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To Commemorate Butthole Day, We're Acknowledging the 5 Celebrity Buttholes We Like In Spite Of Ourselves

By Dustin Rowles | Seriously Random Lists | November 6, 2015 |


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Longtime readers of the site know that today is Butthole Day, the one day each year that we celebrate the most glorious word in the English language.

Butthole.

In its written form, there’s not much to it. Eight unexceptional letters: B-U-T-T-H-O-L-E.

The power of the word butthole, however, comes in speaking the word aloud. Butthole.

Say it. In your cubicle. At your desk. On the subway. It has such a majestic, powerful sound, and yet, it’s the most juvenile of all insults. Butthole. The word is the equivalent of Ian McKellan starring in a Farelly Brothers movie.

Butthole. Yes, say it aloud, but never ever Google image search the word.

Scientists have observed that “butthole” is the most satisfying word to say in the English language. This is a fact. Studies show that people who say butthole at least 3 times a day live six minutes longer than the average person. It’s true! You can’t argue with science, butthole. It’s a joyous word to say, either stripped of its meaning completely or in the appropriate context.

Butthole.

Today, we honor the greatest word in the English language by honoring our five favorite buttholes, and by that, I mean: People we want to loathe, but there’s something about their buttholery that pulls us in against our wills. They’re black holes of buttholery.

5. Jere Burns — More specifically, I mean Jere Burns’ Justified character, Wynn Duffy. By the look of him, we should loathe him. He’s a weaselly little shit, a cockroach. And yet, those eyebrows! Those facial expressions. Those begs of mercy! He’s a butthole we root for against all our best instincts.

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4. Anne Hathaway — God bless, Hathaway. She tries so hard, and the more she tries, the more she alienates. It’s like, “Just be quiet and act” because she’s really good at acting, and yet, despite everything about her that rubs us the wrong way, that makes us bristle, we can’t help ourselves. We can’t turn against the Hathaway. We hate that she tries so hard, but we appreciate and maybe even understand why she wants to be liked, and we like her in spite of — or perhaps even because of — everything we’re not supposed to like about her.

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3. Ben Affleck — Affleck is a shitty, nanny-banging husband who has done some really gross things in the past and said some things that just makes you hack and contort and shake your head.

WTF, Affleck?

But he’s also like that Boston, bro. You know the guy. You know he’s a sleazebag, but he’s a winsome sleazebag. He’s that one guy at the end of the night who pressures all his buddies to go to a strip bar, and while they’re all sitting uncomfortably in the corner waiting for the night to mercifully end, he’s back in the VIP room getting fawned over free of charge. He’s so smart, and so charismatic, that you root for him to be a better person, but in the end, you just have to accept the guy as a flawed, womanizing douchebag, and you do because he’s got a weird gravitational pull. He makes you sick, but you still want to have a beer with him.

Watch him, for instance, in his Dinner for Five (with Jennifer Garner, Colin Farrell, and Kevin Smith). He’s such a dick, but he’s such a likable dick that you can’t stop watching (also, watching Jennifer Garner watch him is enlightening).


2. Miles Teller — Many of you who don’t get out to the movies too much, or who haven’t seen Miles Teller in Whiplash or, especially, Spectacular Now, don’t get it. He’s just an obnoxious, cocky little shit with a punchable face who deserves a lifetime of swirlies. But if you’ve seen him in his better movies (or even some of his terrible ones), his confidence, the rhythm of his speech, and his honest-to-God acting talent is disarming. He’s an enormous butthole, but I’m still going to watch all his movies.

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1. Justin Timberlake — Look at this face, and tell me that’s not the face of a giant asshole.

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Justin Timberlake is every guy you ever hated in high school, a nerd-hating douchebro who puts on a Manning-face every time something doesn’t go his way.

But then he gets on stage, and goddamn. You want to hate him, but he’s so fucking captivating, and so smooth, and he makes everything seem so effortless.

I’ve literally watched his performance from the Country Music Awards this week at least 25 times, and even in this genre, the guy is flawless. Timberlake is crushing it even on stage with a guy who looks like he has seed ticks in his beard (but who also, undeniably, has a brilliant voice).

Look at this guy taking it in. Look at his glee! This is how I feel while I’m watching Timberlake on stage, too.

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I almost hate Timberlake because he’s so fucking talented, but he’s so fucking talented that I can’t hate him. IT’S A BUTTHOLE PARADOX.


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