The Real Five Hottest 80's Teen Heartthrobs
A Seriously Random List LI / Agent Bedhead
Seriously Random Lists | January 29, 2009 | Comments ()
With all due respect to our somewhat fearless leader, his taste in men (beyond Ryan Reynolds and Robert Downey Jr.) is somewhat lacking. My assumption is that his gaydar (for lack of a better word) really didn’t kick in until a few years ago because, let’s face it, his 80s heartthrobs were pretty much confined to yuk. Seriously, can we assume that some teenage girls were indeed able to move look past the confines of Tiger Beat magazine? Without more empty talk from yours truly, here are the five heartthrobs that were featured in the posters on my teenage walls. Admittedly, these crushes were almost entiredly based upon certain characters each of these guys played in films and, in one case, on television. Still, no one ever said crushes were realistic, did they? Let’s do this:
5. Judd Nelson: This dude excelled at playing bad boys in film and, in particular, The Breakfast Club. His John Bender was obnoxious, crude, and probably went onto a future career in the delicate art of grand auto theft. His existence presented absolutely no-long term prospects, but he was irresistible to Molly Ringwald’s character, Claire. After all, Bender was the only guy in school who didn’t totally kiss Claire’s ass, and, boy, what a great way to piss off her rich daddy. In retrospect, Claire probably thought she could “change” Bender, and, obviously, Bender wasn’t gonna take crap from anyone. As a result, this relationship, as well as John Bender himself, was destined for failure. Still, he was probably good for a few mind-blowing rolls in the sack before his slacker attitude and refusal to serve breakfast in bed every morning caued the novelty of a bad boy to quickly wear off.
4. Scott Baio: Yes, I wanted “Charles In Charge” of me, and I hated Joanie for loving Chachi because, man, Scott Baio was a total dreamboat. As a male nanny of three young children, Baio paired Alex P. Keaton’s goody-two-shoes attitude and sense of (awful) style with an actual work ethic. One could do certain things with those suspenders, if you know what I mean. And I think you do. Actually, if you really think about it, this crush was based almost solely on Baio’s cuteness. Ah yes, the sophistication of teenage tastes rears its hairsprayed head once again.
3. Michael Biehn: As Kyle Reese in the first Terminator film, Biehn sizzled with passion for Sarah Connor. Hell, he even volunteered to travel back in time to save Sarah and her unborn son, John Connor. Yes, their frantic motel coupling while on the run from a killer cyborg was rather cheesy, but, damn, it was romantic because, together, they created John Connor, the future leader of the human resistance against the machines. Of course, Reese was a little scruffy, but he managed to wear it well. Even when Reese stole the pants off of a homeless guy, he managed to do it with a certain amount of finesse. That, my friends, is called survivalism, and it’s sexy as hell.
2. James Spader: In Pretty In Pink, Molly Ringwald’s character (are we noticing a pattern here yet?) falls for the sweet, rich guy, Blaine (Andrew McCarthy). Now, we all know that ol’ Blaine, in addition to sounding like he’s named after a household appliance, probably turned out to be a total bore. In contrast, his best-friend, Steff, introduced me to the coolness that was James Fucking Spader. In fact, this was the first chance I ever had to experience a Spader character, and most of them are much like Steff in their indifference to the world at large and without regard to consequence. Yeah, if I were dating Blaine, I’d definitely dump him for any just about character played by James Spader.
1. Michael Schoeffling: This former GQ model turned teen idol finally had enough of girls screaming, “Jake Ryan!” while throwing their panties in his general direction, so he eventually fled Hollywood and was never seen nor heard from again. According to legend, Schoeffling leads a quiet life as a blue-collar family man with children. Poor dude never got over his reputation as the school hunk who hung out with jocks, dated cheerleaders, and drove a Porsche, but, despite all of these so-called red flags, still managed to think for himself and recognize that beauty and wealth aren’t all that. Jake was the “whole package” and devastatingly gorgeous. His chivalry knew no social boundaries, and many girls who adored his character will admit they’re still waiting for Jake Ryan, whatever that means, even though we all know that Jake Ryan has ruined our expectations for men. As much as I hate to admit this, Jake Ryan was my generation’s Edward Cullen, minus all that vegetarian vampire nonsense. Damn, I hate it when things related to Twilight start to make sense.
Agent Bedhead lives in Tulsa, Oklahoma and can be found at agentbedhead.com.