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How I Stopped Worrying And Learned To Love The Undead: The Zombie Film Guide For Non-Zombie Fans

By TK | Posted Under Seriously Random Lists | Comments (27)

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As hard as it is to believe, there are people out there who don’t like zombies. I don’t understand these people. I don’t trust them. I don’t like them. Zombies are one of the greatest cinematic bugaboos of the modern era, I say. Sure, the genre is a bit oversaturated, but what genre isn’t right now? Yes, yes, there are countless zombie films out there, and many of them are terrible. But there is wonder and joy to be found in almost all of them, albeit in varying amounts. Sure, we all know of the classics, but there’s so much more out there to find and love, and that’s what I’m here to show everyone. Forget your Romero films, your fancy shmancy new Zombieland. There’s a rich, wonderful world of zombie movies out there.

What I’m saying, people, is that I’m here to help you. Because even if you don’t enjoy the films, there’s going to be some breathtaking bit of beauty in there for you. And that’s all I want to do, you know? I want to bring beauty into your life. Life-affirming, gut-spilling, eyeball-bursting, blood-vomiting beauty. What can I say? I’m a giver.

And thus, I give to you, a list of zombie films that proves there’s something for everyone.

Zombies and romance: Shaun Of The Dead — Nothing is more endearing and sweet than a boy who sets out to regain the love of the girl of his dreams — amidst a zombie apocalypse.

Zombies and nature — Zombie (1979) — It’s the National Geographic of zombie films, the only place where you’ll be captivated by an underwater shark vs. zombie battle.

Zombies and martial arts: Zombie Vs. Ninja — for the chopsocky enthusiast, what can be better than zombies being fended off by the world’s deadliest clan of assassins?

Zombie and Nazis: Dead Snow — everyone hates Nazis, right? So what could be worse than undead Nazis! And now, you get to see them bite a guy in the junk after he cuts his arm off with a chainsaw! Wait… I might not be selling this one the right way. OK, how about this veritable orgy of zombie killing?!

Zombies and politics: Cemetery Man aka Dellamorte Dellamore — if you can’t appreciate an arrogant and corrupt politician getting his throat torn out by his daughter’s decapitated head, then quite frankly, I don’t want to know you.

Zombies and gardening: Braindead aka Dead Alive — love landscaping? Enjoy the sweet smell of grass and gasoline as you mow your lawn? Of course you do. So Peter Jackson’s darling little zombie film has a special treat, just for you.

BONUS: It’s not embeddable, but the same film also features an adorable baby zombie!

Zombies and environmental themes: Return of the Living Dead — Dan O’Bannon’s magnum opus touched upon the increasingly important dangers of pollution. The film is but a cautionary tale, people, about the dangers our planet is facing. Just look what happens to this innocent group of punk rockers.

Zombies and friendship: Bone Sickness — A wonderful tale about a young man who will do anything to help his sick friend, including, um… feeding him human flesh. Sure, it makes him vomit worms and turn into a zombie and basically causes a zombie outbreak, but it’s in the name of friendship! (caution: this trailer is incredibly awesome but severely NSFW)

So there you have it, my lovelies. Just a taste of the joyous wonderment that awaits you.

No, please. There’s no need to thank me. Like I said, I’m a giver. It’s just my way.









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Comments

I AM TOTALLY CREEPED OUT BY THE HEADER IMAGE! I hate you, TK. This is going to be popping up all day when I come to this site.

Posted by: tamatha at December 21, 2011 11:36 AM

thank you for giving me and my husband something to do after christmas dinner. A chance to revisit the classics and some new fare!

Posted by: blacksred at December 21, 2011 11:38 AM

Bone Sickness.

That just cracks me up. I wonder if there was a porn parody.

Posted by: MRod at December 21, 2011 11:48 AM

As much as I love kung fu movies, particularly those starring white guys with bandanas that say "NINJA," even that's not enough to get me to watch zombies. I appreciate your . . . help, TK but I just can't suspend disbelief long enough to think of zombies as anything but irredeemably stupid.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at December 21, 2011 11:49 AM

I am one of those people who don't like zombies. I think they're kind of boring. All they do is wander around and eat people and/or animals. I know - I'm just no fun. I guess I just don't get the simple joy of watching a relentless monster chasing/ killing/ eating people.

I have to admit, I'm a little bit of a killjoy when it comes to zombies. I need a little more motivation/ character development in my villains - they need to be smarter, have slightly more reasons for doing things than just being hungry.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm someone who is dead inside and looking for brains.

Wait. Dammit.

Posted by: Three-nineteen at December 21, 2011 11:53 AM

Header Caption: Lindsay Lohan has been caught by paparazzi earlier this week, leaving an LA nightclub without her makeup.

Posted by: bleujayone at December 21, 2011 12:13 PM

Well, damn, I appreciate what you've done here, TK.

That may be the only time I ever say that. Cherish it.

"Bone Sickness" (huh-huh) sounds interesting. Anyone know if it's Netflixable?

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at December 21, 2011 12:15 PM

Dead Alive was one of my favorite movies when I was in Jr. High or thereabouts. Ranked right up there with Waxwork and Night of the Demons.

Posted by: Laura at December 21, 2011 12:33 PM

Fast zombies are the scariest things since the Black Friday crowds at Walmarts nationwide... waitasecond... a zombie-like outbreak due to infected turkey? Let's go with something like Dead Friday as a working title and "You're on the menu" or "Tryptobraaaaaiiiiiins." To the screenplaymobile!

Posted by: Jast at December 21, 2011 12:40 PM

How come the silliest one on the list (Dead Alive) is the only one to make my gag reflex kick in? I can watch disembowelment with a chainsaw and not bat an eyelash, but a girl fighting zed heads with a blender makes me feel a little faint. Go figure.

Posted by: Bob Frapples at December 21, 2011 12:41 PM

Did that zombie bite the shark? Is there a shark!zombie in the movie? Cause I'd watch the shit out of that.

Posted by: Jeni at December 21, 2011 12:44 PM

Don't forget "Wasting Away", aka "Aaah! Zombies!" - it's surprisingly entertaining. The premise is that zombies don't know they're zombies; they think everyone else has been infected with some virus that makes them incredibly fast and hostile (since they attack zombies on sight).

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1027762/

Posted by: foolsage at December 21, 2011 12:45 PM

I love zombies. So. Much.

Posted by: seth at December 21, 2011 1:00 PM

TK, you're my favorite.

And how have I never heard of this "Bone Sickness" movie? Awesome!!

Posted by: MM at December 21, 2011 1:22 PM

There ain't NOTHING BORING about fast zombies.

When the zombie apocolypse comes... you better hope that those zombies aren't fast, your plan is solid and your have an infinite supply of shotgun bullets.

Posted by: layla at December 21, 2011 1:23 PM

Cause some people swing this way:

Hardcore zombie dude on zombie dude action? Otto, or, Up with Dead People.

Posted by: Robert at December 21, 2011 1:27 PM

I am one of those people who hates zombies and has a hard time watching zombie movies. Clearly an issue, as I live with Pissboy. They just scare me. I finally watched Shaun of the Dead, and thanks to the comedy managed to love that movie, but the zombies still scared me.
I watched Zombieland and loved it, except for the freakin' zombies.
And after reading the recaps for The Walking Dead on this site during season 1, I finally sat down (during daylight) and watched all the episodes that I had missed and fell in love. Except for the zombies.
They are scary and I hate them. They want to eat my flesh and I feel like that would hurt. A lot.

Posted by: Whorish Mouth at December 21, 2011 1:52 PM

You left off one of my very favorites: Fido. It's essentially a 1950's- set boy and his dog story, but with zombie Billy Connally as the dog. The most under-rated zombie movie of all.

Posted by: The Mutt at December 21, 2011 1:52 PM

TK, where's the TDKR trailer breakdown?

Posted by: haplo at December 21, 2011 2:17 PM

The Mutt makes a good point. It's important to teach children the responsibility of pet ownership.

Posted by: admin at December 21, 2011 2:34 PM

Eat Pray Zombie

Posted by: MRod at December 21, 2011 3:22 PM

"My only regret is that I have bone-itis."

Posted by: Socrates_Johnson at December 21, 2011 3:44 PM

Dudery -- no mention of "Shock Waves" from 1977?? That's the original Nazi zombie/underwater zombie movie. It even has Peter Cushing, for pete's (heh) sake.

Posted by: Obst N. Gemuse at December 21, 2011 4:56 PM

Zombies and hippies: Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things.

Posted by: John W at December 21, 2011 5:06 PM

I FUCKING LOVE zombie movies, but Dead Snow was terrible.

fun fact:

Zombies never wanted "braaaaaaaains" until Night of the Living Dead. That weird stepin fetchit zombie on the header pic is the first zombie to ever desire brains. So, even though today all zombies want brains, it was originally just for black sterotypes.

Posted by: John G. at December 21, 2011 8:59 PM

Oops,

I mean Return of the Living Dead

Posted by: John G. at December 21, 2011 9:41 PM

I appreciate your submission, previously it was interesting and compelling. I have found my way here through Google, I'll go back one more time :)

Posted by: Joseph Risberg at January 6, 2012 12:50 PM