November 19, 2008 | Comments ()

Hollywood's Smallest Penis

A Seriously Random List XXV / Dustin Rowles

Seriously Random Lists | November 19, 2008 | Comments ()

I haven’t actually seen any of the wee willies flapping around in the still winds of Hollywood. But I can tell, you know. I mean, small-penis syndrome is fairly obvious to detect. And it has less to do with sports cars than you think. It’s got a lot to do with swagger, in particular the existence of one where it should not exist. An affected bow-leggedness, if you get my meaning. The more cocksure a guy is, the less cock there is to be sure of.

Granted, there are a lot of swaggery men in Hollywood, but there’s nothing affected in the real deals. Robert Downey, Jr., for instance, walks with his head high and his shoulders back, but that swagger is straight-legged. Even Keanu Reeves walks with his knees close together. It’s an important distinction — men with sizeable hang-lows don’t walk like John Wayne, except for John Wayne, of course. But men with Gherkinson’s Disease — they spread it, allow room for something that doesn’t exist. It’s textbook overcompensation.

And here are Hollywood’s wee men. The Small Dick Troupe. The Baby-Dick Collective:

5. Russell Crowe — Schoo Small


4. Collin Farell — WeeWee


3. Vin Diesel — Pindick


2. Tom Cruise — Gherkinoid


1. Jeremy Piven — Baby Carrot


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