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It's A Fumble! FUMBLIYA!

By Brian Prisco | Posted Under Seriously Random Lists | Comments (64)



Ali Larter in Varsity Blues.jpg

Can you smell the smoked meats, glistening facepaint, and sweaty grunting men? No, it’s not a day on set with Jeremy Feist, it’s FOOTBALL season. Where easy jokes are made about men being armchair quarterbacks and women be shopping. Where the Twitter is awash with whiners bemoaning that there’s nothing on television on the weekends anymore, as if magically these shows they had been faithfully watching were being preempted suddenly. When this great nation stops listening to anything you have to say, because football’s on, and shut the fuck up.

There are a shitton of movies that are made or have plots that revolve around football. And we have carefully screened and/or vaguely remembered most of them to assemble this crack list of ten. Normally, here’s where we breakdown and kind of waffle about what a difficult decision this was, and how we struggled. Well, we didn’t. This list of ten movies is it. If you don’t see one on here, it’s not because we forgot about it. It’s because it didn’t deserve to be on the fucking list, because it’s not a good movie, and you are an idiot for thinking it is. Also, I’d normally enter in a brief descriptive argument for why it’s here, but really, football’s on, so fuck you, I’ve got a fantasy football roster to work on.

Argue in the comments. I’ll be over here, watching football and not giving a shit.

FOOTBALL!!!

10. Wildcats

9. Varsity Blues

8. Brian’s Song

7. Remember the Titans

6. Necessary Roughness

5. Any Given Sunday

4. The Last Boy Scout

3. The Longest Yard (1974 version. There is no other version.)

2. Rudy

1. Friday Night Lights









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Comments

"The Replacements" didn't make the cut?

Posted by: lurker erin at September 10, 2010 2:26 PM

What about "Bend It Like Beckham" and "The United" ?

You know, REAL FOOTBALL, where they use their feet to move the ball.

Posted by: BWeaves at September 10, 2010 2:31 PM

North Dallas Forty! No way in hell does fluff like Necessary Roughness and Wildcats deserve to be above that. Screw this list, Prisco. :- )

And while I have a lot of affection for The Last Boy Scout, its status as a "football movie" is very tenuous in spite of the setting.

And, Rudy? Joe Montana told me that movie is full of crap.

Way to pull me in with the Ali Larter screencap, though.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at September 10, 2010 2:36 PM

Dude, have you ever watched Football in your entire life? “Friday Night Lights,” really? I can assure you football began well before 2006. It is quite obvious from your choices of “Rudy” and “The Last Boy Scout” that you didn’t put much thought into your article. Prisco I’m going to have to give this article 1 and a half stars on a scale of 1 to 5 with 5 being the highest.

Posted by: Pookie at September 10, 2010 2:38 PM

BWeaves >> Yeah, "real football," where the referees can get away with not even explaining any justification for their calls, the game is back in the Stone Age with its ignorance of settling obvious goals via instant replay, and the preceding 120 minutes of a tie game are settled by a near guessing game that has little resemblance to the sport that came before it.

But you're right. They use their feet. You sure did show us on the semantics. Way to go.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at September 10, 2010 2:40 PM

"Rudy?" Are you fucking kidding me? That's like calling "Top Secret" one of the ten best movies about World War II.

How about "We Are Marshall" instead? Or "The Express?" Or "Everybody's All-American?" Or "North Dallas Forty?"

I mean, really. Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot.

Posted by: Friendless Nerd at September 10, 2010 2:41 PM

Are you serious with the "Brian's Song" clip? That has to be a joke. There's no way you pick that version over the Sonny Corleone/Lando Calrissian version.

You need to explain yourself, Prisco . . . .

WELL?!?! I'M WAITING!!!

Posted by: Kballs at September 10, 2010 2:47 PM

Oh, wait...I get it. This is irony.

But what the hell is a "FUMBLIYA?"

Posted by: Friendless Nerd at September 10, 2010 2:51 PM

I must say, I was forced to watch The Express by the boyfriend, and it was actually a pretty decent movie. Sad as fuck, but not a bad way to spend two hours.

I hate Rudy. Always have.

Posted by: Julie at September 10, 2010 2:52 PM

I was glad to see the Vikings lose last night. I hate the Vikings. The only bad part about last night, however, was that the Saints won. I don't like them much either.

I hate pretty much every NFL team, except for the Lions (sadly, my team) and the Browns (thanks to my mom's side of the family). It's not my fault. After the last 10 years with the Lions my NFL heart is a black, twisted dry husk of a thing. It knows only spite and anger. There is no joy in it. It only wants to see the NFL teams and their fans suffer as it has suffered.

As of right now, however, there is a special dark, decript little hole in my heart for the Chicago Bears. Not only are they annoying because they are the Bears and, like all other NFC North teams, beat the Lions consistently and badly, but they also have Rod Marinelli and Mike Martz. The Architects of my most painful yet of my many humiliations as a Lions' fan: The 0-16 season. Fuck those guys.

Posted by: Forbiddendonut at September 10, 2010 2:53 PM

Yep I agree Forbiddendonut. I too am a Lions Fan. It's heart breaking. And I can do during football season is wait for hockey season and say, "well at least we have the Red Wings."

Posted by: Nimue at September 10, 2010 2:55 PM

Hell yes. I'm so glad you included The Last Boy Scout on this list. "We're getting beaten up by the inventor of Scrabble!"

Posted by: slagzoo at September 10, 2010 2:59 PM

"REAL FOOTBALL?" More like Phantomrandomfakeinjuryball.

Posted by: Friendless Nerd at September 10, 2010 2:59 PM

Man, you people are super bitchy today.

I'm glad that's why I come to this site.

Posted by: BWeaves at September 10, 2010 3:00 PM

1A) and 1B) should be between Angels in the Endzone and Air Bud: Golden Receiver!!

I'M ABOUT TO CHOP BLOCK A MUTHAFUCKA!

Posted by: branded at September 10, 2010 3:02 PM

I just fucking realized that Flash Gordon isn't on this list.

Bush league, sir. Bush league.

Posted by: Friendless Nerd at September 10, 2010 3:05 PM

It's the sport of kings...
Better than diamond rings...

Football.

Be on the five in field minutes.

Posted by: PissBoy at September 10, 2010 3:12 PM

Suited up and ready to play, coach!

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at September 10, 2010 3:14 PM

fucking sweet list!
Last Boy Scout haters can step outside.

Posted by: peanut at September 10, 2010 3:24 PM

What about Johnny B. Good starring Anthony Michael Hall and Robert Downey?

Posted by: Chewster at September 10, 2010 3:25 PM

No, it’s not a day on set with Jeremy Feist

Yes it is.

Posted by: Jeremy Feist at September 10, 2010 3:29 PM

Friendless...it's a reference to Necessary Roughness

"It's a Fumble. Fumblaya! Fumble-rooski. Sargie "Fumblina" Wilkerson fumbles the ball."

Posted by: PissBoy at September 10, 2010 3:43 PM

Pissboy,

Don't forget to tell the good Pajibans who uttered that phrase:

Mr. Rob Schneider

Posted by: Kballs at September 10, 2010 3:51 PM

Any list of football movies that doesn't have The Longest Yard as #1 is invalid.

Posted by: Josh at September 10, 2010 3:51 PM

The Program is not on this list.

Posted by: fino35 at September 10, 2010 3:59 PM

Yeah, PissBoy, I got it. I was being a dick.

Posted by: Friendless Nerd at September 10, 2010 4:01 PM

There will always be a spot in my heart for Little Giants. That was one of the holy-shit-it's-on-drop-everything-and-watch-this movies in our house.

Posted by: Craiglicious at September 10, 2010 4:03 PM

North Dallas Forty belongs on the list.
"Every time we say its a game you say it's a business. Every time we say it's a business you say it's a game."

Yup that's pro-football.

Posted by: logan at September 10, 2010 4:07 PM

Q. What unlisted football movie stars Frank Gifford, Alex Karras, and Vince freaking Lombardi as themselves?

A. Oh, I get. That Paper Lion also stars Alan Alda disqualifies this hilarious and insightful insider's look at an NFL training camp circa late 1960's. Check it out. It's on Netflix Instant View.

Posted by: bsmechanic at September 10, 2010 4:08 PM

fino35: THANK YOU! I was sitting here racking my brain trying to remember the title of The Program. That one kicked ass. Mainly because someone was dumb enough to do what Craig Sheffer did in the movie (lay down on a highway I think) and get his ass perished.

What about "The Best of Times" with Kurt Russell and Robin Williams. I liked that one a lot.

Posted by: TylerDFC at September 10, 2010 4:26 PM

That's like calling "Top Secret" one of the ten best movies about World War II.

Uhm...so it's not?

-Frob

Posted by: frobme at September 10, 2010 4:28 PM

GUYS REMEMBER THE TITANS WHY IS IT NOT NUMBER ONE

Posted by: buttercup at September 10, 2010 4:32 PM

No M*A*S*H, Horsefeathers, or North Dallas Forty. This list is pitiful.

Posted by: Adam C. at September 10, 2010 4:44 PM

Holy crap do football movies ever suck. Leatherheads could've made this list and nobody would've thought twice.

Posted by: icecreammang at September 10, 2010 5:05 PM

"Top Secret" is a damn fine cup of World War II movie, but not in the top ten of all time.

Posted by: Friendless Nerd at September 10, 2010 5:07 PM

"I love Brian Piccolo, and when you hit your knees tonight, ask god to love him too..." T. Servo

Ok, So the fact that Big Fan isn't on here shows a careless disregard, not for football movies, but for rat in parking structure movies.

Posted by: laredo at September 10, 2010 5:17 PM

Prisco, if North Dallas Forty isn't on the list in your top 5 football movies, you don't know shit about football.

Plus you can't have the remake of Brian's Song on there....James Caan and MF'n BILLY DEE WILLIAMS all day over Mekki Phiffer and whoever that piece of white bread was. If you say there was only one version of the Longest Yard (which there was) then the same applies for Brian's Song.

And where in the blue hell is Debbie Does Dallas, that's about as much a football movie as The Last Boy Scout. And more boobies.

Here's my list. Now I am a jackass and never saw the FLN movie, but if it's as good as the show, it's in the top 3, maybe #1.

Honorable Mention -
Gus (it was a mule that kicked field goals + Tim Conway/Don Knotts/Ed Asner = Comedy gold)
The Freshman
Heaven Can Wait
Little Giants
Lucas
School Ties
Varsity Blues

10 - All the Right Moves
9 - The Replacements
8 - Rudy
7 - Remember the Titans
6 - Any Given Sunday
5 - Jerry Maguire
4 - Horsefeathers
3 - Brian's Song - Caan and Billy Dee Version
2 - The Longest Yard
1 - North Dallas Forty

Posted by: Rubble44 at September 10, 2010 5:26 PM

Lions and Red Wings? Let's see how that works out for y'all this year.

Posted by: Booyah at September 10, 2010 5:26 PM

Here to agree with Kballs and Rumble44 to say FUCK YOU on linking to a promo of the ABC remake rather than the original version. Since you acknowledged different versions with the longest yard it must not have been a simple oversight. What the fuck were you thinking?

That and skipping North Dallas Forty invalidates your list. I won't even bother to tell you what is wrong with the order.

Posted by: LwoodPDowd at September 10, 2010 5:39 PM

Now, now ... don't blame Prisco for the wrong video. That was my doing. I put the trailers together hastily, and on mute, because my son was sleeping next to me, because it's a Jewish holiday, and he attends a Jewish preschool, and I had to take care. So, we all know where the real blame lies: Mel Gibson.

Also: I'm totally not changing it now. Spite. It's a beautiful thing.

Posted by: Dustin Rowles at September 10, 2010 6:01 PM

I enjoyed The Program and would put it in my top ten as well. It really pisses me off, though, that it's impossible to get a copy of the movie with the scene where they lie in the street. Maybe I'll buy a DVD of it if it's ever put back in, but supposedly the studio destroyed all the negatives. Movies don't kill people. Dirk Diggler had something to say about that.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at September 10, 2010 6:18 PM

Kudos to Rubble44 as I find your list to be an improvement. Not saying Prisco did a bad list but aside from there already hammered over North Dallas, which might be the most love that film has seen in years.

But in defense of Last Boy Scout:

The opening scene where Billy Cole shoots his way down the field is the second best single play ever filmed. (Only the final play in the Longest Yard bests it)

Plus there is as much actual football played in TLBS as there was in Jerry Maguire but there probably more football themes in the Last Boy Scout, with legalizing gambling on football games being the main motivations for the villian.

So while I would put it in my top ten, it's a cheesiest enough movie that I could see why others would not, but The Last Boy Scout is a football movie.

Posted by: Valetboy at September 10, 2010 6:28 PM

No love for The Waterboy? For shame!

Posted by: badkittyuno at September 10, 2010 6:30 PM

What about "Invincible"? That's American Football isn't it? Hard to say when I hardly see the players use their feet :-)

Posted by: King Mob at September 10, 2010 6:33 PM

Remember the Titans? seriously? that's the movie where racial tension is dissolved when the creepy fat guy from American History X sings Motown hits with the black guys on the team, and where Denzel Washington plays the coach as some kind of mix between Vince Lombardi, George Patton, and Nelson Mandela. and where a team's last-second playcall in the championship is a 70 yard double reverse with the QB as the lead blocker (how often does that happen in football? fucking never, that's when). god that movie is a pile, and not even Avon Barksdale and Opie from Sons of Anarchy could save it. long live FNL.

Posted by: ivn at September 10, 2010 7:05 PM

"I love Brian Piccolo, and when you hit your knees tonight, ask god to love him too..." T. Servo

It's sort of a.....modern "Defiant Ones"!


Hey! Chickenhead!


And how DARE you rank "Wildcats" so low!!

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Posted by: yukkki at September 10, 2010 8:17 PM

Julie - I hate Rudy too! Everyone says he's an "underdog" who was super focused; I say he was hopelessly naive and an obsessive stalker. If someone did what he did in the movie in today's world, he'd be banned from the field with a restraining order.

There's an unspoken rule in our household: If Remember the Titans is on tv, it must be watched, no matter if it's just beginning or near the end.

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at September 10, 2010 8:19 PM

No this list is right. I was worried because I didn't see Rudy or Friday Night Lights...but there they are: Number 2 and 1 respectively. As it should be.

Posted by: Littlejon2001 at September 10, 2010 8:40 PM

I'm stunned, clearly. The obvious slight here is Little Giants

Posted by: Laurie at September 10, 2010 9:45 PM

North Dallas Forty, Yo!

Every real football fan knows this one is the deal.

"Dammit! Every time I say it's a game you say it's a business and when I say it's a business you say it's a game."

Posted by: mrmook at September 10, 2010 10:18 PM

North Dallas Forty
Paper Lion
All the Right Moves

Shit, School Ties is better than Necessary Roughness.


These are very glaring omissions from the list.

Posted by: richmac at September 11, 2010 1:26 AM

^^^
Heh, "School Ties" was on the other night and I stopped and watched it, the whole thing, and when it ended, I thought, That's it? Seemed like we were only in the second act or something.

Anyway, it's hard to find 10 football movies worth watching ("Any Given Sunday" is awful) just like it's hard to name 10 really good football writers: Because football is fucking boring as shit in a toilet.

Posted by: , at September 11, 2010 1:46 AM

The greatest football movie of all time is The Best of Times (1986). Kurt Russell, Robin Williams, and a great Ron Shelton script.

Posted by: The Retronaut at September 11, 2010 1:56 AM

The best line in a kids football movie, maybe any football movie.

Harry Shearer On the opening kick-off, after the holder is kicked in the crotch by the kicker

OH! Somebody's holding a pound of Aunt Betty's nut butter, and that's a live ball!

First time I heard that, I rewound the tape like 5 times...(back then, we had tapes)....couldn't believe that line was said in a kids movie. Hee larious.

BTW, I wouldn't say fuck you to Prisco, he's a drinking buddy. Just next time there's a sports related poll, drop me a line first so Air Bud isn't the best basketball movie over Hoosiers or Hardball with Keanu Reeves beats out The Natural, Bull Durham or Field of Dreams in baseball. I'll set you straight, boss. Heck, I want to do a best sports movie post right now.

Posted by: Rubble44 at September 11, 2010 4:43 AM

Jesus, people.

Knute Rockny, All-American?

and I second Gus.

Posted by: Some Guy at September 11, 2010 10:53 AM

I've sadly never seen North Dallas Forty, but until I do The Longest Yard has to be at the top of my list of football movies. Rudy is pap and Friday Night Lights... it was alright, but it was just a little after school special for me. Also I feel like for all his play at being a hard-nosed story chaser, Bissinger really has a penchant for over-dramatizing and glorifying things. Plus I have a natural dislike for dramatizations of true stories; it's almost always "wow, look at what these people went through," or "look how amazing these coincidences were." I like seeing how a writer's mind works in how they tell their story. If it's a true event, I'd rather see a doc or read about it.

Posted by: Eep at September 11, 2010 2:12 PM

And yeah, I'd put the Replacements and the Waterboy over several on this list.

Posted by: Eep at September 11, 2010 2:13 PM

Come on man, INVINCIBLE is fucking awesome. Boo this list.

Posted by: Your Mom at September 11, 2010 6:19 PM

Of course this list wasn't made for dustin. We can't see Ryan Reynolds, Christian Bale or Robert Downey Jr. here. My favorite is Any Given Sunday and I have not seen most of the others. Yes, I said it.

Posted by: james at September 14, 2010 9:59 PM

What about Fast Times at Ridgemont High? What about the New Guy?

Posted by: The Shade at September 25, 2010 10:23 AM

I don't think I have seen this said an informative way before. You really have cleared this up for me. Thanks!

Posted by: Maureen Larick at December 16, 2010 4:22 AM

Utterly composed content material , appreciate it for selective information .

Posted by: Norene Giovanni at February 9, 2011 6:18 PM