Lloyd Dobler Can Shove That Boombox Where The Sun Don't Shine: The Most Iconic, Unromantic Gestures
By Joanna Robinson | Posted Under Seriously Random Lists | Comments (48)
To quote one of the romantic heroes on this list, “We live…in a cynical world.” Too, true, Jerry, too true. I don’t count myself among the cynics. I promise you, I love a good romance. There’s something delightfully indulgent in letting yourself be swept up in a love story. I love that Tom Hanks knows that Meg Ryan’s favorite flower is the daisy in You’ve Got Mail. That he reads “Pride and Prejudice” in order to impress her. I get a little choked up when Joel Barish simply tells Clementine “Okay,” after she’s listed the reasons why their relationship won’t work. My heart flips when Harold Crick presents a bouquet of flours to his baker sweetheart Ana. But you won’t find those gestures on the usual “Most Romantic Movie Moments” lists. Instead you’ll find these, and I find that baffling. Maybe there’s something broken and warped in my soul, but these particular interactions never got to me. So since February is upon us and Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, let’s take a moment to reassess these iconic “romantic gestures” for what they really are.
Casablanca—“Here’s Looking At You, Kid.”
There’s a complicated shell game at the center of Casablanca. Who will take the precious letter of transport and get the hell outta Morocco. Will it be Rick and Ilsa? Ilsa and Viktor? In the end Rick takes the noble high road and sacrifices himself so Ilsa and her husband can flee to freedom and continue their political fight. Is it brave? Yes. Noble? Sure. Romantic? No. In fact, Rick is rejecting romance for the greater good. It’s a lovely, dramatic, emotional scene. But romantic it is not.
Love Actually—“Just In Cases”
Unlike some hard-hearted bastards, I do love this movie. Well, most of this movie. Despite my affection for Colin Firth I cannot get behind his terrible plot line wherein he rebounds, hard, for his Portuguese maid. Despite the fact that they can’t communicate with one another. But he’s sure he loves her because their bond is, what, deeper? And he fancies her tattoo? Then the dimwit proposes to her…because he learned some Portuguese (good first step). And this all takes place, mind you, in the span of one month. At least the porn couple talked to each other. I suspect writer Richard Curtis knew this particular depiction of love was specious given Aurelia’s awkwardly flirtatious jokes during the epilogue. (“I think, maybe now I have made the wrong choice? Picked wrong Englishman?”) Oh, Uncle Jamie, when you get cheated on again, we’ll be there to pick up the pieces.
Gone With The Wind—“You Need To Be Kissed…And Kissed Hard.”
Oh there are many problems with this film. We all know this. But this is not an article about race so allow me to focus solely on the relationship between Rhett Butler and Scarlett O’Hara. He’s an arrogant but “tender-hearted” rake, she’s a tough, selfish, conniving b*tch. But they’re meant for each other! Sure, fine, I see that. I like a story when two strong-willed people find each other, scrap a bit, and come together at the end. But the relentlessly aggressively sexual way Rhett approaches Scarlett? The scene where he essentially rapes (or “ravishes”) her and she adores it? That doesn’t sit well with me. Never has.
Titanic—“I’ll Never Let Go. I Promise.”
You know what’s romantic? Rolling your shapely ass over a bit so your heroic lover can share that raft/door/ornamental headboard? with you. Oh did it capsize on your first try? TRY AGAIN. No dice? Then maybe you should consider taking turns in the freezing water. I’m just saying, surviving is more romantic than dying, no matter what Shakespeare said.
Say Anything—“In Your Eyes”
When this particular love scene pops up on “Most Romantic Movie Moments” lists, and it always does, the author inevitably includes the written equivalent of a nervous laugh. Usually it goes something like this, “My god, this is SO romantic. I mean, ha, it would be SUPER creepy, if it weren’t, like, SO ROMANTIC.” Yeah, no, folks, it’s super creepy. I love Lloyd Dobler. If I were Diane Court I would count myself awfully lucky to snare him. But if you break up with someone and they end up outside your window…at night…playing the song you had sex to? I’m sorry, that’s just one shinny up the drainpipe away from Edward Cullen mouth breathing* in the corner while you sleep. Once again, I love Lloyd Dobler, I’m awfully glad he got the girl, but this business is over the line.
Pride and Prejudice—“You Must Allow Me To Tell You How Ardently I Admire And Love You”
Admittedly, I picked this version of Mr. Darcy’s famous proposal because there is the added nonsense of the pouring rain and the insipid moment where they almost make out/snack on each other. But that silliness aside this is an UNromatic moment, people. Lizzie sees that, why can’t you? Darcy loves her against his will and tells her so. He confesses that she is beneath him, that he disdains her family. And while this may be strictly true, it is no way to woo a lady. The beauty of the character of Darcy is how he evolves over the course of the story. Similarly, it’s equally important for Elizabeth to come to understand him better. The gulf between them in this scene is intentionally wide so you can measure the distance they travel to find each other. So, please, do me a favor, save your swoons for later. Collapse during that idiotic stroll through the moor at dawn, if you must. But spare me here.
Jerry Maguire—“You Had Me At Hello.”
So, there are plenty of reasons for our hero Jerry to like Dorothy Boyd. She went with him! She believes in him! She bent her life around his! Her kid is awfully cute! Or awful! Or something. But he treats her like crap, takes her for granted, neglects her. So she does the strong thing and leaves him. Well done! And, inevitably, he grovels in order to win her back. As well he should. And what does she do? She says, “You had me at hello.” As in, it doesn’t matter that or if he learned the error of his ways. It doesn’t matter if he’s grown as a man. He’s there! She’s his! End of story! Strike two, Cameron Crowe. You’re better than this. You gave us, ” I just happened to be nowhere near your neighborhood.” Get it together, man.
Notting Hill—“I’m Just A Girl, Standing In Front Of A Boy…”
Oh these simpletons deserve each other. Have at it, simpletons.
*Fine, fine, Twihards, Edward Cullen probably doesn’t mouth breathe…because he doesn’t, well, breath. BUT HE’S MOUTH BREATHING IN HIS SOUL.
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Comments
Posted by: Rubble44 at February 2, 2012 12:18 AM
I was posting the Patton Oswalt thing after looking at the picture....it is hilarious.
Where is Andie Macdowell and her dazzling reading of the line "oh, it's raining, I hadn't noticed". That was pure shite and it almost ruined a pretty good movie.