Five Movies 'The Lego Movie''s Phil Lord and Christopher Miller Should Have Directed
The directing duo of Phil Lord and Christopher Miller has turned in three feature films: Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, 21 Jump Street, and The Lego Movie. All three, on paper, looked like they should have sucked. All three ended up absolutely magical. (Agent Bedhead’s review of The Lego Movie nails it on the head.)
Out of a single solitary thought, shared on Twitter, this list was born. The thought? “Lord and Miller could probably direct a Battleship sequel and make it amazing.” (BTW, go follow me on Twitter. I dunno, if you want. I say things sometimes.) The list? Movies that Lord and Miller could have turned into something other than the ultimate suckfests they ended up being. These dudes made Clone High, after all.
Take the aliens out? Nah. Make the whole thing aliens. Set it in space. Give it music (hey, Rihanna’s already there). Turn Battleship into the literal space opera humanity has always deserved.
4) World War Z
Lord and Miller, harnessing their powers of goodness and light, would have made World War Z into what it should have been—a six-hour Ken Burns-style HBO mockumentary done in the oral history style that made Max Brooks’ original book so great—as opposed to what actual director Marc Forster gave us: A generic action movie starring Brad Pitt as a generic action hero who saves his generic imperiled family.
3) Spider-Man 3
This whole movie could have been 90 minutes of an emo haired Peter Parker doing hip thrusts, and somehow, under the auspices of Lord and Miller, it would have worked. I’d have been sobbing into my popcorn at the end of it, ready to sally forth and reach the potential 10 year old me thought I had, before society and being a *shudder* adult got in the way. Such is their magic.
Make it a Clone High AU. No, really. Achilles is pretty much the Blue Steelified numbskull jock of the Trojan War in this movie anyway. If you’re gonna do that, do it whole hog and set Troy in high school. Achilles is the star quarterback of Hellas High School (the Fighting Hellions—We’re Hellas Awesome!), with Agamemnon as the overly intense coach who’s obsessed with beating the rival Trojans in the state championship after Paris, younger brother of their star QB Hector, stole his brother Menelaus’ girlfriend and TPed their house. After the game (Hector got slayed out there), the traffic around the school is so bad that Odysseus tries to take a shortcut and ends up three states over. I’m not joking. I want this movie.
1) Star Wars: Episode 1 - The Phantom Menace
As a lifelong Star Wars geek, the pain of The Phantom Menace is still too near for me to delve too deep into exactly what Lord and Miller could have done to save this movie from being the force of ultimate childhood ruiningness it turned into. That wound will never fully heal. Maybe even their awesome skill wouldn’t have been enough to save the single most disappointing entity in movie—perhaps cultural, or even world—history. Or maybe they’d have stuffed George Lucas in a locker, ripped up all the plans for Jar Jar Binks, and turned in a worthy successor to the original trilogy that didn’t have any fucking midichlorians!
Rebecca Pahle writes stuff. She does things.