Five Movies 'The Lego Movie''s Phil Lord and Christopher Miller Should Have Directed

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Five Movies 'The Lego Movie''s Phil Lord and Christopher Miller Should Have Directed

By Rebecca Pahle | Seriously Random Lists | February 10, 2014 | Comments ()

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The directing duo of Phil Lord and Christopher Miller has turned in three feature films: Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, 21 Jump Street, and The Lego Movie. All three, on paper, looked like they should have sucked. All three ended up absolutely magical. (Agent Bedhead’s review of The Lego Movie nails it on the head.)

Out of a single solitary thought, shared on Twitter, this list was born. The thought? “Lord and Miller could probably direct a Battleship sequel and make it amazing.” (BTW, go follow me on Twitter. I dunno, if you want. I say things sometimes.) The list? Movies that Lord and Miller could have turned into something other than the ultimate suckfests they ended up being. These dudes made Clone High, after all.

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5) Battleship
Take the aliens out? Nah. Make the whole thing aliens. Set it in space. Give it music (hey, Rihanna’s already there). Turn Battleship into the literal space opera humanity has always deserved.

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4) World War Z
Lord and Miller, harnessing their powers of goodness and light, would have made World War Z into what it should have been—a six-hour Ken Burns-style HBO mockumentary done in the oral history style that made Max Brooks’ original book so great—as opposed to what actual director Marc Forster gave us: A generic action movie starring Brad Pitt as a generic action hero who saves his generic imperiled family.

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3) Spider-Man 3

This whole movie could have been 90 minutes of an emo haired Peter Parker doing hip thrusts, and somehow, under the auspices of Lord and Miller, it would have worked. I’d have been sobbing into my popcorn at the end of it, ready to sally forth and reach the potential 10 year old me thought I had, before society and being a *shudder* adult got in the way. Such is their magic.


2) Troy

Make it a Clone High AU. No, really. Achilles is pretty much the Blue Steelified numbskull jock of the Trojan War in this movie anyway. If you’re gonna do that, do it whole hog and set Troy in high school. Achilles is the star quarterback of Hellas High School (the Fighting Hellions—We’re Hellas Awesome!), with Agamemnon as the overly intense coach who’s obsessed with beating the rival Trojans in the state championship after Paris, younger brother of their star QB Hector, stole his brother Menelaus’ girlfriend and TPed their house. After the game (Hector got slayed out there), the traffic around the school is so bad that Odysseus tries to take a shortcut and ends up three states over. I’m not joking. I want this movie.

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1) Star Wars: Episode 1 - The Phantom Menace

As a lifelong Star Wars geek, the pain of The Phantom Menace is still too near for me to delve too deep into exactly what Lord and Miller could have done to save this movie from being the force of ultimate childhood ruiningness it turned into. That wound will never fully heal. Maybe even their awesome skill wouldn’t have been enough to save the single most disappointing entity in movie—perhaps cultural, or even world—history. Or maybe they’d have stuffed George Lucas in a locker, ripped up all the plans for Jar Jar Binks, and turned in a worthy successor to the original trilogy that didn’t have any fucking midichlorians!

Rebecca Pahle writes stuff. She does things.

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • Tinkerville

    Clone High is an under appreciated masterpiece. I'm still in such a state of bliss after seeing The Lego Movie that my list of things Phil and Christopher should be involved with extends to "everything, ever."

  • I dunno, 'Troy' is pretty good already, I don't think it really needs to be fiddled with. Although I would like to see an 'Odyssey' follow-up, with Sean Bean as Odysseus.

    Also, people need to get the hell over zombies in general and 'World War Z' in particular. It bore little resemblance to the book, yeah but A)that's not a new thing for Hollywood to do and B)the book was pretty much unfilmable as a close translation within the scope of a two hour movie. Would it have worked better as a 6, 10, or, 13 episode series? Yeah, it would have, but that's not the format it had. As a two hour zombie movie, it was pretty decent.

  • RollandsOwn

    I can't get over it, it bears absolutely no resemblance to the source material, what they did goes far beyond regular adaptation changes. People were pissed when the Dragonball movie turned out to be nothing like the series so I don't see I we should ignore it this time. I even tried judging it as its own thing (which I don't have to, when you take the title of an existing property you invite comparison) and it still sucked. That final third is one of the most boring I've ever seen. As you can tell, I hate this movie.

  • foolsage

    I quite enjoyed "Troy". And yes, I would LOVE to see Sean Bean's "Odyssey".

  • zeke_the_pig

    I'm still yet to get over the surprise that was 21 Jump Street. If someone had told me a few years back that I would agree with describing something featuring this as 'magical', I would've spit-laughed in their dumb dumb face:

  • Uriah_Creep

    How the hell does a potato do that??

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