How I Stopped Worrying And Learned To Love The Undead: The Zombie Film Guide For Non-Zombie Fans
As hard as it is to believe, there are people out there who don't like zombies. I don't understand these people. I don't trust them. I don't like them. Zombies are one of the greatest cinematic bugaboos of the modern era, I say. Sure, the genre is a bit oversaturated, but what genre isn't right now? Yes, yes, there are countless zombie films out there, and many of them are terrible. But there is wonder and joy to be found in almost all of them, albeit in varying amounts. Sure, we all know of the classics, but there's so much more out there to find and love, and that's what I'm here to show everyone. Forget your Romero films, your fancy shmancy new Zombieland. There's a rich, wonderful world of zombie movies out there.
What I'm saying, people, is that I'm here to help you. Because even if you don't enjoy the films, there's going to be some breathtaking bit of beauty in there for you. And that's all I want to do, you know? I want to bring beauty into your life. Life-affirming, gut-spilling, eyeball-bursting, blood-vomiting beauty. What can I say? I'm a giver.
And thus, I give to you, a list of zombie films that proves there's something for everyone.
Zombies and romance: Shaun Of The Dead -- Nothing is more endearing and sweet than a boy who sets out to regain the love of the girl of his dreams -- amidst a zombie apocalypse.
Zombies and nature -- Zombie (1979) -- It's the National Geographic of zombie films, the only place where you'll be captivated by an underwater shark vs. zombie battle.
Zombies and martial arts: Zombie Vs. Ninja -- for the chopsocky enthusiast, what can be better than zombies being fended off by the world's deadliest clan of assassins?
Zombie and Nazis: Dead Snow -- everyone hates Nazis, right? So what could be worse than undead Nazis! And now, you get to see them bite a guy in the junk after he cuts his arm off with a chainsaw! Wait... I might not be selling this one the right way. OK, how about this veritable orgy of zombie killing?!
Zombies and politics: Cemetery Man aka Dellamorte Dellamore -- if you can't appreciate an arrogant and corrupt politician getting his throat torn out by his daughter's decapitated head, then quite frankly, I don't want to know you.
Zombies and gardening: Braindead aka Dead Alive -- love landscaping? Enjoy the sweet smell of grass and gasoline as you mow your lawn? Of course you do. So Peter Jackson's darling little zombie film has a special treat, just for you.
BONUS: It's not embeddable, but the same film also features an adorable baby zombie!
Zombies and environmental themes: Return of the Living Dead -- Dan O'Bannon's magnum opus touched upon the increasingly important dangers of pollution. The film is but a cautionary tale, people, about the dangers our planet is facing. Just look what happens to this innocent group of punk rockers.
Zombies and friendship: Bone Sickness -- A wonderful tale about a young man who will do anything to help his sick friend, including, um... feeding him human flesh. Sure, it makes him vomit worms and turn into a zombie and basically causes a zombie outbreak, but it's in the name of friendship! (caution: this trailer is incredibly awesome but severely NSFW)
So there you have it, my lovelies. Just a taste of the joyous wonderment that awaits you.
No, please. There's no need to thank me. Like I said, I'm a giver. It's just my way.