Let’s Remake… 2001: A Space Odyssey!
“Hey, Barry! Long time, no see! … Yeah, well, I know we’re not actually seeing each other right now, but it’s really been quite a while since we last spoke. You been dodging me, you crazy bastard, you? Almost can’t blame you… Yeah, no, I am aware what time it is, but I’m pretty sure that something this great can’t wait ‘til Monday. After all, then you’ll just blow me off again, am I right? … No, please, Barry, it’ll just take a minute, five at most. Hear me out? … Okay, you’re not gonna regret this.
“You ever see that flick, 2001: A Space Odyssey? Got two words for you: re-make. Look, Star Trek was raking it in, now’s the time to get on the new space bandwagon, my man. For starters, I knew it was two dudes before, and while that could work, I’d rather leave the inevitable bromance-in-space to Apatow. What I was thinking was some pretty young things - yep, just like Star Trek - exploring the cosmos, and each other, among the stars. How about… that guy from The Hangover? No, not Zach, that guy from Wedding Crashers … Right, Brad Cooper and, hmmm, maybe Rachel McAdams, get a little reunion going there? Oh, or what about him with that Watchmen chick, Malin Akerman? Man, her in some skin-tight space suit (whistle)…
“And the best part: HAL, the evil computer - voice of Will Smith. Him and space, man, worked for ID4, worked for MIB, I could even see a teaser with nothing but him, looking like an iPod or something until his red eye pops up and he goes, ‘Aw, HAL nah.’ We could spin the entire campaign around that line! Better yet, he could remix that tired-ass theme song, make it like ‘Thus Grooved Zarathustra’ or whatever. And if he’s not willing to do it, I’m sure that Moby’s not busy until Bourne 4 comes around.
“Now, look, we can’t have this thing running two-and-a-half-hours again. Less movie, more showtimes, more money, baby! So screw the intermission, take out the prologue. Hell, we could lose all that shit with the apes and the moon and just cut to the chase. ‘Hey, it’s a long time ‘til Jupiter.’ ‘Oh, whatever will we do…?’ Sex, sex, sex, while HAL watches: ‘Aw, HAL nah!’ Or maybe ‘Aw, HAL yeah!’ at that part; we’d test both versions. They get to Jupiter, find some space aliens, big laser battle over that fridge magnet monolith thing and they bring it back. Maybe tease that giant star baby shit for the sequel, like it’s gonna follow them back to Earth. Once they land, there’s a giant shadow, it’s up there, ‘Aw, HAL nah!’ Roll credits.
“Yeah, no, $100-million-plus opening weekend and sequel greenlight right there. It’s hot, young, hip… well, except for the title. We can’t do 2001 in 2009, Barry, and Christ, 2010 and 2012 are already taken. Should we just jump to 3001 already? Promote it as 3K1 to fit in with ID4 and MIB? I could live with that. 3001: A Space Odyssey … OR, even better, 3001: A Space Trek. Boom… Hello? Okay, no, I get it, you’re speechless AND you’re tired. Just think it over, sleep on it, get back to me on Monday, my people callin’ your people, yadda-yadda, blah-blah, we’ll talk then. Lay-tah!”
William Goss lives in Orlando, Florida. But don’t hold that against him.
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