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Everything I Ever Need to Know to Succeed in the Workplace I Learned from Office Movies

A Seriously Random List / Dustin Rowles

Seriously Random Lists | September 3, 2009 | Comments (30)

I got through college the same way I got through high school: By watching a lot of movies and following the advice they offered. Also, it helps to ignore common sense. Likewise, since my education ran its course (read: I couldn’t get any more student loans), I’ve managed to succeed in the workplace by ignoring everything my brain was telling me, and living by a few maxims I’ve picked up from office movies. Workplace manuals? Screw them. Sexual harassment trainings? Who cares? Self-help nonsense? Brother, please. Ignore everything your employers have ever told you, and instead, follow these bits of wisdom I picked up from my DVD player. If you do so, maybe someday you can be a famous Internet personality just like me!


The only real challenge with any job, is trying to look busy when there’s nothing to do. — Clockwatchers

The only way to bag a classy lady is to give her two tickets to the gun show. — Anchorman

Human beings were not meant to sit in little cubicles staring at computer screens all day, filling out useless forms and listening to eight different bosses drone on about mission statements. — Office Space

This job would be great if it wasn’t for the fucking customers. — Clerks

It’s not always the most popular person who gets the job done. (also, “Lunch is for wimps.”) — Wall Street

Anybody who tells you money is the root of all evil doesn’t fucking have any. — Boiler Room

Cellulite is one of the main ingredients in corn chowder. — The Devil Wears Prada

A-B-C. A-Always, B-Be, C-Closing. Always be closing, always be closing. — Glengarry Glen Ross ]

You don’t get ahead in this world by calling your boss a pimp. — Working Girl

Some people take, some people get took. And they know they’re getting took and there’s nothing they can do about it. — The Apartment

“Don’t work with any exact boundaries of the law because I wasn’t consulted when the goddamn laws were made. No, instead nameless, faceless politicians, the so called protectors of the moral majority decide what is right and what is wrong. I govern my life around my own personal code of ethics, and I suggest that you do the same. That way if, within the constructs of my own morality, I were to do something that is considered illegal, so be it. I feel no guilt whatsoever and furthermore, if I were to buckle under the social weight of the system by adhering to laws that I do not truly believe in then I would be extinguishing the very fire of patriotism and individuality.” — Waiting



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Comments

I must say, that last quote is especially funny when you know he is talking about boinking those of babysitting age.

Posted by: Patty O'Green at September 3, 2009 3:10 PM

What if your boss actually is a Pimp?

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at September 3, 2009 3:27 PM

Lindsey,

That would make you a Ho.

Posted by: wsapnin at September 3, 2009 3:31 PM

Things I've learned from office movies:

1. Never buy double indemnity insurance.

2. Hide my red stapler.

3. You can never have too much flair.

4. Never give your boss the keys to your apartment so he can boink the elevator girl.

Posted by: BWeaves at September 3, 2009 3:35 PM

I love you, Dustin Rowles.

Of course, I also love corn chowder.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at September 3, 2009 3:38 PM

For my business degree, we had to take a management and organizational analysis class. It was basically about leading a team, the psychology behind different management styles, etc. But I'd say that throughout the course of that class, we probably watched clips of Office Space once a week. Not sure of the education value, I think our teacher just really liked the movie and tried to apply it whenever he could... But it was weird.

Posted by: mangrilla at September 3, 2009 3:47 PM

Hide on Friday afternoons.

Also, office birthday parties suck.

Posted by: Mrcreosote at September 3, 2009 3:58 PM

What I've learned at MY office job as a managing editor of medical journals:

1. Just because someone knows how to surgically repair an infant's displaced hip doesn't mean they know how to save a Word document to their computer's desktop.
2. The phrase "necrotic butt" will never not be funny.
3. Dr. Wolfman DOES exist.
4. You quickly learn how to look at pictures of arterial spray in a murder scene while eating yogurt. Without gagging.
5. Armpit sex is called bagpiping, which means I will never watch So I Married An Axe Murderer the same way again.

Posted by: Julie at September 3, 2009 4:03 PM

Hey, it's honest work. And come on, who hasn't whored themselves out a little from time to time.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at September 3, 2009 4:07 PM

Necrotic front butt?

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at September 3, 2009 4:08 PM

"Armpit sex is called bagpiping, which means I will never watch So I Married An Axe Murderer the same way again."

You see, I did not know that. Who needs a word of the day calendar when we have Pajiba?

'We have a 'Piper down!'

Actually, Juile, I have never been able to look at Coit Tower the same way since that movie.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at September 3, 2009 4:11 PM

Oh, I've seen necrotic front butt. Also, HEE.

Posted by: Julie at September 3, 2009 4:19 PM

Get ahead by giving head.

- Samantha Jones, Sex & The City

Posted by: Sofía at September 3, 2009 4:40 PM

3. Dr. Wolfman DOES exist.

But the real question, Julie, is does he have nards?

Posted by: MG at September 3, 2009 4:49 PM

You betcha, MG!

Posted by: Julie at September 3, 2009 4:54 PM

Speaking of Wolfman's balls, anybody else really disturbed by the existence of these:

http://www.neuticles.com/index1.html

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at September 3, 2009 5:09 PM

Not only am I not disturbed...but I'm also a client.

I'm not saying I have a pair of fake balls slappin' my thigh through ye olde yam bag, but telling the doctor to "Take out the Salukis and throw in the Bulls" does not mean I was reading a 1-AA College football bracket.

Posted by: PissBoy at September 3, 2009 5:47 PM

From Neuticles

What if scar tissue develops?

Some pets develop scar tissue. It is totally harmless and does not disfigure the Neuticle in any way. Scar tissue is a micro-thin film that may surround the Neuticles making it feel firmer to the human touch...the way to eliminate potential development is to gently massage the Neuticles weekly to break up any possible formations or to Neuticle their pet with the Neuticles UltraPLUS which features a special textured exterior which virtually eliminates the risk of potential scar tissue development.


...Medically-approved silicon implant or not. There just isn't the same joy in being asked to 'massage' this type of silicon. Although i do imagine it would build one helluva strong personal bond between you and Buttons.

And why the fuck would you even do this to a dog? Based on the Just One Of The Guys arguement, why would you want to ADD an itch back into the dog's life?! He's never have to chew on his sack ever again.

Posted by: PissBoy at September 3, 2009 5:54 PM

"Anybody who tells you money is the root of all evil doesn’t fucking have any. — Boiler Room"

That reminds of a conclusion my friends and I came to in college:

Anybody who says weed isn't addictive just hasn't smoked enough.

---
Anyway, along the lines of looking busy when there's nothing to do: Whenever you go somewhere (bathroom, water cooler, smoke break, checking out the hot guy who works down the hall), always carry one of those internal-post envelopes, the re-usable kind with spaces for 24 different departments. If you have one of those, and you're walking around with it, instead of just sticking it in the mail box, people think you're on an important mission and they leave you alone. You can do this for hours.

Bonus points for using a new envelope with no other names on it -- then you can send weird, inappropriate, offensive stuff (like advertisements for rogaine for the bald-guy, sexual enhancement products for the assholes, love letters for the cute guy who works down the hall) and no one can trace it back to you.

Posted by: Megan at September 3, 2009 6:03 PM

Not sure I can remember a line, but In Good Company teaches us that the cult of personality built around corporate leaders is bullshit.

Posted by: PaddyDog at September 3, 2009 6:34 PM

I like Megan's ideas, and would like to subscribe to her newsletter.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at September 3, 2009 6:59 PM

Mallrats sums it up for those of us who struggled in retail to get through college.

T.S. Quint: Haven't you ever heard the phrase, "The customer is always right?"

Shannon Hamilton: Let me tell you something. Let me give you a little secret, okay? THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS AN ASSHOLE.

Posted by: thebombscribe at September 3, 2009 7:01 PM

Not sure I can remember a line, but In Good Company teaches us that the cult of personality built around corporate leaders is bullshit.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Not for nothing, but is it universally true that everyone not only hates their boss, but also just completely has a lack of respect for them? Not disrespects as in talks back, but, is there ever a case where you have looked around and said "Yeah, that guy does know what he's doing, and should totally be running this show instead of me"?


Or is it just that when THAT happens, it's just not really worthy of comment? Hating work, and hating the boss, is so common that I have to wonder if :


a. NO-ONE is really good enough to supervise anyone.


b. No-one is ever PERCEIVED as being good enough to supervise anyone.

c. We just don't like being supervised, so we're gonna complain about it whether our boss is Idi Amin or Mother Teresa.

Don't get me wrong: i believe that griping is not only a sacred right but good for you. But sometimes it seems that the stories are so plentiful that there must be more to it than what's on the surface.


Any work-story responses? I've had my share.

Posted by: karstark at September 4, 2009 12:14 AM

Total Quality Management.

Fin.

Posted by: , (TCFKAB) at September 4, 2009 1:36 AM

What I love about the Neuticles thing is that it is essentially based on the premise that a dog's self esteem is impacted by neutering.

Bwhaaaa?

Look, I train animals for a living. Horses, not dogs, but the basic behavior principles aren't all that different and I have had dogs my whole life. The absolute biggest error we make with our pets is projecting our human psychology on to animals. Dogs do not have self esteem in the same sense humans do. Dog do not suffer existential angst and a sense of profound loss over the removal or altering of their reproductive organs. Dogs lick their butts, drool on tennis balls, and eat cat shit. Not a lot of higher math being done there.

This Neuticels thing is a voluntary tax on stupidity.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at September 4, 2009 4:42 AM

If you enjoy Neuticles, may we suggest:
http://www.trucknutz.com/

A dog owner like that doesn't give a rats' ass about self esteem, the real motivation is that the OWNER sits around afraid that other dog OWNERS will think is dog isn't manly enough. There will be catty whispers at the dog park. Fido won't be invited to drunken post bowling teabagging cabals. Solution? Balls. Balls on mah truck. Balls in mah dawg. Balls on the tree. Where the mistletoe be.

PS. What I've learned at work. Birthday cake as metaphor for distribution of wealth. Did you get cake? Were you excluded from cake? If you are excluded from so-and-so's cake in Department X does that portend poorly for your yearly eval?

Miz D- I see that you neither brought cake nor gave a fuck about 75% of birthday potlucks this year. Cake offered to you stats declined 6% That puts your stock way down for us.....

Posted by: Stacy D at September 4, 2009 5:10 AM

My own personal work philosophy - "I do just enough work to not get fired" - OFFICE SPACE.

Also, to add to the weed extrapolation above, from those great philosophers of the 60's, "The Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers" - "Weed will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no weed."

Posted by: UncleJR at September 4, 2009 6:15 AM

@ Megan,
When I was a state civil servent, they actually monitored our bathroom breaks. We could spend no more than a total of 15 minutes each day, and that counted as one of our two 15 minute breaks. Yes, the other 15 minutes could NOT be used for the restroom (WTF?)
When I was about 8 months pregnant, and therefore taking many pee breaks, my supervisor actually told me to carry a folder into the restroom every time so if anyone saw me in the hall, they'd think I was doing something productive. (Like emptying a dangerously full bladder is not productive?)

Posted by: ShannonAnn at September 4, 2009 10:33 AM

karstark (if you're still there):

For the record I wasn't referring to hating ones boss. I've had super competent bosses and I've had useless ones. It's a lottery.

What I was referring to was the practice in large corporations of taking two or three people and literally creating personality cults around them that are pushed throughout the organization. This isn't a passive action, it's absolutely by design (I've been on one of the teams charged with making it happen). It's incredibly dangerous because it creates an atmosphere of infallibility around those people and they begin to believe in their own myths, resulting often in ruinous decisions that no-one will question. Not to mention the sycophants who try to become part of their inner circles.

Posted by: PaddyDog at September 4, 2009 11:45 AM

I'm not sure if this is healthy, but I always hate my boss. I've been in a situation where I was working for one person (hated him), and friends with another person.
Then the first guy left, making the second guy my boss. It was like someone flipped a switch, and I could no longer stand him. Now that I don't work for either, we're all friends again. I may need therapy.

Posted by: Captain Tuttle at September 4, 2009 1:35 PM