 3:46 PM
No heterosexual man could/should quote that movie word for word.
Posted by: DeistBrawler at August 2, 2010 4:04 PM
Just gave this test to my new-ish boyfriend. He passed with flying colours. The only thing he had seen was Anne; but we live in PEI, so it is compulsory to watch it atleast once.
Posted by: booknerd at August 2, 2010 4:05 PM
Because the only man who could love Jane Austen is a gay man?
Posted by: Robert at August 2, 2010 4:07 PM
a more scientific test would involve watching "a streetcar named desire" and observing your boyfriend's unit when brando takes off his shirt.
Posted by: celery at August 2, 2010 4:13 PM
Robert, in my experience?
Yes
Posted by: Nadine at August 2, 2010 4:14 PM
Then again, any girl feel like watching The Road Warrior or The Descent?
This one. Your DVD copies or mine?
I've seen exactly two of these: Sex And The City (I was roped in by other women) and Circle of Friends (that's the one with faux-dowdy Minnie Driver, right? - I have no explanation other than it was the 90s and I don't remember very well).
Posted by: MM at August 2, 2010 4:15 PM
celery, that might not be a fair test since Brando's SEXY branches the Hetero/Homo lines.
It's not gay if you're attracted to Marlon Brando, dudes
Posted by: Nadine at August 2, 2010 4:16 PM
Uh-oh. The Notebook trailer made me tear up and blubber. But I blame my period.
Posted by: diane at August 2, 2010 4:17 PM
Oh come on, gay people have much, much better taste than that.
And the favorite films of your average heteronormative red-blooded American male typically suck.
Posted by: Yossarian at August 2, 2010 4:26 PM
"So which girl do you think is most like me?"
That sentence has been filed under 'Words your boyfriend should NEVER speak after watching Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants with the rest of your family.'
Posted by: penelope at August 2, 2010 4:26 PM
I thought I was in the clear. Then I saw Emma on the list. Sorry, heterosexuality. I really enjoyed it.
Enjoyed the movie that is. That wasn't meant as a farewell to my heterosexuality and the enjoyment it has given me. I suppose I will continue with this ruse that is my sexuality and the perks it provides.
I'll also continue enjoying Emma.
Posted by: DarthCorleone at August 2, 2010 4:26 PM
I've seen 1/10.
So how gay am I on a scale of 1 to 10.
1 being equivalent to the combined testosterone of the entire cast of The Expendables.
and
10 being equivalent to Allan Cummings being fucked in the ass by a pre op transgender with a strap on dildo on The L Word.
Posted by: John W at August 2, 2010 4:28 PM
Well, and if we're counting Clueless as an Emma version, well, who doesn't love Clueless? It has a) Paul Rudd and b) many quotable quotes.
"You're just a virgin who can't drive!"
(at stop sign) "I totally paused!"
"My party clothes are so... binding."
Posted by: MM at August 2, 2010 4:29 PM
nadine, you make a good point.
perhaps it could be used to test whether your boyfriend is an android... or dead.
Posted by: celery at August 2, 2010 4:29 PM
I've seen exactly 1 of those movies, and the concept of seeing any of the others makes me all twitchy. Does that mean I'm straight? Because really: it's up to the Pajiba community to make that decision for me.
Posted by: ahamos at August 2, 2010 4:30 PM
Celery, yes! That's such a better test that that bullshit Harrison Ford mumbled about!
Posted by: Nadine at August 2, 2010 4:32 PM
To hell with my boyfriend. I've seen 8/10 of the movies on this list. What is wrong with me?!
Oh right, I'll watch anything at least once.
Posted by: jM at August 2, 2010 4:40 PM
Penelope FTW!
Posted by: Mrs. Julien at August 2, 2010 4:46 PM
@ahamos
Honestly I don't know know if we can help; I'm not sure we've been able to help make that decision for Dustin and he owns the site.
Posted by: Mrs. Julien at August 2, 2010 4:49 PM
Wouldn't a "Know how I know you're gay?" list of movies include "Xanadu" and "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert"? At least?
RE Fredo "Then again, any girl feel like watching The Road Warrior or The Descent?"
Yes, please.
Posted by: Slash at August 2, 2010 4:51 PM
where is "pride&prejudice"?
to test his heterosexuality,my boyfriend sees "equilibrium" and "troy".He thinks Pitt and Bale are hot in these movies!
Posted by: caro at August 2, 2010 4:55 PM
Then again, any girl feel like watching The Road Warrior or The Descent?
Posted by: Fredo at August 2, 2010 3:50 PM
Oooh, ooh (hand up waving furiously)!!! Pick me, pick me!!!!
Own both on widescreen DVD director's cut.
The Road Warrior was the first movie I saw at a first-run drive-in...only because Dad said the trailer looked cool. I agreed and tagged along with Dad and older bro. Fuckin' blew my 11 yr old mind...and we immediately rented Mad Max the next day.
Mel Gibson was so fine in his younger, not-so-outwardly-insane days.
And props to Pops for letting his baby girl tag along for such rated R fare as Blade Runner, The Hand, and B.C. God, I had fun hanging with belching, farting, and cussing menfolk.
dammitjanet, does it make the straight man trapped in my straight chick body gay for liking your inner het-boy? Now, I'll all confused.
Posted by: latvianluck at August 2, 2010 4:57 PM
I seem to be making a lot of friends over movies. Who knew so many women liked wanton, depraved violence?
Posted by: Fredo at August 2, 2010 4:58 PM
Don't really need to test any sexuality in my life, but I've seen two of these movies, only because I have two daughters: Anne of GG and Twilight. Wasn't really interested, but took a hit for the team.
Proud to say I've never heard of Never Been Kissed, A Walk to Remember or Circle of Friends.
And the rest look like they fall into the romantic slop category.
Posted by: GinKirk at August 2, 2010 5:00 PM
I've seen 3/10. So that makes me a straight gay man.
Posted by: Ping at August 2, 2010 5:02 PM
I think it's HILARIOUS that Dustin came up with this list. As if he'd know the difference between a straight man and a gay man!
Posted by: jimbob at August 2, 2010 5:02 PM
what do these films have to do with finding the idea of sucking on a hard throbbing cock more or equally appealing as burying ones flips and tongue in an engorged quivering picollo theme musiced little cunnie?
Have I missed a point again?
Posted by: PyD at August 2, 2010 5:07 PM
I enjoyed Never Been Kissed.
Should I be worried?
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at August 2, 2010 5:07 PM
Proud to say I have seen NONE OF THEM!
HAH! I'm so hetero I can impregnate women with a warm handshake.
Posted by: logan at August 2, 2010 5:23 PM
well played imk. I'd say anything that the Merchant Ivory boys churned out fits this list rather well.
Posted by: Adam at August 2, 2010 5:49 PM
and by boys, I should have said "team"...since Merchant is a woman.
Posted by: Adam at August 2, 2010 5:51 PM
First, I've only seen "Never Been Kissed." Considering it seems to be on EVERY weekend it's hard to miss.
There is one BIG HETERO upside to all these movies. I know if my SO watches these, I'm getting action that night. She's welcome to watch Twilight and Emma as much as she'd like.
Posted by: Rob A. at August 2, 2010 5:58 PM
Whew, I've only seen one of those, and in my defense, Diane Lane was kind of hot in it actually.
-Frob
Posted by: frobme at August 2, 2010 6:14 PM
Nadine, does that include Northanger Abbey? Cause I'm mad about Gothic parody written at the height of the the ridiculous Victorian Gothic, Austen or otherwise.
I'm just glad that there is nary a musical on this list. When the big sticking point is lit nuts liking Austen, it's a good thing.
Posted by: Robert at August 2, 2010 6:25 PM
I think a guy totally confident in his sexuality will watch Twilight and truly enjoy it. My brother whom I'll give props to is very much into it, he's not a crazy fan or has read the books but will watch it with his girlfriend without the slightest urgings.
Posted by: Jean at August 2, 2010 6:32 PM
I find that a guy who will not watch Delta Force and Iron Eagle with me must go. Or just pick up the bar tab and go.
Posted by: DeckOfficer!! at August 2, 2010 6:52 PM
@Nimue
Take your stinking paws off my Notebook, you damn dirty ape!
Posted by: Matthew at August 2, 2010 7:45 PM
Interesting - you could just as well have called this list "ways to test your boyfriend's intelligence." What exactly are you implying here, Rowles?
Posted by: dsbs at August 2, 2010 7:45 PM
Aww, I liked the notebook. There's a war in the middle of the movie, full on with 'splosions.
Posted by: Sage at August 2, 2010 7:59 PM
How ambiguous, you didn't actually qualify how it tests it, like "if he'll watch these just to have a better chance to fuck you then he must be hetero!"
Posted by: arrrghzi at August 2, 2010 8:12 PM
@latvianluck, I think our inner selves are having a dirty, dirty, raunchy hetero/homo affair.
WHEEEEEE!!
Posted by: dammitjanet at August 2, 2010 8:25 PM
I'm a sucker for romantic comedys so I've seen, and enjoyed, 6 of these. I did hate Twilight though.
Posted by: Sexycakes at August 2, 2010 8:41 PM
Replace 'Heterosexuality with 'Ability to Withstand a Stroke' and then we're getting somewhere.
Posted by: Jo 'Mama' Besser at August 2, 2010 8:59 PM
So am I a big ol'dyke because I like Die Hard?
Posted by: Debbye at August 2, 2010 9:15 PM
The only one I've seen in The Notebook. I hated it. My ex loved it. He left me for another dude. So there. Stereotype confirmed!
Posted by: dia at August 2, 2010 9:23 PM
Seen only 1 of 10, and quite frankly, Angela Bassett alone kicks the ass of all the movies here. Fuck THAT noise.
Posted by: Vermillion at August 2, 2010 9:32 PM
It's not gay if you're attracted to Marlon Brando Timothy Olyphant, dudes
Posted by: Nadine at August 2, 2010 4:16 PM
This is a LITTLE more palatable, but still a bit of the gay.
Posted by: Uriah Creep at August 2, 2010 9:54 PM
I enjoyed Never Been Kissed.
Should I be worried?
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at August 2, 2010 5:07 PM
Yeah, a little. Godammit, Slim, we TRUSTED you!
Posted by: Uriah Creep at August 2, 2010 9:56 PM
Thread should have been called, "Movies that will make you boyfriend go out and fuck someone else after forcing him to watch them."
Ladies, a word to the wise, you have a limited quota of shitty, tear-jerking, fem-fest movies to torture us to before we start retaliating with cock-rocker, blow 'em up action flicks. If you have to torture us with this drivel, at least pick a higher quality film than this list provides.
IMPORTANT: Subjecting us to "The English Patient", "Legends of the Fall", or "A Walk In the Clouds" earns us a "Get-Out-of-Jail-Free" card to be used on a knobshine from one of your girlfriends, sister or step-mother of our choice. A "Twilight" themed movie gets us two. Think about it.
Posted by: bleujayone at August 2, 2010 10:04 PM
Then again, any girl feel like watching The Road Warrior or The Descent?
I love The Descent, sign me up! I also love Never Been Kissed, so it probably evens out.
Holy crap... I just realized I've watched 8 of these movies and own 3 of them. Huh. I should probably get out more.
Posted by: Even Stevens at August 3, 2010 1:01 AM
the list is shit. i only like ONE of these movies, and just BARELY-like it.
and y'all KNOW i can suck a mean dick.
or 12.
Posted by: gp at August 3, 2010 1:28 AM
I'll forever classify my experience seeing "The Notebook" with my girlfriend (now wife) as "Not that bad"....I think it helped that people were sobbing like we were in a funeral. Audibly SOBBING. It was a fantastic experience.
Posted by: Corey at August 3, 2010 1:41 AM
I fucking heart Anne of Green Gables so fucking hard.
Posted by: cletus at August 3, 2010 2:17 AM
Hm, no one thinks that watching "The Merchant of Venice" might belong on this list and do the job well? (The scene where Joseph Fiennes and Jeremy Irons kiss? Anyone? Hm.)
Posted by: Rooks at August 3, 2010 3:47 AM
I've watched none of the above. What does that make me?
Posted by: FabMax at August 3, 2010 5:24 AM
I've watched none of the above. What does that make me?
Posted by: FabMax at August 3, 2010 5:24
---
It makes you me, a zero-for-10 He-Man.
Even with one 'nad.*
*--In my case, not necessarily yours.
Posted by: , at August 3, 2010 9:28 AM
Sweetness. I hate every one of these. I can now go about my day, balls firmly intact.
AND
I have an idea for a SRL, Dustin: Awesome movie characters WASTED on shitastic movies.
Example: Shooter from Revolver
Posted by: kylekap at August 3, 2010 9:47 AM
I seem to be making a lot of friends over movies. Who knew so many women liked wanton, depraved violence?
Obviously, you've been hanging with the wrong crowd. Just about every woman I know enjoys the heck out of a good shit-kicking, blow 'em up picture. A small subset of them swoon for a good gore fest. Let's face it; movies with fighting and explosions tend to have well muscled heroes who spend at least some time with their shirts off, so why not watch them?
Also, romantic comedies tend to set my teeth on edge and movies designed to make women weep piss me off. I prefer those unexpected moments that bring a tear to the eye to the swelling music/separation/reunion/pet dying obviousness that most chick oriented movies trade in.
Posted by: Reba at August 3, 2010 11:11 AM
Only watched part of Under the Tuscan Sun with the padres. Dad has always had a thing for Diane Lane, so he tolerated watching when my mom rented it. If that makes us both gay men, I think I can live with that. None of the other movies on the list were ones I ever wanted to see. I read Circle of Friends in high school and found it rather depressing. Anne of Green Gables and Emma work well as books, so I've chosen not to have novies taint my visions yet.
There are definitely better "not straight man" movies out there. I was thinking especially of Stella, Beaches, Steel Magnolias, or anything else meant to set off what's left of a menopausal woman's estrogen levels.
For the record,Fried Green Tomatoes is exempt from the "not straight" test for middle-aged males even though it is also in the middle-aged female empowerment genre. Exhibit A: The Kathy Bates character hits the vehicle of the skinny blonde coed who stole her spot at the grocery store--a tip of the hat to anger indulgence that a man can appreciate. Exhibit B: Mary Louise Parker is an abused wife who brings out the protective/someone-should-kick-that-b@$t@rd- husband's-@$$ part of a man. Exhibit C: Secret's in the sauce.
The best movies for "testing" a straight man's heterosexuality aren't in the mainstream anyway. Do you know any straight men who have watched Better than Chocolate, Real Women Have Curves, Hedwig and the Angry Inch, or But I'm a Cheerleader on multiple occasions? I'm not saying they're bad movies with no other redeeming qualities (though I didn't really didn't get Hedwig the first time), but I've never been able to talk a straight man into watching them once with me. Something to think about, especially as Dustin might be a wee bit tired of folks questioning the foundations of his marriage to Mrs. Pajiba hyphenate based solely on the occasional chick flick review.
Regarding the suggestion for including Eat, Pray, Love on this list, see
http://www.hsn.com/eat-pray-love_c-ep_xc.aspx?cm_re=LeftNav*shop*EatPrayLove.
If HSN is using it as inspiration for programming, I think it's fair game.
On a sidenote, I found the Sweetest Thing review hilarious, though I've only seen bits and pieces of the Comedy Central version. The reaction to the sister-mance review was probably what inspired this list in the first place?
Posted by: LibraryChick at August 3, 2010 4:31 PM
What makes a guy gay? Not what movie he watches...but if he enjoys have sex with other men. And even then, he might only be bisexual.
Posted by: t6 at August 3, 2010 10:58 PM
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Posted by: cuttiebabe123 at August 4, 2010 8:01 AM
What makes a guy gay? Not what movie he watches...but if he enjoys have sex with other men. And even then, he might only be bisexual.
Posted by: t6 at August 3, 2010 10:58 PM
True, but the root for this list was people giving Dustin a hard time about The Sweetest Thing as an underappreciated gem. So Dustin's list was a joking response. My hypothesis is that any "straight" mainstream movies aren't generally going to be indicators of anyone's sexual orientation. LGBT-oriented movies might be a better indicator, but I still know a number of straight men who love Rocky Horror for its sheer campy fun and Tim Curry's hot legs. :)
Posted by: LibraryChick at August 4, 2010 11:59 AM
So...what I'm getting here is...gay men like really bad movies and Anne of Green Gables.
Good to know?
Guess I don't need any of my DVDs anymore as, clearly, they were not meant for me to watch. I'll trade in Empire Records, The Shawshank Redemption, Beetlejuice, the Pink Panther, and the 2004 World Series for some really shit romcoms and bad movie adaptations. Then I can TRULY be a homosexual, as all that dick suckin' apparently isn't doing it.
Posted by: Kevin at August 8, 2010 4:48 PM
"Guess I don't need any of my DVDs anymore as, clearly, they were not meant for me to watch. I'll trade in Empire Records, The Shawshank Redemption, Beetlejuice, the Pink Panther, and the 2004 World Series for some really shit romcoms and bad movie adaptations. Then I can TRULY be a homosexual, as all that dick suckin' apparently isn't doing it.
Posted by: Kevin at August 8, 2010 4:48 PM"
Eh, you don't have any boxed sets of the Golden Girls, so that just makes you a bear or an otter. I guess the only LGBT folk on Pajiba who count are the effeminate/readily recognizable/sets off the gaydar? No one's ever automatically recognized me as the B in the LGBT around here.
And don't throw out Shawshank! I know some folk around here can't stand it, but I never get tired of watching the library scene where the prisoner asks Andy why The Count of Monte Cristo doesn't go under the "educational" section.
Posted by: LibraryChick at August 8, 2010 5:55 PM
I would never throw away any of those movies. I would sooner bang a chick.
Posted by: Kevin at August 10, 2010 3:43 PM
I don't believe I've seen this described an informative way before. You really have cleared this up for me. Thanks!
Posted by: Amira Bockrath at December 16, 2010 1:01 AM
I don't believe I've seen this described an informative way before. You really have cleared this up for me. Thanks!
Posted by: Amira Bockrath at December 16, 2010 1:01 AM
I don't believe I've seen this described an informative way before. You really have cleared this up for me. Thanks!
Posted by: Amira Bockrath at December 16, 2010 1:01 AM
keep up the nice work on the blog. I love it. Could use some more frequent updates, but i'm quite sure that you have got better or other things to do like we all do. =p
Posted by: bangkok guide at January 26, 2011 5:45 AM
Well, 8/10 of the movies are junk (sorry, Forrest Whitaker), but at least Emma is enjoyable and Circle of Friends has as good creepy performance by Alan Cumming.