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Hollywood’s Smallest Penis

A Seriously Random List XXV / Dustin Rowles

Seriously Random Lists | November 19, 2008 | Comments (66)


I haven’t actually seen any of the wee willies flapping around in the still winds of Hollywood. But I can tell, you know. I mean, small-penis syndrome is fairly obvious to detect. And it has less to do with sports cars than you think. It’s got a lot to do with swagger, in particular the existence of one where it should not exist. An affected bow-leggedness, if you get my meaning. The more cocksure a guy is, the less cock there is to be sure of.

Granted, there are a lot of swaggery men in Hollywood, but there’s nothing affected in the real deals. Robert Downey, Jr., for instance, walks with his head high and his shoulders back, but that swagger is straight-legged. Even Keanu Reeves walks with his knees close together. It’s an important distinction — men with sizeable hang-lows don’t walk like John Wayne, except for John Wayne, of course. But men with Gherkinson’s Disease — they spread it, allow room for something that doesn’t exist. It’s textbook overcompensation.

And here are Hollywood’s wee men. The Small Dick Troupe. The Baby-Dick Collective:

5. Russell Crowe — Schoo Small

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4. Collin Farell — WeeWee

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3. Vin Diesel — Pindick

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2. Tom Cruise — Gherkinoid

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1. Jeremy Piven — Baby Carrot

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Pajiba Love 11/19/08 | Man on a Wire Review





Comments

I've seen the tape. Colin Farrell, putz though he may be, is working with something. It ain't humongous, but it ain't teeny.

Posted by: khia213 at November 19, 2008 1:21 PM

Interesting - I'd love to hear what sent you off in this direction.

I'm guessing all the Baldwin brothers have teeny weenies.

Posted by: Cindy at November 19, 2008 1:22 PM

I agree with all except Colin Farrell...for reasons I will not disclose.

Posted by: NotBlonde at November 19, 2008 1:24 PM

And the Weinsteins.

Posted by: Cindy at November 19, 2008 1:24 PM

I have heard tell of the deleted scene from A Home At the End of the World, in which Colin Farrell flashes (nay, parades) his man-piece and that it is larger than normal. But I have not witnessed said scene myself.

That said, I still wouldn't pick him for this list, nor would I heartily second any of the others save for Tom Cruise. My choices, however, would include Zack Efron and Spencer (of Heidi and Spencer), to name two. Though I don't know if they qualify as "Hollywood."

But I'm a lady. Does that disqualify me from assessment?

Posted by: pseudoliterati at November 19, 2008 1:25 PM

Dammit, Rowles, you would start off a conversation about small penises right as I'm about to go into a mostly male Econ class. Now I'm going to be sizing guys up all day. And (even worse) giggling about it like somebody just farted in church.

Sheesh.

Posted by: Kayanne at November 19, 2008 1:27 PM

Aww, don't ruin Piven fantasies for me, dammit!

Posted by: VeinsRHiways at November 19, 2008 1:27 PM

Is Seagal not on the list because he's not really in Hollywood anymore?

Posted by: Eep at November 19, 2008 1:28 PM

Michael Bay and George Lucas.

Posted by: branded at November 19, 2008 1:29 PM

Funny that all these men also have reputations either as ragey assholes or irredeemable douche-nozzles.

I have not personally seen the Colin Ferrel sex tape, but I will take the word of those who have.

Posted by: Genny (also Rusty) at November 19, 2008 1:31 PM

AHAHAHAHAHAHA PIVEN.

I always have had an overwhelming desire to kick Piven in the crotch.

Now I'm wondering if he'd feel anything.

Yeaaah...I'd still kick him.

Posted by: figgy at November 19, 2008 1:38 PM

So when exactly did Dustin go gay? Even his most attractive female list had a man on it.

Posted by: JP at November 19, 2008 1:41 PM

hahahahahahahahahaha
hehehehe
this is an awesome list
could i please nominate Tim Robbins for a having a better than average size? (in my hopes)
and i hope brad pitt has a tic tac in his pants

Posted by: courtney 1 at November 19, 2008 1:48 PM

HHHhhhhhMMmmmmmmmmmmmHHHhhhhhmmmMMMmmmm.... Colin...

And no, he ain't tiny. Or so I've heard....

Posted by: Sofía at November 19, 2008 1:48 PM

Pheww...what a relief. I don't know how I would deal with Colin having a baby dick. I see him every once in a while lurking around the Coffee Bean in our office building (we are right beside CAA). Every time I see him I want to go tell him, "I want to f*** you, bathe you, and f*** you again. As of yet I haven't found the courage. I'll wait until this job is over so when they physically remove me from the building it won't matter. Is all this TMI?

As hot as I think Ari Gold is, I, too have a feeling he's packing light. We can still fool around though.

Posted by: Taylor at November 19, 2008 1:48 PM

John Travolta, there is a reason he keeps taking those roles meant for women. Plus it is a known fact that thetan level has an inverse relationship to jimmy junk size. (Its actually the opposite for women).

Posted by: admin at November 19, 2008 1:54 PM

I can only imagine the sighs of relief when the lurker actor/director readers of Pajiba open this list and joyfully discover that their secret has not been divulged to the film snobs.

Yet.

Posted by: agent bedhead at November 19, 2008 1:55 PM

Interestingly, Hollywood's Smallest Dicks list could be renamed Hollywood's Hugest Twats list and none of the players need be changed.

Posted by: Amelia Bedelia at November 19, 2008 1:56 PM

Sorry, I'm confused, was this a list of the smallest dicks or the biggest dicks (Crowe, Cruise)?

Posted by: bucdaddy at November 19, 2008 2:00 PM

I'll admit right here and now that I used to have the most raging crush on Russell Crowe, right about the time that Gladiator came out. I didn't give a shit how much of a twat he was in real life. He was so huge and oozing sex appeal that I just didn't care.

And then, right after Master and Commander (oh he looked so good in that, too) he just started getting...fat. And flabby. And even more douchy. The flame died out.

Of course I'll still watch Gladiator and M&C and stare at the screen ogling that wonder of a man, and I can pretend the flame never died out.

Yes, it's very nice living in my fantasy world....

Posted by: figgy at November 19, 2008 2:08 PM

See those jeans Vin Diesel is wearing?

I bought those at Delia's 8 years ago. He is legit wearing girl's junior jeans.

Posted by: Marra at November 19, 2008 2:08 PM

I must also heartily disagree with Colin being on this list. The rest, I can agree with.

Posted by: Gabs at November 19, 2008 2:12 PM

Marra, you are completely correct. Oh God, the little square pockets!

Posted by: Smithy at November 19, 2008 2:16 PM

Does there have to be a separate indie list? How "in Hollywood" do these guys have to be?

'Cause if "in Hollywood" means anyone who has made a few movies and is even a little famous, I nominate Vincent Gallo.

I refuse to believe that anything we might have seen in Brown Bunny is his. Based on his attitude, you need a microscope.

Having said that, I totally dug Buffalo 66.

Posted by: courtney 2 at November 19, 2008 2:23 PM

I'll give you all of them except for Colin. I have no shame in saying that I have seen the tape (honestly, this really shouldn't be a surprise to anyone), and it's alright. Not huge, but not a tic tac either. And honestly Dustin, between yesterday's list and today's, you could practically barge out of the closet on a flaming Unicorn and I don't think anyone would notice. Take that as a complement from me to you, Dusty-kins.

Posted by: Jeremy Feist at November 19, 2008 2:27 PM

"Potential clients are advised to screen the controversial scene from The Brown Bunny to be sure for themselves that they can fully accommodate all of me. Clients who have doubt may want to test themselves with an unusually thick and large prosthetic prior to meeting me. You may be surprised just how much you can handle and how good it feels."

-- Vincent Gallo

Source: http://www.vgmerchandise.com/store/pages.php?pageid=4

Posted by: Sofía at November 19, 2008 2:47 PM

Cruise and Crowe look like the kind of guys whose junk is all balls, giving them an inflated sense of self and an ability to fill out their jeans while still coming up "short" with the ladies (except for those ladies who really love balls, and we know there are so many of you out there).

Posted by: Jimbob at November 19, 2008 3:16 PM

So I assume there's no need to do the biggest penis list because we've all seen Eastern Promises and Viggo is our God?

Posted by: PaddyDog at November 19, 2008 3:17 PM

Jude Law
Jay Leno--my theory is that there is a negative correlation between chin size & penis size
Anderson Cooper
Jim Carrey
Eminem
Patrick Swayze
Charlie Sheen
Hugh Hefner has a california raisin down there
so does Michael Douglass
Bruce Willis
Verne Troyer
the guy who thinks he's a Mac, not a PC in those commercials
Bart Simpson

Posted by: mike at November 19, 2008 3:26 PM

That made me sigh out loud Paddy. Just thinking about him does strange things to my pulse.

Posted by: Cindy at November 19, 2008 3:29 PM

Oh my godtopus Sofia. I clicked on the link *shudders*. Please tell me that is not real. I know Vincent Gallo is creepy, but that is a whole new realm of flesh-crawling creepy.

Posted by: androstarr at November 19, 2008 3:41 PM

I realize that Crowe is on this list for his doucheitude, but have been told that his trouser snake is actually quite impressive.

Posted by: Ginger at November 19, 2008 3:47 PM

BRETT RATNER....douchebag extraordinaire

Posted by: Be Adequite! at November 19, 2008 4:00 PM

If you need someone to carefully, personally inspect Colin Farrell's weewee, I humbly nominate myself and my mouth for the task.

Posted by: Be Adequite! at November 19, 2008 4:02 PM

Jude Law is very small. He was watering his plants or something in the nude. I thought it was a pinky finger.

Mike, you meant Justin Long? Actually, that doesn't surprise me.

I wonder how Hugh Jackman's packing. He's People's Sexiest Man, and his name does dirty things to me.

Posted by: Brie at November 19, 2008 4:03 PM

Colin Farrell's got a fairly sizable tube-steak.

Posted by: chenry at November 19, 2008 4:25 PM

To all of my Caucasian brothers, having a log is not at all what it's cracked up to be. It gets old real quick having the ladies telling you you're too big. Sometimes I wish I was average.

Posted by: Pookie at November 19, 2008 5:22 PM

I like to think that Colin Farrell has a sizeable one but maybe I just like them bad boys and like to think they have big wangs. I think all the rest deserve to be on the list, especially The Piv. The size of his ego outmatches his weinershnitzel!

Posted by: ph at November 19, 2008 5:41 PM

So I guess this is a "guess who probably has a small penis" thing as opposed to actually knowing. Because sometimes people act like assholes because they're assholes.

Also, are we accounting for the "a grower not a shower" factor?

Posted by: Slash at November 19, 2008 6:25 PM

Cindy:

I'm right there with you. I wore out the DVD of Eastern Promises going back over the Turkish Bath scene incessantly. Netflix was not happy.

Posted by: PaddyDog at November 19, 2008 6:30 PM

Well you don't have to guess about Cruise because he and Caroline Thompson got naked together in All the Right Moves and he compared unfavorably with his own thumb. Where is Brad Pitt? There was a famous photo of him smoking a cigarette with Gwyneth Paltrow, who has a black rug which doesn't match the blond drapes, naked in a back yard and as Keenan Wayans famously observed, "The cigarette was longer."

Posted by: OscarTamerz at November 19, 2008 7:03 PM

If I learned anything from full frontal in "Forgetting Sarah Marshall," it's that "big" is a very relative term.

Posted by: ciji at November 19, 2008 7:10 PM

If I learned anything from the full frontal in "Forgetting Sarah Marshall," it's that "big" is a very relative term.

Posted by: ciji at November 19, 2008 7:10 PM

EP is must-own DVD, Paddy.

I have to go hose myself down now.

Posted by: Cindy at November 19, 2008 8:15 PM

I would have to say, list of small one's
should include the President-Elect,

he walks with a wide swagger,

roll that beautiful, bean footage!

Posted by: sillywilly at November 19, 2008 9:43 PM

Wow you absolutely nailed Piven.

Posted by: Az at November 19, 2008 10:16 PM

and i hope brad pitt has a tic tac in his pants
oh Courtney thank you...truly cackle worthy!

Posted by: Brite at November 20, 2008 1:42 AM

I'd add Ryan Seacrest to the list - you just know he's hung like a cashew!

As for Brad...
eh, not too bad I guess....

Posted by: Tarn at November 20, 2008 6:30 AM

I can't help but wonder what the world would be like if genitals smelled and tasted better.

Posted by: ohgodyes at November 20, 2008 6:57 AM

I also have to thank Sofia for making me aware of an opportunity because...

"Heavy set, older, red heads and even black chicks can have me if they can pay the bill."

--Vincent Gallo

On behalf of black chicks, Thanks, Vince. Any of the heavy set, older, or red heads want to chime in?

Posted by: schreeke at November 20, 2008 8:55 AM

I'm going undercover, because I post once in a while, but after a couple (ha! lots!) of investigations, I have discovered that the biggest dickheads sometimes DO have the biggest packages. In fact, my current relationship's longevity (and I'm talking longer lasting than all my parent's marriages combined) is literally based upon his being a serious porno contender. And he can be a massive prick in the non-sexual sense. At least we have stuff to do when I'm perpetually angry with his bullshit.

Posted by: anon at November 20, 2008 2:56 PM

OK, that Gallo thing was ... upsetting. For reals. Like, doesn't this dude have a publicist (best friend, personal assistant, girlfriend, overprotective mom, ANYTHING) to be all "oh, Vinnie baby, NO. Just NO." His dithering about "Jew mothers" was ... either the most hilarious or offensive thing I've ever read. Also, when he offers a discount to people who can prove being descended from "the German soldiers from the midcentury" is he talking about ... Nazis? He wants to bang Nazi-spawn but he'll have a kid with a Jewish woman because that kid will have a leg up in Hollywood? THE HELL?

Posted by: lizling at November 21, 2008 3:19 PM

How bout John Mayer, douchebag extraordinaire?

Hey you guys--wasn't Diesel in PORN movies before Hollywood? I heard that, and can't find out if it's true or not! Someone have pity on me, and let me know, ok?
Thankee sai!

Posted by: SolitaryAngel at November 22, 2008 8:33 AM

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Posted by: Zikelian at December 19, 2008 8:44 AM

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Posted by: Zikelian at December 19, 2008 8:44 AM

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Posted by: Zikelian at December 19, 2008 8:44 AM

It's funny how women's perception of these men, these hunks, as they call them. All im saying is that you can't judge a book by it's cover, which doesn't always refere to unattractive people. I read this article about this guy, who when I saw a picture of him, did not look like any of these men that were shown on this site. He was, if most people agreed with me a little on the less then average side in the looks department. In fact he noted in the interview portion of this article that he still lives with his mother and that he hasn't had a girlfriend in almost 12 years. So that tells you that when man is endowed with a certain penis size, it's not on who should recieve the more endowement, but rather a luck of the draw.

Posted by: David Turley at December 29, 2008 12:39 PM

Oh I forgot to give the most important information about this guy, the one who was still living with his mother, who hasn't dated in almost 12 years. He was reported to having the largest penis in the world, I mean in the freeworld. It measured at 14.5" long.

Posted by: David Turley at December 29, 2008 12:48 PM

re: PEVIN....that guy's gotta be packin....watch Entourage

Posted by: den at December 31, 2008 2:24 PM

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good luck

Posted by: Paula Harmon at January 9, 2009 11:19 PM

Collin ferril does not have a small penis, ive seen his sex tape and its huge!!as for Bruce Willis his isn't to bad there is a movie that he shows it in I'd suck them both but Collins first cuz its huge!if I had to guess iy ha to be at least 81/2 9 inches its pretty

Posted by: josh at January 28, 2009 1:31 PM

what most people don't realize is that most actors are much shorter than 'appear' - I would not say that Colin has a huge one. It's a matter of proportion to body size - an 'average' schlong appears teeny on a tall guy, but huge on a short guy.
I remember the Tom Cruise wee wee. In fact my copy of "All of the Right Moves"(taped from HBO at age 12) ended up almost destroyed from a huge amound of rewinds and pauses. As for me, the age says everything. At age 12, everything appears larger, period. Either it was very cold on set, or he befriended a sock in 'Magnolia'

Posted by: Chris at February 1, 2009 4:13 PM

what most people don't realize is that most actors are much shorter than 'appear' - I would not say that Colin has a huge one. It's a matter of proportion to body size - an 'average' schlong appears teeny on a tall guy, but huge on a short guy.
I remember the Tom Cruise wee wee. In fact my copy of "All of the Right Moves"(taped from HBO at age 12) ended up almost destroyed from a huge amound of rewinds and pauses. As for me, the age says everything. At age 12, everything appears larger, period. Either it was very cold on set, or he befriended a sock in 'Magnolia'

Posted by: Chris at February 1, 2009 4:13 PM

This person is so wrooong about cocks. have you seen the porn movie with Collin?? he has got a massive cock and fucks a lot and hard in any position with a black girl.

Posted by: mauricio at February 21, 2009 10:59 AM

Fuck You!

Posted by: gxtstvibr at March 9, 2009 10:45 PM

That guy is a dick

Posted by: Sanchez at March 9, 2009 10:47 PM





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