By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Seriously Random Lists | Comments (73)
Chris Rock
Amy Poehler
Meryl Streep
Tom Hanks
Steve Carell
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Posted by: Brian at July 29, 2010 11:32 AM
So, this is the Unbangables list?
Posted by: BWeaves at July 29, 2010 11:35 AM
Yep.
Posted by: ERM at July 29, 2010 11:35 AM
Speak for yourself. I've had a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig crush on Chris Rock for a while.
Posted by: Pippa at July 29, 2010 11:36 AM
This was entirely true until reading the list gave me thoughts of the most average looking celebrity orgy ever.
Posted by: L4NkYb at July 29, 2010 11:37 AM
Huh, I actually fully agree. I mean now that I think about it.
Posted by: Nimue at July 29, 2010 11:37 AM
Haha, that reminds me of when Barbara Walters told Tom Hanks in an interview that he wasn't a handsome man. And he just kind of chuckled in bemusement. I love him. Fuck you Barbara.
Posted by: Dorothy Snarker at July 29, 2010 11:39 AM
It's not really an UNbangables. We reserve that shit for those vile buckets of seminal fluid that propogate TMZ on a nightly basis.
How about the NOTGONNAbangables? I dunno, needs some creating thinking a veritable wordsmith that isn't functioning on 3 hours of sleep, a la this guy.
Posted by: D-Day at July 29, 2010 11:40 AM
I don't think Ms. Streep or. Mr. Hanks would have made this list 20 or maybe even 10 years ago.
Posted by: Mrs. Julien at July 29, 2010 11:41 AM
You can take Poehler off that list. She's cute and funny as hell and I have been known to entertain a thought or two about her at one time or another.
Agree on Streep, though.
Posted by: TylerDFC at July 29, 2010 11:42 AM
Freakishly accurate. Just the thought of any of these people in a sex scenes makes me feel all weird. And you know what? Has there even been that much kissing (let alone making out) in a Tom Hanks movie? The only one I can think of with any kind of serious sexy stuff was Big, and that one was just uncomfortable.
Posted by: figgy at July 29, 2010 11:44 AM
I'd get with Mr. Carrell. Funny is sexy. Also, Tom Hanks circa Big was totally bangable.
Posted by: Tammy at July 29, 2010 11:44 AM
Yeah, I wanna bang Tom in the ass.
Posted by: Kballs at July 29, 2010 11:46 AM
Sorry but I think Amy Poehler is hot. It's the only reason I watch Parks & Recreation.
Posted by: John W at July 29, 2010 11:46 AM
Tom Hanks in Turner and Hooch. I always had a thing for him, even in his underwears.
Posted by: Julie at July 29, 2010 11:48 AM
Speak for yourself, Tom Hanks is in my dreams all of the time.
Along with Hooch
and Wilson
Posted by: mswas at July 29, 2010 11:48 AM
No way, Meryl Streep is totally masturbation material. I bet she'd be like, a teacher. In bed.
Posted by: teacupnosaucer at July 29, 2010 11:50 AM
Hell, Chris Rock has a whole bit about this.
Posted by: Mrcreosote at July 29, 2010 11:50 AM
Holy shit - you're right!!!
Posted by: SarahReznor at July 29, 2010 11:57 AM
Get outta my mind, Rowles!!!
Posted by: MelBivDevoe at July 29, 2010 12:01 PM
I disagree. Especially about Poehler. So I'm strange, what's new?
Posted by: ThunderSacTriumph at July 29, 2010 12:02 PM
I agreed until you got to Steve Carrell. I've had a thing for him for years. Not in any of his movies or tv, mind you, but in interviews he's charming as hell.
Posted by: MissGina at July 29, 2010 12:06 PM
I *may* have had a small crush on Tom Hanks circa Bachelor Party.
Of course, I was 13 at the time.
Posted by: Anna von Beaverdouche at July 29, 2010 12:10 PM
Also, I *may* have a small crush on Chris Rock right now.
Funny and smart do a lot for me.
Posted by: Anna von Beaverdouche at July 29, 2010 12:11 PM
Hey Anna, I'm in Mensa and look like a version of Superman.
*wink*
Posted by: Kballs at July 29, 2010 12:16 PM
Amy Pohler is hawt. Sooo, hot.
Posted by: superasente at July 29, 2010 12:23 PM
Agree with all except Steve Carell. But that's mainly because he wouldn't mind being in a threesome with Stephen Colbert.
Posted by: Aislinn at July 29, 2010 12:23 PM
I think Tom Hanks sort of murdered any potential he had as a sexual object with Forrest Gump.
But I totally disagree on Streep.
Posted by: sheshakes at July 29, 2010 12:24 PM
I have to disagree on Meryl Streep. I wanted to spend the rest of my afterlife with her after seeing Defending Your Life.
With Amy Poehler, I want to have dirty thoughts about her, I just can't.
Posted by: RobP at July 29, 2010 12:26 PM
I disagree with this whole list. Since celebrity itself is a type of fetish, it seems like it would be tough to find a real A-list star who would fit this bill. Once you throw in “likeable” and “not unattractive” some people are bound to have thought of boning them. If you take those terms off the table, well, then the list is nearly infinite but Tim Allen is definitely near the top. The thought, simply appalling.
Posted by: Harry Coverts at July 29, 2010 12:28 PM
Harrison Ford never did anything for me. And now that he is firmly in old man territory, I doubt he ever will.
Posted by: Lola at July 29, 2010 12:31 PM
At least three of these are incorrect...oh Tom...
Posted by: ChristianH at July 29, 2010 12:38 PM
Maybe Streep in The French Lieutenant's Woman, but not now. She reminds me of my mom, and she's not even white.
Posted by: sars at July 29, 2010 12:40 PM
Amy Poehler
First the Hamm thing, now this....you got eyes, bitch??
Posted by: Jay at July 29, 2010 12:42 PM
Who said Amy Poehler is likable?
Posted by: Dangerous Dave at July 29, 2010 12:55 PM
I'm fine with everyone else, but I want to smash Chris Rocks face in.
Posted by: Theseus at July 29, 2010 12:55 PM
There should be a ' in there lol.
Posted by: Theseus at July 29, 2010 12:56 PM
Natalie Portman
Posted by: arrrghzi at July 29, 2010 1:05 PM
nonononono....I must disagree. I've had a big thing for Tom Hanks for years. Several other ladies have agreed with me. Money Pit, anyone? I'd have pulled him up out of that floor and made all that time waiting worth his while...
Posted by: dammitjanet at July 29, 2010 1:13 PM
Erm I've always had a thing for Tom hanks...specifically 80's/90's Tom Hanks (Splash, man with one red shoe anyone?)
Posted by: awwwwkward at July 29, 2010 1:19 PM
It's funny how there are so many unlikable, attractive celebrities I've had plenty of sexual thoughts about.
Posted by: sars at July 29, 2010 1:20 PM
Oh, hey there, KBalls.... how YOU doin'?
Posted by: Anna von Beaverdouche at July 29, 2010 1:25 PM
Incorrect. Post-baby Amy Poehler isn't looking as good, but prior to that she put a boner in my pants. I still have sexual thoughts about her always.
Posted by: Raleigh at July 29, 2010 1:39 PM
Carell is sexy in my opinion (except in "little miss sunshine")
Posted by: caro at July 29, 2010 1:51 PM
I OBJECT.
WTF no banging Tom Hanks?
Funny folks turn me on. Laughing is sexy. And he's adorable . Volunteers made me very aware of what a white dinner jacket can do for a man who is funny and adorable. Instant hotness.
Mmm-hmm.
Posted by: latvianluck at July 29, 2010 1:53 PM
Meryl circa Kramer vs. Kramer and Manhattan was extremely attractive. It's true that I haven't had sexual thoughts about her recently, but by the very act of creating this list, the seed has been planted. She might not have Helen Mirren sex bomb status, but she is still very appealing.
Posted by: DarthCorleone at July 29, 2010 1:55 PM
Maybe Meryl in a nun's habit doesn't elicit sexual urges (at least I hope not), but Meryl in Sophie's Choice or any other movie that shows her kissing . . . Have you seen that woman kiss? She absolutely KNOWS what she's doing. In her day, she was absolutely bangable. Don't tell me that kind of talent isn't sexy.
Posted by: jimbob at July 29, 2010 2:03 PM
It's like saying "Don't think of elephants", basically, eh DarthCorleone?
Posted by: teacupnosaucer at July 29, 2010 2:05 PM
Carrell is a weird one. He's not BAD looking, and he's really hilarious and actually has a great body if you don't mind all the hair (see 40 Year Old Virgin) and a good nose. I like a good nose. I think the problem is that I feel like I would be attracted to MICHAEL SCOTT, and that just makes me want to sob. Or as Jan once said
"I'll collapse into myself like a dying star".
Posted by: figgy at July 29, 2010 2:07 PM
Looking for bi'g and t'a'll sing'les, please check: ---BigTalls ,, C'o "M ---- ,More fun waiting for you... Meet me - shirleylv23
Posted by: kyle at July 29, 2010 2:13 PM
Julia Roberts.*
Nope, not once. Ever.
*--I know you said "likable" and I don't like her at all, but I acknowledge she MUST be likable to lots of people to command star status and salary. And you can toss the likes of Penelope Cruz and maybe SJP (though I don't think she even reaches "not unattractive" status) into the same statement.
Posted by: , at July 29, 2010 2:19 PM
right, I get the vibe of this - there's people you DESPISE in all ways (like Julia Roberts), people you both like, admire, and want to fuck (JGL, RDJ), and then there's the people you like and admire, think are attractive and yet STILL just don't think of in a sexual way. This is pretty much the perfect list.
Posted by: southwer at July 29, 2010 2:56 PM
*checks pants*
Nope. You're wrong about Amy Poehler
Posted by: Odnon. at July 29, 2010 3:03 PM
Poor Chris Rock. Even when he fell naked from the sky in Dogma, I still didn't think any sexual thoughts about him.
Posted by: agent bedhead at July 29, 2010 7:02 PM
I think the problem is that I feel like I would be attracted to MICHAEL SCOTT, and that just makes me want to sob.
figgy nailed it. That character is so inextricably intertwined with Carrell that I cannot fathom having sex with him. Easiest way to kill a lady boner? Think of Michael Scott.
Posted by: MelBivDevoe at July 29, 2010 9:56 PM
Mamma Mia - Streep sold
a) being only 40-ish,
b) being Amanda Seyfried's mom, and
c) being hot enough back in the day that three dudes that were banging you back then, would come back 20 years later to see what's up.
I would hit that.
~
Posted by: Meander at July 29, 2010 10:15 PM
With Amy Poehler, I want to have dirty thoughts about her, I just can't.
Posted by: RobP
Yeah - I should, but I don't.
Posted by: Meander at July 29, 2010 10:17 PM
Wha?
Well, of course not! It hasn't been the same without Burt Lancaster--that's what the teens told me, at least.
Who is this 'you', anyhow? Should I be clipping my fingernails? As far as I tell, misapplied logic is what this baby needs.
Scenario 1: The Outright Lie
Now, I'm no science witch or anything, but I'd like hear to hear more from the peer review board. Daytime panel television also knows a lot more about our sexual motivations than we do, and they've teamed up! Let's hear one those fuck nuggets of truth.
Example: ''We' have been researching very deep into the 'gay' science, and it's all sewn up! The reason why more women are now more frequently entering into same-sex unions later in life isn't because they feel secure enough to do so or have found a desireable partner, it's because once they turn 23, their uteri hit the floor, signalling their utter lack of pull factors to The Wangs Who Got Away. It's desperation, not love!'
-Courtesy of Elisabeth Hasselbeck, Po.S.
Scenario 2: The Objective Correlative
Example: T.S. Eliot's 'Hamlet and His Problems'
What exactly IS the emotion that our author-artiste who constructed this here to express? The images are the objects in question, so, are they being assembled into a photo chain in order to elicit feelings of frigidity from us? Were the Lifetime Whores too empowered for you? Are the full, pulsing libidos or the readership so terrifying in all of their foaming, frothy, bubbling lust that you have decided to create an artificial situation in which you use these images as a formula for throwing flour and chicken entrails on the grease fire that is the base, carnal, reptilian shame-buggy called lust? For shame.
C.P.E. Bach never wanted you to abuse empfindsamkeit in this way. Return to your Benedictine backslide into prudishness and go!
-Special thanks to W. (Babyshakes) Allston and the year 1840
Scenario 3: The MADNESS!
Example: Carmelites do it better, so you have clearly picked the wrong whore--horse here. Or, I could be due for a refill of some sort. Please don't ply the permanent retainers out of my mouth if I lose the calling and fall asleep at some point in the future. I've had enough oral surgery for one lifetime. But if I find myself suddenly giving a rat's rump about Scarlett's husband one day, I'll know that my visions were true.
Posted by: Jo 'Mama' Besser at July 29, 2010 10:45 PM
You had me until Steve Carell. As Michael Scott, absolutely not, no way. But I had such a crush on him in The 40 Year-Old Virgin and Date Night.
And he has really nice eyes.
Posted by: lindsaco at July 30, 2010 12:01 AM
I dunno - Meryl Streep looked pretty damn eff-able in The Bridges Of Madison County... so sweaty. Mmm.
Posted by: Ed at July 30, 2010 4:52 AM
Not true. Amy Poehler is always pretty and occasionally hot on Parks & Rec, and Meryl Streep was hot enough in that poster for that movie she did with Alec Baldwin.
To clarify: hot = sexy, but it does feel weird saying that about Meryl Streep.
Posted by: Lucas at July 30, 2010 4:58 AM
What I find interesting about this post is the way in which it reveals that one can be attractive yet not trade entirely on being attractive. In short, one has some control over whether one is simply a sex object and cannot argue credibly that, despite their efforts, they simply can't avoid being objectified (I'm looking at you, Olivia Munn).
That being said, were I a lady-lover, I'd say Laura Linney. Pretty with very nice legs, yet not a sex object. As a woman who likes dudes, I'm going with Denzel Washington. Absolutely perfect to behold and really not that old and, yet, always has a stern Dad/preacher vibe to me. I just can't objectify the man.
Posted by: samantha t at July 30, 2010 11:20 AM
I must second Tom Hanks and, increasingly as he gets older, Matt Damon.
Posted by: samantha t at July 30, 2010 11:21 AM
samantha,
You're not really sticking with the spirit of the idea. Denzel???? He always makes the list of most attractive celebrities. We're talking about marginally attractive people, not most-handsome-man-on-the-planet attractive.
Then you went to Matt Damon? Matt "Panty Blaster 3000" Damon????
*shakes head, walks away mumbling*
Posted by: Kballs at July 30, 2010 12:03 PM
I hear you about Denzel, but Matt D. is merely cute, not leading man gorgeous. I love him, think he's affable, and actually used to drool over him, but not so much anymore.
Posted by: samantha t at July 30, 2010 2:36 PM
Hanks is a tool.
Posted by: james at July 30, 2010 10:36 PM
Carell and Streep are both pretty hot. This list is wack. Or maybe I'm wack.
Posted by: kayla at July 30, 2010 11:38 PM
^^^^^^^^^^^^ Sugarmommamatch. C O M ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
An older woman who frequents clubs in order to score with a much younger man. The
cougar can be anyone from an overly surgically altered wind tunnel victim, to an
absolute sad and bloated old horn-meister, to a real hottie or milf. Cougars are
gaining in popularity -- particularly the true hotties -- as young men find not only
a sexual high, but many times a chick with her shit together.
Posted by: alice at July 31, 2010 12:12 PM
Uh, I have nothing BUT sexual thoughts about Steve Carell. Have you noticed he's got a nice broad chest? And as per Get Smart, a nice ass? And that he's hilarious?
He can come to my bunk anytime.
Posted by: Jessica at July 31, 2010 10:05 PM
Aislinn said it before I could: Steves Carell and Colbert are hot and I've had the same threesome thoughts about them.
I agree about Denzel. Completely non sexual to me.
I used to feel this way about Tom Hanks, but in the last few years I decided he's appealing, or was before the Robert Langdon hair.
An ex boyfriend of mine is into Amy Poehler. Kristin Wiig too.
Matt Damon doesn't appeal to me, Ben Affleck used to, I'm not sure what killed it for me. I've never seen any of his truly awful movies, so that isn't it.
I know some women are into DeNiro but I think he is the opposite of sexy. I hate his squinty frowny face expression.
What about Drew Carey? He's funny and has a great laugh and a nice face. I've entertained crushy feelings but never really thought of him sexually. I'm undecided there.
Harrison Ford in Temple of Doom got me all wound up (I think I was thirteen), and for a few years after. Lately not so much. I think it might be the roles he's taken.
Samuel Jackson almost appeals to me, but he scares me too much.
Colin Firth. I know lots of women go gaga for him, but he's just so damn bland to me, at least physically. I love his movies though.
Posted by: Viking at July 31, 2010 11:00 PM
umm meryl streep isn't even likable, she's like evil incarnate for the sweater set. and everyone knows she was hatched not born and is asexual, sporting a smoothy like an angel
Posted by: idleprimate at August 1, 2010 1:44 AM
Ever seen The Deer Hunter?
The French Lieutenant's Woman?
Sophie's Choice?
Out of Africa?
Postcards From The Edge?
The Bridges of Madison County?
Meyrl Streep doesn't belong on this list. Get serious Rowles.
Posted by: mechadave at August 1, 2010 9:10 PM
Correct