Ten Movie Couples With Whom You'd Never Want to Have a Threesome

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Seriously Random Lists | Comments (35)

Jake Sully (Sam Worthington) and Neytiri (Zoe Saldana), Avatar

Chuck (Adam Sandler) and Larry (Kevin James), I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry

Laura Kensington (Charlize Theron) and CW Briggs (Woody Allen), The Case of the Jade Scorpion

Hank Grotowski (Billy Bob Thornton) and Leticia Musgrove (Halle Berry), Monster’s Ball

Sheila Kingston (Rosie O’Donnell) and Fred Lavery (Dan Aykroyd), Exit to Eden

He (Willem Dafoe) and She (Charlotte Gainsbourg), Antichrist

Caleb (Kirk Cameron) and Katherine Holt (Erin Bethea), Fireproof

Dr. Nick Cavanaugh (Julian Sands) and Helena (Sherilyn Fenn), Boxing Helena

Harry Angel (Mickey Rourke) and Epiphany Proudfoot (Lisa Bonet), Angel Heart

James Ballard (James Spader) and Helen Remington (Holly Hunter), Crash

Each Time You Like, Share, Tweet or Stumble a Pajiba Post, An Angel Does the Paul Rudd Dance

← Crazy on the Outside Review | Conan Won't Move to 12:05 →

Comments

"James Ballard (James Spader) and Helen Remington (Holly Hunter)"

Mmmmmmm, hmmmmmmmm, James Spader you say...

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at January 12, 2010 3:03 PM

Not true. I'd fuck a blue alien and so long as Mickey promised to keep his hands (and everything else) to himself, we could make a Lisa Huxtable sandwich. Also, would it count as a threesome if I let Woody Allen get naked, then throw him out a window? Because I would totally throw a naked Woody Allen threw a window.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at January 12, 2010 3:08 PM

Slim, do you have a gash in your leg that is in need of a good deep dicking?

Posted by: Jim Doggie at January 12, 2010 3:08 PM

Tough luck for the gays, the only thing worse for gays than an Adam Sandler/Kevin James threeway is being sent to the Westboro Baptist Church for a day.

Posted by: George at January 12, 2010 3:14 PM

Yeah, concur. Spader is JUST my kind of sick fuck. Why is Secretary NOT on this list?

Hey. So, The Blue cat people in Avatar have sex with those tenticular ponytail things, right?. I didn't see any genitalia. And that line "quit playing with that thing, you'll go blind." I interpreted that to mean that it was peen-like in nature.
Am I wrong? Did I miss something?
And if I'm right, whoa, the bestiality in that flick.....

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at January 12, 2010 3:15 PM

Erm...Hell yeah with Halle Berry and Billy Bob Thornton.

Y'know sexing him will be rough and dirty.

Halle Berry's boyfriend can join us anytimeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!

Posted by: Jean at January 12, 2010 3:18 PM

Caleb (Kirk Cameron) and Katherine Holt (Erin Bethea), Fireproof

"Kirk, why are you staring at me so much? Erin is over there. What? No, I hadn't considered that bananas fit so easily in a person's hand or mouth because they were designed by God. Yes, it's true that bananas are phallic-looking. What? You're feeling low on potassium? I don't understand what that... GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY COIN PURSE!"

Posted by: branded at January 12, 2010 3:20 PM

Max and Charlotte from "Night Porter" got robbed.

For those of you who don't know who they are, Max is a former Nazi doctor who coincidentally bumps into a former Jewish "patient" of his that he tortured in a concentration camp. They unwittingly developed a sadomasochistic relationship which is revived when they find each other again. It's some sick shit.

Check it out; it's part of The Criterion Collection.

Posted by: superasente at January 12, 2010 3:22 PM

Um, ewwwww times a zillion

Posted by: dammitjanet at January 12, 2010 3:30 PM

branded - hahaha!

Hey, if you're getting it on with Julian Sands and Sherrilyn Fenn, isn't that really 2 1/3-some?

Thank you! I'll be here all week!

Posted by: Chickaboom at January 12, 2010 3:38 PM

This is interesting. I couldn't handle Billy Bob Thornton. Not even for Halle Berry. But methinks that Woody Allen couldn't handle me. Can we revise this scenario so that he runs out to get me and she a sandwich? And then holds them out for us to eat? This is a Rainn Wilson/brownies formula, right?

Posted by: Lance at January 12, 2010 3:47 PM

Woody's willy for a chance at Charlize? Hell yes.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at January 12, 2010 3:52 PM

I caught Deck the Halls over the holidays....Danny DeVito and Kristin Chenoweth are definitely a movie couple I'd avoid. Well, not Cheno because she's adorably hot, but I can only imagine Danny DeVito to be a very sweaty bedmate. In fact, during the entire film all I could think was there is no. fucking. way. that Danny DeVito would *ever* get remotely close to Cheno in real life. *shudders at thought of carnal relations with Danny DeVito* To paraphrase Sue Sylvester, I imagine its like watching a walrus wrestle.

Posted by: sheepeyes at January 12, 2010 3:54 PM

What do you mean, no threesome that has James Spader in it? As someone else said, that man is my kind of sick fuck as well.

Posted by: Aislinn at January 12, 2010 4:00 PM

"So, The Blue cat people in Avatar have sex with those tenticular ponytail things, right?."

It's an erotic experience to connect the "queue", but it can't produce babies. The literature says that copulation is pretty much the same as humans, except they evidently don't fool around.

Posted by: Foxeye at January 12, 2010 4:15 PM

I'd get in on that Monster's Ball action. I'd step on Halle Berry's lines until she turned into her persona from B.A.P.S. and it was on. Make me feel good. Just make me feel good.

Posted by: Robert at January 12, 2010 4:16 PM

And by "fool around" I mean have sex with other partners. Insofar as every other interpretation of that phrase..err, the book was kiddie friendly, so they dun say;.

Posted by: Foxeye at January 12, 2010 4:16 PM

That's not Holly Hunter in the pic for Crash, it's Rosanna Arquette. You can tell by the braces she's wearing, not to mention the cheekbones, hair, and giant boob.

Posted by: raleigh at January 12, 2010 4:25 PM

Oh god, I love you so much for including Boxing Helena. I discovered that movie at far too early an age, thanks to my crazy parents.

Posted by: CallMeGinger at January 12, 2010 4:40 PM

Thanks Foxeye. And Damn. Now I have to tell BF he was right. Fucker.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at January 12, 2010 4:51 PM

you forgot gina gershon/jennifer tilly in Bound...because, um, gross.

Posted by: gp at January 12, 2010 5:00 PM

I'd take Halle Berry in a any way I could. She's just too fucking hot. Billy Bob could watch from the sidelines if he preferred.

I'd also do the Avatar folk. In this case, wouldn't the blue balls would be a good thing?

However, I wouldn't sex up Kirk Cameron in any circumstance. It just feels so wrong. Like doing a priest. And not in the Thorn Birds kind of way.

Posted by: Brie at January 12, 2010 5:03 PM

Yeah I know I'm totally sick but I'd have no problem having sex with Billy Bob Thornton circa the time he was with Angelina. He wasn't too fat and seemed hygienic enough for good roadhouse-type sex. He seems like the type that once you got his clothes off he'd have no ass and be pretty skinny, and would keep a toothpick in his mouth the whole time he was on top of you. Afterwards I'd watch him sit at the formica kitchen table in a pair of boxers chain smoking and drinking whiskey from a jelly glass. Thornton is the person bored college girls go to bed with so they have a story to tell later in life.

Posted by: scorzi at January 12, 2010 5:07 PM

How about the cop/rapist dudes in Pulp Fiction who kidnap Butch (Bruce Willis) and take him to their lair where they are havin' the buttsekks with the guy in the ball gag (Marcellus: Ving Rhames).
Anybody want a piece of that?

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at January 12, 2010 5:08 PM

As usual, the list is missing the most obvious #1 possible. Mickey and Mallory would be your worst possible choice of movie couples to threesome with. Why, you ask? Watch the fucking movie if you have to ask that. They have a threesome. Mallory doesn't like it, so she leaves. Mickey kills the other girl. Not most peoples 'ideal fantasy'.

Posted by: Xtreme at January 12, 2010 5:26 PM

Why is Kim K. blowing kisses at me? It is fucking with my threesomes.

Posted by: Lance at January 12, 2010 5:39 PM

What, no Early and Adele from Kalifornia?

Posted by: The Kilted Yaksman at January 12, 2010 7:38 PM

"you forgot gina gershon/jennifer tilly in Bound...because, um, gross."

You are either nuts, or not a dude.

Missing (and the list should be contained to human actors);

Samwise Gamgee and wife
Harold and Maude
The cast of Rent (cynical, but y'know...)
Ben Afleck and Jennifa Yopez because, good God, I can't even look at her and not be repulsed. What happened?

Posted by: D-Day at January 12, 2010 8:55 PM

Mmmmmmm, hmmmmmmmm, James Spader you say...
Posted by: BarbadoSlim

Agreed. It's HOT. SPADER IS HOT. It's the weird lips. They look...how do I put this...? Like they are expert manipulators.

Posted by: popejenn at January 13, 2010 12:14 AM

Oh my god I just read a description of what happens in Antichrist. Oh. My. God.

Posted by: coveredinbees at January 13, 2010 3:26 AM

Oh my god I just read a description of what happens in Antichrist. Oh. My. God.

Makes you just wanna keep your legs crossed, doesn't it?

Posted by: Brie at January 13, 2010 10:57 AM

Where are Mickie and Malorie Knox?

Posted by: SMM at January 13, 2010 2:35 PM

Any threesome that includes James Spader can't be all bad...love me some sexy Spader!

Posted by: jj1960 at January 13, 2010 10:29 PM

Interested in a discrete and mutually beneficial relationship? http://agelessonly.com gives you a chance to make your life better.

Posted by: Celia at January 14, 2010 2:18 AM

MMmmm James Spader.. Mr. Grey.. 4 peas...

Posted by: Tracy at January 14, 2010 3:44 AM

Pajiba

Pajiba: Reviews, Commentary, Angst

Ten Movie Couples With Whom You'd Never Want to Have a Threesome

Comments