Holy Twerkenstien's Monster! It's Skitz's 5th Annual Guide to the Best and Worst Halloween Candy

true detective /hannibal / dc movies / snl / mindhole blowers / netflix / celebrity facts / marvel

Holy Twerkenstien’s Monster! It’s Skitz’s 5th Annual Guide to… Eh, Who Cares? You’re Going To Eat It All Anyhow. Because You Lack Self-Restraint

By Skittimus Maximus | Seriously Random Lists | October 31, 2013 | Comments ()



1 Sour Patch Kids — There’s an assload of candy that touts the “sour” moniker; but for my money, there’s only one true champ, and that’s Sour Patch Kids. They don’t really look like kids, per se (at first glance, they look like someone dusted a wet gummi bear with cocaine), but for what they lack in appearance, they more than make up for in the ability to punch your enamel right in the dick with an acid-dipped fist. Granted, there are a few other contenders that take top prize when it comes to the actual sourest-tasting candy, but unless you want your face to look like Zelwegger’s after you tell her you’ve been banging her sister on the sly, Sour Patch Kids win.

2. 100 Grand Bars — I’m not sure why this particular gem seems to get overlooked every year, but if more people made a point of handing these out, we might be able to set aside our differences and come to the agreement that there should be a half-hour Netflix special where Sean Hannity gets drawn and quartered by food stamp recipients.

3. Sherbert Lollipops — I don’t think they have a specific brand-name, but these are those oblong, tri-colored spheres that amount to nothing more than compacted, chalky sugar in soothing pastel tones. It never matters what color you get, because they all taste exactly the same. However, here’s where the Sherbert Pop shines — when it goes up your nose. Let’s not fool ourselves — when you were a kid and wound up with a shitload of Smarties, you knew at least one of those rolls was going to get crushed to powder and snorted up each nostril. The Bible practically demands it. One Sherbert Pop is the equivalent of four rolls of Smarties (I know this because I have nothing better to do with my time). Not only are they more efficient when it comes to producing powder, but the stick they come on is hollow, for fucks sake. Subtle genius at work.

4. Sugar Babies — Another oft-overlooked beauty, Sugar Babies are awesome bits of awesomeness that’ve been kicking ass since 1935. I’d bet what’s left of my foreskin they’d play a more prominent role in the Halloween goodie gallery if Tootsie Roll Industries would pull their head out of their ass and replace “Sugar Babies” with “Not Raisinets.” Because raisins are nothing more than grapes that’ve given up on life. And that’s some sad shit when you think about it.

5. Liquor — No, I’m not suggesting that kids be given booze in lieu of candy. But think about it — as an adult, what other holiday allows you to walk down the street with a Radio Flyer full of hard liquor and nobody bats an eye? And when you’re kid, who’s going to dole out the most candy? The well-dressed woman who carefully rations out the goods in order to make sure everybody who comes to her door gets a little something, or Captain Scotchbreath, whose motor skills have been on a steady decline since five o’clock, when the stopper was thrown from the decanter in a frenzied rush to quell the brain tornado that’s been building upon awakening? Scotchbreath, that’s who. Because there’s nothing in the world he wants more than to flick off his porch light and move on to chugging Mrs. Scotchbreath’s wine straight from the box before slipping into fuzzy oblivion. And if you happen to be the child of parents who suffer from brain tornados, guess what? You get to eat candy for breakfast! Why? Because Daddy’s too hungover to move and Mommy Number Two’s too busy trying to figure out how her hair got tangled in the zipper of the Sexy Mustard costume she passed out in and doesn’t have time to make you any lousy breakfast, you goddam nuisance.


1. Goldfish Crackers and/or Fruit Snacks — Hey, are you one of the upbeat diptardables who hands out the little snack-sized bags of Goldfish Crackers and/or Fruit Snacks? Do you know what happens after the kids get home, dump their bags, and start the tedious process of sorting out the good shit from the bad? Do you? I’ll tell you what happens — your “treats” get pushed to the side, where they eventually make their way into the giant Costco boxes that Mom & Dad keep under the kitchen counter. You know, the ones that have “BECAUSE DINNER’S NOT FUCKING READY YET” scrawled on the side in Sharpie. Those boxes. Congratulations. You’ve made Halloween forgettable by giving out the same goddam thing they ate in the minivan on the way home from school. Or daycare. Or whatever the hell it is your kids do while you’re away at work.

2. Foil-Wrapped Bullshittery — The novelty abominations that pop up every holiday (e.g., veiny eyeballs, pumpkin-stamped coins, Santa dicks, those goddam foil Easter eggs, etc…). Sure, they’ll do the job when it comes to getting your sugar fix on, but the roadblock lies within the cheap-ass foil that never comes off in one piece. Never. It’s as if the floor sweepings at Reynolds Wrap get shipped to the Grainy Peanut Butter Eyeball Factory (probably not the factory’s real name), where they dump a bulldozer full of piping hot eyeballs (probably not the real delivery method) into a giant cauldron (probably not a cauldron) of foil bits during the cool down process. The only thing more frustrating than picking away at the stupid foil with your chocolate-packed fingernails is when you miss a piece and your fillings make you aware of your shortcomings with a wincing kiss of pain.

3. Russel Stover’s Big Bite S’Mores — There’s this candy blog I read (like I said above, I have nothing better to do with my time) that said “It turns out that Russel Stover has a proper little fix for one who is jonesing for s’mores. The S’mores Big Bite is a chocolate-covered marshmallow between two graham crackers in a foil wrapper.” Horseshit. Webster’s Dictionary loosely defines s’mores as “Graham crackers plus chocolate plus marshmallow plus fire plus tongue-blisters.” Unless there’s a flame involved, Mister Stover can shove it right up his shovehole. S’mores are a fiery rite of passage, not a package you tear open and eat, you sniveling pussy.

4. Jolly Ranchers — Listen, I’m all about Jolly Ranchers. That’s not what I’m bitching about. I’m specifically referring to the ten-pound bag of Jolly Ranchers purchased on the first of November and kept in the orange Rubbermaid tub that’s spent the better part of a year in the garage rafters. There’s a chemical reaction that happens over those eleven months where the cellophane wrapper melds with the edge of the Rancher (which has developed a gummified outer surface due to Science and stuff). What you’re left with is a multi-layered sugar brick that serves no purpose other than handcuffing your top and bottom molars together in a deathgrip reminiscent of what happens when you forget to get a tetanus shot.

5. Candy Corn — I’ve never mentioned candy corn in these annual lists, and there’s a very simple reason: they’re not even worth mentioning. It’s a glob of waxy sugar. Yeah, they’re indicative of the holiday, but… meh. Who gives a shit? Candy Corn is a cop-out. It’s like when I was a kid and the single mom down the street showed up at my parent’s Halloweenabong party wearing a black Hefty garbage bag and a red bow-tie. “What are you supposed to be?” asked my sister, as I was walking her downstairs to the basement (we were never allowed to be on the same floor as the bongparty). “I’m a California Raisin!” she laughed, and I remember thinking, “No you’re not. You’re a drunk lady in a garbage bag.” That’s what candy corn is — a drunk lady in a garbage bag.


(See Also: Skitz’s 4th Annual Guide to Rotting Your Goddamn Teeth)

John Stossel And His Douchtache Think Women Should Pay More For Healthcare Because "Maybe They're Hypochondriacs" | 10 Unintentionally Horrifying Movies to Scare the Bejesus Out of You This Halloween

Are you following Pajiba on Facebook or Twitter? Every time you do, Bill Murray crashes a wedding.

Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • Eyvi

    In Canada, Smarties are candy covered chocolates.

    Canada -1, USA -0

  • e jerry powell

    We should have that Hannity show anyway, consensus or no.

  • What you’re left with is a multi-layered sugar brick that serves no purpose other than handcuffing your top and bottom molars together in a deathgrip reminiscent of what happens when you forget to get a tetanus shot.

    But DUDE, that's the whole friggin' POINT of Jolly Ranchers. You always try to bite it and keep biting it until it clamps your jaws shut together. It's like a game. A deathly, delicious game.

  • Uriah_Creep

    the ability to punch your enamel right in the dick with an acid-dipped fist

    It’s as if the floor sweepings at Reynolds Wrap get shipped to the Grainy
    Peanut Butter Eyeball Factory (probably not the factory’s real name)

    And this is why I love Skitz.

  • DarthCorleone

    You're spot on with that Jolly Ranchers critique.

    I must admit, however, that if I had a treat bag full of Goldfish crackers, I'd probably devour them all and die of Goldfish overdose.

  • NateMan

    They're my pot-smoking snack of choice!

  • Candy Corn is the worst candy because it's the most horrifying. Did you ever stop and ask yourself what the Tooth Fairy does with all the teeth she collects? She coats them in sugar, paints stripes on them, and then re-distributes them as candy corn. That's why nobody can ever remember buying it, but it always seems to be around.

  • AvaLehra

    Lemonheads: all day, every day.

    Well, that sounds a bit porny!

  • ZombieMrsSmith

    When my Dad would take us out on Halloween, we would stop at his best bud's house first. Dad would shout out "Trick or Drink!" amble up the front steps and disappear into the house. We were on our own for the rest of the night. Good times.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Where are the individual Twizzlers and the little boxes of Junior Mints? That was the only time I ever got to each Junior Mints outside of a movie theater. And the Jujubes/Dots. There were always more boxes of Dots, though Jujubes with their different shapes were clearly superior.

    Your assessment of ancient Jolly Ranchers is dead on.

  • L.O.V.E.

    When I take the daughter/cheetah out trick/treatin anyone of my neighbors who gives something other then snickers, hershey bar, peanut butter cups or m&m gets the wtf face. don't get cute people, I'm eating 80% of the stuff. give me the goods or you get the trick of me reporting your front yard for an ordinance violation

  • bleujayone

    True Story... Before Massachusetts got nutty for a few years and banned Trick-Or-Treating in most communities to protect children from the non-existent fiends tainting all the candy, there was candy begging abound. Oddly enough, one out of the way places was in Cambridge where Julia Child gladly gave out rich homemade treats. Sadly, most children failed to recognize the awesome confections that she put together, as many of them seemed disappointed they didn't get Necco Wafers or M&M's... their PARENTS on the other hand knew very well what they were getting and made damn sure their kids would march up to Mrs. Child's door even if they would have to bribe their kids to do so. It got to the point where people would drive their kids from other communities to Julia Child's house just so their kids would get them whatever she was giving out that year. If she was onto them, she never said so. I can say 30 something years later that if I had an opportunity to have Julia Child make my holiday treats as opposed to some mass-produced garbage, I'd take it. It would probably be rich, filled with butter and make a Hershey Bar see like a block of brown candle wax.

  • Bert_McGurt

    One more anecdote for the "Julia Child is F*cking Awesome" storybook.

  • apsutter

    What about pumpkin shaped Reese's? Fuck the regular round Reese's cups...the ratio of peanut butter to chocolate is way off and the hard ridged shell is fucking awful.

  • oilybohunk7

    We had a neighbor that would give out pencils. We skipped that house.

  • Robert

    Candy corn is delicious. Disney put out these gourmet candy corn flavors last year that I hoarded through March. I should have bought all of them; they didn't return this year.

  • Jiffylush

    They didn't return this year because they found out that no one likes candy corn!

  • Robert


    The Disney flavors were more savory--like pumpkin spice and blackberry--but had the same texture as the regular sugar wax triangles.

  • Bert_McGurt

    I have got to start comparing more things to a drunk lady in a garbage bag.

  • Wednesday

    My child adores candy corn...or so she claims. Every year she begs me to buy it for her, and every year she eats one handful, carefully rolls and clips down the top of the bag, and puts it in the Cupboard of Mortification to languish until I see it again while searching for lima beans and quick-cook barley to donate to a canned food drive. Then it gets chucked out with the rest of the food that is too disgusting for human consumption.

    I'm THE person who eats those cheap-ass waxy peanut butter kisses, so I understand the urge to have a normally-nasty seasonal treat. It's genetic. My father routinely buys both eggnog and peppermint ice creams at Christmas time. So at least she comes by it honestly.

    But this year, I'm going to station her at the front door and have her barter for her own candy corn with the trick-or-treaters. Hell, they'd probably be happy to pelt her with it if she just asks.

  • Or you could get a tiny bit at the bulk section. That is what I do because I like to have a bit but you can feel the beties coming on if you eat too much of that crap.

  • Buellie413

    Best candy I ever received: a full sized Snickers bar wrapped in a dollar bill.

    Worst: those fucking Bottle Caps that had the consistency of slightly sweeter Tums.

  • Jiffylush

    Bottle caps, the second best root beer candy. That cola shit is awful.

    (in case you didn't already know the best is the barrels)

  • AvaLehra

    Did Bottle Caps always get those brown dots on them -- which I always thought it meant they were too old to eat but ate them anyway.

  • becks_

    Bottle Caps are awful right out of the gate but the worst part is that if you stick with them and eat like three in a row they make your tongue feel like a cat tongue covered in battery acid after licking actual broken bottles.

  • Okay, was that Snickers bar in a dollar also tied with a string or piece of fishing line next to a suspicious, windowless, white van? 'Cause I'm pretty sure that's the pedo bait of choice...

  • Anna von Beav


    Except the orange ones. Those things can rot in hell.

  • oilybohunk7

    The root beer ones... lord do I wish I had a pack of nothing but the root beer ones in front of me right now

  • mairimba

    You like candy corn so this doesn't surprise me.

  • Buellie413


  • bastich

    Candy Hipster!

  • Buellie413

    I am a candy hipster, I'm one of those people that loves Smarties.

    Although I love them unironically, so maybe that just means I'm a dumbass.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    It is ironic if loving Smarties makes you a dumbass.

  • Mrs. Julien

    Candy Hipster, the world's most ironic prostitute

  • Anna von Beav

    You also hate rainbows, kittens, and love, if I recall correctly.

  • Buellie413

    I do hate love, but that's because it gives me a rash.

  • Uriah_Creep

    I do hate love, but that's because it gives me a rash.

    In all fairness, that can be cured fairly easily these days.

  • Mrs. Julien

    [wrapping self around monitor and pining for old school Pajiba back when I was afraid to comment]

  • Fabius_Maximus

    I miss him, too.

  • emmelemm

    Right there with ya. :)

  • bastich

    This list doesn't reflect my childhood experiences at all!

    Where are the toothbrushes, and pencil sets, and old easter candy, and tiny bibles?

  • AvaLehra

    Tiny Bibles? Isn't that the old song by Don Ho?

  • Uriah_Creep

    Thanks for making me snort like a fucking loon, AvaLehra.

  • Jezzer

    Jesus, what kind of leper colony did you grow up in? :O

  • Pure goddamn genius. Now I want to be Captain Scotchbreath for Halloween.

  • BWeaves

    What I wouldn't give to get Jelly Babies in the USA. I used to love those things when I lived in England. I suspect my adult taste buds would not like them.

  • bleujayone

    With all the Whovians in North America, you'd think BBC would get smart and release their own brand of Doctor Who Jelly Babies. They'd make a small killing at Doctor Who conventions and in any PBS market that shows the classic run.

blog comments powered by Disqus