Six Predictions For "Game of Thrones" Season 3 By A Non-Book Reading Fan
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Six Predictions For "Game of Thrones" Season 3 By A Non-Book Reading Fan

By Rob Payne | Seriously Random Lists | March 29, 2013 | Comments ()


After the first season of HBO’s “Game of Thrones” ended, I was so desperate to delve back into the world of George R.R. Martin’s Westeros that I did start reading the first book. I managed to get halfway through before I decided that I’d rather not be spoiled for the show with any foreknowledge. Plus, those books are crazy long. Still, I couldn’t stop pondering what was yet to come in the song of ice and fire, though I had no idea how season two would unfold after the surprise death of the ostensible hero and the birth of a trio of dragons in the middle of nowhere. I definitely had ideas about the story’s possible endgame (Jon Snow and Daenerys surely must meet and either join forces or wage the final battle) and a theory about its major secret (that Snow is actually the bastard of Robert Baratheon and Ned’s sister), but the world was too new for me to guess where it could actually go next.

But now, after spending two seasons (and two re-watches apiece) in Winterfell, King’s Landing, the various locales in Essos, and everything in between, with these lord and ladies waging war against each other, I think I’ve got a pretty good handle on where GRRM, and showrunners David Benioff and D.B. Weiss, can take all the disparate storylines in season three. Now, I don’t want you book-reading fans to ruin things for all us n00bZ in the comments, so please refrain from praising my divination skills too heavily. But even if I’m not entirely accurate, I think you’ll all agree that these Six Predictions for “Game of Thrones” Season 3 are pretty logical, if not downright inevitable.

Daenerys Targaryen

With the Council of Thirteen dead and the city without leadership, Dany becomes the Queen of Qarth, which everyone agrees has a very nice ring to it. Naturally, her dragons squelch any possible citizen uprising by being dragons and soon she decides To Hell with Westeros and stays in the greatest city that ever will be to live out the rest of her days, which are spent akin to a never ending Bachelorette reality program. Only, instead of roses, the losers get burned.
By dragon fire.

Theon Greyjoy

Somehow, someway, Theon returns to Pike to find his father has died from a broken heart at what a loser his son turned out to be. Thankfully, his sister, the new ruler of the Iron Islands, is far less cruel and decides to give Theon a ship manned by other less-than-stellar sons. Turns out, rather than rape and pillage, all these boys want to do is sing and dance like the Pirates of Penzance. And that they do, until they sail too close to Dragonstone and are mercilessly killed by Stannis Baratheon who just doesn’t cotton to that kind of frivolity.

Robb Stark

Robb’s impetuous decision to marry Talisa, despite being engaged to Walder Frey’s bridge, er, eldest daughter, will surely set up a Three’s Company scenario where the King of the North and his dual Queens have to hide their shady relationships from their overbearing elders, the surly Lord Bolton and Robb’s mum, Lady Catelyn. Hijinks will undoubtedly ensue, and at some point Lord Frey himself will replace Bolton, ala Don Knotts’ Furley and Normal Fell’s Mr. Roper.

Jon Snow

After Jon slays the Half-hand, he’s given honorary status as a wildling, but he still must prove himself in the eyes of the King Beyond the Wall, Mance Rayder. To do so, Snow must compete in a series of physical challenges that are not unlike a medieval American Gladiators. If he wins, he gets to be Rayder’s second-in-command, and if he loses, he becomes Ygritte’s personal slave. So, really, win-win!

Bran and Rickon

The youngest of the Winterfellians, along with Hodor and Osha, make it Castle Black relatively unscathed. But something is fishy at the Wall, as it seems to be mostly deserted and Maester Aemon keeps rambling about how nobody has cleaned the piss pots in weeks. The Starky Boys decide to investigate themselves, and soon enough they’re solving mysteries such as “The Case of the Unkempt Bed” and “The Case of the Missing Cauldron” on a weekly basis.

Arya Stark

Days upon days spent wandering the Riverlands lead nowhere, until suddenly Arya stumbles upon the Hound as he hightails it out of King’s Landing. Arya decides the Hound is another useful badass, and the Hound decides that one Stark girl is just as good as another, so they team up to find her family. Soon, they encounter Jamie Lannister and Brienne of Tarth, who have grown fond of each other on the road, so things are a bit awkward at first. Rather than make any sort of exchange, the four conclude they are supremely awesome and together can achieve anything. They march back to King’s Landing and kill everyone but Sansa, Tyrion, Tywin, Bronn, and maybe Varys if he shuts up about his lack of genitals for half a second, then the eight of them take turns beating Joffrey to death with his own scepter. And then they all live happily ever after.

The end.

Or is it…?

Rob Payne also writes the comic The Unstoppable Force, tweets on the Twitter @RobOfWar, and his wares can be purchased here and here (if you’re into that sort of thing). He would like to apologize to the direwolf fans out there for not mentioning them, but clearly the show is more than willing to forget about them, too.

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • Talking Finger

    All good possibilities...but no lol. I strongly suggest reading the books anyway, as the series cannot possibly capture the essence and brilliance of the interwoven stories. Ve read the series several times through, and I miss them after a few months.

  • Trevortf

    The series is taking such a turn from the story that I am afraid some of these terrible and terribly un-funny predictions may hit closer to home than you may think....
    Cutting out Slaver's Bay and replacing it with Qarth may be a reality.
    Robb falling in love with some Volantine woman instead of a Westerling gives him to much credit as a character...he blew it and he should pay.
    Tyrion, Danny and Jon's stories are all fairly cerebral and conversational, so I will sure they will find ways to embelish original plot lines further.
    Of course, there will also be plenty of made up junk to keep characters around like Balish, Robb, Tyrions whore, and Stannis
    ...Read the books dude.....

  • thronesfan

    SO excited for this season. Storm of Swords is one of my fav books of all time. Hardly ever drags, and left a cliff hanger nearly every chapter. Really intrigued to see how they adapt it. Daenerys is sooo bad ass in this book, but so is everyone actually. "Dragons are not slaves"

  • Darth Vader

    hahahaha... dude u have no idea!!

  • marie

    the series are not exactly like the books, obviously for those who've read them, so even we, the books-fanatics can't be sure what's going to happen really. Actually, now that I'm thinking about Daenerys, maybe you're right...even though it didn't happen like it at all in the books...

  • cuntballs

    Season 2 meandered like a fucking soap opera. They better make some shit happen in season 3.

  • Game of Thrones

    Dance of Dragons is the best because its mostly Tyrion, Jon Snow, Daenerys, and Bran; Rob and Catelyn Stark get betrayed by the Freys and they all die,
    including their direwolves; arya learns to become a facedancer; jamie
    lannister loses his left hand so he cant fight anymore; daenerys loses
    control of her dragons; wildilings attack the wall but they get repelled
    by the Night's Watch; White Walkers don't do shit

  • Smemily

    Nothing that has been written could ever be as good as that last prediction. Perfection.

  • Michael

    Actually, one of these predictions is partly correct!

  • PDamian

    Sir, I agree with all of your predictions but one. Bran and Rickon will make it out of Westeros altogether, and with Osha and Hodor, travel to a faraway land, where they will find fame and prosperity on television. Their show, airing on PBS, will be called "Training Direwolves the Stark Way" and help people who are having trouble with their familiars. Bran will be affectionately lampooned by many comedians for his trilling cry of "Kill-ies!"

  • Dan

    How sad. While funny, I was legitimately interested to hear a non book-reader's predictions. Now I just have "I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major-General" stuck in my head.

  • Honestly, my only serious theory on next season is that it will be radass. There might be some things above that I think could happen less ridiculously, but other than the parentage of Jon Snow and that he/Dany must meet at some point, I really have nothing. Oh, I think Stannis must have seen the dragons in the flame, or an alliance with Dany -- lord of light, fire, dragons, it just makes too much sense -- and it would make sense if the dragons saved Westeros from the White Walkers, too. Most of that would have to be a ways off, and there are so many storylines I'm content to just wait and watch.

  • Those images are all fantastic.

  • You are so close on these.

  • Sean

    I actually wish they wouldn't split the third book into 2 seasons. I think one big 16 episode season could cover it. And they could move along the series faster, instead of it taking 9-10 yrs and a few re-castings to cover the whole story.

  • space_oddity

    Granted. But I'm interested to see what they do if they have a little more breathing room so they don't always have to be MOVING PLOT FORWARD NOW! Also, if they don't stretch out the books to multiple seasons, we risk hitting the event horizon (ie George being able to finish the next and supposedly final two books).

  • splinter

    totally agree with you, oddity. i am glad the show has proved so successful because it seems likely season three will only add fuel to the fires of enthusiasm. hbo will quickly renew for a fourth season and with season three, no doubt, ending the way it will fans will be chomping at the bit for season four. the ratings are going to go through the roof for those first few episodes in season four forcing hbo to renew for a fifth season. at that point martin should be finished with book six. or close to it. let's give him another year since he will be busy writing scripts for all those seasons and consulting with the producers and such. unless he allows the story to get out of hand (not unlikely!), the end will be in sight at that point. martin may rush to finish the final book so it coincides with the final season of the show on hbo. of course this could all change if martin drops dead--perish the thought! (though let's hope if that's the case that the producers will come up with their own (satisfying) ending. fingers crossed!

  • AngelenoEwok

    I would watch the bejesus out of Full Castle.

  • John G.

    Oh look, yet another post for non book readers. Joanna has read all the books, writes for Pajiba, has her own fucking podcast on the subject, but we still can't get a post for people who aren't too fucking lazy to read a few books?

  • Bert_McGurt

    I'm not lazy, the problem is that the books only TALK about boobs.

  • pxilated

    Ranylt, book three will still be your favorite even after you get all the way through book five.

  • Guest

    No doubt, no doubt. Pretty effing hard to top that one. I laughed, I cried, I screamed in horror and delight.

  • John G.

    "Is there gold in the village?"

  • thronesfan

    i freaking loved that part

  • zeke_the_pig

    I don't know if this is a serious post, a joke post, or a hybrid of the two. All's I know is I ain't even gonna read one bit of it. I'm not doing one modicum of predictive thinking about GoT season 3; I intend to approach it completely and perfectly blind - like a punch drunk moose with a piss-soaked diaper wrapped round its head, to make the eventual impact into whatever lies at the bottom of the Pit of Joy all the better.

  • TheOriginalMRod

    That is hilarious.

    Thanks for helping out with the PTGoTSD. You are a true friend.

  • logan

    You sir are an amazing prognosticator! A regular Nostradumbass.

  • Bibliophile

    My theory about Jon Snow's parentage is similar. But I think he's a true born son of Lyanna Stark and Rhaegar Targaryen. I think the Stark girl went with Rhaegar willingly because Robert was already a proven man-whore even back then.

  • grrrfan234

    But Jon's Hair is not Silver so he can not be a Targaryen!

  • Jb

    Yeah but the targaryens all had silver hair because the siblings all married each other. Remember ayra is said to look like Ned's sister lanna. And ayra and John are described as looking similar in the book. So it's possible that John just got his looks from his mother. Although him burning his hand in the 1st kinda throws it off about dragon blood bc fire can't hurt the dragons supposedly

  • tmurf5387

    This is the theory of many people...myself included

  • Frank

    Agreed. The dragon has three heads.

  • lowercase_ryan

    Your photoshop skills slay me, those are too much awesome for the internet.

  • Meh

    All I can say is you have no idea how eerily accurate some of your predictions are.

  • Guest

    On a serious note, Book 3 is amazing and EVERYTHING happens and you'll just have to wait and see.

  • Sassafrass Green

    Too true! Storm of Swords is my favorite by far. It has all the intrigue and action that the first two books builds toward. And yeah, some of the predictions are... scarily accurate.

  • Guest

    Bk 3's my fave, too, by a yard, but I haven't read 5 yet...

  • lowercase_ryan

    amazing yes, but he's right, they are soooo long. I've been reading storm of swords for a gd month. and I just tried to upvote you, but upvoted myself by accident, so I downvoted my self to cancel it out and now I have a meaningless downvote but I think it'll keep me out of pajiba heaven all the same.

  • Jcd

    i downvoted and upvoted you too. fun times :)

  • PerpetualIntern

    I upvoted both, just to be safe.

  • LaineyBobainey

    I can't get through A Feast for Crows. I'm stuck halfway through it and I just don't care anymore! I want to move on, but I can't make myself keep reading. Tell me it gets better!

  • din mayfield

    it does true it isnt as thrilling as the rest of the books but its really not that bad and the parts with arya make up for the semi boring tedious parts

  • I_Sell_Bookls

    I still hate FfC but it all makes sense in bk 5, A Dance With Dragons, which takes place at the same time as FfC. And, happily, DwD brings all the magic back. Apart from that one thing. Which you kind of half expect to happen at the beginning, but forget about in the excitement, before being all ()*%$ GRRM!!

  • John G.

    Feast For Crows is the hardest to get through. Hang in there.

  • lowercase_ryan

    Honestly I think it's the names that make it a slog for me. Soooo many names, some similar, some stupid, some descriptive, some misleading, it gets to be too much for my ADD. I did 50 pages last night and it took a lot of coffee. Usually I'm lucky with a chapter or two before bed.

  • space_oddity

    The problem is, that's about the point at which (I am surmising) Martin's editor just gave up trying to reign him in, and the story mushrooms out (from its already large proportions) and becomes bloated with all sorts of side characters, side plots, wandering through the countryside, (even more) endless descriptions of feasts... I'm not selling it, am I. Book 4 has a lot of genuine marks in its favor (a bleak and honest depiction of the costs of war on the smallfolk, etc), and Book 5 (arguably?) moves along at a slightly faster clip... But honestly, you could take the both, cut about 60% of them and have a really really great single book, without missing anything. I'm really looking forward to how the TV show edits these together, for example (if we get that far).

  • Sean

    I think that is in fact what the plan is. To combine books 4/5 in one season. They started out as one book, and just got too bloated for one. And Martin realized he could make far more money splitting them.

  • Guest

    The series ... takes a certain stamina, and you have to like the realpolitiking. A lot. I really see why quite a few people turn to other things halfway through Feast. BUT BK 3: O.M.G.*

    *I am saying "O.M.G." like an acronym, all Bladezz-like. I wish I had a gif.

  • Guest

    Also, gah, I confused Bk 2 and 4. Never mind, LB. I know lots of people who give up in Bk 2.

  • LaineyBobainey

    I LOVED SoS, that was so good and then to follow it up with Feast? It's so slooooow and it introduces all of these new characters right off the bat and I want to see the characters that I've come to know and love already, not all of these randoms.

    Gah. I need to just sit down and force myself to read a chapter at bedtime. I've been dicking around with it for far too long now.

  • Guest

    Yeah, I was annoyed by the new characters at first, but by halfway I was happy again. I'm actually loving the expansion of Braavos and Dorne. I just accept that this thing is a broad chaotic project for some fairly sound literary/cultural reasons (at least in my mind--YMMV). But it's a commitment, indeed.

    That said, I miss the FUCK out of Jon's story in Bk 4.

  • Guest

    I'm taking my sweet time reading them as well. Nearly done Bk 4, and it's taken me a good six months to get to this point. Partly, I think, because I'm relishing them as I go... I haven't been this into a fantasy series since my childhood Elfquest years.

  • Meh

    I know, right? So glad they are splitting it into two seasons......dammit, we need a book readers thread.

  • space_oddity


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