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Five Horrible Movie Characters Whom Everyone Still Wants to Bone

By Rebecca Pahle | Seriously Random Lists | June 11, 2015 |


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Honorable mention on this list of movie jackasses whom a shit-ton of people still want to fuck despite them being total assholes, which we know, we know: Grand Moff Tarkin from Star Wars, because I’ve been informed that that’s just me. What the hell, people?!

The Goblin King from Labyrinth

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Ahhhh, yes. First, most obvious, and best. This is the glittery, babynapping tool who sent thousands of adolescents careening into puberty. No kid’s movie has done anything quite so ballsy as the Bowie Bulge, before or since:

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Captain Hook from Peter Pan

No, not this version…

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…or this one…

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…though if OG Disney Hook or Christopher Walken do tickle your pickle, whatever, who am I to judge? But I’m talking about this guy (no, not your version, Oncers!):

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Goblin King!David Bowie is to kids who grew up in the ’80s as Captain Hook!Jason Isaacs, from the severely underrated 2003 version of Peter Pan, is to kids from the early aughts. The hair and clothes are both, objectively speaking, fucking ridiculous, and yet something about the character just really… works. In a pants way. Jason Isaacs is sexying it up left and right in this movie, which is a little weird considering many of the people he’s acting against are children, but whatever. Captain Hook cannot be tamed.

J.D. from Heathers

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Let’s talk about this. J.D. from Heathers is a sociopath who tried to blow up his school. If successful, he would have murdered hundreds of people. On a personal level, he is a pretentious jagoff who treats Veronica like absolute shit. And yet for many people, myself included, Christian Slater in Heather is the epitome of ’80s leading man sexiness. I don’t get it. I thought I understood myself better than this. Do girls really like guys who treat them like shit? Have the fedoras been right this whole time?*

*No

Loki from the MCU

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Some people *coughTumblrcough* want to ride Loki’s scepter so hard that they’re willing to overlook the whole attempted enslavement of an entire planet thing. The man’s been as woobied as woobie can be. God damn you, Tom Hiddleston! Why do you have to make villainy look so good?

Snape from Harry Potter

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Actually, Alan Rickman has something of a trifecta going: Hans Gruber in Die Hard, the Sheriff of Nottingham from Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, and Snape. The dude does alluring villainy really well. And, while Snape’s not a villain in the traditional sense of the term (at least by the end of the Harry Potter series), he’s still a dickwad of a human being and thus deserves to be on this list. IDGAF how angsty you are about your teenage bout of unrequited love, you don’t get to use your position of authority, as a teacher, to be a dick to children. No one fucks with Neville Longbottom.

And yet. Everyone wants all up on him. Snape and Loki should have a woobie-off. Who is king woob?!

Edited to add: I left James Spader off this list. No character in particular—just James Spader. It was an oversight, and I regret it horribly.

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