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If You Can't Beat 'Em, Join 'Em: The Six Best Weiners in Film (NSFW, Barely)

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Seriously Random Lists | Comments (37)

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Vincent Gallo, Brown Bunny

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Dr. Manhattan, Watchmen

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Jaye Davidson, The Crying Game

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Jason Segel in Forgetting Sarah Marshall

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Dirk Diggler in Boogie Nights

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Viggo Mortenson, Eastern Promises

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Comments

Heh heh. Cocks.

Posted by: Zuffle at June 6, 2011 5:13 PM

Oh, dammit.

I was really hoping that there would be no more Weiner shots released. :(

Posted by: Siege at June 6, 2011 5:20 PM

this list is flaccid.

Posted by: gp at June 6, 2011 5:23 PM

I would've led a revolt if Viggo's naked fight scene wasn't first.

Posted by: michaelceratops at June 6, 2011 5:26 PM

I've always been partial to Mystery Wiener during the big hotel scene in Walk Hard. There's something about that random nude dude just standing around with his wiener all a-dangle while Dewey's talking to his wife that really makes the scene for me.

Posted by: Melodie at June 6, 2011 5:27 PM

Oh, Eastern Promises. Watch it for the story, re-watch it for the Viggo Wang. Another movie with tons of wang? Tom Hardy in Bronson. Oooooohhhhhhh, boy. I need to watch that movie again. With the pause button handy.

Posted by: Pinky McLadybits at June 6, 2011 5:27 PM

See, this annoys me. Anthony's last name is "Weiner". That's pronounced "whiner" (or vine-er). German grammar is on his side. But does he listen to it? Nooooo.

("Boehner" isn't "boner" but it's not "bayner" either. That's just making shit up.)

Posted by: Jay at June 6, 2011 5:31 PM

My last name being pronounced as the last syllable of the word "espionage", that's making shit up too, the Magyars and Finns made all that shit up. But it's comprehensive. It's not just disregarding a few rules.

Posted by: Jay at June 6, 2011 5:33 PM

Goddammit, Weiner. You're one of the few politicians I really like and you had to go and FUCK it up. I don't give a shit about these pictures, but you're just giving the other side more ammo. Gah.

Ah, Viggo. That takes some real guts (alright, go ahead and insert another body part here, damn bunch of children) to film a scene like that.

Posted by: Kala at June 6, 2011 5:33 PM

HODOR!

Posted by: DarthCorleone at June 6, 2011 5:34 PM

Life of Brian. There is some prominent peen.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at June 6, 2011 5:37 PM

A'hem. What about Ewan McGregor? Either in Velvet Goldmine or The Pillow Book. Yummers.

Posted by: amanda at June 6, 2011 5:38 PM

No Kevin Bacon?

I call shenanigans!

Posted by: feramones at June 6, 2011 5:39 PM

Full frontal Viggo never fails to delight.

Posted by: PaddyDog at June 6, 2011 5:47 PM

"Hmmm let me take this picture of myself nekked. What could possibly go wrong...."

Posted by: John W at June 6, 2011 5:54 PM

Who else was expecting Dawn Weiner from Welcome to the Dollhouse on this list? Missed opportunity, Rowles!

Now, back to the wangs...

Posted by: The Wandering Parakeet at June 6, 2011 6:02 PM

I must not have gotten the e-mail that stated we were allowed to post full-frontal nudity. I have about sixteen "peen" columns already written.

Posted by: admin at June 6, 2011 6:10 PM

My word Whalberg was effing ripped! Also is he actually nakey in that scene bc I'm pretty sure the mighty cock shot came right before the credits rolled.

But, I haven't seen that movie since I was a small child, so I guess I could be mistaken.

Posted by: beet salad at June 6, 2011 6:25 PM

Viggo was also nekkid in Indian Runner, dancing drunk with his johnson flapping in the breeze. The movie is good too, but yeah. Penis.

Posted by: Viking at June 6, 2011 6:34 PM

Can someone clear this up for me? I thought a picture of a disrobed cock was posted to the twitterwebs. I also understand that some gray underwear was involved. Any picture I've seen seems to depict an erect penis inside said underwear. Am I to understand that there was no actual nudity? Is this what everyone is going on about?

Posted by: pissant at June 6, 2011 6:34 PM

Can someone clear this up for me? I thought a picture of a disrobed cock was posted to the twitterwebs. I also understand that some gray underwear was involved. Any picture I've seen seems to depict an erect penis inside said underwear. Am I to understand that there was no actual nudity? Is this what everyone is going on about?

Posted by: pissant at June 6, 2011 6:34 PM

pissant: It is a "robed" penis. There are (as of yet) no actual pictures of Weiner's junk. And yes, it's absolutely silly how big of a deal this is turning out to be.

Sidenote: Do you have any idea how hard it is to avoid making an accidental 'Dick Pun'? No wonder the media is all over this. There's jokes for fucking days.

Posted by: Kala at June 6, 2011 6:46 PM

Cillian Murphy in 28 Days Later.

I win.

Posted by: snapnhiss at June 6, 2011 6:53 PM

Full-frontal Jan Michael-Vincent in the 70's film 'Buster and Billie'. First R-rated movie my parents took me & my brother to- last R-rated movie I saw until I turned 17 four years later. Thanks a fucking lot, Airwolf.

Posted by: Tony at June 6, 2011 7:09 PM

Ewan McGregor's lightsaber in The Pillow Book.

Posted by: Sally at June 6, 2011 7:30 PM

Rowles, in the movie "Any given Sunday" there was a full frontal shot of some brother standing by his locker talking to Cameron Diaz. Alls I can say is that the brother was huge. But then again that's how we roll.

Posted by: Pookie at June 6, 2011 7:31 PM

I'm just waiting for Weiner to put in his false teeth like the guy did in "Red Dragon."

Posted by: Pookie at June 6, 2011 7:37 PM

I don't have any sympathy for this poon hound, because this guy was forever trying to break Obama's balls. Look I don't have a problem with a guy getting his freak on. But you have to know how to control your freaknasty.

Posted by: Pookie at June 6, 2011 7:54 PM

I don't have any sympathy for this poon hound, because this guy was forever trying to break Obama's balls. Look I don't have a problem with a guy getting his freak on. But you have to know how to control your freaknasty.

Posted by: Pookie at June 6, 2011 7:55 PM

Um, I believe you mistakenly neglected to include Ewan McGregor in ... well, pretty much anything. (Though I was thinking specifically of Velvet Goldmine. Also, Young Adam.)

Posted by: Anna von Beav at June 6, 2011 8:29 PM

VIGGO is excellent from any and all angles. Ditto MacGregor. Also Cillian!!

Bring on the weenaz!

Posted by: klingonfree at June 6, 2011 8:51 PM

I submit the skinny-dipping scene from Room With a View--dangling dongs and good fun.

Posted by: pickled tink at June 6, 2011 10:25 PM

Le sigh.

Posted by: Cindy at June 6, 2011 11:29 PM

Nothing will ever compare to the copious amounts of naked peen in Spartacus: Blood and Sand. I know this is a film list, I just wanted to tell everyone:

THERE IS A LOT OF PEEN IN SPARTACUS.

You're welcome.

Posted by: Figgy at June 6, 2011 11:36 PM

I can't see any of the cocks. What gives?

Posted by: John G. at June 7, 2011 12:59 AM

No Wild Things? It was quick but it was glorious.

Posted by: SAS at June 7, 2011 3:26 AM

I do kinda like the wang-centric news lately. News/gossip/whatever is usually full of tits and vag. It's a nice change of pace to be talking about/seeing dong. I mean, 50% of the world has one, it's about time we started seeing it being represented publicly.

Posted by: Slash at June 7, 2011 1:02 PM

There are certainly a lot of details like that to take into consideration. That is a great point to bring up. I offer the thoughts above as general inspiration but clearly there are questions like the one you bring up where the most important thing will be working in honest good faith. I don?t know if best practices have emerged around things like that, but I am sure that your job is clearly identified as a fair game. Both boys and girls feel the impact of just a moment’s pleasure, for the rest of their lives.

Posted by: test at July 10, 2011 4:16 AM