Favorite TV Lawyers | Pajiba - Scathing Reviews for Bitchy People

Favorite TV Lawyers

A Seriously Random List / Seth Freilich

Seriously Random Lists | May 13, 2009 | Comments (71)

10. Alan Cooper-Fozzard (“Trust”). (I know it’s a one-off BBC show almost none of you have ever seen, but trust me. I mean, Cooper-Fozzard was played by the future Al Swearengen. Win.)

9. Perry Mason (“Perry Mason”)

8. Victor Sifuentes (“L.A. Law”)

7. Havey Birdman (“Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law”)

6. John Cage (“Ally McBeal”)

5. Dan Fielding (“Night Court”)

4. Arnie Becker (“L.A. Law”)

3. Denny Crane (“Boston Legal”)

2. Jack McCoy (“Law & Order”)

1. Lionel Hutz (“The Simpsons”)

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Comments

No Bob Loblaw???? Ay carumba!

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at May 13, 2009 4:17 PM

I... haven't the slightest issue with your list. I was going to mention James Spader's character for WHENEVER he plays a lawyer (Secretary= yum) but Denny Crane is the awesome.

So, yeah.

[whisper] Denny Crane [/whisper]

Posted by: Sweetie Dahling at May 13, 2009 4:20 PM

I'm Lionel Hutz your agent, unauthorized biographer and drug dealerrrrrrrr-keeper awayer.

Posted by: BillowingBackpacks at May 13, 2009 4:21 PM

Fuck Bob Loblaw AND his lawblog, Barry Zuckerkorn was better. He's very good!

Posted by: Julie at May 13, 2009 4:22 PM

Billowbackpacks: HA! That's a great quote.

Judge: Mr. Hutz, are you aware you're not wearing any pants?
Lionel Hutz: Uh, your Honor, can I call for one of those bad trial thingies?
Judge: You mean a mistrial?
Lionel Hutz: Yeah...that's why you're the judge, and I'm the law talkin...guy.

Posted by: Julie at May 13, 2009 4:24 PM

"Well, he's kind of had it in for me, since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace `accidentally' with 'repeatedly', and replace 'dog' with 'son'."

Awesome list all around, but you're missing Ted from Scrubs! Come on, Seth! I thought we were on the same wavelength here.

Posted by: figgy at May 13, 2009 4:25 PM

Do you think only men are lawyers?

How in God's name can you leave off Ally McBeal? She is as close as I'll ever get to having an honest-to-God television counterpart. Breasts and vagina and eating disorder aside, I could TOTALLY be her.

I'm also throwing in Miranda from Sex and the City, Claire Huxtable from The Cosby Show, and just for a dash of testosterone....Matlock and Will Truman from Will and Grace.

Posted by: The Pink Hulk at May 13, 2009 4:27 PM

Figgy...Ted! How could we forget Ted?

Ted: 312 times 481 equals...
Ted: It's not giving me the answer!
Dr. Kelso: It's a typewriter, you jackass.
Ted: Oh God, it's got my tie!

Posted by: Julie at May 13, 2009 4:31 PM

The Pink Hulk - Ally McBeal is a blight on all things, well, really just all things. So, since I like you, I'm hoping you were just being facetious.

Posted by: tamatha at May 13, 2009 4:32 PM

Pffft, Harvey Birdman! Phil Ken Sebben is the only reason to watch that show.

Posted by: Snath at May 13, 2009 4:37 PM

Lionel Hutz, YES!

I laughed so hard, I coughed up most of my vital organs! Rest in peace, Phil Hartman.

Posted by: George at May 13, 2009 4:39 PM

The Pink Hulk: I really do hope that unlike Ally, you have pecs, cock and an appetite. Because if you didn't, the sex would be a little weird.

Posted by: Jeremy Feist at May 13, 2009 4:45 PM

Wait a minute... Denny Crane makes it... but ALAN SHORE doesn't???

What the FUCK?!?!?!?!

Posted by: Maryscott O'Connor at May 13, 2009 4:45 PM

Bart: So you don't work on a contingency basis?
Hutz: No, money down. Oops, I shouldn't have the Bar Association logo here either. [Hutz eats ad]

Nice to see L.A. Law twice-represented. That was my favorite show back in the day.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at May 13, 2009 4:45 PM

I had to look it up, but here is my favorite Hutz quote.
Hutz: Mr. Simpson, I was just going through your garbage, and I couldn't help overhearing that you need a babysitter. Of course, being a highly-skilled attorney, my fee is $175 an hour.
Homer: We pay eight dollars for the night, and you can take two popsicles out of the freezer.
Hutz: Three.
Homer: Two.
Hutz: OK, two. And I get to keep this old bird cage.
Homer: Done!
Hutz: [proudly] Still got it.

And a bonus one..

"Now Apu, Mrs. Simpsons claims she forgot she was carrying that bottle of... delicious bourbon. Brownest of the brown liquors. What's that? You want me to drink you? I'm in the middle of a trial."

Posted by: Handel at May 13, 2009 4:46 PM

The elderly crowd must be napping...I expected to see more outrage over the Matlock exclusion.

Posted by: branded at May 13, 2009 4:50 PM

They would, but they can't remember him. ZING.

Phil Ken Sebben is the only reason to watch that show.

Haaa, yes!

"Ha-HA...Dangly parts!"

Also, Mentok. Mentok is the awesomenest.

Posted by: figgy at May 13, 2009 4:58 PM

"Well, I have lots of conjecture and hearsay. Those are kinds of evidence."

Posted by: Todd at May 13, 2009 4:59 PM

Sorry, Tamatha, but it is true. I am emotionally retarded, just like Ally McBeal AND I'm going through a whole should-I or shouldn't-I thing that she was famous for AND maybe sometimes, I hallucinate.

And Jeremy, no worries. I have all those things, and the sex is gonna be juuuust fine.

Posted by: The Pink Hulk at May 13, 2009 4:59 PM

Also, it says something about me that out of that entire list the only two I know are the cartoons.

WIN!

Posted by: figgy at May 13, 2009 5:05 PM

How about Cliff from Veronica Mars? He was always good for giggles.

Posted by: Bonnie at May 13, 2009 5:06 PM

What? No Russell Johnson (the Professor from Gilligan's Island). He lost to Perry Mason like 2057 times.

Plus, does it count if you ALWAYS play a lawyer? John Laroquette is also on Boston Legal, as a lawyer. And Sam Waterson's been a lawyer in every damn movie and TV show he's been in. And what about Laurie Partridge, huh, huh, huh?

Posted by: BWeaves at May 13, 2009 5:06 PM

No Cliff McCormack? a lawyer that advices you to not hire him? I have a soft spot for his low sweet voice
plus Simon Baker in The Guardian was deliciously hot and broody though it's hard to pick anyone since I basically watch any procedural that has ever been shot.It's started with reruns of perry mason when I was in elementary school. I cant almost fall a sleep without and episode of law and order, especially if it is SVU. some people need the sound of whales to fall at sleep, I cant without gruesome violence against kids and old people.

Posted by: rio at May 13, 2009 5:07 PM

No love for Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer?

Posted by: J Stride at May 13, 2009 5:08 PM

Mr. Simpson, the state bar forbids me from promising you a big cash settlement. But just between you and me, I promise you a big cash settlement.

Posted by: eddie at May 13, 2009 5:23 PM

JOHN CAGE! Poughkeh-Poughkeh-Pouhkeh-Poughkeepsie. Long live The Biscuit.

I don't care what anyone thinks. I would gladly give up my few remaining cool points for Ally McBeal to be released on Region 1 DVD already.

Posted by: Courtney at May 13, 2009 5:24 PM

Now now now I might not be a big fancy city lawyah' but I do believe, that Matlock needs to be put up in this here list.

He's no more of a unrealistic construct than any of these other clowns.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at May 13, 2009 5:39 PM

No Barry Zuckercorn? Really? Yeah, he was a shitty lawyer, but the man could recognize a photo of balls from a mile away!

Posted by: Jeni at May 13, 2009 5:51 PM

Second Cliff McCormack ("I like this case, it’s tawdry ... I'll be your if-you-cannot-afford-an-attorney attorney ... The expletive racial expletive had it maternal expletive coming.") And also Simon Baker from the Guardian, just to expose myself as unnaturally susceptible to treacly drama and fine specimens of manliness. (Can't get into his new show, though.)

Posted by: Dudleys Mom at May 13, 2009 6:05 PM

Aw come on! What about lawyer guy from BSG?! He even had an imaginary cat! Well...sorta. And totally doable too, even the cane was sexy...kinda Dr. House-ish...who is Hugh Laurie...who is also totally doable. Ok, clearly I have sex on my mind.

Posted by: Joker at May 13, 2009 6:24 PM

BWeaves...Sam Waterston played an astronaut in Capricorn One, so there's at least one role where he wasn't an attorney.

I still love the original A.D.A. of Law & Order the Mothership, Mike Stone, as played by Michael Moriarty.

Posted by: krix at May 13, 2009 6:44 PM

Hulk, when has Calista Flockhart ever displayed anything that be seriously considered breasts? Now, if you'd said Lisa Nicole Carson . . . well, I could ignore your dangly bits for that.

Matlock is a shameful admission as is Clarence Darrow. What kind of godless, Commie atheist are you to forget about Clarence Darrow?

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at May 13, 2009 6:45 PM

Where is Space Chicken Lawyer?

"I'm sorry, I thought you was corn."

Posted by: Shane at May 13, 2009 6:55 PM

Sam Waterston's style of speaking drives me to distraction. It seems like it takes a Herculean effort to form words with his mouth.

Posted by: sansho1 at May 13, 2009 6:59 PM

This list is void of Ted and thus entirely invalid.

Posted by: t at May 13, 2009 7:04 PM

Memories! I haven't seen some of these faces in YEARS!
But, yeah, where's Matlock? Perry but no Matlock?
I love them both, don't force me to choose!

Posted by: Four Eyes at May 13, 2009 7:36 PM

Alan Shore definitely would have been my favorite, and Denny Crane a close second.

Posted by: Cindy at May 13, 2009 7:41 PM

Word, J stride.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I'm just a caveman. I fell on some ice and was later thawed by some of your scientists. Your world frightens and confuses me! . . . When I see my image on the security camera at the country club, I wonder, are they stealing my soul? I get so upset, I hop out of my Range Rover, and run across the fairway to the clubhouse, where I get Carlos to make me one of those martinis he's so famous for, to soothe my primitive caveman brain. But whatever world you're from, I do know one thing -- Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer belongs on this list.

Posted by: Eep at May 13, 2009 7:55 PM

I can't believe there isn't a single lawyer from "firefly" for you to put on the list.

Naah, I'm just kidding (psst - but seriously, there isn't, is there?)

Posted by: superasente at May 13, 2009 8:55 PM

I agree! Where's Bob Lablaw?!?!?!

Posted by: ChristianH at May 13, 2009 8:58 PM

Uh, hello? Wayne Jarvis? He's a total professional!

Posted by: Geetch at May 13, 2009 9:24 PM

Ooo, and I second the Hyper Chicken! (Sorry for the consecutive posts.)

Posted by: Geetch at May 13, 2009 9:26 PM

Hamilton Burger.

The Washington Generals of prosecutors.

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at May 13, 2009 9:29 PM

Phil Ken Sebben should be on this list. And Reducto. I love that little guy.

Reducto: "Ladies and gentlemen, I ask you... do you think you're descended from... apes? From filthy animals, covered in fur, hair everywhere on their body? Hair that grows back even if we spend hours each day removing one by one any offending follicle from our face or chest or worse, back? With tweezers or dare I say more painful methods like harsh depilatory creams or sugar waxing? FULL BRAZILIAN!"

Posted by: Melissa at May 13, 2009 9:55 PM

You forgot Douglas Wambaugh from Picket Fences. Oy.

Posted by: John W at May 13, 2009 10:31 PM

WHOA...no ALAN SHORE???? There has never been a lawyer on TV that has given such magnificent closings!!! All others are only pretenders in Alan Shore's presence.

Posted by: plotline at May 13, 2009 11:06 PM

You forgot Douglas Wambaugh from Picket Fences. Oy.

Posted by: John W at May 13, 2009 10:31 PM
---
Excellent addition.

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at May 13, 2009 11:13 PM

Johnnie Cochran, "The O.J. Simpson Trial"

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at May 13, 2009 11:16 PM

BWeaves>> Larroquette was also a lawyer on West Wing. :- )

Posted by: DarthCorleone at May 13, 2009 11:28 PM

Eh, the list is OK, but no evil lawyers from Wolfram & Hart? C'mon! Everything about that was awesome. Lila? Gavin?

And, I agree, Ted from "Scrubs" should definitely be on the list. And what the hell, Nina, too. That "ball buster" sequence is comedy gold.

Also, Lucy Liu's lawyer character (Ling) kicked Ally McBeal's ass all over the place. Ling rules. Or should.

Posted by: Slash at May 13, 2009 11:41 PM

BTW, I don't usually throw down the ovary card, but no chick lawyers? You're telling me you don't think a single fictional chick lawyer is worthy of inclusion on the list of fave TV lawyers? Not even Veronica Hamel on "Hill Street Blues"? I thought she would have at least been good for a "hot babe lawyer" vote.

Now that I think more about it, your list kinda sucks.

Posted by: Slash at May 13, 2009 11:47 PM

BTW, I don't usually throw down the ovary card, but no chick lawyers?

I could be wrong, but wasn't there already a list for female lawyers? It may have been L&O-centric, but I could swear there was one already.

Posted by: Vermillion at May 13, 2009 11:57 PM

No female lawyers? That sucks.

Posted by: ER at May 14, 2009 12:10 AM

Fuck yes. Third for the Hyper Chicken!

Posted by: dsbs at May 14, 2009 12:20 AM

glenn close in damages? anyone?

Posted by: gp at May 14, 2009 12:43 AM

RE: Vermillion at May 13, 2009 11:57 PM
"I could be wrong, but wasn't there already a list for female lawyers? It may have been L&O-centric, but I could swear there was one already."

Fuck if I can remember. Just wanted to throw it out there. I don't actually care that much. I mean, it's not like Miss California's position on gay marriage, an issue I care deeply about. Boy, this last week has been a real roller-coaster.

And yeah, Glenn Close in "Damages" rocks the shit pretty hard.

Posted by: Slash at May 14, 2009 1:18 AM

Ted from Scrubs should be there for being the loveable beaten down door mat that he is. That and his acapella group kicks mass amounts of harmonised ass.

Ed Stevens from Ed should be there too, HE WAS A BOWLING ALLEY LAWYER!!!... and a damn fine one to boot

Posted by: RonnyK at May 14, 2009 3:27 AM

Joker,
Romo Lampkin's cat was real - the props people actually put a gruesome fake dead cat in the bag, even though we never saw it! True story.
I don't want to jump him, though. House, on the other hand....

Nobody's mentioned Victor Sifuentes - damn, that guy was the hotness. Tall, dark and have-some!

Ok, looks like you're not the only one thinking about sex today....

Posted by: Tarn at May 14, 2009 6:07 AM

speaking of damages, is it worth renting?
season one keeps staring at me in the video store.

for people who loved it, what other tv shows float your boat?
(just trying to gauge if we have the same taste)

Posted by: celery at May 14, 2009 8:08 AM

Where the hell are the female lawyers? Ally McBeal, Miranda Hobbes, Claire Huxtable, Eleanor Frutt, and (despite the fact that she was in all of 2? 3? episodes) Glenn Close's character on West Wing was freaking awesome.

I have to say that this particular lack of female inclusion on a seriously random list (which, lets face it, happens all the fucking time) is really pissing me off. How the fuck can [certain] Pajiba writers maintain their stance of intellectual liberal elitism (which all of us readers have too, I'm not saying it's a bad thing) yet so completely ignore such a substantial portion of their demographic? Rather than being liberal and progressive (or even just fair and open-minded), too often my beloved Pajiba smacks of indifference at best and misogyny at worst.

Posted by: JJ McClay at May 14, 2009 8:27 AM

Sebastian Stark from Shark
Ron Trott from Justice
Alan Shore from Boston Legal
Patty Hewes from Damages

Posted by: Doctor Controversy at May 14, 2009 9:17 AM

season one of damages was alright. there was a lull in the middle where my roomie and i kept wondering when something was going to happen. but even then, it was better than most the drivel on.
glenn close sure can play scandelous bitch pretty well. i went back and forth "i LOVE her! i HATE her!" and rose byrne was a perfect casting choice opposite her.
at first, i was like, oh no ted danson. but even he won me over.

Posted by: gp at May 14, 2009 9:34 AM

Seconding wondering what happened to Wolfram & Hart - Lilah? Lindsey? What about the thoroughly awesome Holland Manners? And my husband is on a Seinfeld rewatching kick, so I have to put in a vote for Jackie Childs....

I too find the lack of female lawyers on this list kind of disappointing, but it only reminds me that usually on TV the female lawyers are the subordinates to Sam Waterson. Still, what about Sharon Lawrence as ADA Sylvia Costas on NYPD Blue? The afore-mentioned Lilah Morgan on Angel? And Claire Kincaid on L&O, who filled the role before it became completely generic?

Posted by: Edith at May 14, 2009 12:42 PM

I'm the ONLY guy who remembers Daniel Benzali as Teddy Hoffman in Murder One?

Posted by: Ed at May 14, 2009 12:51 PM

Hey, Seth isn't mysogynistic! A woman is his wife.

Posted by: Kballs at May 14, 2009 1:23 PM

Yes Kballs, those two things are mutually exclusive.

Posted by: Koolickle at May 14, 2009 1:58 PM

I have been married to two lawyers - not at the same time - and I am going with Hamilton Berger. He always lost.

Posted by: Arkansan at May 14, 2009 2:26 PM

Jack McCoy sucked. Ben Stone is superior.

Actually to be honest, I didn't like either much. It was all about Lenny Briscoe.

Posted by: Hurp Durp at May 14, 2009 7:15 PM

I second (or third) Cliff McCormick. "Dershowitz, Cochrane, and Shapiro were offering up their limbs, and he comes here for representation. I failed criminal law and I still know that can't be good."

Posted by: Austin asking for trouble at May 15, 2009 2:25 AM

I do honestly believe that from all of the above statements, the most valid are ze pro-Alan Shore comments. Seriously. How could you omit?

Posted by: andreea at May 15, 2009 9:54 AM

What about Assistant States Attorney Rhonda Pearlman? No love for her at all? (And the absence of Bob Loblaw is a crying shame)

Posted by: Fionna at May 16, 2009 7:18 AM

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