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Lust-Ranking TV & Film's 20 Best Depression Beards

By Joanna Robinson | Seriously Random Lists | September 30, 2013 | Comments ()


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Nicholas Brody — Homeland: Okay not strictly a depression beard. More of a “I’ve been kidnapped and emotionally and mentally abused until I don’t really know who I am anymore.” Not a good look.
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Jack Bauer — 24: This is another captivity beard. Equally not lust-inspiring.
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Ted Mosby — How I Met Your Mother: Everything Ted does is the worst. We accept this as fact.
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Andy Botwin — Weeds: NO.
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Jack — Lost: I actually found this less upsetting than real world Kate’s addiction to lip gloss, but it’s not great.
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Ron Burgundy — Anchorman: When there are things IN the beard? Foodstuffs? Oh we must look away.
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Eleven — Doctor Who: This is the first and only time I’ll concede that Matt Smith is funny looking.
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Dr. Cox — Scrubs: Well this BARELY counts. It’s more like robust stubble.
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Jesse Pinkman — Breaking Bad: The hair was particularly egregious, but the whole look was tremendously distressing. Especially remembering how he once was.
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Commander Riker — Star Trek: The Next Generation: Riker’s beard is generally one of my favorite’s in TV history, but alternate timeline Riker? Well he was coping with the Borg. Maintenance was futile.
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Max — Happy Endings: Aw who can resist the bear beard?
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Ron Swanson — Parks & Recreation: Listen, this is a monstrosity. But, then again, it’s also Ron Swanson. Basically a Swanstrosity.
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Walter White — Breaking Bad: Honestly? This is the best Walt has ever looked. And he’s BASICALLY The Fonz.
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Bruce Wayne — The Dark Knight Rises: Do you think Alfred snuck in and shaved the sides off in the night?
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Marco Ruiz — The Bridge: I don’t know if it’s Bichir’s accent or the accompanying Hoodie Of Constant Sorrow, but this worked for me. I can’t explain it.
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Mr. Rochester — Jane Eyre: Higher than it has any right to be by virtue of being a Fassbeard.
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John Luther — Luther: You don’t think he was depressed and angry in Series 3? Feh, that’s his secret, he’s always angry.
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Clark Kent — Man Of Steel: What beard?
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Christian — Mouline Rouge: It comes off as more artistic than depressive. But he’s in France at the turn of the century so I’d wager the stench is epic.
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Margaery Tyrell — Game of Thrones: Winner, winner.
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Comments Are Welcome, Jerks Will Be Banned


  • Brooke Michelle

    "This is the first and only time I’ll concede that Matt Smith is funny looking. "

    I think it goes beyond "funny looking."

  • Calum Doods

    Miles - Sideways

  • DataAngel

    Sorry. I can't hear you over the Ewan McGregor header. What did you say?

  • Strand

    Riker grew out the beard to create the illusion of a jawline. People forget how cut he was at the beginning of TNG.

  • Billybob

    No love for James Purefoy's historically accurate mourning beard in Rome?

    Also, Andy Botwin and Ron Swanson should get bonus points for going full Mountain Man.

  • DamnItJerry

    Sean's "quarter Hungarian" beard from Scrubs

  • e jerry powell

    The bear bear OWNS YOU, Joanna.

    Fear the bear beard.

  • Wigamer

    I took to calling Jack "Yak" when he had the beard because it was so very fake. So was Fassy's beard, but again, lust knows no logic.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    Looks like Cavill is all beard.

  • ZbornakSyndrome

    Bichir, Elba and Commander Riker are so manly that I'm surprised a razor can cut their testosterone-laced facial follicles.
    But for the most attractive beard outside of a Scientology meeting, you'd be hard pressed to find anything more lovely than Maergery.

  • AvaLehra

    Three apples high. Three apples high...

  • grr arrgh

    Beginning of Season 2 of 24 Jack had a pretty hot depression beard going. Naturally he shaves it and cuts his hair at the end of that episode though. I have a theory that the seasons of 24 where Jack's hair is fairly long are good and the ones where he chops it off are the kinda crappy seasons. Who's with me?

  • emmalita

    Spy Daddy's prison beard deserves an honorable mention.

  • Maguita NYC

    I never noticed what big ears he has...

  • JoannaRobinson

    The better to have perfect pitch and hit those falsetto notes, my dear. Ahem, this one's for me. https://www.youtube.com/watch?...

  • ZbornakSyndrome

    Spy Daddy deserves all the honorable mentions.

  • jon29

    Sorry, Mountain-Man Dexter.

  • You're forgetting a key one:
    The depression pig-beard that zeke's gonna grow now that Breaking Bad is fucking over.

  • Uriah_Creep

    Ah, pig beards are just the cutest:

  • emmalita

    Is that a pig mustache? That thing will haunt my nightmares.

  • Uriah_Creep

    It's actually called a "bearded pig", hence my Zeke + beard allusion. I saw one of these when I did some work at the Philadelphia Zoo. Aren't they pretty?

  • emmalita

    That pig is insouciant.

  • Uriah_Creep

    Well, sure, he's probably had 5 or 6 beers already... Oh, you meant the real pig, not Zeke, right? My bad...

  • emmalita

    As for pig, zeke_the_, I don't know what he's like after 5 or 6 beers. Is that his usual lunch? Is he belligerent? Insouciant? Or perhaps incoherent? We can only hope that after 5 or 6 weeks of depression beard he looks as jaunty as the Bornean Bearded Pig, and recovers enough to join us when Justifed returns to TV.

  • bastich

    Just for comparison....

    Happy beard!

  • troublesometots

    Bet-you-didn't-notice-because-the-mullet-distracted-you beard:

  • emmalita

    That beard is one wrong move away from the neighbors stating what a nice man he was, and how shocked they are to learn he was painting with the ground up bones of his victims.

  • bastich

    "I made them into happy little trees," he'll giggle as the police drag him away....

  • AvaLehra

    Remember that Tales from the Crypt where Tim Roth was a failed painter and he only became talented whenever he would paint with the blood of a murder victim? Somehow it all comes back to Tales from the Crypt with me, doesn't it?

  • Bert_McGurt

    Barely-contained-rage beard:

  • llp

    Tightly wound evil beard.

  • BWeaves

    That's not a beard. That's a Sharpie doodle.

  • AudioSuede

    Can we talk about how stupid the last episode of this season of Luther was? Because it infuriated me. So much of it simply made no sense at all.

  • The Hoodie of Constant Sorrow somehow broke my heart. It was probably Gus's, yes?

  • JoannaRobinson

    100%

  • damnitjanet

    I see what you did there

  • ryallen

    How is Walt not higher? Superman? Are you kidding?

  • AvaLehra

    "And he’s BASICALLY The Fonz."

    Hahaha! I love that. I wonder how many people will actually get what you're talking about. I mean, they may know who the Fonz is but will they know the jukebox maneuver? Gah! Never mind! I feel old!

    ...so old...

  • Ben

    I'm 26 and Happy Days was played constnatly in the afternoon before the news after school. I'm pretty sure everyone has watched the Happy Days regardless of how old they are.

  • I am a mere 28 and when Walt whacked the snow off the window last night I turned to my husband and said "Oh, so now he thinks he's The Fonz?" What I'm saying is, all hope is not lost. Happy Days lives.

  • bastich

    I think you just jumped the shark.

  • AvaLehra

    While wearing a leather jacket and swim trunks!

  • llp

    I get your reference. But, I am old, so that might not comfort you. Heeeyyyyyyyyyy.

  • AvaLehra

    I actually own this record. It has a hidden stand on the back, so you can make the record into a giant portrait of Fonzie. I know, I'm almost as cool as Fonzie.

  • llp

    Don't give up trying! One day you can be as cool as him too!

  • Danar the Barbarian

    But Maergery is a woman, she doesn't have a beard - oh wait. I see what you did there!

    But seriously, being Renly's beard was less desperation and more a power grabbing opportunity. How else was going going to fulfill her dream of not just being a queen, but being THE queen? Wait, is that another gay reference? Is there something Maergery is keeping under her kirtle? Stay tuned for Season 4 of Game of Thrones!

  • Maguita NYC

    I have never feared for my ovaries' sanity before. Torn between Ewan McGregor's gorgeous beauty, and that manliest of manfur on Henry Cavill, OMG HSGL.

    Must. Go. Take. Pregnancy Test.

  • semiotheque

    I liked this joke better when it was about Katie Holmes.

  • NateMan

    I see what you did there...

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